06x20 - Robbie the College Man

[bunniefuu]

Hey,

what do you think you're doing?

Thank you.

The front walk?

I asked Uncle Charley what I should do
after the living room.

He said just keep on going.

Yeah, but he didn't mean out the front door.

Well, it's about time.

Here.

Here what?

Start on the front windows and work around to the back.

How come?

Operation Cleanup.

A phone call from your dad.

He's coming home tonight instead of Friday.

Hey, great.

Yeah, sure.

So we got six hours to clean up this place.

We had six weeks.

Dad was away to get it in a mess.

I just remembered.

I can't.

I got this date at four O'clock, Uncle Charley.

All leaves are canceled.

Emergency alert.

But what about Chip?

Why can't he do it?

Chip's a special emergency all by himself.

I sent him down for a haircut.

No kidding.

Do you mean he's finally getting that
bird's nest lopped off?

Uncle Charley said Dad wouldn't be able to
tell which is Chip and which is tr*mp.

Yeah, tr*mp's hair is a good two inches shorter.

And his nose is colder.

I'll make the jokes.

You get with the windows and have Chip
report to me when he comes back.

I don't think I'll be able to recognize Chip.

I already forgot what his ears look like.

Are you next to me?

I'm number ten.

I come after you then.

Boy, yours is sure long.

Must be an inch longer than mine.

And I started two weeks before you.

I guess I eat more vitamins or something.

See that guy in the chair now?

He's vice president of the kingpins.

Kid, wouldn't you prefer to be the
president of the kingpins?

Would you prefer an Ivy League or a crew cut?

Come off it, Sid.

I just want an ordinary haircut.

Let me cut it short.

Back and sides?

Are you kidding?

But you said that you would... I
said I wanted an ordinary haircut.

Leave it the way it is, in the front, back, and sides.

The front, back, and the sides?

So what do I cut?

Who said anything about cutting?

Just shape it and comb the bangs down in front.

Another couple of weeks, and yours will be
longer than his, too.

No such luck.

Look, my Uncle Charley told me to get mine cut
on account of my father's coming home tonight.

He didn't mean cut-cut, did he?

Well, he didn't exactly say, but...
You want to look like Squaresville?

Like you were running for Congress or
working in a bank or something?

Well...

What's the point of all that work,
letting it go, if you're going to cut it off?

Anyway, the kingpins won't take you if you cut it off.

Yeah, I know.

But my Uncle Charley will k*ll me if I just get it shaped.

Hey, you know something, Chip?

You worry too much about what your family thinks.

Well, I gotta live with them.

But you don't go around with them, that's the thing.

You gotta be like the guys you go around with, don't you?

Yeah.

I bet your dad would understand.

He wouldn't want you going around looking
like some kind of an oddball, would he?

No, but... Okay, then.

Number ten.

How about it, kid?

An inch and a half to go around?

Just shape it and comb the bangs down.

I don't want to Bury these in a time capsule.

Someday people will dig it up and wonder
what it was used for.

Uncle Charley?

It's about time you got back.

Your dad will be here in a...

You've got to be kidding me.

What's the matter?

Didn't I give you a buck twenty-five for a haircut?

Well, sure, but... You lose it in the
crap game on the way to the barber shop?

No, I gave it to the barber.

For what?

For shaving.

All the guys wear it like this.

Oh.

You mean it's that way on purpose?

Sure.

There's this club at school called the Kingpins,
and all the big wheels are in it, and they started it.

Yeah?

Well, I know who's going to end it.

Your father.

And you'll be lucky if he doesn't use a lawnmower.

Okay, okay.

And I'm not laying out a dime for curlers, either.

All right, Sheriff.

All right.

Oh, boy.

Boy what?

You don't mean it, do you?

I mean, you got somebody else's head on by mistake, right?

Turn it off, Rob.

All the guys wear their hair like this.

Wait till Dad gets a load of that, boy.

You'll be lucky if he doesn't use the hedge clippers.

Ha, ha.

Hi.

Hi.

I said hi.

I always say to bear.

Thought maybe you didn't hear me or see me or something.

I saw you.

Didn't you notice anything?

Nope.

Why?

Thought maybe you just noticed something about me.

No, I didn't notice anything about you.

Because I'm used to you that way.

But stay out of Dad's sight when he's
holding his power saw.

Dad!

Hey, you guys, it's Dad!

Hi, Dad!

Welcome home!

Oh, hey, you guys!

How are you?

How was your flight, eh?

How are you, Dad?

How are you?

How are you?

Travel boys?

Yeah, you haven't lost any weight, huh?

You look good!

Hey, you fellas look great!

