05x34 - All the Weddings

[bunniefuu]

Oh, it's taken forever
just to set the date.

Sally's mother's getting in on everything.

Getting in isn't a word.

She's running the whole show.

Well, they always do, Mike.

Your mother's mother did everything but press my suit.

You just have to look at it as,
well, something you'll laugh about later.

I thought all we had to do was pick a date.

But no, we have to see if it's all right with the minister.

And maybe the caterer won't like it.

And then the guy who owns the reception
hall has to get in on it.

And you better check with me.

I might want to go to the beach that day.

Listen, mate, be happy this ain't the Middle Ages.

In those days, you had to drag in the local astrologer.

If the stars didn't add up, no marriage.

Why, Uncle Charley, how come you don't eat junk like that?

Between show business and the merchant
marine, a guy picks up a lot of handy information.

Did you know that if a guy smokes a cigar in Dutch New
Guinea and then some dame smokes it, they're married?

Well, it saves a lot of wear and tear on the preacher.

Of course, you have to be careful who you smoke with.

Then there's this place in South America
where the groom's got to prove he's brave

by letting the girl's family sew him into
a hammock full of ants.

Hey, neat.

Yeah, the kind that bite.

One ouch out of the groom, and he can't have the girl.

Well, Mike, just remember that there's hardly a
married man alive who hasn't gone through this.

You know, as long as I've got this thing
on, I think I'll go upstairs and practice.

Hello, Mike.

How are you?

Hi, everybody.

How are you?

Oh, my goodness, a musicale.

How nice.

Which reminds me, I must call the organist right away.

Honey, guess what?

What?

We've set the date.

You set the date?

When?

The 19th.

Hey, the 19th?

That's wonderful.

Hey, you guys, you hear that?

We're getting married on the 19th.

Congratulations, Mike.

Hey, wait a minute.

The 19th was yesterday.

Mike, you missed your own wedding.

The 19th's two months from now.

Two months?

Well, Mike, we're going to need every
minute of that two months to get ready.

I'm ready.

Well, I've made a list here of things to
do while I'm staying in town with Sally.

Let's see, we have invitations,
announcements, guest lists, yours and

ours, bids from at least three printers,
decisions about best man and ushers,

how many, bridesmaids, how many,
silver pattern, photographers,

sitting for Sally, bridesmaids,
dresses, caterer, rings, reception,

flowers, champagne, menu for reception,
China pattern, there's just a million things here.

Hey, Mike, my watermelon!

Watermelon, that reminds me, I must call
the caterer right away.

Oh, boy, what a night.

Crazy, mixed-up nightmares all night long.

Well, I don't know.

I think this whole thing is getting to me.

Last night when I woke up, I could have
sworn I heard crickets.

You did.

I have a box of them in my room.

We're studying them for science.

And I suppose anything you study in
science, you got to live with.

Heck no.

Rattlesnakes are next.

Oh, you can't go by dreams, Mike.

I remember when I was in the Air Force,
I had this same dream over and over.

I was flying this plane, except it didn't have any engine.

The only way I could keep it up in the air was by pedaling.

I must have been pretty tough on the leg muscles.

Just a minute, I stopped pedaling and
zoomed into a nosedive.

Boy, that sleep must have worn you out.

Mike?

Oh, hi, Sally.

Oh, I'm Mrs. Morrison.

Hello, Mike.

Hi.

Hello, Ellen.

Hi.

Oh, sit down, sit down, please.

We just popped by on our way downtown.

Will you join us for breakfast?

No, thanks.

We just ate.

Mike, Mom and I are going to look for silver patterns, and
we wanted to be sure a plane design was all right with you.

Well, sure.

Sure?

Please, do sit down.

Of course, plane patterns show scratches
more than fancy ones, you know.

Oh, they do?

Oh, Mike, I wanted to give this to you first
thing so you could study it while we're shopping.

What is it?

It's your worksheet.

It lists everything you have to do and an
absolute deadline for doing it.

I know I can count on you.

Sally, dear, we've really got to be going.

Sorry to have interrupted your breakfast.

Oh, all right, Ellen.

Goodbye.

See you later.

Bye, honey.

Bye.

Groom's wedding list, limit 100, to be completed by Monday.

Ushers, eight.

Names, addresses, phone numbers by Saturday.

Final selection of silver and China
patterns Wednesday afternoon.

Gifts for ushers, flowers.

