12x23 - Barbara Lost

[bunniefuu]

When.

Did you two take up plumbing?

Since Ernie's sweat sock went down the garbage disposal.

Good, Polly.

Don't ask me why I'm grinding up sweat socks.

It was an accident.

Charley was supposed to fix this,
but he had to take off for the airport.

And besides, he gave up plumbing when he
hit his head on the sink.

If you hear a scream, it'll just be Mama
wiping out her slum again.

Oh, Polly, what is that thing that squinches
up and down when you turn the knob?

Do you mean a pipe wrench?

Oh, that's it.

See if we have one.

I already looked.

Here you go.

Oh, thanks.

Now, if I can just get this do-hinky thing off of here.

Oh, well, I loosened the pipe, and in a few
hours, we should be completely submerged.

I'll get a pan.

Let's face it, Mom, girls aren't supposed to slum.

May I ask an obvious question?

It is Saturday.

And I refuse to pay double.

A little and a half or whatever for a plumber.

Oh, dear.

Well, let's wait till one of the boys come
home, and they can...

Polly, what are you doing over here, honey?

Well, to tell you the truth, I'm having a
problem with Chip.

I thought I'd talk to Dad about it.

You're going to have to talk awful loud.

Why, Dodie?

He's in Chicago.

I heard he was leaving.

Well, it was a surprise to us, too.

I mean, he had to represent the
company at a conference, and I

fed him at 6 O'clock, and
Charlie whisked him to the airport.

Want to talk over how horrible Chip is with us?

Why don't we go in the living room?

This thing is going to drive me nuts.

Come on, love.

Hi, Katie.

Hi, Polly.

Well, you have looked more spick and span in your time.

But I accomplished a first-class dripping under the sink.

Before I go get cleaned up, Polly, tell me more about Chip.

Well, do any of you remember a guy from
Bryant Park named Brian Lipsker?

I never was in Bryant Park, so I don't know him.

I visited Bryant Park, but I didn't meet
anybody by that name.

Well, he showed up yesterday, and he's
already got Chip's head messed up.

Maybe you should call the police.

I don't think so, honey.

Go on.

Well, Chip is talking about giving up
chemical engineering and getting into hard rock.

Chip wants to quit his studies because of
a guy named Brian Lipsker.

Who is he?

Well, his performing name is John Simpson.

John Simpson!

Who?

John Simpson.

I think I'm gonna crow.

He's a very big star.

Well, I got Steve on the plane all right.

And Barbara, all those stoicism, they are
beautiful, but you got nothing to worry about.

They were all right.

They were all looking at me.

Well, you're still too cheap to call a plumber, huh?

Well, just look at you.

Hey, Uncle Charley, John Simpson's hanging
around with Chip.

Where am I supposed to faint?

Man, you never heard of him either?

Never.

Man!

You guys would probably walk right past the Rolling Stones
or Creedence Clearwater without falling down or anything.

John Simpson's real name is Brian Lipsker.

Brian Lipsker?

You mean that nice little character from Bryant Park?

That nice little character from Bryant
Park is a big rock star.

He and Chip are over at our apartment
right now reminiscing about Bryant Park.

He's in town?

Well, get him over here for dinner.

His folks were always nice to Chip.

John Simpson, coming over here for dinner.

When?

When we make it tomorrow night.

I'll call him myself.

Am I too young for a fur coat?

Just look at that, Uncle Charley.

Yeah, well, last time I saw that kid,
he was on roller skates.

Don't you think it'd be cooler if he
didn't gawk out the window?

Ernie, if I look ugly, I'm gonna k*ll myself.

Do I look ugly?

You look beautiful, Dodie.

Yeah, I'll get it.

Brian, my boy.

Hey, Uncle Charley.

Are you kidding, Uncle Charley?

You really made my favorite dish?

Yeah.

Don't you think I remember what you used
to stuff your face with back in Brian Park?

Now, are you ready?

Uh-huh.

Yeah-ha!

Ha-ha!

