05x05 - Remy Regatta/Green Journalism

[bunniefuu]

End of the line, Lenny Lockpick!

Your gentleman thief days are over!

Ha! You bumbling bobbies
will never take me alive!

Ta-ta, Constable!

Lenny evades justice once more.
Also, I'm stealing this horse!

Lenny... I'll see you behind bars yet!

- Tilly! Supper's on the table!
- Okay.

Come along, Saxon.

Time to gather around the table
with my kin and exchange tales of the day.

[imitates voice] I'd wager their stories
won't be as riveting as my daring escape.

Now, now.
Dinner conversation is not a contest.

It's about sharing.

Catching up is a precious part
of what keeps our family close.

So, how was your day, Papa?

Hold that thought, sweetie. I'm just gonna
put up one more tomato trellis.

Grandma, what's new in the life
of the Green matriarch?

Is this a city? I got a ticket
for jaywalking, and I ain't payin'!

Oh, that's what you think, huh?

No, I won't hold! The only thing
Alice Green holds is grudges!

Brother, come regale us
with a story of your...

Sorry, can't talk.

A roach is fighting a stink bug on the
porch, and I've got to see who wins.

- [indistinct chatter]
- Don't you do it!

Green family, halt!

[record scratches]

That was our table conversation?
We shared nothing!

Come to think of it,
the last few dinners have been like this.

- What's going on?
- Well, life's just been busy lately.

Really busy.

Sorry, sweetie.
No, I ain't talking to you!

- [indistinct chatter]
- Okay, back to the table.

This is a problem.
We're barely aware of each other's lives.

More like strangers than family.

I must right this unacceptable wrong.

[imitates voice] But how?
Your family is scattered to the winds,

too preoccupied
to even share at the table.

Om nom nom nom nom.

[in normal voice] You're right.
To keep us all up to date,

I'd need some sort
of information-spreading device.

One that covers current events,
like a paper that carries news,

but nothing like that exists.

Oh, wait.

[whistling] Extra! Extra!

Tilly, why are you yelling?
Also, what's this?

It's The Tilly Times.
Wrote with Papa's computer.

It's a publication devoted entirely
to the Green household.

[Alice] Hmm. Farmer installs trellises.

[Cricket] Elderly woman
gets ticket dismissed.

Local boy witnesses bug fight.
Would you look at that?

My picture's in the paper.
Yee, I'm famous!

Says here Alice Green made
four grown men cry over the phone.

[laughs]

Ah, knowing how to read finally pays off.

Our own little newspaper. How cute!

What gave you this idea, sweetie?

The mission of The Tilly Times
is to keep the Greens informed

on Green affairs in order
to inspire lively discussion.

[all] Hmmm.

- Well, back to work.
- [indistinct chatter]

What was that?

Mmm, maybe these articles are too trivial.

We need more intimate stories
to help the family reconnect

and know each other on a new level.

[rooster crows]

Extra! Hot off the presses!

Ooh, it's another one
of Tilly's little papers.

[snickering]

Need a tissue, boy?

What's this now? A local boy cries
while watching Gabmore Girls?

- What? That's not true.
- [laughs]

I never... Wait, wait, wait.

You're making fun of me
when you're in your room doing this?

Elderly woman baby talks tchotchkes.

- [growls]
- Tchotchkes. Oh, hey, softies.

What are you smirking at? Page three.

Udder chaos.
Farmer drinks milk straight from cow.

[all] Where's Tilly?

There's Tilly.

[clucking]

Family, wonderful to see you all together.

Welcome to the press.

- [chickens cluck]
- What's with all the chickens?

They're my reporting staff.

[reading gibberish]

Take another pass, Christine. They're
the eyes and ears of The Tilly Times.

Always in search of a scoop.
Are you all here for the next issue?

It's just about to go to print.

[Alice] The tooth comes out?
Fogey freshens falsies in laundry?

- Fogey!
- [laughs]

Here's the problem, Tilly.
Your stories are making us look bad.

[all] Yeah!

Oh, did I report something untrue
that I need to retract?

Well, no.

But can't you just,
like, make us look good?

I'm afraid that's out of my hands.

We at The Tilly Times strictly
report the truth.

I don't determine what goes in the paper.
You do.

Ah, we do. Hmmm.

I just want to set the record straight.

There's a lot of misconceptions floating
around about me.

Folks need to know that I'm a nice,
not-Gabmore Girls-watching guy.

Well, hello there, Tilly.
Fancy meeting you here.

You told me to meet you here.

I'm just taking out the trash,
even though it's not my day to do so.

Grandmas are selfless like that. [laughs]

Now get my good side, sweetie.

Uh, Papa? Are you all right?

Okay, Bill. She can't write anything
if you don't do anything.

So don't move a muscle!

I don't like the Gabmore Girls, okay?