Where's Chip?

I got a nice dinner for you in the kitchen.

Good, I'm ready for a home-cooked meal.

Where's Chip?

Chip who?

What do you mean, Chip?

Who?

Where is he?

Uh, he's upstairs in his room.

Oh, well.

Hi, Dad!

Welcome home, Mr.

Well, Chip, what's new?

Nothing much, except I think I noticed
some whiskers trying to grow on my chin.

You think I could use your razor on Saturdays?

Well, sure, Chip.

Well, thanks, Dad.

Welcome home.

Thanks.

Here comes the lawnmower.

Hedge clippers.

Power sign.

Three hairs on his chin and he wants to use your razor.

And on the opposite side, he wants to use your razor.

And on the opposite end of his noodle,
he's got enough hair to stuff a mattress.

And the amazing thing is that you didn't
say anything about it.

I figured you were in shock.

Well, I admit I was a little stunned,
and that is the understatement of the

year, but, uh, Charlie, I think this is something
Chip's going to have to work out for himself.

It's just a sort of, uh, a rebellion.

Against what, exactly?

I'm not sure.

Okay, so it's a rebellion, so call out the
Marines and get the situation under control.

Uh, Chip just feels he has to follow the crowd.

Now, if I interfere, he's going to reset it.

I don't think it'll be too long before Chip
breaks away from this ridiculous fad all by himself.

He's got a pretty good head on his shoulders.

How can you tell under all that fur?

You know, when I was Chip's age,
there was one point where I wouldn't go

out of the house unless I was wearing the
dirtiest pair of corduroys in town.

That was the big thing with the kids then.

Nobody dared put them in the laundry.

But I finally got enough confidence in myself to
dress the way I wanted to instead of following the game.

Chip will see the light.

How's he going to see the light with all
that hair in his eyeballs?

Better cheese or peanut butter?

Oh, Charlie, I'm going up and read a little while.

I wouldn't worry too much about it.

He says don't worry.

We're the only family on the block that's
got a kid that looks like little Lord Fauntleroy.

And he says don't worry about it.

Oh, you know, sometimes I think you're the
only one in this family I understand.

Now, Steve, here are those Comstock papers.

I'd like you to look them over.

Oh, fine.

Well, you must be glad to be home after your long trip.

I certainly am.

Everything all right at your place?

Yeah, everything's fine.

Your boy's all okay?

Yeah.

Do you mind if I steal a cup of your coffee?

Oh, go right ahead.

As a matter of fact, I'll join you.

Say, Steve, you're a middle boy, Chip.

He's about the same age as my Jeff, isn't he?

Yeah, yeah.

Jeff's 13, isn't he?

Quite an age, isn't it?

Yes, it certainly is.

I suppose Chip is like all the other teenagers.

Well, I mean, a little car-crazy, girl-conscious, you know?

A normal kid.

Well, yeah, I'd say he was.

Oh, say, you know, he's working here at
the plant after school now.

Pretty responsible youngster, if I do say so myself.

Oh, boy, of course, in every way.

Dad?

I know when you need me, Dad.

Oh, boy, in every way except that.

Dave, have you tried to do anything about it?

Have I tried to do anything about it?

Well, naturally.

Well, what?

Well, I did what any father of a kid with
ridiculous hair would do.

Well, what did you do?

I went straight to a psychologist.

Psychologist, huh?

Uh, who did you go to?

Well, our company man right here, Dan Clark.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Steve, you don't mean to tell me you're
having the same trouble with Chip.

Yeah.

m*rder, isn't it?

m*rder.

His mother keeps asking me to lay down the law.

But I don't want my kid to hate me because
I force him to be different from his friends.

That's why I'm consulting Clark.

What did Dr. Clark say to you?

Well, go to him, Steve.

He's a fine man, a truly great psychologist.

Well, what did he tell you to do?

I don't know.

I couldn't understand a word he said.

That's why I want you to go to him.

Well, Dave, I think I'll put it off for a while.

I have a feeling that Chip will work it out himself.

Thank you.

Work it out himself?

When?

How much longer can you put up with a son
that looks like a mushroom?

Charlie, I wore those dirty corduroy pants
for about three months, I think.

Steve, if you don't put your foot down,
no telling what he'll do next.

Maybe start wearing hair ribbons or something.

No, Charlie, I don't think he's going to
go any farther than this.

Stop it.

This isn't far enough.

If you're Robbie's date, he said that...

Chip!

One of the guys put peroxide on it for me.

How about that?

How about that, Charlie?

Okay.

Now we clobber him.

Oh, Charlie.

Why don't we just let him think about it for a while?