Chili dog!

Oh, Uncle Charley, you have an incredible memory.

You mean you eat food like regular people?

Sure, Dodie.

Just because I sing rock and roll, that doesn't
make me any different than anybody else.

Man, I'll never wash my hair again in my whole life.

Hey, Brian, where'd you get that great-looking car?

I picked it up in Switzerland from a guy I met.

Turned out to be the prince of some Middle
Eastern country or something.

Mmm!

Uncle Charley, you sure haven't lost your chili dog touch.

Well, naturally.

Hey, when did you... When did you
start hanging out with royalty, huh?

All you do is play the guitar, right?

Right, but in this business, you get to
meet all kinds of people.

Man, that really knocks me out.

You start picking your guitar on your porch in
Bryant Park, you turn it into a fantastic way of life.

Well, it took a lot of picking.

And a lot of luck.

I don't think it changed you, Annie.

You still seem like the same old guy.

We heard you gave a command performance.

Yeah, I was in England last year.

And then I did a stadium in Japan in front
of 100,000 people.

And then I got a chance to go to Russia this year.

I don't have anything to complain about.

Well, you certainly lead an interesting life,
but wouldn't you say it's the life of a single man?

Well, it was for a while, yeah.

But then, since I got married,
I take my wife with me everywhere I go.

You mean I'm in love with a married man?

Yeah, sorry, Dodie.

She'd be here tonight, but we're expecting
our second child.

So she's kind of tired, you know.

Isn't it difficult traveling around with your family?

No, we have a nurse for the baby, and I make sure
my wife doesn't have anything too strenuous to do.

Man, that kills me.

What a way to live.

Well, chemical engineering is a very fine profession.

Don't you think so, Brian?

Call me John, Mrs. Douglas.

I almost forgot who Brian was.

And to answer your question, yeah, I do
think chemical engineering is a good deal.

Yeah, but...

Why go through all that studying in chemical
engineering and then graduate and park cars?

You know, engineers go begging these days.

But, Chip, it takes more than just desire
to get into the music business.

You have to have talent, too.

That's what they say, yeah.

Uh, if you keep hammering away on that box
long enough, maybe you can join my group.

No kidding?

Sure.

Hey, Chip, when do you make it?

Remember, you're going to need a valet.

You're hired, aren't you?

I hope you're not making a mistake, Chip.

Come on, let's, uh, check this thing out right.

How much money do you make in a year?

Yeah, uh, how worthwhile is it for Chip to go after music?

Mm, under two million.

Are you talking about dollars or trading standards?

Dollars.

But, you know, with taxes and...

Where you going, Uncle Charley?

Out.

To buy me a guitar.

Three Sons, Saturday mornings at 8, here on Odyssey.

Phil,

let me hear those Tom-Toms alone for just
a minute, and hit them real hard.

Okay, uh, loosen those skins just a little bit.

I think we got it.

John, is it always this noisy?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

I guess hard rock's just a noisy business.

What are all those switches and junk for?

Well, they're so we can take the basic
sound from each instrument out there and

kind of blend them all together until we
get the sound we want.

That looks like it can electrocute your brains loose.

You mean to tell me that you actually know
what every one of these switches does?

Oh, yeah, I have to, Mrs. Douglas.

You know, producing records these days is a pretty
complicated business, and you have to know how to use them.

You have to know how to use the whole
studio as an instrument.

That's amazing!

Okay, Chris, let me hear a couple of licks on that piano.

I want to see if I should roll some echo on.

Robbie, be careful.

You're going to derail your brother.

Hey, why don't you guys plan something
quiet, like holding your breath?

Oh, that's a great idea, Uncle Charley.

Now, what happens when they start turning blue?

No, don't hold your breath!

Oh, don't do that!

Oh, I wonder how they're doing at the session.

Well, Dodie's doing fine, but,
uh, you know, Barbara was raised on Glenn

Miller, but she ought to be having a
nervous breakdown about now.

Like us.

That's right, Destin.

