10x03 - Is It Love?

[bunniefuu]

My Three Sons, starring Fred McMurray,
and his Uncle Charley, William Demarest.

Freeways are fine certain times of the day,
but during the rush hour, they're just m*rder.

Yeah, same thing happened to me last week.

Boy, Dad sure is blowing the whole scene with that lady.

What lady?

Teacher?

He's telling her how the freeways are m*rder*d.

Real clever stuff like that.

Mrs. Pignatelli came back from busting her knee.

That's not the point, Ernie.

The thing is, if you like a girl, you don't talk about
how freeways are m*rder*d, advertising, like he does.

How do you know he likes her?

Have you ever heard him talk on the phone
day and night like he does with her?

How could he like her?

She's a teacher.

You know, Ernie, sometimes... Sometimes
it's a real strain waiting for you to grow up.

I wonder if I ought to have a little talk with Dad.

Honey, all I'm saying is that if he keeps
talking about lawn fertilizer and plumbing

with her when he takes her out,
he's not going to get the first base.

As a clinical thought, what is first base?

You know, I've never seen him so interested in a woman.

You're not answering my question.

What is first base?

Oh, I don't know.

You know, uh, holding hands and a goodnight kiss.

Why ask such a weird question?

Just protecting myself in case we have a daughter.

Oh.

Well, number one, I'm sure that Dad likes Barbara Harper.

Number two, he's taken her out a lot of times.

And number three, somebody better talk to him.

You know, Rob, your father is a grown man.

And he's lived a lot longer than you have.

And somewhere along the line, he asked
your mother to marry him.

I don't think he needs any coaching.

Katie, that was years ago.

Have you heard him talk to Mrs. Harper on the phone?

Yes.

They don't worry too much about soil
erosion in that part of the country.

As a matter of fact, 40% of their problem
is lack of rainfall.

If he keeps that up, not only won't he get
to first base, he'll never make it up to bat.

All I'm saying is quit talking about how
they drive on the left side in England and

start saying stuff like, like,
uh, she's got swell lips or something.

Swell lips?

I think Barbara's pretty good looking.

Well, so do I, Charley, but... Then tell her so.

Tell her how you've never seen eyes like
hers before and that you're nearly

blackout every time you think about her shoulders.

I'll, uh, see you later, Charley.

No, now, wait a minute, Steve.

Look, I've sailed from Vancouver to Macau
and I've never heard of a guy winning a girl's heart.

I've never heard a girl by saying, we got
three-quarter-inch pipe in our bathroom.

It's impossible.

Dad?

Yes, Chip.

Are you going out with Mrs. Harper?

Oh, yes, I am.

Oh, uh, well, a couple of times, I...

Well, I couldn't help over here and you
talked to her on the phone.

Well, that's all right, Chip.

We have no secrets.

Oh, I know that.

I mean, where are you going tonight?

Well, we thought we'd go to that little restaurant we like.

Well, what did you want, Chip?

I didn't want anything.

What I mean is...

If you like somebody, you ought to tell them
something, you know, personal once in a while.

What I mean is, you've been telling her
about those dead spots in the lawn.

Now you have to fertilize them with bone meal.

She was having the same trouble with her lawn.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Have a good time, Dad.

Thank you.

Did you tell him?

I tried to.

He just looked at me.

I guess it's easier to ask parents stuff
than to tell them anything.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, hi, Rob.

You going out?

Yeah, we're just going out to dinner.

Well, what brings you over our way?

Oh, well, we ate early, so it was either
take a walk or go to sleep on the couch.

Dinner, huh?

Yeah, dinner.

With Barbara?

With Barbara.

Dad, uh, I know this is none of my
business, but, uh, you like her, don't you?

Yes, I, uh, I like her.

Well, what I'm trying to say is, uh, when a man...

Let me put it another way.

Dad, uh, I guess what I'm really trying to say is that, uh,

well, maybe now is the time to
stop talking about soil erosion.