This thing goes on for a whole page.

Now, just try to relax, Mike.

Don't let the preliminaries get you down.

Yeah, stay in shape for the main event.

Why do things have to be so complicated?

Why not just a nice, simple, quiet wedding?

You think this wedding is complicated?

You should live in some places in Mexico.

You'd have to work for your future mother-in-law
until she gave you okay to marry your daughter.

Miguel, according to my worksheet, you
should be finished gardening in the yard by now.

Well, I'll, uh... I'll do that right after
I finish washing the dinner dishes.

Well, I hope the moon is bright enough for you to weep by.

Tomorrow you must take me to Marketplace,
which reminds me you haven't washed the car for days.

Um, well, I'll do that tomorrow, senora, right
between the, uh, the laundry and the bread baking.

The door.

Oh, yes.

Father, I...

Don't worry, Mother.

Father, we won't be late.

Pedro, it's so good to see you.

Sally, where are you going?

But, senora, she shouldn't go out with other people.

She's engaged to me.

Don't be silly.

You're much too busy to take Sally out.

But, senora, I've been working for you for nearly a year.

I know.

You do have to prove yourself.

I'll be a worn out.

You're a worn out old man.

Yeah.

If I were to allow you to marry Sally,
I'd lose the best cook, houseboy,

and gardener I ever had.

By the looks of this list, I am working
for my mother-in-law.

I mean scrub floors, cook, wash.

Stupid things for a man to do.

You know, like I do around here.

Yeah, but, Charlie, you're a volunteer.

I...

I'm convict labor.

Oh, I don't know, dear.

I don't think I like that hairstyle either.

Perhaps if we swept it back.

Mother, I'm sorry, but I'm just too tired
to experiment anymore.

But, darling, we have to decide on a
hairstyle before we select the wedding veil.

All right, pigtails.

Oh, mother, I'm sorry, but... It's
just that I haven't seen Mike for days.

Except to talk about the wedding.

I know, darling.

But after all, you're going to have a lifetime together.

I know, but everything seems so trivial.

What kind of glassware to pick out?

What kind of initials to put on the linen?

How to wear my hair?

Oh, now, don't complain.

You know, Uncle Charley was telling me
that in Malaya, the bride and groom must

prove they can dress each other's hair before the wedding.

Really?

Uh-huh.

How would you like to have to do each other's hair with
both families standing by watching and making suggestions?

That part is too high, Sally.

It looks too low to me.

Maybe she should part it on the other side.

Doesn't she have too much oil on it?

Or not enough.

Maybe she should use a brush.

Instead of a comb.

Maybe you should use a rinse and start all over again.

I'm exhausted.

Sally, in Malaya, you obviously cannot marry
a man unless you know how to comb his hair.

But we love each other.

But what has that to do with marriage?

Sally, take ten while I try yours.

Here are some of the things that you'll need, dear.

But don't you mess it up, or the marriage is off.

Mike, what are you doing with those scissors?

I'm going to settle this matter once and for all.

The bride and groom are going to have matching crew cuts.

Oh, I know, I know.

Mom, I have a helpful suggestion.

Why don't we try it again in the morning, okay?

Okay.

A good night's sleep usually solves all problems.

Good night, darling.

Good night.

Charlie, I don't think you've met Howard Sears.

Howard's going to be my best man.

Welcome aboard.

What do you got there?

More laundry?

Oh, it's Howard's little girl, Susan.

Oh, I just wanted to make sure we got
enough laundry around here.

Today is Francie's afternoon off, so I'm babysitting.

Howard, here's the name of the guy at the tuxedo shop.

Hey, thanks for the lift.

Okay, I have to get her home for her next feeding, man.

Glad to meet you, Mr. O'Casey.

Same here, son.

Nice to see you.

Oh, boy.

Oh, better call Sally.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, she called while you were out.

Where?

There.

Her mother and the bridesmaids are busy
fighting over what color dresses to wear.

But they agreed yesterday.

Sure, yesterday they agreed they couldn't agree,
and today they're agreeing they have to agree.

Well, at least all the groom and the best
man have to do is run a plain,

ordinary morning coat and trousers.

Sure, you guys got it easy.

In Wales, the best man used to have to
kidnap the bride on her wedding day.

Kidnap?

What for?

So the groom could chase him and get her back.

Well, I said to go out, and I didn't have
time to get a babysitter.

That's okay.