But, Steve, if you don't...

Boy, are you ever going to get her from Dad?

So is you.

You hear him coming upstairs?

So he's coming upstairs.

Yeah, well, when he walks slow like that,
he's trying to think of something to say.

See?

What did I tell you?

I told Chip you were coming up to talk to him.

Well, as a matter of fact... Look,
Dad, if you're going to chew me

out and stuff, can't Ernie go and
get a drink of water or something?

I was just going to sleep.

Now, Chip, I didn't come up here to,
as you say, chew you out.

I came up to say goodnight, but...

Well, as long as you brought it up,
let's go into this hair business.

Guy, Dad, I know you don't like it,
but all the guys are doing it.

And if you tell me I can't, well, I'll look rectangular.

Rectangular?

Oh, oh, my goodness.

I wouldn't want you to go around looking rectangular.

It'd be an improvement on the way he looks now.

Really?

I'm asleep.

Well, then you better take your glasses off, huh?

Well, Chip, uh, I realize it's important to
you not to be different from your friends.

I know you don't want to stand out from
the rest of the crowd.

That's it, Dad.

There's this club at school called the Kingpins,
and all the guys who are anybody are in it.

And you have to bleach your hair and wear
it long to even get asked to be a member.

I see.

Well, it's up to you, Chip.

After all, it's your hair.

Well, this guy who bleached me said the
Kingpins will take me into the club for sure.

Well, I just hope these Kingpins are
really worth following, Chip.

If you're sure they are, well, go ahead.

But be sure you're just following and not being
pushed because you're afraid to be different.

Nobody's pushing me.

It's an honor to be a kingpin.

Okay.

Well, I've got to say about it.

Good night, Ann.

Good night, Chip.

Good night, Dad.

Dad?

You find you're doing stuff like Chip.

Are you going to not get mad at me like
you're not getting mad at Chip?

I'll try.

Swell.

I'll remind you when the time comes.

Good night, fellas.

Good night, Dad.

Good night, Dad.

I.

Think Mr. Welch's son, Jeff, resents the
younger brother, Tom, and is expressing

his resentment by adopting his unusual hairstyle.

Maybe your answer, too, Steve.

Since you adopted Ernie, well,
Chip's no longer the youngest.

You mean Chip's letting his hair grow long
and bleaching it because he resents Ernie?

Why doesn't he just do something simple
like punching him in the nose?

Well, the civilized family group doesn't
allow that direct protest, Steve.

But if the resentment is there,
it has to break out in some form,

in this case, hair.

Well, it sounds like a reasonable explanation.

What do you recommend?

Oh, I'd devote some extra attention to the problem, child.

Reassure him of his importance in the family circle.

Concentrate your interest on him.

Direct questions at the dinner table.

I think that's your solution, gentlemen.

I see.

Well, I'll alert the rest of the family.

It's certainly worth a try.

Well, I'm going to do it.

Doctor, I think you've taken care of the
problem for both of us.

Well, I hope so.

Thanks very much.

There's just one more thing I'd like you to bear in mind.

What is that?

I haven't talked to Jeff and Chip, and there's the
ever-present possibility I could be completely wrong.

Well, thanks.

Well, Chip, uh, how did everything go at school today?

Okay.

You gonna try out for baseball next semester, Chip?

I guess.

I got two hits in softball at recess today.

Well, Chip, you ought to be doing well on
the baseball team.

I mean, with that great throwing hair, uh, arm of yours.

Could be.

One of my hits was a double.

There's a lot more soup, Chip.

How about a little extra?

No, thanks, Uncle Charley.

I don't even think I can finish this.

Hey, Chip, I just thought of something.

I can't use that green sweater of mine anymore, because if
you wear green on campus, they throw you in the fountain.

Throw you in the fountain?

Yeah, because green is state's color.

So if you want, I'll give you the sweater.

It's a good one, too.

It cost me 12 bucks.

Thanks.

It was my first hit.

There was a double.

Then the second time I was up...
Ernie, don't hog the conversation.

Give Chip a chance once more.

Yes.

Chip, you can have my green socks, too.

No, thanks, Rob.

I don't need any socks.

Dad, I have to be at John Dunning's house at 7.30
to get our initiation job for tomorrow from the Kingpins.

So could I do my homework now and eat a
sandwich or something when I get back from John's?

Well, yes, I suppose so, Chip.

Excuse me.

Now you can talk to me if you want to.

Oh, well, Ernie, it isn't that we weren't
talking to you, it, uh... Oh, it's okay.

Only when all of a sudden everybody starts
talking to just one guy, trying to give

him sweaters and socks and soup and stuff,
everybody really knows it's on account of his hair.

