12x12 - Revenge of the Joker

[bunniefuu]

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

Mangia! Today we're playing
restaurant owners

At john's pizzeria
in times square.

But here's
where things get goomah.

While chatting up customers,
we'll have to do

And say whatever
those other paisanos tell us.

And if you refuse,
it's arrivederci!

a calamari!

Mafia.

All right, murr-man.
What are you guys thinking?

We're getting glasses
for you.

Remember --
you're the owner.

You're not a waiter.
You're the owner.

I'm the owner,
so if you guys need anything,

Just let me know, okay? I'll get
that taken care of, too.

It's me, john.

all right, murray.

Put your hand on the father's
back while you talk to them.

And do not take your hand
off his back.

What, um...

What, uh -- how'd you guys get
the tickets for the show?

His lower back.

...Richard rodgers theatre...

Oh, my god.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

yeah, yeah.

That's great. That's great.

Slide that hand down.

His hand's through the chair.

That's great, that's great.
And, um...

And what, uh...

look at his face.

Did you get a discount? Were
they discounted tickets or...

Okay, great.
If you need

Any other recommendations
for restaurants,

Anything like that,
just let me know.

I'll take care of it.
All right, murr.
Get it off him.

Let me get that yuengling,
sir.

Can you do the back
of his neck while you talk?

Okay! Here we go!
Your yuengling.

There we go.
Oh!

There we go.
Anything else you guys need?

You're good?
You guys need anything else,

Okay, my name's john mamio.
Oh!

Okay. Great. One second.
Let me just...

Look. Hey, look.
The dad's creeped out.

Dude.

Welcome to john's pizzeria.
I am john.

"also, fellas,
in honor of pride month..."

So I

So, fellas, I do.
I gotta tell you --

In honor of pride month...

"we're running a discount."

...We are running a discount.

"but..."

But...

"you gotta prove it."

...You gotta prove it.

Okay?

"and you want those
at the full price?"

And you want those...

And you want those
at the full price or...

You want it
at the straight price.

"we don't have to do it
out here.

I have an office."

You don't got to do it here.

I have an office.

Kate's coming down the stairs
right now to give you something.

Just -- just take that
from her.

Okay. What is this?

Don't worry about it.
They're little capsules.

Just hold on to them
for the moment.
Okay. Okay.

All right, murr, so you see
the table right near the bottom

Of the stairs there?
Yeah.

Well, I want you to drop
something, anything.
Okay.

On the way up,
hit your head.

And those capsules are
blood capsules.

So I want you to come up
wounded and woozy.
Here we go.

And let's see
where it goes from there, john.

You guys good?
You need anything?

Oh, jesus! I'm so sorry.
Give me one second.

Let me -- I got it, I got it,
I got it, I got it.

I got it, I got it,
I got it, I got it. I got it.

ow, ow! Ooh, ooh!

Ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Do you guys, uh --
do you need anything?

Are you okay?

My nose is bleeding?

Oh, oh! Oh, my god.

Guys, my name is john.

My father and I own the place.

I don't -- I think I'm okay.

Dad? Are you...

Forgive me.
Something happened. I just...

What happened?

"again?!"

I hit it my head again?

"I want a -- I want
a hawaiian slice, please."

I'll have one hawaiian slice,
please.

I'll have one hawaiian slice.
Do you have a yuengling?

"I'm gonna give
myself 15% off."

I'm gonna give myself
Sir, you sit down.

I don't know what's really --
no, just through your noise.
There.

Okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Okay? Hold that. Hold that.

Is that for me?
Hold that.

-I have some ice for you.
-"kate, you're fired."

Kate, you're fired.
I'll have one large pie, please.

I'll have pineapple.

Fire the guy.
You're fired.

You're fired. You have to go.
You're fired.

Ask him
if he's the owner now.

Are you the owner now?

Say, "I'm fired?"

I'm fired?! I'm fired?!

Okay. I'll leave.

I'm john?

I'm john.
"papa john?"

Papa john?
Welcome to papa johns.

May I take your order?

You're fired, kate.
Get out of here.

"kate, you're the owner."

Kate, you're the owner
of the restaurant now.

Kate, you're john.
"I need off tomorrow."

I need off, kate.
I need off tomorrow.

Kate, I'm putting in
my two weeks notice.

Sal,
you know the italian signal for,

Like, "get out of here,

You're garbage"?

Oh. This gesture?

There you go.
Murr: Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.
I want you to use it a lot
and make it a positive.

