12x17 - The Founding Joker

[bunniefuu]

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

Today, we are working
as managers at roll-n-roaster.

The goal is to throw
somebody out of the restaurant.

The catch is you don't know
who it is

And you don't know
why you're tossing 'em.

If the customers stop you
from throwing this person out,

You lose.

Alright, murr,
scan that room and see

If you can pick up
on what's going to go down.

Yeah. I'm looking.
I don't see anyone yet.

Uh-oh.
Oh!

Is that a young woman
breastfeeding her newborn child?

Oh, no. No.
That just don't fly
around these parts.

Shut it down.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Ma'am, you cannot be
breastfeeding your child
in here.

You have to --
you have to step out.

I'm sorry.
Q and sal:

You cannot be doing that here.

Oh, yeah, baby.
What's that?

No, I know, but you cannot
breastfeed your child in the --

It's a restaurant.

It's natural. Wow.

The people of brooklyn
are standing up for her.
Whoa!

"this isn't onlyfans, ma'am."

This is not onlyfans.

We do not want to see
your breasts in a restaurant.

Okay? So I am sorry.

Q and sal:

Yeah.
Here comes this guy.

You have to leave right now.

I am absolutely going to throw
you out.

Yeah. I mean,
you guys agree with me, right?

What? How am I wrong here?
I don't get it.

You guys came for beef,
not bosom.

You see this, right?

There is no outside food
or drink.

Your baby's both eating
and drinking.

So, I'm just defending
the -- the restaurant policy.

I mean, you guys agree with me
on this, am I right?

I feel like they do.

No one? Sir.

Man: No one does.

Alright, fine.

Everyone line up
to see free bosom.

I guess.

She's --
he'd give you a beating.

Whoa!
Do you think
your husband can take me?

Um...
Doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.

Fine.
I guess I'm the jerk here.

"I'm a good man."

I'm a good man.
I'm a good man.

I'm a good man.

I'm a good man.

Aren't I?

Ready?
Alright, buddy.

Who are you gonna throw out
on the streets of brooklyn now?

I'm looking around
right now to see.

Excuse me, everyone. Hi.

I just want to announce
that our church group

Just got $10,000
in donations.

Whoo!
Praise jesus.

Our makeup artist, lilibeth,

Is the leader
of the church group.

One of the most beloved
crew members today

Here to t*rture sal.

And I would love for us
to sing for y'all

And rejoice of this.

Come on, now, come on.

Alright, sal,

Throw out the singing
church group.

no singing allowed in the old
roll-n-roaster, baby.

♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

♪ oh, this little light
of mine ♪

♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
good luck.

♪ this little light of mine ♪
no!

Oh, this little light, baby.

No!
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪

No! No, no!
♪ let it shine ♪

Stop! No, no!
No, no, no, no.

Guys, please, I can't --
I'm the manager.

You can't sing like this.
It's a disruption, guys.

Guys,
we need to shut it down.

Enough, guys, please.
I can't have this in here.

I'm so sorry.
God bless you all. God bless.

I'm gonna have to ask you
to leave. I'm sorry.

You gotta get out, guys.

Excuse me.
Nobody wants to hear this.

Nobody wants to hear this.

"get out!"

Get out of here!

Shine outside. Shine it outside.

Sing your song walking, lady.

I'm sorry.

Woman: Jesus!

I'm so sorry.

Sorry. Sorry about that.
Praise be. Order 469.

Q and murr:

No one stopped him.

Oh, wow.
Wow.

Let's just keep rollin'
and roastin', people.

Let's keep rollin' and roastin'.

Alright, look around.

I see johnna.

Is that mia? Is that mia?

Sal: Mia cast.
Dan cast's daughter.
That's dan cast's daughter.

Where's dan?

What is this? Oh.

Wait, there's dan cast.

Is he returning home
from the military?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.
Is he surprising
his daughter?

It's a military reunion
with mom, daughter, and dad.

Dan: Good to see you.
How are you?

Wow.
Yeah!

Alright. Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.

No videoing in here. No video.

Sorry. No videoing.
I'm going to need you to --

If you want to sh**t, you're
gonna have to delete that video.

If you want to sh**t stuff
like this, you -- you can't --

Oh! Oh!
Yeah!

Yeah, I go -- I come home
from work every night.

I don't take a video doing it,
like...

Yeah.

You're not allowed
to sh**t videos in here.

Oh! This guy's like,
"I'm taking a video, too."

Let's go, daddy.
Let's go, poppa.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

I'm on the front lines
of roll-n-roaster.

Are you -- go home. Go home.

I am home.

Get outta here!
No, no, you gotta
get outta here.

Get outta here!
No! You get out of here!

