05x08 - A Touch of Larceny

[bunniefuu]

All these stamps for a
little dab of groceries like that?

Somebody over at that store must have goofed.

I'll get them in the book fast before old
man Spindler finds out.

Good.

Boy, oh boy, you really lucked out.

Yeah.

Robbie?

If the store makes a mistake, do the stamps belong to us?

Shh, quiet, Chip.

This may be all we need to get that extra transistor.

Half the time he doesn't give me the
stamps I'm entitled to.

But I guess day in and day out it all
comes out even in the wash.

Well, that makes it five books.

Old man Spindler goofed us right into a transistor.

Dad?

Mm-hmm?

What's a touch of Larson?

A touch of Larson?

You mean a touch of larceny?

Yeah.

Well, it's kind of where you steal junk.

Or do things if you think you can get away with them.

The guys say everybody has a touch of it.

Well, Chip, unfortunately, I guess maybe that's true.

Human nature has a lot of weaknesses.

But I've always tried to teach you fellas not
to lie or cheat or steal and to always be honest.

You stick with that, Chip, and you'll end up fine.

Dad, I can't find any white paper and Mrs. Justin
gets sore if we write our reports on anything else.

I'll try to remember to get some, Rob.

Mike says we're out of pencils, too.

I think they eat them.

Okay, I'll try to remember to get some pencils, too.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Yeah, he's right here.

Hang on a second.

Dad has for you.

Oh.

Who is it, Rob?

It's Mr. Walters.

Oh.

Hi, Joe.

No, no, you didn't bother me at all.

I'll get that, too.

Hey, Dad, Mrs. Donaldson is out there.

Oh, well, if you name the danger,
as I say, I'm not doing a thing all week.

Dad would want you to let her in if he could hear you.

Are you falling out of the back of your skull, Chip?

Mrs. Donaldson's the one that keeps
sticking all those girls on, Dad.

Yeah, but he doesn't want you to say he
isn't here when he is.

Dad, shall I let her in?

Oh, sure, sure.

See?

Come on in.

Thank you.

Okay.

All right.

Now, Dad.

Oh.

Well.

Hello, Miss Dodgson.

I won't stay a minute, Mr. Douglas.

But that cousin of mine that I've been
telling you about will be here this week.

A cousin?

Maude Fromminger.

Yeah.

The widow.

Well, you said you'd be glad to meet her
whenever she came to town.

I did.

You did, Dad.

I remember.

Chip, do you know where my pipe is?

Right there.

Oh, no, I mean that other one.

It's on the coffee table.

Would you mind getting it for me?

Well, Mrs. Donaldson, when does Miss Fromminger arrive?

Mrs. Fromminger.

I mean... She'll be staying with me, and since I live just
two doors down, she was Miss Colbert before she married him.

I see.

The Colberts are in furniture.

Thursday.

She arrives Thursday.

Well, Mrs. Donaldson, I'm afraid Thursday
is a pretty bad day for me.

They're having a plant inspection and things.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to be pretty well
tied up for the next, over the next two weeks.

Oh, now, you can't work every minute of every day.

I'll call you the minute she gets here.

Well, uh... Thank you.

Yes, goodbye.

Rob, why didn't you tell me she was out?

I did, Dad.

You told me to let her in.

I didn't even know you asked.

Well, when she shows up with this, uh, maw, we're
going to have to do a little faster thinking, that's all.

Bub, uh, you cheated.

I what?

Well, you took that card from the bottom of the deck.

Sure.

How else do you expect me to win a game of solitaire?

Dad?

Uh-huh.

Here's your pipe.

Oh.

Oh, uh, thank you.

Dad, is it okay if I come in?

All right, Chip, come on in.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure, what is it?

Well, there's this kid at school,
and he gets his lunches free.

And I wonder if it's okay if I do.

Oh, I guess so, Chipper.

Who's giving away free lunches?

Free lunches?

Well, deal me in.

Nobody's giving them away.

You see, this kid gets in line, and when he gets to
the cashier, he pretends he's thinking of something else.

Something else than what?

Well, something else than paying.

If Miss Rasmussen doesn't catch him, well,
he sort of wanders through and doesn't pay.

What if she does catch him?

Well, he says he's sorry.

He must have been thinking of something
else, and then he pays her.

Yeah, that works, but you gotta get behind
some big lard so the cashier won't see him.

Fine.

Chip, uh, you want to know if this is
dishonest, is that it?

Yeah, he says everybody does it.

Do I do things like that?

Does Bub?

Listen, when I was a kid, we had a system worked
out where we lowered a kid through this transom.

Bub, don't you have something to do somewhere else?

No.

Chip, I'm surprised you even need advice
on a thing like this.

I don't.

Only you and Bub got me mixed up.

Yeah, by fibbing and grabbing stamps and
sneaking cars in solitaire.

Well, everybody does that.

Bub, I'm sure I smell something burning
down in the kitchen.

Now, what kind of talk is that?

Who's cooking at this hour of the night?

You are.

If you want to get rid of somebody, say, get lost.

Don't flap your jaws about stuff cooking.