You don't understand --

You don't understand
what it's for.

Ooh! Ooh-hoo!

Can I get you another round
of drinks or anything?

We're off to the theater
tonight, so...

What are you going to see?

"the lion king."

Oh, my god,
that's a great show!

Is it?

Yeah, you're gonna have
the best time in the world.

Well, you have a lovely family.
God bless.

Yeah. Thank you.

If you have an airpod, buddy,
put one in your ear

And I want you to have
two dual conversations --

One with the table and one
an angry conversation with,

You know, your delivery guy.

Okay?

Hey, guys. How are you?

Just coming over to
make sure everything's okay.

I see you just got seated. Did
anyone take your order yet?

Yes.
Okay. Have you been here before?

Are you kidding me?

Get the out of here.
Mm-hmm.

No, no. I'm sorry.
I'm talking to my produce guy.
Okay.

You have any questions
about the, uh -- the menu,

Just let me know.
Great. Thank you.

Thank you.
Murr: Approach that table.

You're having
two conversations.

Hi, all. How are you tonight?
Good. Thanks.

Just, I'm john, the owner.
Oh, hi.

Do you need any recommendations
or anything?

Yeah? No.

That's gross.

um, no.

No, I don't want half-eaten.

No, I don't care
if it's a discount. I'm sorry.

I'm talking to my produce guy.

"I will break your fingers."

Some pastas here.

If you've never tried
the pastas...
Woman: Okay.

I will break
your fingers

If you do not get this here
on time.

Sorry, sorry. My produce guy.
That's all right.

Uh, yeah. So that's...

Okay. All right. Thank you.
I appreciate it.
Yeah.

Okay.

Murr: "let's just join
in a little prayer."

And then, you know,
just before, we always start --

I always just start with,
"our heavenly father,

Thank you for the bounty
that we're receiving tonight."

"I'm trying to pray here!"

I'm trying to pray
right now.

Can you give me a second,
please?

Uh, thank you for the pizzas,
pastas, light apps,

Desserts, and snacks.
Thank you.

-Thank you.
-Thank you so much.

I have to go hide right now
because...

You see the two women there?

Can you sneak up in the booth
behind them

And pop up and say,
"you guys need anything?"
good luck.

You got it. You can't see him.
They have not spotted you.

You're in.

Is there anything
that I can get you guys?

Okay. I'm john, the owner, so...

"if you need me,
just whisper my name.

I'm always listening."

If you need me,
just whisper my name.

I'm always listening.

Okay. Bye.

Pop back up.
Be like, "wait, what?

Did you ask for john?"

You said "john" right now?
You said "john"?

Okay.

Yeah, sal, grab a handful
of loose ice cubes.

And then I want you
to go around, like -- you know,

Top off people's drinks.

Just to refresh
those drinks

For you guys.
Thank you.

-Thank you.
-Appreciate it.

Hurry, shuffle over to them,
and be like,

"did you say john?
Did you say john?"

Did you say john?

Yes? Yes, yes, sure. Yeah.
Thank you.

Carry the cups over with your
hands on the inside of the cups.

yeah.

Yeah,
do a little pirouette

And skip away.

Here he comes, here he comes.

There you go!

Thank you.

thank you.

Murr: Okay.
All right, buddy.

Q, grab a plate
of cannolis.

Okay?

I got
some beautiful cannolis.

Sal: So go up to a table

And say that you guys have
a really fun game you play here.

If they can guess
your age correctly,

You'll suck the cream
out of the cannoli.

Hey, guys.
How's everything going today?

You have -- you got
your order in?

You already ate?

Oh, great. Uh, I'm john.

This is my place.

We play a game where,
if, um,

You can correctly guess
my age,

I will,
without using my hands,

Suck the cannoli cream
out of this thing.

It's a fun little game
we play.

Anybody want to take a guess?

"correct."



Okay, buddy. Go ahead.

It's a fun little game we play.

Anybody want to take
a guess?

"correct."



Murr:

Without using your hands.

Here we go.

oh.
All right. That's okay.

Sal: Did that go through?
Did he get it?

Okay. "now, can you guess
what month I was born in?

'cause I have
the second cannoli."

We don't let
anything go to waste here.

Can you guess the month
that I was born in?

"correct."

September. That's correct.


I was born.

Oh, oh.

I mean,
this is a fun thing we do here.

"and can you guess the day
of the week I was born on?"

Just for fun, what day
of the week was I born on?

"correct."

Correct.