Uh, are you hacked at me for saying all this?

No, no, no, of course not, Rob.

You want me to tell her she has swell lips?

I thought that...

Swell lips?

That's one of Charlie's suggestions.

Have a good time, Dad.

Thanks, Rob.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

You've been talking to him, too, huh?

You, too, I hear.

Yeah, and so has Chip.

You know, he just sort of looks at you and
lets you fonder on the rocks.

I'm not so sure, Uncle Charley.

If I know Dad, he's doing a lot of thinking about now.

Steve, you wouldn't believe the difference in attitude
the minute the children knew that I was in on the trick.

Mr. Dudley, senora.

Hello, Ella.

It's so nice to see you again.

You want the same booth?

Oh, that'll be fine.

Thanks.

Thanks.

I'll have to try to remember some of the
tricks the boys played on their teachers.

It might put you a little ahead of the game.

I'll hold you to that.

I bring a menu.

Oh, thank you.

Well, how was your day?

Oh, it was fine.

Oh, see, I ran into that fellow that just
had his car painted.

And he said it'd be a good idea if you
could get it in the night before.

You, um, you like the fortune I tell you the other night?

Oh, yes.

It was, uh... It was fine, Mama.

Now, let's see.

You remember the love cards say a trip and a ring?

The cards never lie.

What were you saying?

About what?

About, uh, um...

About having my car painted.

Oh.

Well, I, uh... I was saying that, uh...

This fellow said you should get the car
into the shop the night before.

And that way... Maybe some
early bird wouldn't beat you out.

It's a good idea.

I mean, uh...

If I decide to have it painted.

Of course, uh... Maybe one of those
$12 whack shops would be all you'd need.

Hmm, maybe.

I mean...

All you see is the hood when you're driving.

Yeah, that's right.

Does it replace something romantic?

Honey, I think I'm gonna run over to the house.

What for?

Well, we have some pie left.

I thought the boys might want some.

Hmm.

And besides, you can find out a little more about the
romance of the century if you go over there and hang around.

No, really.

It's a shame to see that pie go to waste.

You know, I don't know.

Well, he told me not to butt in, and look at you.

Well, I didn't say not to butt in.

I told you not to give him advice.

Well, the logic of that completely escapes me.

I'll be gone wrong.

Hey.

You forgot the pie.

Hi, Uncle Charley.

Oh, hi.

I'm going to k*ll the next kid.

The kid that puts half-eaten ice cream cones in the icebox.

Did you ever clean out a swamp?

All the time.

How's everything over here?

Oh, the usual bumps and bruises.

How's Dad?

Why don't you ask him?

He's here?

On a Friday night?

He's in the living room, pretending to read a book.

Well, I have something here that will make
him very happy he stayed home tonight.

Hi.

Oh, hi, Kate.

I brought you some pies.

Oh, wonderful.

Apple, huh?

Mm-hmm.

How are Robin and the boys?

Okay.

Little Charlie bumped his head on the
corner of the playpen.

But they were all three crying at the time, and we
couldn't tell which one was hurt until the lump showed up.

Well, he's all right now, huh?

He's fine.

How's the pie?

Well, I haven't tasted it yet.

It looks great.

I made it myself.

Well, anyway, I thought it out.

How's Barbara?

Well, she's, uh, she's fine, I suppose.

Oh, don't tell me you two had a spat.

Oh, no, nothing like that.

Just that, uh...

Dad, I know I shouldn't say this,

but it's Friday night, and you're just sitting here.

I'm sorry.

Kate, uh, are you suggesting that I get married?

What?

I only know you're very fond of her.

And when she looks at you...

Anyway, what's so wrong with marriage?

I recommend it highly.

Well, it's a big step for me, Kate.

I mean, there's Charley and the boys to think of.

Until last night, I, uh...

I guess the subject was sort of buried in our subconscious.