Back to the deserts.
Back to the deserts with him.

What are you,
some kind of as*h*le?

Get outta here!
Man: No, no, you gotta
get outta here.

Get outta here!
You get outta here!

Back to the deserts with him.

What are you,
some kind of as*h*le?

If there wasn't a lot
of people here,

You'd be on the floor
right now.

Murr and sal: Oh!

I think we all learned
something today is my point.

About how brotherhood -- man --

"round of applause,
if you agree."

Round of applause,
if you agree with me.

Oh, man. That was --
that was...

Q's leaving.

Oh, god.

Narrator: The customer
is always right.

And murr is always wrong.

So he's first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're
at olly olly market,

And we're having a little
disagreement with our spouse.

The goal is to enlist
the help of a stranger

To butt in and say,
"excuse me,

I couldn't help but overhear,"

And then completely
take our side.

Your side of the argument

Will be given to you
by the other guys.

If you can't get
the stranger to say

Exactly what you told them,
you lose.

Alright.

Sal: Johnna will be playing
murray's wife today.

It's a safety issue?
Yes.

I don't even know
what that means.

I just want to be safe.
It's a fair thing.

Okay. It is completely safe.
I'm telling you.
You know?

Geez.
You riding my ba*ls here.

okay. He's listening.

I'll be right back.
I'm gonna run to the bathroom.

Okay.

The guy at the end
is also engaged.

You got everybody engaged.

Pick your choice, murray.

You hear this?

Here's what we're debating,
okay?

"so every time
we go on the boat..."

Every time
we go on the boat...

"...She covers up with
this ridiculous life jacket."

...She covers up with
this ridiculous life jacket.

"instead of just being herself,
you know what I mean?

Letting herself be."

Instead of just being herself.
You know what I mean?

Like, just letting herself be
on the boat.

Maybe you could help me out.

When she comes back,
could you say, uh,

"excuse me,
I couldn't help but overhear."

"you saw on the news..."

You saw on the news...

"...That someone in a life
jacket fell in the water..."

...That someone wearing
a life jacket fell in the
water...

"...And the force
of the water..."

...And the force
of the water...

"...Pushed the jacket up."

...Pushed the jacket up.

"it popped her head off."
popped her head off.

Gone. Decapitated.

Q and sal:

Make it deadly serious.

I need your help.

Oh, geez. Well,
you know what to say, bud.

I need you.

Hi, love. Love...

Sal: He's leaving.
He's just getting up.

Life jackets are not safe
to wear on a boat.

Right, sir?

No, no, no, no.
Byron! Byron!

Byron. I was serious.

Dude, byron is leaving
a dust trail behind him

On the way out the door.

Alright, we'll give you
a second chance.

Gonna give you a chance
with the other guy.
With the other guy.

I left my phone
in the bathroom.

I'll be right back.

Did you hear this debate
I'm having with my wife?

Do me a solid, 'cause byron
left me hanging out to dry.

I need you to say that
you saw something on the news

That somebody wearing
a life jacket fell off a boat,

And the force of the water
hit them so hard

That the life jacket made
their head pop off.

You got it? Hi, love.

Enough of the debate.

I'm telling you, you don't need
a life jacket on our boat.
I do.

It's the seatbelt
of the boat.

"you don't even need
a life jacket on the boat."

I don't know if you saw
that thing on the news.

What was on the news?

You just said it when
my wife was in the bathroom.

No, um...
It was the woman's head.

No, listen...
The head.

Don't byron me.

He was telling me
that he saw in the news

A woman's head popped off
from wearing a life jacket.

That's fact.
Wow. Yeah.

You're so full of sh*t.

We had a whole thing.

Let me tell you, man,

If you were ever
in the same situation,

I'll be your byron.

Alright, babe.
Murr: Alright.

Look, I don't want to,
like, belabor this too much.

I feel like it's, like,
just too mature.

Do you know what I mean?

In what way
is it too mature?
Sal: Oh, she's in.

People gotta grow up sometime.
And --

Yeah, but, like, why t--
why today,

And why immediately with
such an intense subject matter?

Oh, I wonder what
this could be about.

Yeah.
I'm gonna run
to the bathroom.

I'm telling you, q,
we're not taking it easy
on you on this one.

Oh, boy.

Let me get your opinion on this.
Like, if you don't mind.

"I'm trying to teach the kid
about history."

I'm trying to teach the kid
about history.

"and I want to show him
some subject matter

That she doesn't think
is appropriate just yet."

And I want to show him
some subject matter

That she doesn't think
is appropriate just yet.

And, you know, if you
could do me a solid, actually,

When she sits back down,
if you could be like,

"oh, I'm sorry,
I couldn't help but overhear."