Oh, oh.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm glad you guys enjoyed
the pizza.

I'm john, if you guys need
anything at all.

Thank you very much.
Man: Thank you.

Oh, my god,
my sugar's spiking.

That was a lot
of cannoli cream.

You guys got everything
you need?

Everybody came over and
got your drinks and everything?

You're not -- you're good?
Yeah.

Dan cast, head in.

Recognize q
as your old friend.

And, q, european kiss him
on both cheeks

And don't stop.

Hey, paisan!

How are you?

How you doing?
That's it, buddy. That's it.

Have a whole conversation.

How you doing, buddy? Mwah.
Dan: Good, buddy.

How you been? Yeah.
Out on the street?

It's been too long...Since
you've been in here...
Yeah, yeah.

...Having...Some del--
you lost all that weight.

You don't come for no...Pizza
mnh-mnh. No more.

I got...Some great cannoli.
Mm-hmm.

And I said to myself,
"where's danny?"

And now here you are.
You're now here.

On one of the...Busiest days
of the year...

You show up.

Say "hi" to your mother for me.

I will.

Don't be a stranger,
danny boy.

Get out of here.
Get out of here.

Get out of here!

Narrator:
Murr, q, and sal served up wins,

So they're safe
from the loser board.

Today we're working
the register

At tompkins square bagels.

But what we're really doing
is searching for the customer

That left us
that awful one-star review.

Of course,
we'll never find them,

Because that scathing review has
been written by the other guys.

At the end, we'll ask the
customer if they'd be willing

To help us by leaving
a positive review.

If they refuse, you lose.

Everything in the shelves,
right?

The two shelves here
are pastries.

You got 1, 2, 3, 4,


Maybe...30 cookies

And chocolate cakes
and lemon whatever.

I see it all.

Could you eat all this
in one day

If someone was gonna pay you


All of it in one day
without throwing up?

Yes, without a doubt.
Without a doubt.

You don't know
how to play this game.
In a whole day?

You don't know
how to play it,

And you'll never know
how to play it.

I do know. Do you know
how much sugar there is in this?

You don't offer
$10 million to eat pastry.

People are gonna take that.
And they're gonna do it.

And they're gonna change
their lives forever.

All right.
I recognize you.

You've been here before,
right, buddy?

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, uh, do you mind
if I ask you a question?

Somebody left a pretty scathing
review about me specifically.

They said, "I ordered
an iced coffee,

But the man behind the counter
gave me hot coffee.

I told him
and he said, 'it is iced.'

And then to prove it,
he put his hand in my cup

And just held it there.

It must have been boiling hot.

His face turned red
and I could see he was crying

And I didn't have time
for all that,

So I just waved
at a different person

And she got me my coffee."

Did you write that, liam?
No.

If I had pulled my hand out
of the scalding-hot coffee,

They would have seen
that I had made a mistake

And it wasn't iced coffee.

They would have been
the strong one.

I was the weak one.

And I can't have
that power disparity.

Yeah, I know.

"anyway, a half a dozen
skin grafts later,

I'm still the strong one."

Anyways, a half a dozen
skin grafts later,

I'm still the strong one.

You see?

You didn't write this sh*t?

You didn't write it?

It was some captain american-
looking mother

Who did this.

Good luck asking
for a good review now.

I think this guy's on board,
man.

Will you please
write me a good review tonight?

Liam! Liam!

Liam! Liam!

Write me a good review, liam?

Li-- it was you!
This was you?

You're the weak one, liam.
I win.

Murr: All right, buddy.

-Yeah.
-What's your name?

Just so I know.
Howard.

Howard? You come in here
a few times, right?

Yeah, yeah, we've seen you here.
Welcome back.
Thank you.

So my name's brian.

I've been working here,
and somebody wrote, like,

A real mean review about me
online.
Really?

This guy wrote...
Murr: Here we go.

"...The bro who looks like
a retired fred flintstone

a margaritaville...

...Slipped a dime bag of
his homegrown weed into my bag.

Dude rules.

Never seen anyone so carefree
at 8:00 a.M.

Mind you, three days later,

The same dude, who also looks
like george clooney's corpse,

Whose prized possession is a
'rocketeer' pinball machine --"

That's a great one.

"was fashioning a new set
of napkins,

But I could tell by the
washed-over look in his eyes,

He wished the napkins
were made

Of high-tensile-strength


I wish him the best."

So it was quite
a personal review of me.

He didn't say anything about

How you served him
or what your demeanor was.

