05x16 - Divorce, Bryant Park Style

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A Three Sons with Fred MacMurray.

Gee, Mr. Douglas, I'm sorry.

I thought this was Mike's room.

Oh, hi, Howard.

What did you say?

Isn't this Mike's room?

Oh, Mike hasn't had this room for six years, Howard.

You want to talk to Mike?

Yes.

I'll get him for you.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I woke your father.

It's okay, Howard.

Have you been drinking?

I had a quart of buttermilk to settle my stomach.

Mike, can you put me up for the night?

Put you up?

Howard, you ought to go home.

Francie's probably worried sick about you.

No, she's not.

Well, I still think you ought to go home.

My folks thought so, too.

They told me to march right back to Francie.

Well, why don't you do that, Howard?

I did.

That's when we really had a brawl.

Yes, sir.

You been drinking, Mike?

Oh, no, Daddy.

He just had some buttermilk to settle his stomach.

I think our breakup started that first
week she came home from the hospital.

That fighter.

Hey, when was Francie in the hospital?

Oh, to go have her baby.

Oh, that's right.

I forgot about that.

Well, I was trying to be helpful.

I thought I could save Francie a lot of
work if I washed all the diapers.

I not only washed them, I starched them.

Anybody can make a mistake, Howard.

Yeah, well, tonight she threw that up to
me and lots of other things.

Mike, why don't you fellas talk this over
in the morning, huh?

Could I come inside, please?

I don't like telling my troubles to the whole neighborhood.

Yeah.

Yeah, Howard, come on in.

Let him in, Mike.

Okay.

I don't know why I didn't think of it at first.

I don't know why I didn't think of it at first.

It's finished, Mike.

We agreed on one thing.

We've got to get a divorce.

Divorce?

Howard, you can't mean that.

We do.

Howard, when people fight, they say things they don't mean.

Look, Mike, you're a good friend, but it's hopeless.

Now, is it all right if I just flake out here on the couch?

Yeah, sure it is.

I'll go get you some drinks.

No, no, don't bother.

But do you happen to have some buttermilk?

It helps calm me down.

Yeah, I think so.

Come on.

Mr. Douglas, has Mike told you about Francine and me?

Yes, he told me.

I was sorry to hear it.

Steve, this whole silly divorce business
started with your generation.

You know, I was just reading the other day.

The first recorded divorce dates back to
Babylon, and I think the year was 2250 B .C.

And you guys made it popular.

Well, Bub, I'll admit that.

Yeah, your marriage contract is like a phonograph record.

A phonograph record?

Yeah.

On the flip side, you get a divorce.

Well, Francine came up with the idea of
divorce, Mr. O'Casey.

Tell me, uh, have you and Francine thought
about going to a marriage counselor?

I mean, uh, maybe all you two need is a
little, uh, mature advice.

Hey, Howard, that sounds like a great idea.

Well, Francine would never agree to it.

Oh, sure she would.

You could try it.

What have you got to lose?

No, she won't admit she's wrong.

Well, it's worth a try, isn't it?

For Susan's sake?

Yeah, but Francine won't go if I suggest it.

Well, look, don't worry about it.

Sally and I will talk to her.

Oh, good, Mike.

You know, Howard, a marriage counselor is neutral.

He'll just try to make each of you
understand the other's point of view.

I guess you might say he's a sort of two-way psychologist.

Well, if you think you can talk Francine into it, Mike.

Mike, I don't know.

It's not Francie who needs the marriage counselor.

Honey, we're not choosing sides.

We're here to help.

Mike, Sally, come in.

Mother, Dad, you remember Mike Douglas and Sally Morrison?

Hi.

Oh, I remember you.

You were Howard's best friend.

Well, Francie's too, Mr. Marfield.

Well, you tell your friend.

Our lawyer will be getting in touch.

Oh, Daddy, please.

Well, how do you expect us to feel?

To say, oh, well, it happens in the best of families?

Honey, I think we'd better be going.

No, no, no, we were just going.

Francie, why didn't you listen to us four years ago?

You were too young to get married,
too young to have a baby.

Now this.

Oh, right, so I made a mistake.

Excuse me.

Your friend must be very proud of himself.

Oh, please excuse them.

They're just hurt for me.

We understand.

Believe it or not, they actually liked Howard.

Just last week, Dad and Howard were
planning a fishing trip together.

Francie, would you consider a marriage counselor?

No.

Howard would never agree to anything so sensible.

A marriage counselor might show him how
foolishly he's behaving.

Howard has already agreed to it.

He admits he's wrong?

Well, not exactly.