"but I'm a teacher."

But I'm a teacher.

"and it is common..."

And it is common...

"...To show the hanging
of hussein to a fifth grader."

...To sh-- to --

It is common to show
the hanging of hussein

To a fifth grader.

Do you remember who
S*ddam hussein was?

He was the dictator
in the middle east.

You're a teacher.
You should know this.

No, no, no, no.

Anyway, I feel like, hey, man,
fifth grade is a good time

To teach the lesson
of if you do bad things,

There are consequences.

I thought you just wanted
to teach about history.

Not that if you do something,
you can get hung.

So I need you, as a teacher,
to jump in and be like,

Totally common
for a fifth grader

To see S*ddam hussein
get hung.

That would be great.
That'd be great.

Oh.

Hey, babe.
Hey.
Hey.

Babe. How you doing,
sweetheart?

We, uh...
What were you just saying?

Babe, it's just like,
he's never gonna learn.

What were you saying before?
She was saying something before.

No, no,
I was not saying anything.

You were a teacher and...
No.

You're were teacher,
and it was totally common

That you showed people getting
hung in your class constantly.

Nothing.

She said that.
That's a teacher.

Sal, you're up,
and joining you

Is our dear friend,
comedian adam ray.

So, adam, when you sit, you're
going to be a little peeved

At sal, your husband, okay?

I just don't know
why you would say that.

Uh-oh.
Adam: It feels like a word

That not everybody even knows
how to use.

He's in.
Sal: That was a heat
of the moment thing, okay?

It really bothered me, baby.
Like...

No, I know, but what
do you want me to say?
I don't know what to say.

I want you to say
not that word to me ever again.

Uh-oh. Alright.
Get up. Go to the bathroom.

I have to go to the bathroom.

I heard they have a bidet here.

I want to try it out.
"I don't even have to go."

I just want to try it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
This guy heard.

Trust me, he heard everything.

I don't know
if you heard that.

I try not to.
A little embarrassed,
but he's a little upset

Because I, uh...
"he's mad I called him
a b*stard, but I didn't."

He's upset with me because
he said I called him a b*stard.

"I said, you're acting
like a b*stard."

I said he's acting
like a b*stard.

I hear that.
Yeah, yeah.

When he comes back,
can you do me a favor?

Maybe you could just say,
"I heard you guys.

And I'd just like to say
there is a difference

Between calling someone
a b*stard

Or saying someone is acting
like a b*stard."

You know,
I can't relate to that.

But...
Two seconds.

He's very sweet.
I mean, it's not like he's a...

Yeah, also,
you're an architect.

Maybe you --
maybe you could, uh...

His dad's an architect.
He respects architects.

His father's an architect.
He really respects architects.

Maybe you could just be like...

You're an architect as well.

Nah, I can't go that far.

Uh-oh.
Sal: I'll -- I'll -- I'll --
I'll -- hey.

I'll ask -- yeah.

Sal: He's upset with me because
he said I called him a b*stard.

I'll -- I'll -- I'll --
I'll -- hey.

I'll ask -- yeah.

I am s-- I just want to move
past it for tonight.

Adam: You said I'm a b*stard.
But I didn't say that, right?

I said that you were acting
like that.

Anybody -- anybody
would probably understand

What I'm trying to say.

That...It's a little less bad
than we feel.

"any architect will say that."

Anybody will say that --
an astronaut, architect,

Anybody would say it.

He's laughing,
he shook his head.

Oh, adam, you left something
in the bathroom, buddy.

I left my phone
in the bathroom.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Alright, alright.

Okay. Please.
Thank you so much. Okay.

Go, adam, go.
Introduce this guy
as an architect, sal.

Hey.
Can I just say something?
Can't find my phone.

What?
My friend, uh,
well, a new friend of mine.

This guy's an architect, and...

Q and murr:

My dad's an architect.
Adam, you love architects.

I'm -- I love architects.

Architects are awesome.

What is -- what is your
favorite architecture book?

Frank lloyd wright,
he told me.

I don't wanna get
too involved in this.

Yeah.
If he's saying you're acting
like a b*stard,

He's not calling you a b*stard.

That's it.
That's all I wanna say.

Thank you so much.
That's all.

Because this is
an innocent bystander architect.

No. I'm not an architect.
Yeah.

No, I'm not.

Well, I, sir,
do not trust you, then.

I have no time
for fake architects.

Good day in bidet.

Don't be so loud.

Good day in bidet.

Narrator: Murr and q
couldn't get any back up,

Making murr tonight's big loser.

Okay.
Okay, so james s. Murray lost.

