12x11 - Haunting of the Joker House

[bunniefuu]

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?!

Who's a good cat?

Today, we're posing as
high-powered, shady lawyers,

And we have to convince
focus-group participants

To sign a totally standard
fraudulent contract.

The catch is,
the contract has been filled

With all sorts
of weird terms and conditions

That have been put in there
by the other guys.

The joker who gets the
most amount of signatures wins,

And the other two lose.

-Alright, q.
-Alright.

Q, you look the part today,
buddy.

Welcome. My name is --
is tony gunk, attorney at law.

Oh, oh,
we got to go to work.

Going to help you with
some of the paperwork
and tell you what --

Hello? Hi.
Your name, sir?

Silva.

Well, I'm a lawyer.
I have to look like a lawyer.

Alright,
so I'll get these through you.

And then --
and then you go in,

And you're going to have
a blast.

They're going to love you
in there.
Thank you.

Okay, if asked whether
you enjoy the experience,

You will respond,
"yes, very much."

Do you agree to that?

Okay, just -- yeah,
just acknowledge right --

Just right there.

We'll go through these quick.

I do these all day.

"to the best of my knowledge,

I was not conceived
in or around an open flame."

Is that true?

I know, in France,
you guys like to light fires

And get b-b-b-b-busy,
you know?

This guy's loving it.

Okay, alright.
Uh, thin-ice clause.

"I acknowledge that I have
already been given two warnings,

And I will not be given
a third."

Yeah, you're on thin -- uh,
you're on thin ice right now.

Yeah, yeah, you --

You've been given two.

You --
there will not be a third.

I know.

You -- you have
two warnings already.

Okay, you read that.
You tell me.

Monkey business. Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah, yeah.

You are culpable
in any any monkey business.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah,
I don't blame you on that one.

"in the unlikely event
of my passage,

I decline autopsy and declare my
cause of death to be old age."

So, yeah, go right in there.
Got this --

no, no, no.

We have to have a chance.

Yeah, who cares?

Sal.

So just --
there's just paperwork.

So this is just
a standard thing that --

That we have every
single person sign.

Literally just saying you're
agreeing to do the focus group.

Okeydokey.

I'll walk you through
each one.

-Here we go.
-Okay.

"participant is willing
to be separated into one

Or two groups during the study.

Uh, c-section or natural birth,"
depending on what you were.

In the event
participant does not fall into

One of these two categories,
a third category,

Titled "abomination"
will be utilized.

Yeah, so if you're fine
with that...

-She's hesitant.
-Okay.

Well, I mean, if you if you were
c-section or natural birth,

This is just if someone wasn't.

-What is the third option?
- an abomination.

"when I meet beverly,

I will express
neither surprise nor alarm,

And I will not ask questions
I do not want the answers to."

The hell's going on
with beverly?

Yeah.

Okay, so got past bev.
Okay.

Uh, participant agrees to a base
compensation of $15 per tooth,

So that's nice.

I don't want to give up
my teeth.

No, no, no, no, no.

no explanation.

Base compensation.
$15 per tooth.

Per tooth.
So that's great for you

Because that's on top
of whatever you're getting.

She's not signing it.
She's not signing that one.

We're not going to extract
those teeth.

Come on, sal.

But you are going to be
compensated $15 per tooth.

So, for me, that's a lay-up,

Because if you have 30 teeth,
you're talking about $450.

If we take them.

You see,
that's the part --

Okay, so...

"the participant acknowledges
that any uttering

Of the following terms
or phrases may nullify payment

And result in an immediate
ejection from the focus group."

So these are words they don't
want you to mention in there.

"purple drank." uh, "drank."

"sizzurp."
"styro sizzurp."

"slurping that sizzurp."

"ripping the devil's knob."
-look at her face.

"stank kool-aid."
"dranky danky."

"sucking lucifer.
Slurping and burping."

"he's slurping and burping."

"she's slurping and burping."

"slurping beelzebub's...
Booty cheeks."

"drank and miss stanky."

"doing spotty with a dead body."

"sucking and bucking
satan's something-something."

And "lean."

Oh, my god.

I think the only one
I've ever heard was "lean."

-Me, too.
-All that other stuff --

Me, too, but you know what?

The gen z's...

Okay, and then,
"any lunch provided

Must be eaten over the sink."

You understand crumbs.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

That's everything, and I think
you'll have a good time.

Dan, she's foregoing
the $15 per tooth,

But she will eat over the sink.

Have a seat, buddy.

Let's just go through
this real quick.

I work in the legal department
here at the firm.

I'm going to go through
your release form.

Uh, "so I consent to be
referred to exclusively

As meat-based participant
number four."

Yes.

I like how
he answers confidently

With a "yes" and a smile.