That's why you both need a counselor,
Francie, to show Howard he's wrong.

Oh, that's different.

I'm willing to be reasonable.

If he is.

What are you going to write your English composition on?

The worst around the world.

I looked it up in my encyclopedia,
and boy, is my mom going to be happy.

Why?

Because she paid a fortune for those
books, and this is the first time I ever used them.

That sounds like a clunky subject.

No, it isn't.

And my uncle's going to be just sick when
I tell him how easy it is in some places.

Why?

Well, like China.

There a husband can kick his wife out if
she talks too much.

I think we have that in this country.

It's called mental cruelty.

Maybe.

In lots of places in Africa, all a guy has
to do is give the girl's father a pig,

and he'll take her back.

Hmm.

That sounds fair.

In Greece, if a girl goes to the movies or a ball
game without her husband's permission, she's had it.

Gee.

And in Zanzibar, all a man has to do is
send his wife a letter.

And in Morocco, all he has to say is,
I divorce you three times.

I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you.

And she's gone.

Boy, does the guy always get the best part of the deal?

No.

In the United States, he pays and pays and pays.

Was that in the encyclopedia?

That's a quote from my uncle.

Hey,

why the long face?

Oh, I just can't get Francie off my mind.

Can you imagine Howard being jealous of that little baby?

Jealous?

Yes.

Howard is one of the proudest fathers I know.

Why, Susan's four months old and he's
still passing out cigars.

Well, that doesn't prove anything.

Maybe he bought too many.

Well, if you ask me, I think the whole
thing is in Francie's imagination.

It is not.

She certainly didn't imagine Howard walking out.

The fact remains.

Remains that he...

What was I saying?

You were telling me how silly it would be
for us to fight someone else's fight.

Aren't you glad you're marrying such a sensible girl?

Good night, honey.

Oh, that's okay.

All right.

Well, gentlemen, which of you is Mr. Sears?

I am.

Miss, is my wife in there with Dr. McGuire?

No, Dr. McGuire is out here with you.

Uh, this is my wife.

And this is my friend, Mike Douglas.

How do you do?

You're Miss Morrison's fiancé and friend of the husband's.

Yes.

Mr. Sears, my first session with your wife is almost over.

It'll be just a few minutes.

Okay, we'll wait while she tears me to ribbons.

I sure wish I knew what Francie was telling her.

Relax, Howard.

Relax.

I'm a dead duck with Francie going first.

Don't ladies usually go first?

Sure.

Just like on a sinking ship.

Well, Mother's Day was the first time I
was eligible, so nationally it meant a lot to me.

Howard gave me a beautiful waffle iron.

He loves waffles.

It sounds like a very nice gift.

Well, I thought so, too, until I read the card.

Just signed Howard.

No mention of Susan.

He didn't even send her mother a card on Mother's Day.

I started to cry.

Then what did he do?

Turned purple and went bowling.

He hates Susan.

I know he does.

Mrs. Sears, that'll be all for today.

You mean that's it?

But we didn't decide anything.

Why look in the dictionary?

I can explain about a marriage counselor.

But you know, you're smaller than I am.

I heard my uncle talk to my mother.

You really know what a marriage counselor does?

Sure.

My aunt and uncle went to school.

They didn't like each other when they went in.

And they didn't like each other when they came out, either.

And then, besides not liking each other,
they didn't like the marriage counselor.

What did he do?

Well, you know how when grown-ups fight, the one
of them gets mad and walks away and slams the door?

Yeah.

Well, that's no good on account of nobody wins.

So what is a marriage counselor?

Well, he's sort of like a referee.

Instead of fighting at home, people fight in his office.

And he tells them who wins.

Tell them to your uncle.

He lost.

Let's go and see my girlfriend.

She's about that family problems, too.

Dr. McGuire, are you married?

I wouldn't be much of an advertisement if I weren't.

Yes.

And I have children.

Four boys and two girls.

Between working and six kids, do you still
find time for your husband?

Well, if he's complaining, he's doing it
to another marriage counselor.

You see?

Francie doesn't work.

Only one baby.

But she still doesn't have time for me.

She says you don't discuss your interests with her.

Who has a chance when her only topics of
conversation are how tired she is and Dr.

Spock?

Surely you know how much work a new baby is.

Oh, don't worry.

Francie never lets me forget it.

And a baby's needs are immediate.

Wait a minute.

Is Francie trying to hang this whole deal on Susan?

No, Mr. Sears.

Are you?

Well, how do you explain to a woman?

Why,

if Howard would just admit he's wrong.

Oh, honey, there's fault on both sides.

Oh?

