12x02 - Fergus for Sale

[bunniefuu]

Hi.

Welcome to our show.

No, he doesn't want yours, Phil.

He wants one that ain't yours.

Well, anyhow, he just walked in here and
he grabbed some of my coffee without asking.

I'll talk to you later.

Well, hi, honey.

How was school?

Fine.

Ernie wanted me to tell you that he was eating over at a
friend's house and that if I didn't tell you, he'd croak me.

Did he say what friend?

No.

All he said was that his friend had a neat
sister and that he'd call you later.

Okay.

I want you to change your clothes and hang
this dress up, okay?

Okay.

All right.

How come Uncle Charley's being so nice to Mr. Douglas?

Uncle Charley's being nice to Fergus?

Yeah.

When I was coming through the kitchen just
now, he said he was a nice man.

Aren't you going to listen at the door?

Nice to listen at doors.

You know, Fergus, you've got the worst accent
I've ever heard, but I'm willing to help you out.

Now, man to man, what kind of a woman are you looking for?

Woman?

You're looking for a woman to make interlaces?

You're Lady Douglas, ain't you?

Aye.

Well, what are you looking for?

Old, young, tall, fat, thin, plain, fancy, what?

I'll not know till I see her.

Oh, then you're not fussy, huh?

I'm no fussy.

But I'm very selective.

Well, I must post these.

And I must say, the price you pay for
stamps in this country would beggar a baron.

Good day to you, Charles.

Hello.

Look, if I dig up a few names for you,
will you look them over?

Aye.

Aye.

How do you do?

I'm Mr. Douglas.

You're Mr. Douglas?

Yes.

Hey, you gotta, you know, forgive the way I look.

I just got off of work.

I see.

Jonas Tevrin sent me.

Jonas?

Do you want to look me over here,
or do you want me to sit down?

Well, of course.

Come in.

Miss Downing.

I'm afraid there's been some sort of mistake.

Didn't Jonas call you?

No.

Isn't that just like a musician?

He was supposed to call you and let you know I was coming.

I work at the Blueberry Lanes.

The Blueberry Lanes?

It's a bowling alley.

I work as a c*ck waitress there.

Oh, before you say anything, and before you think
I'm some kind of a weirdo, I have been married before.

Ralph and me was too young.

You know what I mean?

What does a kid 16 years old know about marriage?

Well, here I am, a little bit older and a little bit wiser.

I don't think my cargo has shifted too much, do you?

Cargo?

My shape.

Oh, well, no, no.

Listen, I'm 34 years old.

I'm not going to kid you about that.

You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?

No, I'm afraid I don't really yet.

Aren't you the one who wants to get married
and take the wife to Norway or something?

No, that's my cousin.

And it's Scotland.

Well, what difference does it make, right?

Where's your cousin?

He's gone to bed.

He goes to bed quite early.

Sure does.

Well, okay, tell him I'm at the lanes from


I have tables 8, 10, and 11.

On Thursdays, I take over table 3, too, okay?

Miss Dowling, who did you say sent you?

Like I said, Jonas Tevran.

Naturally.

Naturally, you've never heard of him, either.

Boy, this is the most bollocks blind date
I've ever been on.

Well, you know how trumpet players are.

They blow all that racket through their mouth.

Some of it's bound to get back in the brain.

Come and see us sometime.

I cheated.

I just heated it up.

Who was at the door?

Well, Barbara, uh, you just wouldn't believe it.

Katie, a woman came by last night, and she...

Do you know a musician by the name of Jonas Tevrin?

No.

Why?

Well, this Jonas Tevrin sent over a young woman.

And Steve talked to her.

I mean, she was all ready to marry Fergus
and move to Scotland.

No.

She came to the house?

I was making coffee, and I'm just sick that I missed
her, because Steve isn't very good at descriptions.

Well... Well, what did she look like?

Well, he said that she was rather
youngish-looking, and that she wore a

waitress's outfit, and he said something
about her cargo not having shifted too badly.

Men always remember the wrong things.

Now, who would tell people about Fergus?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I asked Dodie, and I asked Ernie, and...

I think I've been asking the wrong people.

Hi.

Hi.

Charlie.

Do you know somebody by the name of Jonas Teverin?

Sure.

He plays the trumpet in the lounge down at
the bowling alley.

And did you tell him that Fergus was looking for a wife?

Why not?

Did Jonas send somebody over?

Oh, Charlie, how could you?

Uncle Charley, really, that's going a little too far.

Come on, hold it, hold it, you two.

Old fungus is looking for a wife, ain't he?

But that's not the way to go about it.

Ah, horse feathers.

Look, if the guy wants to get married,
you tell people about it.

It's like sticking out honey for flies.

Uncle Charley, maybe Fergus wants to pick
out his own bride.

A young woman came by here last night,
expecting to be considered as an applicant.