No questions on that
whatsoever? Just "yes"?

-Yep.
-Great. Okay, let's just...

So, "participant agrees
to receive corporal discipline

In cases in which
they are deemed

To be disruptive, chatty,
or otherwise naughty."

Yes.

I have a feeling he's not
interpreting correctly.

So you're saying
that on the off chance

You are disruptive,
chatty, or otherwise naughty,

There will be
a corporal discipline.

You will get -- it could be
a ruler, a slap, a light,

You know, a-a shush.

Basically, look, don't be
disruptive, chatty, or naughty.

Okay.

You don't want to get
the corporal discipline.

Next, uh, the participant
consents to one baptism

For the forgiveness of sins

And looks forward to
the resurrection of the dead

And the life of the world
to come.

Amen.
-Amen.

We're done.
We're done.

Yeah, that's great.

It doesn't look promising
for us.

Okay, uh, "I acknowledge

That this is my last opportunity
to swear,

And for my final curse,
I choose..."

Damn.

-Kind of weak sauce.
-Yeah.

Mm, "damn" is not
really a curse.

You can say that on tv.
Something you can't say on tv.

Um...

-Whoa!
-Okay, you cannot say that word.

He went from "damn"
to the "c" word.

So just autograph.
Uh, so you -- you can't say

Any more curse words
after that.

Once you go into that room,
you can no longer curse.

So get it out of your system
right now.

Three or four times.

And now a lock of hair.

And now a lock of hair.

Sure.

-Oh, come on.

It's up to you.

The hair could be taken
from anywhere.

-We can do an arm hair.
-Okay.

Uh, uh, uh, uh.
Got it, got it, got it.

You actually got
the hair?

Delicately.
We'll use that for later.

Just initial there.
-I hate you.

Okay, great.
Thank you, buddy.

I appreciate you.
-Wow, murr.

Uh, and I'm just
going to take this

Right into the laboratory,
that hair.

Thank you again, bud.

Q and sal
should contact their lawyer

Because they're first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're asking patrons
of olly olly market

For some feedback
on a radio ad we created

For our small
family business.

And, of course, we've
never heard the ads before,

And they're insane

Because they've been created
by the other guys.

So we'll have to get
someone else to listen to them,

Then try to convince
that person

That they should remain
on the air.

If that person thinks
the radio ad should be pulled,

You lose.

So, q, so, uh, you and your
sister own an auto-body shop.

What the hell does
my sister look like?

She's got an issue
with your ad.

Here we go.

You -- you --
you told me to make an ad.

I didn't tell you
to make this ad.

Alright,
we'll talk about it later.

Goodbye.

Excuse me.

My sister and I own an
auto-body shop on staten island,

And she had me put together,
like, radio ads.

And my sister's
just freaking out,

And I would love, like,
a second opinion.

Would you mind listening to it?

It's 30 seconds long.

-Oh, sure.
-Alright.

I thought I -- I thought
I did a great job.

Here we go.

So she's up in arms
about that.

Yeah,
I can see why.

Really?

Oh. What -- what are you --
what are you --

What are you seeing
that I'm not seeing?

All of it
is kind of up.

Oh. Oh, wow.

Every time there's a problem,

It's just some woman
clucking away, so...

Well, that sounds like
something you got to work on.

Oh, you think it's me?

Yeah.

"hey, don't get me wrong,
I love broads."

Hey, don't get me wrong,
I love broads.

I'm not, like, trying to say,
like, I don't want them,

But it's just guys would like --
you know,

Almost like a "safe space
for men" type thing.

"a safe space for men."

Yeah.

You know how, like,
barbershops are really, like,

Great for meeting up and, like,
talking and stuff like that?

I want to do that
with auto shops.

-Uh-huh.
-When you come here, dude,

It's going to be --
it's going to be a bro down

And we'll fix your car.

Like, guys would respond
to that.

I think auto-body
shops are kind of
already like that, so...

Yes, yes. Do you think
that's good to air?

-Absolutely not.
-Okay.

Sorry, buddy.

Uh, alright, sal,

So your small business
is with your dad...
Ah.

...And it's a restaurant.
-Yeah.

You did not put on
the right commercial.

It's just -- it's terrible.

You don't like it?

"are you kidding me?"

Are you serious?

"I want you
to pull it now."

I'm going to get
someone's opinion.

Uh, hold on. Excuse me.

When you're off the phone,
I need your opinion.

-Oh, hey. Hey.
-Yeah?

-He's in.
-I own a restaurant with my dad,

And I put a commercial ad
on the radio.

He didn't like it.
I think it's fine.

I'm just, like, "I have to get
someone else's opinion."

Like, if you --
sh**t me straight.

Like, if you heard
this ad on the radio,

What you would think.