What has poor Francie done that's so terrible?

Well, acting like a woman.

Acting like she's the first woman ever to have a baby.

And just what does that mean?

I'll tell you.

I think it's Francie's fault.

She's not just a mother.

She's supposed to be a wife, too.

Mike, you don't understand.

A baby is only a baby for a short time.

Francie has to enjoy being a mother now.

I'm not arguing that.

But a husband is a husband for a long time.

Forever, supposedly.

Sure.

But the minute Howard Deagle had to play
second fiddle to wet diapers, he walked out.

I didn't say he was perfect.

I said there was fault on both sides.

But other women manage both jobs.

Why can't Francie?

Because she's married to Howard.

And he's as stubborn as you are.

Oh, hi, Mike.

Hi.

I had to fix my sandwich here.

Care to join me in handing a few pounds?

Oh, I don't think so.

What's wrong, Mike?

You read the statistics.

One marriage and six ends in divorce.

Doesn't mean anything until it comes close.

You mean, uh, Francie and Howard?

I thought that, uh, the counseling was going along so well.

No.

Oh, Dr. McGuire tried.

Francie and Howard are pretty stubborn.

It's bad.

Francie's father's hired a lawyer for her.

Howard's mother's hired a lawyer for him.

I hope, uh, all this hasn't affected you and Sally.

I'm afraid it has.

Dad, if two people ever seem ideal for
each other, it was Francie and Howard.

And look at them.

I'm just not sure anymore.

I mean, who knows how Sally and I will
react to marriage problems.

Like taking care of children, for instance.

How did you react when I was born?

Oh, I, uh, I came apart at the seams.

And I wasn't much better with Robbie or Chip.

Did, did we change things for you and Mom?

No.

No, somehow she managed to be a full-time
mother to you boys and, uh, a full-time wife to me.

Oh, I don't know.

The bad thing is that if, if a marriage
doesn't work out, then everybody gets hurt.

And you're wondering if it's, uh, worth taking the chance?

Yeah.

Well, Mike, all I can tell you is that for
your mother and me, it was, uh,

well, I've never stopped being grateful that
she was willing to take the chance with me.

There's no guarantee, no magic formula.

A marriage can only be as good as the two people involved.

Or willing to make it.

Well, I guess I'll hit the sack.

Here, you know, why don't you take part of this sandwich?

I've got enough for four people here.

Well, okay.

Dears,

looks to me like you're safe on community property.

Yeah, Mr. Kramer, all we've got is the motor scooter.

So our main problem will be alimony and child support.

You want to see the child, I suppose?

Well, sure, I'm the father.

Is the patient right?

Mr. Kramer, she couldn't stop him, could she?

Well, not without showing good cause.

Well, let's go in.

They weren't, Your Honor, neither one of
them had a guarantee.

Daddy told you how that happened.

Oh, that's all I ever heard was Dessie and Mommy.

She never did grow up.

Talk about growing up.

He's lazy, Your Honor, just a little boy.

All he wants to do is lay around and go surfing.

My father offered him a perfectly good
job, assistant manager.

But he refused.

You didn't want a husband.

Your father wanted an assistant manager.

And I got a little boy.

Okay, okay, give her the junk, I don't care.

Very well.

The divorce granted.

Come in.

Fine.

She hasn't made a sound since the babysitter left.

She's a real angel.

It's a good thing she doesn't know what's happening.

Yeah.

Is it over?

No.

Their case hasn't even come up yet.

There's so many young couples getting divorced.

If I haven't had anything to eat all day, I'm going to grab
a bite and then go back and give Howard moral support.

I can't believe it's really happening.

Francie and her lawyer facing Howard and his lawyer.

Honey, it couldn't happen to us, could it?

I don't know.

I guess no two people get married thinking it could happen.

Well, it won't happen to us.

We won't let it.

Look, I should know, shouldn't I?

You may think so, but you're wrong.

The whole thing was my fault, period.

It was my fault.

I was the stupid fool.

Okay, you win.

You were the stupid fool.

Hey, what is going on?

What happened?

When the lawyer started to carve up our
separate futures, we looked at each other.

When it came right down to it, we chickened out.

No kidding.

That's great.

Actually, I started getting cold feet when I
saw that other couple's free-for-all in court.

Oh, boy.

Baby, from now on, you've got two full-time parents.

Charlie, would you and Mike like to babysit tonight?

We'd love to.

We sure would.

My husband's going to take me out to celebrate.

Yeah, we're really going to celebrate.

Now, look at this.

Look at this.

Have a cigar, pal.

My daughter got her first tooth.

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