Fall all over yourself.

Come on and get it if you want it.

Go ahead.

Wait, you want that thing over there now?

Yeah, well, you can't have it.

That's Uncle Charley, see?

I didn't want to fool you, but you can't have it.

Okay, guys, hold it.

That's okay.

Take five.

Take five.

It's a musician talk.

Oh.

I thought that sounded great.

Well, it wasn't quite right.

We'll retake it again.

You're kidding.

No, the piano player made at least three mistakes,
and the bass player was just a hair late on his intro.

What?

I have a very good ear for music at all.

I didn't hear one mistake.

He has to be pretty picky if he wants his
records to be on the charts, Mom.

Very well put, Dodie.

I'll never wash my shoulder in my whole life again.

Barbara, have you heard Chip play the guitar?

Well, he played for me over at the apartment the other day.

Well, to me, he's always played just, well, so-so.

Has he improved that much?

I don't know, honey.

I'm no judge.

Well, you heard Brian play at the recording session, huh?

Uh-huh.

Does Chip measure up?

Well, now that you mention it, no.

Well, that's what I mean.

What are you going to say to him?

I don't know.

How do you tell your son he just isn't good enough?

Well, that's it.

Chip, I haven't heard you play in quite a while.

You're playing very well.

You must have been doing a lot of practicing, huh?

You know, I get more kicks out of playing that guitar
than I ever did out of studying chemical engineering.

But it doesn't lead anywhere, Chip.

Chemical engineering gives you direction.

Right, Dad?

Well, Polly's right in a lot of ways, Chip.

Uh, the field you've been pursuing has some solidity to it.

Well, uh, you know, I, uh, I remember
having this same conversation with my father.

Yeah?

What'd your dad say?

Well, you know, you heard me play my old
saxophone around the house, and,

uh, well, you know I'm no saxophone virtuoso.

Uh, but it was different than my idea.

I think, uh, nowadays you have to be very
good to make a living in music.

Yeah, I know.

But, uh, anyway, what did your dad say?

Uh, did you know I almost, uh,
quit high school to join a band?

Really?

I didn't know that.

I almost went on the road with a band called, uh...

Harold Huggins and his Honeybugs.

Harold Huggins and the Honeybugs?

Boy, don't ever let me hear you knock any
of the groups today.

Why don't you go ahead and eat, Dad?

I promised Barbara you'd be at work by 8 O 'clock.

Why didn't you become a musician, Dad?

Not enough security in that field, right?

No, that wasn't exactly it.

I had the job.

I was going to get paid $25 a week.

$25 a week?

Well, now, don't laugh.

That's, uh... That was pretty good money.

That was pretty good money in those days.

But two days before I was supposed to
leave, I broke my leg running the high hurdles.

Wow.

You could have been a musician, except for one high hurdle.

Well, let's say I could have been a honey bug.

Don't you see what your dad is saying, Chip?

He says he could have been a honey bug,
meaning there's no such thing anymore.

No, he isn't.

He's saying that I shouldn't give up the guitar.

Is that right, Dad?

My logic says, uh...

chemical engineering is stable, but, uh, my
memory tells me being a musician is a lot of fun.

But the difference between stability and
fun is pretty obvious, Chip.

Not to me.

Anyway, you never got around to saying what your dad said.

Well, uh...

he advised me to become a musician.

So you never did tell him he isn't good enough.

I couldn't tell him he isn't good enough
because he plays very well.

Barbara, will you quit taking the tops off my pots?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just wanted to see if the potatoes were coming to a boil.

Mm-hmm.

When the water spills over the side, it's come to a boil.

Okay?

Okay.

Uh, well, where do we stand?

Well, honey, the minute I heard him play,
I had no argument.

Besides, I really think this is Chip's problem.

I'll say it's Chip's problem.

Polly threw him out of the house today.

What?

I didn't hear about that.

Oh, well, you were at the market,
and Katie was upstairs chasing the

triplets around, and I was here when Chip showed up.