No, I gave him the weed.
Yeah.

What you're saying is,
no good deed goes unpunished.

You're right. Right.
I'm like puff, puff, pass.

"yabba dabba doo!"

Would you be willing
to do me a favor?
What's that?

Would you be willing
to jump on one of our socials

And write, like,
a pleasant review about me?

-Sure.
-Aw!

All right.
Thank you, thank you.

Murr: Good job.

Is this --
this is how you see me?

I look like fred flintstone
a margaritaville?

sal: You got it, you got it.

All right, buddy.
This guy right here.

Have you been in
tompkins square bagels before?

Yeah, I've been in the one
in, um...

It's the one
on ninth avenue.

Yeah. My god.
Someone left a -- like,

A scathing review directed at me
personally.

They left this literally
on the page --

"the man behind the counter told
me he creams his own cheese."

Sal: Someone left a --
like, a scathing review.

"the man behind the counter told
me he creams his own cheese.

Then he licked his lips
and asked me

If I knew what that meant,
and I said, 'I think so.'

And he said,
'tell me what it means.'

And I said, 'you make your own
cream cheese.'

And he said, 'sure.'
then he said, 'by the way,

We're closed,'
and turned off the lights.

Then he just stood there
in the dark, not moving.

I turned around
and bolted out of the store.

I ran all the way home,

Constantly checking
over my shoulder

To make sure I wasn't
being followed

By the cream cheese guy.

My iced coffee was good,
but hot."

Did you write that, peter?

"I am known in some quarters
as the cream cheese man."

'cause I am known
as the cream cheese guy

In some quarters.

You know?
I'm not refuting what happened,

But he said, "the man
behind the counter

Told me he makes his own cream
cheese," which I do.

Lick your lips. Lick your lips.
Yeah, lick your lips.

Sal, just stand there and don't
move and lick your lips at him.

Peter: Sorry. I don't --
that's...
All right.

Any chance that you'd be willing
to go on to our socials

And leave a positive review?

Oh, wow.
Thank you so much.

Yeah. My name is sal.
They know me.
Sal?

They call me
the cream cheese guy.
Okay.

Big lick, slow lick.

You know what I mean, right?

Thank you.

Hey, can we hit the lights?

Good job.

Narrator:
Murr's the one yelping now

Because
he's tonight's big loser.

All right, james s. Murray lost.

And we are here at pier 17
at the seaport,

Where people have gathered
for an outdoor film screening.

Yeah, murr, you're gonna
be playing a janitor cleaning up

Before the event,

And you'll be doing it with this
high-powered cordless vacuum,

Where you, my friend, will be
sucking up people's belongings.

Got it. There it is.
No, that's not it.

We also have
these custom-made bingo cards

That we're handing out
to our crew,

And our cards have a list
of random items on them.

And every time you suck up
one of the random items,

Our crew gets one step closer
to bingo.

Which means, of course...

I gotta keep sucking
until someone gets bingo?

Both: Bingo.

Sal: So these folks here
at pier 17 are gathering

To watch
an outdoor nighttime movie,

"forrest gump," tonight.
Our crew here,

They're all set up at a table
with their bingo cards.

Here comes murray
onto the field here.

Do I blend in?

The mustache changes
everything about you.

Guys, I just saw my reflection
in the mirror.

I look like a laguardia
air-traffic controller.

You do.

"delta flight 239
is delayed at a half-hour."

All right, I'm going in,
I'm going in, I'm going in.

Oh, my god.

Are you going for something?
Yeah, yeah. The shoe.

We'll go with these guys.
Black-and-white shoe.

Try to get in it
so you can scoop the shoe.

Yeah. Yep.

I don't need to tell you
how to suck.

this is
the stupidest thing ever.

What are we doing?

Sal and I
aren't doing anything.

I don't know what you're doing.
We are relaxing.

Yeah.
All right, I'm going.

I'm going in, I'm going in.
I'm going in.

He's coming.
He's coming after you.

He's running after you
in his white socks.

Bro, that's my shoe.

What? What's that?

It's my girlfriend's shoe.
No, it's trash. It's trash.

It's not.

Wait. I'm sorry.
Was that your shoe?

Yeah, that's
my girlfriend's shoe.

Oh, my god. Dude,
I thought that was the trash.

That's why -- you wouldn't
believe at the end of the night

How many loose shoes
we get left here,

So I'm just trained.
I see a shoe.

I immediately suck it up and
take it to the trash, you know?