-Here we go.
-Okay.

here we go.

Only at the airport.

You see what I'm going for?

It's a steakhouse.
-Okay.

Yeah. Okay. So...

I'm a little confused.

Yeah, me, too.
Me, too.

'cause I'm confused as to why
he wouldn't like it.

-Oh.
-What are you confused about?

Well, there is
mariachi music, and --

Yeah, well,
it's a festive environment.

Got it.

You're confused about --

"you wouldn't rush to
the airport to eat a steak?"

You wouldn't g*n it to
the airport to eat a steak?

Even if you hear it
at the airport?
Yeah.

Yeah.

- yeah. God.

Now you sound like my dad.

Arthur, is that you?

Thumbs down, buddy.
Big loss.

Murr, good news.
Congratulations.

You own
a successful bridal shop.

Okay.

Shortly, you're going to
get a call from your wife

Who co-owns it with
you and is incensed
at the ad you placed.

Get someone to agree with you
over your wife.

Good luck.
-Hello?

Anyone with
a half a brain knows

That that is
an offensive ad.

What do you want me
to do now?

The ad's already running.
I think you're overreacting.

Oh, here he goes.
He's in.

That's not my opinion.
I'm sorry, love.

"well,
my opinion should matter.

I'm 60% owner."

"this ain't no
train-club basement, b*tch."

"pull the ad, b*tch.
Choo-choo."

We'll talk about it later.
I love you. Bye.

Excuse me, sir,
are you married?

You're not?
-No.

My wife and I
own a business.

She asked me to run,
like, a radio ad.

She's losing her mind.

She wants me to pull
the ad down.

Can I ask your opinion
on it?

Do you mind take a listen to it?
-Sure.

It just started playing,
like, a day ago.

Oh, here he goes.
He's in.

Call scrabis.

Good luck.

Right?

I'm referring to the dress.
-Sure.

So -- so --
but if -- if you put
the "in" in there...

In white.
That -- that would be
"less problematic."

Let me listen.

I don't know
if there's room to add it in.
Right, right.

♪ be white ♪

Go back a little more.

Go back to the beginning
of that bar.

♪ be white ♪
this guy's insane.

-Go back a little more.
-♪ must be white ♪

-Go back even more.
-♪ be white ♪

-Even more.
-♪ be white ♪

♪ bride must be white ♪

What you're --
what you're doing is a jingle.

A jingle is going to go by bars,
almost like a rap.

Yeah.

"oh, I know rap.
Eminem?"

It's going to screw
the whole cadence up.

Yeah, I got it. I know rap.
Em-- eminem.

-Yeah.
-I know it, I know it.

I'm just going to leave it
as is, right?

I wouldn't --

I -- I don't think
I would...Go that way.

Oh.

-Oh!
-Oh! sh*t.

So it's not ready to go.

-Wow.
-Wow.

Sal and q's ads
couldn't stay on the air,

So they're in for a surprise
as tonight's big losers.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

-You ready?
-We're doing it.

What is going on
right now?

Gentlemen, enter.

It's a punishment.

There's a hidden-camera crew
right over there.

They're operating
the things.

I'm in on this?

I was told
this was a special.

I'm really hungover,
man.

Are we sure
we want to do this?

Is this...
Can I bring my smoothie?

I can't see anything.
Who are you? What is that?

What is this?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

Ah, really?
I'm getting shackled.

I was told
I was answering faq.

what is going on?

A little tight on my calves,
by the way.

-Oh, here we go.
-What the is going on?

Is this like "saw"?

-It is like "saw."
-uh-oh.

What is this game show?

It's a punishment.

You have to put that tail
in your mouth.

This game is over
at 100 ounces.

I can't drink that much milk.

That is the point.

This is starting
to get a little unsettling.

Wait for next season
when it's ba*ls.

ba*ls?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.
You can't touch my ba*ls.

Oh. That's bright.

What the
is this?

It's, like, everything
from the show.

Look, look at the --
what the is this?
Oh, my god.

Sal, look down.

Gentlemen, we're here today

Because we like to play games,
don't we?

Welcome to "ba*ls."

Round one.

Let's begin.

-aah!

What is this?

Well, I know that this is
the angle I look best at.

So this is going to be good
for tv.

Gentlemen,
the boxing glove above you

Is controlled
by a two-horsepower motor.

It has been custom designed
by my friend zach,

From zach's contraptions, to
inflict "rocky iv"-level pain.

-No way. Dude.

My first game is simple.

When the rube goldberg machine
behind me begins,

You will have approximately
one minute to decide

Who gets the punishment.
-What?

You may notice there's a lever
above each of your hands.

If one of you pulls it, you take
the punishment for yourself.

If neither of you
pull the lever,

All four of your gonads
get ko'd.