Get lost, will you, please?

Uh, come on over here and sit down a minute, Chip.

You know, there's a very fine line between
foibles and actual dishonesty.

Foibles?

We're not up to foibles yet.

We're only up to boisters and attachment,
and worse like that.

Well, uh, foibles are little human
weaknesses, little human frailties.

Sometimes people do, uh, well,
little things that aren't exactly wrong,

but, uh, I don't suppose they're exactly right
either, but usually they're done for a reason.

Like, uh, well, now with Mrs. Donaldson,
I don't particularly want to meet her,

uh, cousin, but, uh, well, if I'd said,
Mrs. Donaldson, I don't want to meet your

cousin, uh, she would have been hurt, you see?

It would have been very rude, wouldn't it?

I guess.

So instead, I, uh, well, I told her a little white lie.

I told her that I was going to be tied up
for the next couple of weeks, and,

uh, well, it wasn't true exactly, but, uh,
well, I didn't hurt her feelings, you see?

What about Bub and Solitaire?

Well, Chip, when Bub cheats at Solitaire,
he's, uh, he's only fooling himself.

I mean, he's not hurting anybody else.

Well, if you don't hurt anybody, then it's okay to do junk?

Well, no, it doesn't always work out quite that way.

But luckily, Chip, most people have a
little bell that rings that tells them

when they're going to do something really dishonest.

Not a real bell.

Oh, no, no, no.

The first twinge of guilt is the bell.

You'll see.

Thanks, Dad.

You straighten out on this now?

Yeah.

Well, you better get to bed now.

Okay.

Uh, uh, Chip, uh, what are you going to do
about getting those free lunches at school?

I don't know.

I guess I'll try and wait for the bell to ring.

Can't you bring your lunch?

Oh, did you?

Uh-uh.

Did you tell your dad about our one and everything?

Yeah, did you?

Yeah.

He made a long speech.

I'm supposed to wait for a horn to go off my head.

If I get a headache, I'm a crook.

Yeah.

A bell's supposed to ring in my head.

It's not a real one or anything.

Yeah, I know.

Sometimes my dad talks so much, I'm afraid I ask him, Jim.

My dad likes to let me figure out stuff for myself.

Too bad you don't have a mom.

You'll just cry.

You gonna try, Chip?

I don't know.

We ought to.

I think we got in trouble.

She's like, I have my offense.

Chip!

You did it.

Boy, old lady Rasmussen must be in a fog.

We all got past her.

Quit talking and find me a table.

All right.

You hear any bells yet, Chip?

No.

You hear any horns?

Uh-uh.

No more apple pie.

Working's out.

Oh, uh, waiter, could I have a check, please?

Yes, sir.

We won't argue, Steve.

It's your turn to take the income tax.

It was all business.

I never would have found out about Hank's
Caribbean cruise if we hadn't had this lunch meeting.

And how else would I have learned Sophia's measurements?

You're never right.

You wearing any belts yet?

No, but I'm sure getting scared.

Me too.

Can I do it?

I don't know.

I think I can.

I can do something, because I could sure
use that 50 cents that I'll save.

Is that my credit card?

Wait a minute.

We'll just forget the credit card.

That was, uh, yeah.

Hey, what are you doing?

That's cash.

You can't do that.

Well, fellas, we know it really wasn't a
business lunch, don't we?

But you can still write it off.

Steve, the income tax crowd want proof.

Well, we just passed from foibles to, uh, bell ringing.

Steve, would you mind going over that once more lightly?

Well, it's something my, uh, son taught me last night.

Now's our chance.

Uh-uh.

Oh, uh, Marie.

Oh, what a creepy feeling.

The bell didn't ring, but my stomach's hollering.

Me, too.

Miss Rasmussen?

Oh, I'm sorry, boys.

I didn't see you standing here.

Can we pay you?

Hmm, that'll be 50 cents each.

Boy, it sure is a lot of money, but it's gonna taste good.

All that honesty and touch of larceny talk
nearly got me in trouble.

Join the club, Charlotte.

You too?

What happened?

I took those stupid trading stamps back to the
market, and they looked at me like I was boob of the day.

Well, I'm driving 35 in a 20-mile zone,
and I think of all that talk, so I slowed

down to 20 miles an hour, just like the law says.

Wouldn't you know, I caused a traffic jam
that lasted nearly a half an hour.

I'm driving 35 in a 20-mile zone,
and I think of all that talk,

so I slowed down to 20 miles an hour,
just like the law says.

You were putting it back.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I was.

I went to the restaurant, they write their menus
on a blackboard, and I borrowed a piece of chalk.

You were putting it back?

Yes.

I know it sounds silly, officer,
but I was putting it back because...

Well, I won't go into the reasons.

Oh, no, no, go into the reasons.

Well, last night, my youngest son and I were discussing
dishonesty and Patty-bosh-ney and things like that, and...

Well, I told him that...

Just give me the ticket, would you?

Oh, no, no, please, go ahead.

I'm really very interested.

You see, I got a couple of sons of my own,
and this badge doesn't scare them a bit.

Tell me, what did you say to your boy?