I mean, she went to lots of trouble.

She had hopes, maybe.

And she got nothing for all her pains.

I mean, you just can't treat people like that.

But who talked to her?

Steve did.

Did he turn her down?

Well, it's not a matter of turning her down.

He didn't even know what she was here for.

Then he's dumber than I think he is.

Uncle Charley, I mean, you can't just put
an ad in the paper about a thing like this.

Oh, yes, you can.

Oh, no, you can't, Charley.

I mean, after all, this is Ferguson.

Charley, you didn't.

Well, not in the big papers.

In that little throwaway that we get on Tuesdays.

Charley.

Hello?

A neighborhood news?

Well, this is Mrs. Stephen Douglas.

We take your paper.

I know everyone in the neighborhood takes your paper.

The point is, is that I want to put a stop
to an ad that appears...

No, not next week, this week.

Look, I don't understand your routine
about putting a paper to bed.

What I'm trying to say is... Barbara, forget it.

Here it is.

I'm sorry I bothered you.

Oh, no.

Laird Douglas of Scotland wishes to meet suitable
woman, object, matrimony, which will make her Lady Douglas.

That's a better wording.

Oh, Katie, do you know what this means?

There's going to be armies of women at that door.

Are you the folks looking for a lady to marry a lad?

I don't want you to be upset.

But something terrible has happened.

Is that so?

Charley, who meant well.

I want you to understand that.

He put an ad in the paper about you wanting a bride.

In the newspaper, you say?

Well, it's just a throwaway paper we get on Tuesdays.

Some advertising for the neighborhood.

Barbara, you're, uh, you're delivered a journal for free?

Well, that isn't the point.

Fergus, some of the results from that...
that ad are waiting for you in the living room.

Prospective brides?

Aye.

Well.

Charles did that, eh?

Well, he, he didn't mean any harm.

He's a better man than I thought.

Do you know, see?

He tends a problem, and he seeks to assist.

Well, I'm glad you're taking it that way.

I, uh...

Barbara, I shall need a, uh, pencil and
paper if you, uh, if you have a mind to supply it.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

Are you going to take notes?

I am afraid I didn't have the memory for
the statistics of women.

And,

uh, not only that, I'll be wanting bairns.

Boy bairns.

Mister, I never took a foreign language.

So I don't understand one word you're saying.

It is not a foreign language, madam.

Well, I'll be thanking you for your time.

Good evening to you.

You mean that's it?

You want me to go?

Aye.

Aye?

Aye.

You may go.

I don't know what it is you're looking
for, honey, but I'm certainly glad I'm not it.

I'm too old to learn a new language.

Good evening.

Are they gone, Fergus?

Aye.

I know a sheep in the pasture.

Not a sheep?

That is a saying we have.

Oh.

Barbara, where am I going to find myself a
wife to give me bearings?

Fergus, you're a big, strong, handsome man.

Well, that isn't really important.

What is, is...

I'm going to be corny, okay?

Corny?

Uh-huh.

I didn't understand the meaning of the word.

Oh, you'll see.

Fergus, finding a wife to give you
bearings is the wrong approach.

You have to find...

This is the corny part.

It's a woman you love.

Love?

Love.

I mean, you never have once mentioned that word.

Well, you cannot love someone you have not met.

Well, that's true.

But you have to start thinking
differently and stop thinking

about bloodlines and statistics
and start looking at the woman.

Well, uh, when Steve comes home, tell
him I'm upstairs working on a dress for Dodie.

Aye.

Oh, hi, it's you again.

It's a groovy suit.

I'll tell you why I came and then I'll be on my way.

I'm interested in your cousin, sure.

I'd like to be Lady Douglas and I'd like
to go to Scotland, but I got the feeling

last night you thought I was some sort of a creep.

Just because a trumpet player tells me
that some guy's in the market for a wife,

I don't usually just go and jump in his lap.

I figured we'd meet and look each other over
and if it worked out, well, I'd still like to meet him.

That's why I got into this dress.

Well, I just don't want you folks to think
that Terry Dowling is some sort of a...

Creep?

Whatever that may be.

Miss Dowling, I didn't reckon you were here last night.

Had I known, I would have... Wait a minute.

You're the cousin.

Stephen's cousin, aye.

Oh, you could be twins.

I didn't see the resemblance.

He has a very weak chin.

Miss Dowling, would you know care for a cup of tea?

Tea?

Aye.

Sure, why not?

Yes, Janet.

Oh, fine.

Send him in.

Ah, Stephen, I seek your advice.

Well, Fergus, I hope I can come up with some answers.

You Ken the matter of the news?

Uh, yes, Fergus.

Uh, Barbara said not too much came of it.

Uh, not.

But later in the evening, I encountered a young woman.

She says she knows you.

Oh?

She gives her name as Terry Dowling.