Are the rules clear?
-No.

Let the game begin.

Machine has begun.

Oh

Time's ticking.

Get that ball.
Stop that ball.

Oh-oh. Decide.

Well, I'm certainly not going
to take the hit of the ba*ls

Just to be a good guy.

Right, right.

Rock, paper, scissors?

I guess.

-Two out of three.
-Two out of three.

Rock, paper, scissors.
-Quickly.

-Rock, paper, scissors.
-Rock, paper.

-Aah!
-Aah!



Pull the trigger!

They both got the punishment.

Neither of you pulled.

Alright, I got it.

-Too late. That's it.
-Oh, my god.

-That's that two-horsepower.
-Oh, god.

God, it really is
mashing my ba*ls.

What the

To be fair, I thought
we were taking one punch.

-Aah!
- keep going.

I didn't know
he was taking 100.

Keep going. Keep going.

No!
I said no.

he pulled his lever.

Oh.
-That's the honey pot.

What is happening?
Why are you hitting sal?

That's it.
Break the machine.

Gentlemen, I'm having a ball.

How about you?

This is nuts.

Let's move on to round two.

-Aah!

This is insane.

Welcome to round two,
gentlemen.

Dude.

That's
a tennis-ball thrower.

-Oh, god.
-Oh, come on, man.

oh, no.

Welcome to "ba*ls."

That's
a tennis-ball thrower.

-Oh, god.
-Oh, come on, man.

oh, no.

The playmate grand slam plus --

Capable of firing
up to 120 miles per hour.

That's going to hurt
when it misses the ba*ls.

Oh, is it?

Now, I'm generously giving
each of you

The opportunity to atone
for something you've done to me

In the past 12 seasons.

The tubes above you
contain helium

And sulfur hexafluoride,
to be exact.

Gentlemen, once the
rube goldberg machine begins,

Breathe the gas,
apologize.

Breathe the gas,
apologize.

Whomever I believe
the most sincere is safe.

The other plays a little round
of tennis with me.

oh, no.

And apologize.

Apologize.

okay, buddy,
uh, here's the thing.

Uh, hey, you remember --

I breathed too early.

I breathed too early.

You remember that time they
wanted to shave your eyebrows

And I fought for you?
-Yes, I appreciate that.

Now I'm leaning toward q.

Oh. Apologize.

You know what?
you.

You're going to hit me
anyway.

Oh, god. Oh, my god,
that

Could be a little
for you, too, q.

How many prostate exams?

How many prostate exams?

Oh.

I'm following the rules,
you son of a --

Aw you!

I'm going to throw up.

I'm not apologizing
for sh*t.

You suck.
You'll always suck.

you.

that was worse than the glove.

he kept
hitting my stomach fat.

Alright, gentlemen,
round three.

This is crazy.

You might have noticed
there are two

Precariously placed
bowling ba*ls...
Oh, sh*t.

...Directly above
your family jewels.

When the rube goldberg machine
begins, one at a time,

You must sincerely compliment me
without lying.

Henchmen.

What -- what is this?

You are each now attached
to these lie-detector machines.

-Aw.
-If I detect that you are lying,

The bowling ball
will strike down,

And then it's game over
for one of you turkeys.

all bowling puns, you see.

Just hit me with the ball.

Let the game begin.

Compliment me.
Go.

Uh, well, hey, man,

I'll tell you
right off the bat,

You married
out of your league.

You pulled.

-That's the truth.
-That's true, man.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

-To your testicles.
-Oh. Buddy.

Compliment me.

I-I-I appreciate
your perseverance.

'cause even when an idea sucks
and I tell you it sucks,

You still want to do it.

That's the truth.

You know
what's really nice?

You always send soup
when I'm sick,

And I got to tell you,
that's very thoughtful.

-Hey. Hey.
-That's true.

Hey, what kind of a friend --
a great friend sends someone

A basket of produce
from their own garden.

Truth. Truth.

I read your books.

I didn't,

Because I don't want
to disrespect you.

Gentlemen,
to tell you the truth,

I have no idea how to use
a lie-detector machine.

So as a result,
you both get punished.

No, no, no! Oh!

Thank you so much for
joining us this week on "ba*ls."

It seems as if the winner
of this game show is me,

Gentlemen,
see you in one hour.

See you in one hour.

I don't want to be here
for an hour.

What is this?

Oh, no.
-No.

This -- this could have been
the punishment.

This is the punishment.

Can't you just put, like,
a tarantula on me?

I can't -- I legitimately
cannot feel my feet.

The - the circulation
has been cut off,

And my feet are k*lling me,
bud.

He's a serial k*ller.

He is a serial k*ller.

Oh
good god.

You're proving nothing.

You couldn't do it
when it counted.