You mean, uh, Chip is here now?

Sure.

He's upstairs practicing.

Well, hi, honey.

Hello, Polly.

Hi.

Hi.

I never thought I'd say anything so
old-fashioned, but I'm so ashamed.

For what?

For being so selfish.

In the long run, a wife should go along
with what her husband wants to do.

When I go old-fashioned, I don't mess around, do I?

When you throw your husband out of the
house, you don't mess around either.

Charley.

I didn't really throw him out, Uncle Charley.

I just let it be known that I was tired of
him practicing day and night.

Dad, would you talk to him?

Well, Polly's right upstairs.

Why don't you talk to him?

Well, I'm not very good at face-to-face confrontations.

I do feminine things, like I cry a lot.

What do you want Steve to tell him?

I can handle my end of the conversation, Charley.

What would you want me to say to him, Polly?

Well, that I'm sorry, and that if he wants
to be a musician, it's okay.

And that I love him.

Well, Steve can't handle that last one.

It isn't whether I can handle it or not, Charley.

It's a matter of should I.

Polly, what if we lived in Pittsburgh or
someplace and you couldn't come to us?

Honey, we don't live in Pittsburgh.

Chip is your son, and this is rather important.

Look, Steve, if you don't want to do it, I will.

No, no, no, I'll do it.

As long as I'm not in Pittsburgh.

You know something, Polly?

There's going to come a time when you're
going to have to be on your own.

You know, me, Steve, and Barbara ain't
going to be around forever.

I know.

I'm learning.

I really am.

After all, I threw my husband out all by myself.

Come in.

It's a little rough.

Well, maybe it's a difficult tune, Chip.

No.

No?

Well, it's just that it takes me quite a
while to learn a new tune.

I thought you played very well this morning.

Yeah, but that's the only tune I've got down perfect.

I'm working on a bunch of others.

That's why I'm practicing so much.

You know, I'm getting blisters on my calluses.

Well, Chip, I came in here to tell you Polly's
downstairs, and she said she's sorry she sent you away.

Polly's here?

As I said, she's sorry.

Polly's a cool girl.

You know, I'm really glad I married her.

Oh, I certainly hope so.

Chip, are you still seriously thinking of quitting school?

Sort of.

Do you really think you can make a career out of music?

I mean, make a living for your family?

Well, it'll take a lot of hard work,
but I think I can do it.

Well, let's say you're good enough to join Brian's group.

They've been playing together quite a while, haven't they?

All right.

Well, that means you're going to have to
learn an awful lot of tunes in a hurry, huh?

Yeah, I guess.

Chipper, I know it's true kids go into
music today, and sometimes they hit it big.

Of course, sometimes they hit it big on just one
record, and then you never hear them again, right?

Must be a tough business.

Yeah, I know, but...

Well, maybe if I took a music course instead...

Well, I say if you decide to make music
your life's vocation, that'd be the way to do it.

Of course, I'd be starting all over again, wouldn't I?

Four years of music.

That's against two years of chemical engineering.

That's all you have left, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where are you going, Chipper?

To tell Polly I finally saw the light.

Good.

Thanks, Dad.

Well, I see you called a plumber.

Yeah, finally, somebody stripped the
threads on the trap or something.

Oh.

Well, I guess I did that.

You stripped these threads, mister?

Oh, I think I hear the boys crying.

Yeah, I was using a pipe wrench, and I guess
I pulled too hard, and I felt the whole thing give.

Hmm.

I was telling your missus, I don't come down to
where you work and mess around with your ailerons.

So honest.

No offense, ma'am, but you shouldn't mess
around with my trap.

The point is, now it's going to cost you, correct?

Yes, I'm sure that's correct.

It's a funny thing.

Just when you think you can solve all problems,
someone comes along and puts you in your place.

I think you'd be insufferable if you
didn't strip a thread once in a while.

But only one American family will have a
visitor from another planet.

It's an owl.

An alien life form.

Owl?

Next, only on Odyssey.