Can I have some more soup, Uncle Charley?

Help yourself.

You guys all get your initiation assignments last night?

You know what I have to do?

Set back the clock in the school office so
all the bells ring ten minutes late.

I got a crummy job.

Steal a gym teacher's girdle.

What's yours?

Pull green dye in the soap dispenser in
the faculty washroom.

Great.

So when they wash their hands, they'll get green all over.

Hey, and how about if they wash their faces with soap?

Can't you see old X-Squared Williams with a green puss?

Guy, those kingpins are the greatest.

They really get the ideas.

Hey, what'd they get Phil to do?

Hey, what's with the lights?

Somebody must have pulled a switch or something.

What's going on?

Hey, you guys, that's Phil.

No kidding?

He had to put a blinker fuse in the school fuse box.

Hey, let's get out of here.

Jeff, what do you mean, keep calm?

How do you expect me to keep calm when you
were late because you were caught trying

to fly the gym teacher's girdle from the flagpole?

I told you, Dad.

I had to.

Had to?

Now, what do you mean, had to?

Dave, I'd better take these things back later.

No, stick around, Steve.

I mean, I had to.

It was my assignment for getting into the kingpins.

Oh, kingpin you.

What's happening to this generation?

Will you tell me what is happening to this generation?

Gosh, Dad, I don't see anything so bad about it.

You're always talking about the time you
put Limburger cheese in the school band tuba.

Now, look here.

That's an entirely different kind of thing.

An imaginative, harmless prank.

Is it my fault if they didn't give me
imaginative junk to do?

Just because Chip and the others got good things.

Jeff, what good things did Chip get to do?

I don't think I'm supposed to tell.

Never mind thinking.

Tell it.

After school, Chip's supposed to put green dye
in the soap dispensers in the faculty washroom.

So when the teachers wash, they'll get all
gooped up with green.

Well, Dave, I'll see you later.

A fad is one thing, but vandalism is something else.

Now, Steve.

Steve, don't get excited.

Maybe you want to see Dan Clark about the
right way to handle Chip.

I know the right way to handle Chip.

I'm going to bend him over with
one hand, and I'm going to apply

the other hand to the exact
center of the seat of his pants.

Charlie, where's Chip?

Hold it, hold it.

Wet deck.

Is Chip home?

No.

Time to build up his security some more?

I'm not interested in his security.

I just want to know where he is.

Well, he came in and asked me where to buy
green dye for some school project.

I told him Holman's Drugstore said he...

Charley, you call Holman's Drugstore and tell him
not to sell Chip any green dye and have him wait there.

What's the big deal about green dye?

Suppose he...

Oh, no.

If that kid comes home with his hair dyed
green, I'm going to resign from the Sons of Ireland.

I'm going to resign from the Sons of Ireland.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Oh, hi there, Chip.

I just thought I could use a haircut.

Same here.

It's about time I gave my ears some air.

Yeah, looks fine.

You gave him a nice haircut, Joe.

Say, it looks like I'll have a little wait here.

I'd better drop back tomorrow.

Sure, sure, Mr. Douglas.

Chip, I've got the car outside.

Can I give you a lift?

Well, swell.

Anything else you have to do while you're downtown?

No.

I was going to get something at the drugstore,
but I decided I'd rather get a haircut instead.

Oh, fine.

Well, Joe.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

It's my treat.

Now, look, I won't let you do that.

I want you to take that.

And believe me, it's worth ten times that.

All right, sit down.

Well, where's breakfast?

It'll be ready.

It'll be ready.

You always holler five minutes before,
because at this you won't get it till later.

You usually don't.

Where's Ernie?

On YouTube.

All right, now hold this, Sam.

What happened to the pants?

I cut the legs off.

It's funny.

All the guys are doing it in my class.

It's the big thing.

Steve.

Ernie, you're not going to school this
morning in cut-off pants.

Is that clear?

Dad, you said you wouldn't get mad at me
when I do dumb stuff.

I'm lucky you didn't get mad at Chip.

Well, I changed my mind.

I repeat, no cut-off pants, period.

But what about that junk?

How it's okay to follow the crowd?

Only when you're mature like me.

That isn't fair.

Look, Ernie, if Dad yells at you, you can tell everybody.

Then you don't have to worry about doing
all the goofy junk other kids think of.

Yeah.

And from now on, let's discuss it before
we cut off the pants, okay?

Yes, sir.

And believe me, Ernie, being yelled at's a lot
easier than having to make up your own mind.

Well, in that case, suppose I make it easier for everyone.

Eat your oatmeal.

We'll be right back.