Well, I, uh, I told him that every time he did
anything dishonest, a little bell would ring in his head.

A bell?

Yes.

Just give me the ticket, please.

There's my...

You know, I really hate to do this.

Uh, Mr. Douglas, I believe your story.

But I got a captain who would give me the
balloon test if I were to tell him what you just told me.

Put him in the chalk Mark back.

Bub, if you trade at that market again, I'm
not going to eat the stuff you bring home.

Tell that to your stomach.

What did they do to you?

I took back those trading stamps and they laughed at me.

What's so funny?

He took them back, too.

Oh, no wonder.

Honesty jazz can work both ways.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, Dad.

You're home kind of early, aren't you?

Yeah, Chip isn't even home from school yet.

Well, I finished one project this morning
and I don't have to start the next one

until tomorrow, so I'm taking a vacation this afternoon.

Bub, what's up?

Where are you going?

You and your big honest mouth put that
supermarket ahead by one full transistor.

I'm going to get it back.

And you should have heard those people laugh at me.

Yeah, and today, I practically caused a
traffic riot just by obeying the law.

Well, now, look, are you fellas trying to tell me
that you expect to be rewarded by being honest?

Well, no, but it sure would be nice if
people didn't think I had flipped.

Hi, Dad.

Oh, hello, Chip.

Hello, Chip.

Alan, Francis, and Warren got hauled down
to the principal's office today.

Who are Alan, Francis, and Warren?

Those are the guys that have been not paying for
their lunches every day, except Francis and Warren.

They got cut the first time they tried it.

But I'm sure glad we didn't do it,
because we almost did, but we didn't.

Isn't there an operation you can give kids
to slow down their speech?

Miss Rasmussen knew it all the time, Dad.

Only she was giving all the kids a chance to quit it.

Only they didn't.

So today she had Mr. Wamsley watching.

And he caught him.

So now they're going to have to have their
parents come down and get yelled at.

I don't have a bell in my head.

I have a stomach that hollers.

Can we have some cake and milk?

Sure you can.

Come on, Ernst.

Do you mean to tell me you know what they're talking?

Bob, that's just about the most gratifying
speech I've ever heard.

Chip doesn't know it, but he, uh,
he finally heard the bell.

And I did, too.

Okay, now, Chipper, uh, don't look at the
book and tell me what you just read, hmm?

Well, first came the Athenians, and then Pericycles.

Well, I, uh, I think that's pronounced Pericles.

Yeah.

And then the Macedonians creamed everybody.

Yeah, that's right.

Except when you write it in the test,
I wouldn't say they creamed everybody.

I'd just say, uh, well, they conquered the world.

I got it.

Hello?

Uh, yeah.

Okay, hang on a second, and I'll tell them.

Dad.

Dad, that Maude finally arrived.

Mrs. Donaldson wants to bring her right over.

Right now?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, she said they have their hats on and everything.

You want me to think of something like,
uh, you caught your head in the door?

Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You know, Chip, ever since those
knucklehead friends of yours tried to get

free lunches, we've been leading a real
unnatural life around here.

Uh, this is Steve Douglas, Donaldson.

Yes, Robbie just told me.

Yes, you come right over.

Fine.

Boy, I bet she was surprised.

Well, as a matter of fact, she was, Rob.

That, uh, just shows you how unkind we've been to her.

Oh, Bob, Mike, we've got company coming over.

Let's straighten up a little in here, huh?

Rob, help me.

Oh, Bob, uh, take off the apron, will you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Who were you expecting, Prince Rainier?

No, a lady Miss Donaldson has for Dad.

You mean you finally decided to meet her?

Yes, yes, of course I did.

Gee, Dad, isn't this carrying the honesty
business a little far?

You know, Dad, there's no law that says
you have to go out with a Turkey.

I'll get it.

They must have sprinted over.

I don't suppose it's occurred to you fellas that
Mrs. Donaldson's cousin just might be quite attractive.

Good evening, kid.

Oh, Steve, this is Maude.

Maude, this is Mr. Douglas.

I'm sure he'll want you to call him Steve.

Hello.

How do you do, Maude?

Have you met my family?

No, no, of course you haven't.

This is Chip and Mike and Robbie and this is Bub.

This is the boy's grandfather.

His wife is upstairs.

His wife?

We try to keep her away from the world.

Yes, it's too bad that...

That's a bad joke.

Bub is just making a joke.

He was in vaudeville the other day.

Well, won't you... Are you ready?

Ready for what, Miss Thomas?

Well, I was sure that you'd want to take Maude to some cozy
little restaurant where you could get really acquainted.

Oh, well, you didn't mention that on the phone.

Do you mean tonight?

Of course.

Well, I guess I don't have any other plans.

Do I, Bub?

No.

Shall we go?

Why, yes, yes, of course.

Good night.

Oh, well, this will be just lovely.

I know how much Maude is going to enjoy it.

Well, you can't win them all.

Poor Dad's not winning any of them.

Don't you think he's right?

Sure he is, Chip.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to play some solitaire.

And you can get eight to five that I'm going to win.