12x01 - The Endless Esophagus

[bunniefuu]

Let's just get this started.

Are you kidding me?

Who's a good cat?

Today we're posing
as maintenance workers

In an office building doing
repairs inside this hvac vent.

That's right,
and the temp worker will
be in the adjacent room,

And the only way
we can communicate with them

Is through a small vent
in the wall.

While "working" in the wall,
we're gonna have to do

And say whatever
the other guys tell us to,

And if you refuse,
you lose.

Sal: Okay,
so murray is in the vent.

We built this whole
entire room out today,

Which is amazing.

Oh, oh, I hear somebody.

Yeah, if you want to just
grab a spot here.

Sal: Here we go.

Whatever you need.
Sure. Okay.

All right.
Thank you so much.
No worries.

Murr: I don't want to scare you.
I won't be banging long, okay?

Don't worry about me.

oh, no worries.

Yeah, sorry.
We're doing hvac work.

Yeah, you know.

Murr, at some point,
I want you to introduce yourself

And stick your finger through
the vents to shake her hand.

-What's your name?
-Christine.

-Hi. I'm james. How are you?
-I'm good. Thank you.

Here, here, here.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to -- nice to see you.
Nice to see you.

She shook his finger.

All right, murr, lunch is
getting delivered to you.

Surprise.

Got an order for james?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. Hi.

$23.92.

Sal: In the vent is how
you're gonna pay for it.

It's a wad of singles in there.
I want you to pay one by one.

Uh, here you go, buddy.
I got, I got...

Yeah, just...

$20.92.

-Uh, 92 cents.
-Okay, hold on.

You got it?
You know what?
Sure.

Hey, thanks, man.

Oh! Tip.

Oh, my god.
I forgot to tip the guy.

Christine, can you do me
a favor real quick?

Can you run, catch him
before he gets to the elevator?

Here, here, here, here,
here, come here, come here.

Here.
Just tip him real quick.

Wait, wait, I got more,
I got -- give him a $5.

Here you go, christine.

Just give him --
there's two more.

There's one.
And then tell him I forgot.

My apologies
forgetting the tip.

Did you catch him?
Yeah.

Oh, thank god.

Sal: She hates you.

In a second,
I just want you to go,

"ooh! My soup!"

Ooh! My soup!

Well, there is a straw.
It could be feasible, murray,

That she could feed you
your own soup

Through that vent
in that straw.

Murr: Oh, hey, christine.
Could I ask a favor?

What?

Uh, could you grab the soup
out of the bag for me,

If you don't mind?

Murr: Yeah, you can take it out.
Okay, okay.

Can you just open the lid
for me real quick?

I can't believe
she's doing this.

Oh, you're the best.

Just guide it toward there,
if you don't mind.

mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
mm-hmm.

Thank youso much,
christine.

-He got it. He got it.
-I can't believe this.

Oh. Thank you.
That hit the spot.

Thank you, christine.

"I wish I had gotten
something a little less chunky."

Murr: In retrospect, something
less chunky would have been

A better choice, but...

Sal: There's an electric saw
in there.

We're gonna have
you start it.

Ostensibly, you're
going to pierce yourself.

There's a blood dripper
in there.

We want blood to just start
seeping out of the vents.

I want to hear a yelp.
You know, like, "hiiiey!"

Eeeee!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

"got any napkins
out there?"

Christine, can I-I bother you
to grab me a couple

Paper towels up there,
if you don't mind?

Ay, I got a little nick.

"you know, I'm in construction
happens all the time, you know?"

Start sipping the soup.
Just start sipping the soup.

Let me just get
a little bit more of that chili.

"oh, that's bloody
good soup."

Oh, that's
bloody good soup.

Getting a little hot
in here.

It's getting a little --
oh, god.

Oh. I'm sorry.

She's leaving.
She's gone. She's gone.

You know, I should really get
some medical attention

And forget the soup
at this point.

You can grab a spot here.

Make sure there are plenty.

-Thank you.
-Thank you, man.

Murr: Sal, I want you to open
the vent and ask this guy,

"where are you from?"

Oh, where are you from?

He can't find you.

Oh, I'm working over here.
Oh, I'm sorry, man!

How you doing?
Good. How you doing?

You see me staring
at the walls?

-We're working on the hvac.
-Yeah.

Yeah.
"oh, man.

I'm supposed
to look up a recipe,

But I can't find my phone."
oh, no!

"could you look that up
for me?"

-I'm cooking dinner tonight.
-Oh. That's good.

But you know what?
I can't even find my --

I supposed to look
this recipe up. I can't even --

-You can't find your cellphone?
-"do you have your phone?"

Do you have your phone
on you?
Yep.

Can you just look up a recipe
for me real quick?

-Sure.
-Thank you.

"it is a cider-braised
pot roast."