Terry, uh, oh, yes, she's the, uh, girl
who was sent over by the trumpet player.

Aye.

Well, uh, Fergus, uh, not that I have anything
against trumpet players, but, uh, that's...

Not really the way to meet a girl, do you think?

Well, I have not given it much thought.

Are you telling me you're interested in her?

Aye.

When she left, it, uh, it came over me.

What came over you?

That I, uh, wanted to see her again.

Uh, do you find that strange in a man of my age?

Well, no, no, not at all, Fergus, but,
uh... I find her to be pleasant to look upon.

I find her not beyond the age of having barons.

And I find her to be of cheerful countenance.

And, uh, one other thing of major import, Stephen.

Uh, what's that, Fergus?

Her, uh, cargo has no ship.

I hear that Fergus turned down every one
of them dames that I sent over from the ad.

Yes, he did, Charley.

Well, who does he think he is?

He thinks he's the one who's going to do the marrying.

That ad cost me 12 cents a word.

I know.

And Fergus was very touched that you went
to so much trouble to help him out.

Help him out, my aunt's bustle.

I'd do anything to get rid of that scotch
nut in this house.

Oh, Charley.

Hiya, Steve.

Hiya, Charley.

Hi, honey.

Steve, he's leaving.

Fergus?

He must have heard what we were talking
about in the hallway.

I can't make him listen to reason.

Well, what did you say in the hallway?

I told Barbara I'd do anything to get rid of him.

And that's why I put the ad in the paper.

By the tone of your voice, I guess you still mean it, huh?

You ain't just whistling Dixie.

Well, I guess that's it, honey.

Fergus is just very hurt.

But he's a grown man.

He can't very well pamper him.

Anything to eat in the kitchen?

Hey, Steve, you trying to put me in wrong?

You know, walking out of me ain't gonna do it.

If the guy wants to leave, Steve,
that's great with Charley O'Casey.

Are you going away, Uncle Fergus?

Aye, uh, Uncle Fergus, hmm?

Yeah, it's better than Mr. Douglas, okay?

Okay, Lassie.

I used to didn't like you, but now I like you.

So why don't you stay?

I, uh, cannot stay.

Do you want to marry me, Uncle Fergus?

Marry you?

Yeah.

Mommy says you want a wife to take to Scotland, but
right now I'm not allowed to go past Buchanan Street.

Dodie, uh, you'd better run along now.

There's a good way, Lassie.

You heard him, honey.

Get going.

Okay.

See you, guys.

See you, guys.

Look, if you think that I came up here to
apologize, why, just forget it.

An Irish apology is writ upon the wind.

Oh, sure, big deal, writ upon the wind.

I'm saying this.

If you're too chicken to stay here,
then go ahead and get lost.

Chicken?

Cowardly.

Now, I don't like you, we all know that.

But them folks down there, they do.

And?

So if you're too chicken to stay in a
house, with a guy that can't stand you,

and that's me, then take your yellow streak and get out.

Have you had your say?

I've had my say.

Then I'll have mine.

I detest your very bones, O'Casey, do you Ken that?

Right.

And the Irish swagger of you is worse than the sway of a
jackass staggering down a rutted road, do you Ken that?

I Ken the whole bit.

You also Ken the fact where both Gaelic
would twirl my grandfather in his crypt.

Old swirling Fergus doesn't buy it.

It doesn't bother me at all.

And knowing all that could still have me
in the same house with you.

Sure.

But let's get one thing straight.

If I ever catch you wearing a skirt, you're in big trouble.

Psychologically, it was a bad move, Dad.

They should have a third party present.

Somebody with an open mind.

How long have they been up there?

Not long.

Boy, it's neat.

What's neat, Dodie?

First, Uncle Charley says rotten junk to Uncle Fergus.

Then Uncle Fergus says rotten junk to Uncle Charley.

It's better than listening to the teacher
balling out kids in class.

Well, beside the point that you're not
supposed to be listening at all,

what are they saying?

Well, first Uncle Charley said he was
chicken and had a yellow steak.

Streak.

Yeah.

Then Uncle Charley had terrible bones and walked funny.

Are you sure, Dodie?

Yeah, I think so.

Fergus says keen a lot of junk.

Honey, maybe you better interfere.

Well, I guess I'm going to have to.

I just thought these two grown men... I'll
take you down to the blueberry lanes, all right?

But if you get out of line with Terry just
once, you'll get a thick ear.

You know, Trent?

I mean, Charles, I'm afraid you didn't
have the physical muscle to make good.

All right.

I'm taking this scotch highball down to the lanes.

Stephen, very soon you must instruct me in
driving a motor car.

I'm at the mercy of this elderly Irish
leprechaun, the wild.

How can a grown man live as long as you
have without learning to drive?

I'll see you later.

How come they all yell at each other, Daddy?

Well, Dodie, I guess sometimes it's easier
than shaking hands.