And for his punishment, we're
here at the mysterious bookshop

For a book reading by our buddy

And multi-platinum bestselling
author, brad meltzer.

All you have to do is sit
amongst brad's biggest fans

During the event,
and that's it.

Oh, we did make a snack
for you to eat.

So that's all you gotta do,
you just sit down,

You just open that bag up,
and you finish your supper.

That's it.
Let's get cracking.
Mm-hmm.

Suspicious.

Let's give a nice warm
welcome to mr. Brad meltzer.

So first of all,

This is a really intimate event
we're doing.

So we are here
at brad meltzer's book event.

Look around the room.
These are well-read people.

I don't think they have
any time

For murray
finishing his supper tonight.

Well, let's get that odor
in the air.

Why don't you open it, buddy,
and see what you'll be eating?

The zipper is loud.

Yes, it is three loose lobsters
with drawn butter

And the cracking utensils
you need.

This is gonna be a feast
fit for a king.

Does it just smell like cooked
crustacean in that room now?

Also, murray,
just to let you know,

I had them shut off the ac.

So it's a little warm in there
as well.

When I was 22 years old...

You should get to eating,
bro.

I don't have to tell you.

Oh, my god.

Do you want to know
who the next hero is?

Yes. Yes.

That's 6 pounds of lobster.

Oh. Oh, there she goes.
She just noticed.

she's like,
"is that a lobster?"

So are you ready for some fun?

Murr: Yes.

Get that tail meat, bro.

Oh!
Ew, did you hear that?

Yeah. All those lobster juices.
Oh!

Brad, just do two quick sniffs
to the air

Like you smell something,
but don't mention it.

Sal:
this is great.

And I know everybody's excited
to hear more about the viper.

Alright. You got some lobster
juices on those books.

Q and sal: She's wiping it off.

She's wiping off
your drawn butter off the book.

It's like when you're
in college, right?

Q and sal:

She just got hit
with lobster shrapnel.

Sal: She's like,
this can't be happening.

Get that claw meat.
Get that claw meat.

Man: He sat there,
and I remember
there was this kid, morty...

Oh! Oh!

Murr, just give me a small,
very small, mm.

Brad: No, yeah, so definitely
throw your children's toys away.

Mm.

what's that?

Sal and q:

So president clinton...

Murray, hit it
with some citrus.

...And read my book,
"the first conspiracy"...

The crowd is whispering
about you.

Sal: It's a game of telephone.

mm.

You got some, uh, some
street corn in there as well.

You got some, uh, some
street corn in there as well.

Let's have at that
a little bit.

look --
look at this lady.

She's like,
"he is not going for the cob."

Ew, you hear his stupid
lips smacking

Like they always do?

It's so gross.

How do you think
they should begin that journey?

What is step one?

Sal: It's so loud.

Look at all that corn.

You have corn all over
your chin.

you don't do it on Tuesday,
and then Wednesday you're like,

"I'm going to write three
on Wednesday."

Murr, gonna tell her
to be quiet.

Sal: Oh!

After you just ate a 2-pound
lobster and a cob of corn,

You're telling him shush.

Pass them corn.
There's an extra corn.

This is an emotional night
for me.

This is the worst thing that
has ever happened to this woman

In her entire life.

He's walking in the room.

You could ask the almighty,
to be exact.

This is --
oh, my god, dude.

People are reassigning
their own seats.

She just needs to get
some fresh air.

You're like a raccoon rooting
through my garbage at night.

God. There's another lobster.

Sal and q:

Look at the lobster
on his chinos.

Murr, murr, murr,
slowly turn the lobster

To look at the lady in blue.

This lady I can't believe it.

Murr, gnaw
at that lobster tail.

Murr, just look at her go,
"I found this bag."

there were
four lobsters in here.
I found this bag.

Another sniff or two, brad.

Man: This is a question
we got from...

Yes. Don't give up.

Everyone's getting hit
with the juice.

She's -- she's leaving.

It has gotta smell
so god awful.

Murr: Yeah.

Another lobster?

Lean to the lady
to your right and go,

"I'm definitely getting
the seafood shits."

I'm definitely getting
the seafood shits.

Brad, notice some cracking.
I'm sorry.

Do I hear something here?

She -- here we go.

Is something going on
back there?

Don't worry about it, brad.

Is that crackling back there?

Do I actually have
a lobster there?

Is it time
to get rid of this guy?

Yes.
Yes?

What are you talking about?

We've dealt with you enough.

Like, the chapter is done, baby.
It's time to go.

Um, you know, skinny,
drunk, and stupid

Is no way to go through life.

Should we get him out of here
now, everyone?

Yeah.
All:

This guy's bouncing you.

Sir, please leave!

Okay, okay!

yeah!