Anyways, the mustache is fake.

Get back there to your girl,
okay?

Who had "shoe"?
Who had "shoe"?

man: All right!

Murr, I can't believe
your instincts were right there.

I see a book I can grab.
How about a book?

I don't know if it's
on the bingo card,

But I can get a book.

We're not gonna
tell you sh*t, bro.

Just -- you just go get it.

Okay.
I'm going for this woman's book.

Is that -- is that tra--
is this trash?

Huh?
Is this trash?

Is this trash?
Or were you reading it?
Excuse me.

Oh. It's not trash. You're sure.
Okay, good.

What are you listening to?

Music.

Murr, just say,
"life is like a box

Of chocolates,"
then walk away.

Life is like a box
of chocolates, right?

Huh?

Who's got "book"?

-Whoo!
-Whoo!

Wow. All right.
Not as many. Not as many.

I'll get a burrito.

Burrito?

It's a burrito bowl,
my friend.

Sal: Oh, my -- if you actually
suck the food out of...

They just opened that.

Oh, my god.
This is crazy.

Woman: Yeah.

There he goes.
He's going in for the...

Oh!

It's a burrito bowl,
my friend.

Sal: They just opened that.

Oh, my god.
This is crazy.

Woman: Yeah.

There he goes.
He's going in for the...

Oh!
Oh, my god, did that just...

I'm sorry.
I was spinning around.

It just got -- I'm so sorry.

No. Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, my god. Oh.

I'm so sorry.

"I suck."

I suck.

Don't worry about it.

Okay, okay.
Well, enjoy "forrest gump."

I'm so sorry again.
My apologies.

Sal: Oh!
Wow, murr!

Lunch.
Who had "lunch"?

Who had "lunch"

Ooh, boy.
Lunch.

You guys done with that?

You guys done with that?
You're done with that?

What? Oh. Oh.

oh, drink.

Who had "drink"?

He's going for socks.

You wanna help me out?

Do you want to lift 'em up
for me? No?

That guy is not amused.

Snacks?

Murr, a lot of people
have one box left, my friend.

Great job, buddy,

But "bicycle helmet" is not
on the bingo card.

sh*t.

Oh, my god,
what a cute puppy that is.

That puppy's great.

I got a dumpling.

You got a dumpling?

You're not gonna eat
that dumpling.

Oh, my god!

Child: Ohh!

Murr: Kid?

"children"
are not on the card.

How about the phone?
The phone?

Is that trash? I got the phone.

Is this trash or no?

Trash? You need any trash gone?
You need that gone?

Come on, get it! Get it!
No? You good? No?

Suck that cone!
Suck that cone!

You actually got it.

Oh, god.

I've done, like, 12 things.
No one has bingo yet?

No one?
No one has bingo yet. No.

Uh, the woman in red
to my right

Has a vape
on top of her phone.

There has to be a vape
on the list.

I cannot tell you.
Stop asking.

Well, I'm gonna go for it, so...

Yeah,
maybe you're going for it,

And maybe you're going for it
in vain.

Oh! He got the vape, man!

I hear it banging around.
I hear it banging around.

Look, look, look, look, look!

Oh, my god.

I hear it banging around.

Oh, you guys...
I think you just
sucked up my vape.

I sucked up your vape?
Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no.
What are you talking about?
No, it is.

I don't vape. I'm sorry.

What happened?
No, I do. Maybe not anymore.

"I'm unable
to get in this small opening."

You know what it is?
I'm unable

To get into
this small op--

me, personally,

I'm unable to climb
inside the small openings,

So I can't possibly get
your vape.
Yeah, no. No, no, no.

That makes total sense.
So...

Murr, reach in your pocket.
There's business cards in there.

We put them in.

Um...

You've got the parks department
lost and found.

It is the number.
Yeah?

Uh, you should give it 72 hours
and then call.

And if they find your vape,
you can pick it up.

Murr, then drop that
you're not a smart man,

But you know
what love is.

I'll be honest, ma'am --
I'm not a smart man,

But I know what love is.

That was "forrest gump."

You get it, right?
No. Yeah, I get it.

The movie.
Yeah, you get it, you get it.

Murr, hold on.
Wait a second, murr.

What?

Both: Bingo!

Vape pen.
Who would have thought it?

"vape pen" did it.

Well, fellas, I'm done.
I'm taking this mustache off.

All right, mustache is gone.
Mustache is gone.

Get me out of here.

Let's watch "forrest gump."
come on.