Well, maybe now's the time to think about it openly.

Well, Katie, uh, I must say that, uh...
when you thaw out a pie, you do a good job.

It's, uh, very tasty.

Okay, Dad.

I'll drop it.

But don't be surprised if I bring it up again tomorrow.

Pretty soon, young lady, you're going to have to stop
wearing pajamas and get into pretty frilly nightgowns.

Susan has to wear nightgowns, too,
and her bottom gets cold.

Hello.

Hello.

No, this is 7063.

Not at all.

Say goodnight, Dodie.

Goodnight.

Mommy, are you going anywhere tonight?

No, I guess not.

Hey, Neat, you can tell Myrtle and me a story.

All right.

Why don't you let Myrtle sleep by herself once in a while?

She looks kind of dead off my arm.

Oh.

All right.

Goodnight, Punkin'.

I'll be in soon.

Goodnight, Mommy.

Mommy's going to tell us a story.

She says, Neat.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Barbara.

You can't expect a man to call every night.

Oh, I don't.

Well, then why do you sh**t into the room
every time the phone rings?

I don't sh**t into the room.

Let's change the subject.

Let's change the subject, shall we?

What did you do, have a fight?

No, it's nothing like that.

It's just that...

Did I tell you that I'm teaching at the
Buchanan Street Elementary School on Monday?

Only three times.

Why don't you call him?

Mother, I... I've lived a long
time without Stephen Douglas.

You have some kind of a fixation on the subject.

Hello?

No, you're misdialing.

You're very welcome.

I was wrong, dear.

You don't sh**t into the room.

You catapult.

Goodbye for now.

Where are you going?

Well, I thought I'd... I thought I'd go over to
the house and use Uncle Charley's machine.

What's wrong with the machine here at the apartment house?

Oh, well, half the time you have to wait for
other people, and I keep running out of quarters.

Look, honey, I butted in, and then you butted
in, and neither one of us accomplished a thing.

No, really.

Katie, I know that sneaky look of yours.

Look, let's leave Dad alone.

To quote a woman I know, he's a grown man,
and he doesn't need anybody to coach him.

Oh, Rob.

Rob, somebody has to butt in and save that relationship.

Well, maybe, but not us.

Why don't you pick up the phone and call him?

My generation doesn't call up men.

I had a mother who made a strong point of it.

Yes, but the old fool has changed her mind.

Wouldn't you think they'd give you a little
more material to let out a hem more than once?

Mm-hmm.

I'll ask.

The.

Market with you?

Honey.

Teacher's daughter should not say me and Myrtle.

Oh, well.

We might as well do the shopping now.

Come on.

We won't be long.

Oh, take your time, dear.

I have a program I want to see.

Okay.

Come on, love.

Hey, Steve, why don't you go down to the
driving range and knock out a couple of

buckets of ba*ls so I can get my work done around here?

Oh, it's a little too crowded on Saturday, Charlie.

It was too crowded around here, too.

Hello.

Yes, this is Steve Douglas.

Well, this is Barbara Harper's mother, Mr. Douglas.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Vinson.

Barbara isn't here, and I just wondered if
she might be over at your place.

Well, no, she's not here.

I'm a little worried about her.

Worried?

Well, has she been gone long?

Come to think of it, no.

Oh, I'm sure she must be at the market or something.

Well, didn't she say where she was going?

Oh, you must forgive an old woman for making
a big problem out of a little one, Mr. Douglas.

Now that I think of it, it's just that I feel so helpless
here without a car in case she doesn't get back.

Oh.

Well, I'll tell you, Mrs. Vincent, don't you worry.

I'll come right over.

Yes.

Dodie!

Well, that's Steve's car.

Come on.

Sweetheart, open the door.

Oh.

Here, let me do it.

Careful, you're going to squish Merkle.

Oh, my.

I don't want to do that.

Here we go.

Steve!

Hello, Barbara.

What are you doing here?