Okay, so it's
a cider-braised pot roast.

"with crispy
sage-butter potatoes."

It's a cider-braised pot roast
with -- can you put "with"?

With crispy
sage-butter potatoes.

Do you want me
to click on one?

Yeah, which one looks
appetizing to you?

-You like carrots? Onions?
-Yeah!

So I'm gonna go with this one
right here.

Yes, yes, okay.
Yeah.

Murr: Go through
the whole recipe.

Okay, so 3 pounds of black angus
choice chuck roast

Is what I gotta pick up then.

That's three sweet onions
thinly sliced,


of all-purpose flour,

And then actually
is this turmeric?





Uh-oh!
You broke the vent.

Sal, blame that guy
for the broken vent.

Oh, we gotta be careful there.
We just broke the vent.

Half a butternut squash
instead of one.

And then kosher salt and pepper.

It doesn't give an amount
at all, so I guess I'll do it --

I'll do it to taste.
Okay.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
You all right?

-Yes, sir. Thank you.
-No problem.

Sal, sal, hit your apple watch
to call your phone.

You know what?
I have my apple watch on me.

oh, it is! It is in there!

-Yeah, it's here. I see it.
-Oh!

Thank you so much.
Thank you so, so much.

Oh, sal, only another vent to
lay before you go to thailand.

Getting ready
to take a trip to thailand.

-You going to thailand?
-Yeah.

-Wow.
-It's to help your wife out.

I'm going to help out
my wife.

-Oh. She's there?
-Yeah.

Okay.
You'll get there, man.

Now, buddy,
uh, on your phone,

We loaded some audio.
Hit play.

Female voice:
Where is the bathroom?

Sal: I'm trying to learn,
like, um...

Speak the language
a little bit.
Yeah, know the basics.

I'm looking for my wife.
She's missing.

I have a g*n.

No, thank you.
That food looks nasty.

"hey, you piece of sh*t."
then say, "I have a g*n."

hey, you piece of sh*t.

Unhand my wife.

This is your last chance.
Where is the bathroom?

Where is the bathroom?
I have a g*n.

You gotta call the police.

Sal, do me a favor.
Stick your nose
through the vents.

Get it out there.
Take a big sniff.

what is that?
Ooh! That's a...

Smell the hershey's kisses?

"no, it smells awful.

What is that,
a wet dog or something?"

It smells -- it's...

Yeah!
I smell the hershey from here.

Yeah, the hershey kisses.

q: Oh, buddy.
All that to lose at that?

Murr:
All right, q-bert.

Hey, just to let you know,
I'm still in here.

Just doing some hvac stuff
in the building.

Gotcha. Okay.
I'm brian, by the way.

I'm christine.
Hi, christine.

How are you?
Nice to meet you.

"I tell you what,
I feel like the good guy

In that movie 'die hard.'"

It's funny crawling
around in the vents.

I feel like I'm the good guy
in that movie.

Do you ever see "die hard"?
Yeah.

"whoop-de-do,
mother"

Whoop-de-do,
mother

Say, uh,
"you want to hear a secret?"

You want to hear a secret?

Sure.
I love secrets.

Close the vent.
"I'm not telling you."

I'm not telling you.

Just start playing
like a kid.

Come in.

Are you still interested
in hearing that secret?

Yes.
Slam it!

Q, stick your
middle finger through.

-Hey, christine.
-Yeah.

Q, do two middle fingers
and then whip 'em back out.

-Hey, christine.
-Yep.

Sal: Ask her for a pen.
And then when she --

When she hands it to you,
go, "mine, mine.

My treasure, my treasure."

All joking aside,
is there a pen out there?

Do you see a pen?
Yeah, I have a pen.

Oh, can I just...

Murr: Oh, she's grabbing
her own pen!

Thank you.
I gotta make a note on the...

Thank you. Mine!

My treasures!

You literally are like
a 12-year-old boy.

This is my treasure now.

♪ I'll never give it back ♪

She's taking a video
of you.

♪ this pen's mine forever ♪

♪ treasures in the vent
belong to me ♪

Stick your middle finger
through and pull it out again.

Take it out!

Sal: You should try to
squeeze out of there.

Yeah, buddy, your shift's over.
Get out of the vent.

All right, hold on
a second.

Oh, my god.

Yeah, buddy, your shift's over.
Get out of the vent.

All right,
hold on a second.

Oh, my god.

Well, now
you have to fix it.

Murr:
Oh, no! Oh, no!

You just look at her
and go, "pew-pew" and
sh**t her with a g*n.

Pew-pew!

Narrator: Sal couldn't
prevent failure,

So he's first
on the loser board.

Today we are at
tompkins square bagels
taking orders.

When the order is ready,

We'll call out the name
on the ticket,

Except we won't be calling out
the name the customer gave,

Because the name or description
we're calling out

Has been written
by the other guys.