The only shows I watch
are Croblin's, Galaxu,

and the Mushy Hug Hug Baby Hour.

Isn't that the last one for toddlers?

Wait, no, don't record that!
It's got truths for grown-ups too!

Stop!

Gabmore fan watches
Mushy Hug Hug Baby Hour.

- [smoke alarm beeping]
- Is something burning?

My meatloaf!

[Tilly] Meat left,
forgetful father leaves family famished.

- [grunts] Dang camera.
- Get out of my shot.

- [cat scowls]
- Scoot, you little carpet stain.

[Tilly] Litter trouble in Big City.

[Cricket] Livid lady pollutes lane.

Man, we try to control the narrative
and we still look bad.

I mean, I'm not as bad as y'all.
[laughs] But still.

Look, Tilly keeps writing these stories
because we keep reading them.

We just have to ignore
Tilly's paper altogether.

Right, but what if the stories
about you two goobs are really funny?

No exceptions.

If we want to end the embarrassing
headlines, we all have to stand firm.

New Tilly Times!
Who wants one? Papa? Cricket? Grandma?

Don't you want to learn
about your fellow Green?

This issue's a real page-turner.

- No thanks.
- Pass.

Oh, I see.

- Look, Cricket, it's your girlfriend.
- Hmmm.

This is horrible. Readership is down 300%.

The paper can't bring the family together.

If they don't read it.

[imitates voice] Then we need
to write an issue they can't resist.

Why, yes, assistant editor.
I do believe you're right.

It's time to deploy
my undercover reporters.

[all clucking]

Dear diary, today has been wild.

[snoring]

Hmmm. [snickers]

Oh, that's good.

Why ain't you drinking milk tonight?

I don't know.
Maybe go ask your tchotchkes.

- [laughing]
- Laugh it up, dog-kisser!

- Hot off the presses
- Now!

Here in my hands, I hold
the ultimate issue of The Tilly Times.

Painted gold, for effect.

Within this paper
is each Green's most tightly held secret.

Haven't you ever wondered what Cricket
does behind the old garage?

Or what's inside Grandma's hidden safe?

Or what Papa's diary contains.

What? Tilly, that's going too far.

Oh, there's no too far if it brings us
together. Who wants to read it?

[Cricket] Sure would like
to know what's in Dad's diary.

[Bob] I didn't even know Ma had a safe.

[Alice] What on earth is that boy
doing behind my garage?

[all growling]

Wait! Don't fight over it.

- Stop!
- [grunts]

[all grunting, thudding]

I have to put a stop to this madness.

- Secrets.
- [camera shutter clicks]

[all groaning]

- I'm seeing spots.
- I've been flashbanged.

- [all groaning]
- [sighs]

Why'd you do that?
I thought you wanted us to read it.

- Not anymore.
- [gulps, burps]

You can go now, Melissa.

I founded this paper to keep us close,
but I'd rather be distant than fighting.

I'm hereby canceling The Tilly Times.

Feel free to return
to your separate existences.

[reverse indicator beeping]

[all] Phew.

Thank goodness. We don't gotta worry
about that paper no more.

You said it. Talk about a headache.

Well, I mean, it wasn't all bad.
Some of her stories were okay.

Yeah. I did like that story
about Grandma's parking ticket.

Did you really threaten
to burn down City Hall?

Got that right.

I also kind of liked that article
about Bill's tomatoes.

I didn't know you were planting those.

Oh, yeah. Great season so far.

And, Cricket, I read
that Gabmore Girls expose,

and just so you know,
I love that show, too.

- [gasps] Really?
- Mm-hmm.

I guess I forgot I kind of like you guys.

Been a while since we caught up like this.

[gasps]

This is what Tilly was trying to show us.

She wanted us to talk no matter what.
And dang it, she's right.

- Agreed.
- Sure.

Hey, you know, us coming
to this realization is pretty big news.

- [sighs]
- [Cricket] Extra, extra.

Hmm?

Greens rekindle bond.
Vow to talk at dinner again?

What do you think, Till?

- I mean, the headline is way too long.
- Told you.

Shut it.

But it's the best story I've ever read.

Well, it's all thanks
to you and your paper, sweet baby.

Huh? Fowl play.
Girl reeks after cooping up with chickens?

Take the hint.

- Heh. Fair enough.
- [all laughing]

Shower first, then hug.

[clucks]

♪ I got sweat in my eyes ♪

♪ Lost a bet and got bit
by a hundred flies ♪

♪ I fell out a big ol' tree ♪

♪ Hit every branch
and scraped up both my knees ♪

♪ I got chased by dogs
Licked by a frog ♪

♪ Got a rash on my legs
Dropped a dozen eggs ♪

♪ I got splinters in seven of ten ♪

♪ And tomorrow, I'll do it all again ♪