Well, your mother wasn't sure where you
were, so I came on over.

Here, let me take that.

She wasn't sure.

Dodie?

Dodie, I'd like you to meet Mr. Douglas.

Steve, this is my daughter, Dodie.

Well, hello, Dodie.

Hello, mister.

This is Myrtle.

Well, I'm very happy to meet you, Myrtle.

I, uh, I'll, uh, just take these groceries.

Thank you.

Dodie, come along with me.

Did, uh, did Mother call you?

Yes, and she sounded a little worried.

So I came over.

Well, I hope she didn't take you away from
anything important.

Oh, no, no.

I was just having a cup of coffee with Charley.

Steve, my mother knew where I was all the time.

She was just interfering.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Thank you for coming over.

Barbara.

I baked this cake this morning, Mr. Douglas.

I thought you and the boys might enjoy it.

Well, that's very nice of you.

Thank you, Mrs. Bates.

Uh, Barbara, Dodie is playing next door,
and I'm going to take a nap.

Why don't you and Mr. Douglas go for a little ride?

It's so nice out.

Mother.

Only to his house to drop off the cake, dear.

I understand you have three boys, Mr. Douglas.

Yes, that's right.

Barbara loves boys.

Well, shall we?

Steve, I can't imagine what you think.

I think we ought to take a nap.

I think we ought to take the cake home and
feed it to the boys.

Hey, come on.

What is this, elephant time?

Hey, there's Dan.

He's with a lady.

Hey, that's Mrs. Harper.

Mrs. Harper.

Come on, you guys.

Get lost.

How come?

Because there's going to be a lot of introductions,
and with you guys hanging around, they won't act natural.

And I want to see which way the romance crumbles.

Thank you, Uncle Charlie.

She already knows me.

Okay, now, come on.

Okay, upstairs, upstairs.

Come on.

Up, up, up, up, up.

Well, come in, come in.

Say, I wanted to ask you before.

Did you ever have any lady relatives who
danced in the Orient?

Why not that I know of?

Well, that's funny because you're a dead ringer for a
girl who used to be the head belly dancer at Fat Sam's.

Charley, Barbara's mother baked this cake for us.

Where are the boys?

Oh, they got lost somewhere.

What are you two going to do?

Well, we haven't talked about it.

Oh, well, I'd ask you to stay for dinner,
only I got a large meeting tonight,

and the boys are going to eat out, too.

Well, I didn't expect that.

Stay for dinner?

Well, here's what I think you two ought to do.

Go to the Italian place for dinner,
and then maybe take in a movie,

and then drive down to the beach and watch the waves.

Uh, Charley, why don't you take the cake
out of the kitchen, huh?

Oh, and it's no use going over
to Robbie and Katie's, because

they went fishing somewhere,
and the babies are in Glendale.

It looks like you're stuck with him.

Of course, you know that whole thing was a pack of lies.

I think it is much.

But, you know, I have an idea.

Why don't we, uh, go to the Italian
restaurant, and then, uh, maybe take in a

movie, and after that, uh, drive down to
the beach and watch the waves?

Charley's right.

I'm stuck with you.

I like the smell of a pipe.

Must come in handy.

I mean, if you don't feel like talking,
you just draw on your pipe.

Did you, uh, enjoy the dinner?

I was wondering, uh, what did you decide
to do about the car?

I decided to have it waxed.

Like you said.

Hildy.

What are you doing out of bed at this hour?

Watching Mommy and Mr. Douglas.

Well, how can you see them from there?

Porchlight.

Oh.

Well, uh, I might as well get a little late.

Steve.

Huh?

Oh.

That's my mother.

She's being subtle again.

No, Barbara, I've been thinking.

Yes?

Well, I've been wrong.

About what?

About the price of the wax job.

Now, for a car the size of yours,
I think it's going to come to around 14.

If you don't make a move pretty soon, I will.

You will?

I will.