Sure, I can hold her while you drive.

Say, you better get going.

You're supposed to have a head start.

I'm supposed to drive as fast as I can, Mike.

It's traditional with us Welsh people.

That's okay.

Do your best.

And don't worry, you won't get away with it.

Hi, Mike.

Aren't you supposed to be chasing Howard?

I'm out of gas.

Here, you can use my bike.

Thanks, Chip.

Doesn't Mike want to catch us?

Well, we'll wait here a minute or two,
give him a chance to catch up.

Didn't you folks see that no parking sign?

Oh, no, sir, I didn't.

I'm sorry.

Well, move along.

Yes, sir.



Where's your driver's license?

Look, you see, officer, I'm going to be married.

And you're on your way to the church.

Well, yes, but first I have to catch up with
my friend and take the girl away from me.

And then I'm going to marry.

Oh, maybe you saw him.

Uh, they were in a green convertible,
and she was holding a baby.

I saw him.

Nice-looking young couple.

And you're going to try to take her from him?

Yeah.

Well, first I have to catch up with him.

What about the baby?

The baby?

Oh, oh, the baby's his.

Where's your driver's license?

Uh, officer, my driver's license must be in my car.

But look, I can explain.

Explain at headquarters.

Well, what happens if the best man is
faster than the groom?

Then the best man has himself a brand new
bride, whether he wants her or not.

And he used to make his wife pretty short, too.

Look, Sally, someone, well, everyone seems
to have taken our wedding out of our hands.

Honey.

Honey, there still is a way to make it simple.

Elope?

Why not?

All we want is to be married without people hounding us.

I know, but...

Sally, it's between us, you and me.

Now, why should we let them turn it into a
super spectacle with a cast of thousands?

All right.

When?

Tomorrow night.

You and your mother are supposed to come
over and settle the guest list.

After dinner, we'll go for a drive over the state line.

And when we get back, we'll be Mr. and
Mrs. Michael Douglas.

How about that?

Suppose we start all over and this time
list only those people who must be invited.

I thought that's what you did last time.

First, close relatives.

I think we ought to throw out... We ought to
throw out everybody who isn't at least a first cousin.

Well, there goes great-aunt Jennifer again.

Well, she's an exception.

She's so skinny, she only takes up a half a seat.

Listen, if we make one exception, before you
know it, all the second and third cousins will be back in.

Oh, dear, it's so difficult.

Hey, Ernie can sit on that other half seat
with Aunt Jennifer.

Steve, what about the Freemans?

Oh, well, we have to ask the Freemans.

They've known Mike ever since he was a little baby.

Well, we've got to drop somebody.

I don't know who to suggest anymore.

I really don't.

Maybe we could pick him out of a hat.

Ready?

All right.

Thought I'd come out and get a breath of fresh air, too.

Kind of stuffy in there, isn't it?

Maybe it's my pipe.

Dad, how many of those people really care
whether they come to our wedding or not?

Oh, quite a few of them, Mike.

I guess by now you both realize that
weddings aren't just for the bride and groom.

I mean, they help mothers and fathers and
sisters and brothers adjust to a loss.

In all the excitement, it's easy to forget
that a wedding, while it's the beginning

of something for you, it's, well, it's
the end of something for us, you know?

Sally, don't get me wrong.

I'm very happy to be, as they say, gaining a daughter.

Well, back to work.

You know, I think I'll suggest that the
guests come in shifts.

A hundred to a shift.

We can't do it, can we?

Well, we still have 350 people in a hall
that accommodates 200.

So, hold a reception in the armory.

They had a cattle show there last week
and, uh, forget the armory.

Are you sure every other hall's engaged for the 19th?

Yes.

Templeton Hall is larger and that's available on the 18th.

No.

Hey, what about the girls' gym at school?

Well, heck, that's where we have to
graduate from until they build a new auditorium.

Yeah.

Helen, it's for you.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, that's all Mike needs is to tell
everybody he got married in the girls' gym.

Hello?

Yes, this is Mrs. Morrison.

Oh, no.

Well, how could you possibly have made such an error?

Yes.

No, they haven't been printed yet, but...

You're putting me in a very embarrassing
position, Reverend.

Yes, of course I understand, but...

Well, as you say, Reverend.

That's life.

Goodbye, Reverend.

He made a mistake on his calendar.

We have to start planning the whole thing all over again?

Well, like the Reverend says, that's life.

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