So then we'll have to ask
the customer, "so who are you?"

And if they don't repeat back
that ridiculous nickname,

You lose.

All right, sal.

Ooh, this is wild.

It's crazy out there, right?

Let's see how badly

One of the workers
doesn't want to be bothered.

Okay?
Okay.

Hello? Hello?

Oh, yeah, sure.
It's for you.

Oh, okay.
Murr: He's busy!

-All right, buddy.
-All right.

The woman there
with the headphones in.

Do you see her?
Okay.

We got a good one.

-It's gotta be her, right?
-Yeah, it's the only one.

Oh, me.

She's not gonna say
this is her.

Um...

Ra--

Racially ambiguous baddie?

Oh, itmust be her.

Uh, order for
racially ambiguous baddie?

Blueberry bagel?

Racially ambiguous baddie?

So you are
racially ambiguous baddie?

She's gotta say it.
Who are you?

I have
racially ambiguous baddie.

So you are...

thank you.

Man, I got anxiety.

So, sal, we're gonna have you
do this guy with the beanie.

-Okay.
-All right, buddy.

A classic, a classic.
Uh-huh.

Bringin' it back.

Ugh.

Uh, order for
dis b*tch gots a hat on.

Ooh, he's stone-faced.

Order for
dis b*tch gots a hat on.

he's laughing,
he's laughing.

"do any b*tches
got a hat on?"

A plain toasted egg.
Dis b*tch gots a hat on.

-Sir?
-I have a toasted bagel and egg.

-Is this you?
-Yeah.

Okay, so you are...
Josh.

But this is for
dis b*tch gots a hat on.

-I guess, yeah, that's me.
-So you are...

Dis b*tch got a hat on.

Yeah.
Thank you.

Good job, buddy.

-Here we go.
-All right.

Sal: Okay, babe.
It's the blue-haired lady

Right to your left there,
right at the counter.

Murr:
okay.

Are you gonna be
able to pull this one off?

I think so.
Yeah?

Order up.

oh, his voice is cracking.

Order up for, uh, if a wizard
turned a mop into a person.

Order up for if a wizard
turned a mop into a person.

"gandalf? Dumbledore?"

Dumbledore, gandalf saw a mop --
inanimate --

Turns it, using his wiles,
into a human being.

his wiles!
Using his wiles!

Whose order is that?
It's a pizza bagel.

I ordered a pizza bagel,
so I guess I'm the mop.
You ordered a pizza bagel?

So you must be...

A wizard who turned a mop
into a person?

Got it, got it.
You're the -- okay.

That's for you, then.
There you go.

She's not the wizard.
She's the mop.

Just to be clear, though,
you wouldn't be the wizard.

You would be...
The mop.

...The mop.
Yeah.

Not the wizard.

Wow, murray!
She's awesome.

Geez!
She's so fun.

All right, murr, we're gonna
give you another one.

Okay.
We're not gonna
tell you who it's for.

okay. Okay.
And I don't know who it's for?

You just gotta pull it out
and start reading it.

Okay. Okay.

Order for featureless white
overly confident cable persona

Foot-steppin'
farmer-faking,

Soup-slurpin',
fake-teeth-havin',

Lily-white mother,

Threaded eyebrows that only
serve to highlight the emptiness

Behind his phony man's eyes.

Oh, it'smy bagel.

I'm on break, b*tches.

This is gonna be something.

it's gonna be something.

Sal: Q, you see the blond girl
with the brown jacket?

-I do.
-Her food is ready.

Diz--

Uh, the dizzy dame?

An order for the dizzy dame?

You dizzy dame?
No.

What's that say?

It says chicken salad
and onion.

Yeah, it's my order.
The chicken salad.

So you are...?

Ellie.

Eh, that's not
what I have here.

I have, uh,
the dizzy dame.

Is that you?
No.

Murr:
She's gotta say it.

-But this is your order?
-Yeah.

-So you are...
-You are...

So you are...

Dizzy dame.

-Oh!
-There it is.

Oh, there it is, there it is.
Ellie. I got you right there.

-Okay.
-Nice, bud. You got one.

Murr: All right, q, it's the
gentleman with the brown jacket

And the satchel
over his chest.

Indiana jones?

Here we go.
There's his food.

Dud muffin.

I got a bagel
for dud muffin?

he's like, "it's not me.
I ain't no dud."

That's dud muffin?

he said no.

What did you order?

Yeah. Bacon, egg and cheese.
Right.

That's it. That's you.
It says dud muffin.

-Chris?
-No, no, no.

That's the name --
dud muffin.

Okay.
My name's chris.

-This is your order?
-Yeah.

So you must be...?

-Dud muffin?
-There you go.

We got through that
together, buddy.

Here you go, chris.
There's your receipt.

he did not want
to admit he's dud muffin.

Good job, buddy.
We got the next one.

Oh, boy.
This guy, the bald guy.

Yeah, I see him.

All right, buddy,
what do you got?

Murr: All right, buddy,
what do you got?

it's gotta be this guy, right?

I-I can't say this.

Yes, you can.

Uh...

Is that eight bagels
and two cream cheese?

Yeah, it's for
the fresh prince of no hair?

That can't be you.
what?

It says
the fresh prince of no hair.

No. That's him.
He's with me.

-Ha!
-He's waving. He just waved, q.

Fresh prince of no hair?
That's him?

It says fresh prince
of no hair.
This is your order?

This is our order, yeah.

So you are...?

The fresh prince of no hair,
I guess.

There you go, my friend.

Narrator: Looks like sal made
a name for himself

As tonight's big loser.

Hey, sal lost!
That's right, buddy,

Which is why we're here
at the slipper room,

Where a crowd of people
cannot wait to see you perform.

Yes. Now, we hired a very,
very talented sword swallower.

And you will also
be doing that.

Okay.

But not just swords.
All types of stuff.

That's it. We went real simple
on this one, buddy.

You're just gonna be
making me gag

On large items
all night long.

Murr:
This idea is very simple.

Just make sal choke.

Here we go, buddy.
You're up.

Sal: Oh, my god.
me.

We put everything
that we want you to say

On a teleprompter
at the back of the theater.

So all you got to do is worry
about swallowing swords.
Yeah.

There he is.
Look at how handsome he is.

So sal's partner in crime
is gin minsky.

She's the professional
tonight.

She actually knows
what she's doing.
Yeah.

Good eve,
my brothers and sisters.

Thank you so much for joining us
on this beautiful spring night.

We are a real
brother-and-sister duo.

This is gin
and I, eduardo,

And we are about
to take our bodies to the limit.

You know,
as much as I love gin,

I especially love
a gin martini.

Ah, cherry.

Bottoms up.
Cherries down.

All right, here we go.

Oh, boy.

Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

-Oh, my god!
-Jesus!

Oh, my god.

Oh!
Murr: No!

How'd you do that?!

All right, sal, your turn.

Oh, my god.
Really, guys?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

here we go.
Sally, just get that cherry.

there you go, sal.
It's a katana blade.

Yeah, that'll help.

Yeah. That's it.
Lube it up.

Oh, my god, sal.
Oh, my god!

It's not gonna --
be careful.

Don't cut yourself.
Don't cut your uvula.

It's so dumb.
It's so stupid.

Come on.
Be a little showman about it.

Yeah. There you go.
There you go.

Play to the audience.

oh, my god, dude.
Oh.

Woman: Oh, my god.

Murr: yeah!

All right.
You're not done, buddy.

can't stand it.
Dude! That is...

It hurts so bad.
The sword hurts so bad.

We got the easy one
out of the way.

Act two is
where it really gets hard.

The katana was easy?
The katana blade?

Yeah!
All right, sal, act two!

Act two.

How are we all enjoying
tonight's show?

What?
Who's that in the audience?

Oh, who's that
in the audience?

My father's here?

Murr: He comes to these shows
all the time, yeah.

Hey, dad.
How you doing out there?

Enjoying the show?

Good, good.

Love to have you back here
on "impractical jokers."

Give you another opportunity
to be proud of your son.

That's -- that's my son.

Murr: The woman on fire!

And now I swallow this
wrought-iron pipe.

All right.
Make your dad proud, sal.

Holy...

Oh. It's, like, got ridges.

Oh, it's taller than him.

Here we go.

I'm not proud.

After you've swallowed
a sword,

The only place to go...
Is a saber.

This isn't gonna go well.

Murr: Turn it on.

I want to see the light
in your belly.

From dusk comes dawn.

From darkness comes light.

Let's swallow our sabers

And light up the night.

Oh, my god!

As a wise green man
once said,

"do or do not.

There is no try."

I generally can do this.

Why would you
promise that?

[ scattered
cheers and applause ]

I wonder what's next, sal.
I wonder what's next.

We're going to do
something different,

And I think we're going to see
if someone in the audience

Has something
that you can swallow.

I do.

Murr:
Yeah! All right!

Hello, sir.

Oh.
I happen to have
these sausages.

Sal sr., say, "go ahead.
Swallow that sausage."

The feast of the seven --
go ahead.
Swallow that sausage.

The feast
of the seven sausages.

What even...

That was three.
That's a thick one.

Hungarian kielbasa.

Polish!

What is this
punishment?!

Let's do it!

All right, sal!
Yeah!

And his esophagus,
ladies and gentlemen.

There you go, buddy.
That was terrible.

I really hurt my throat
with that katana blade.