10x13 - I Drink, Therefore I Am

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling all week long ♪

[organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Okay, okay, let's get started.

This meeting of the Winter Carnival
Decorations Committee is hereby called to order.

Who wants to be recording secretary?

Ow!

You're it.

Darn it, I wanted that job.

Oh, that's always been a dream of mine.

Hi, Fonz.

Hi, Fonz.

Hi, Fonz.

Fonz, are you okay?

Mother Nature fed me a knuckle sandwich.

What's the matter?

Somebody steal your bike?

Fruit of the Loom stop making t-shirts?

My boss.

My barber died.

I said my barber died.

Oh, that's terrible.

I mean, there I was sitting in a chair, you know.

I had this hot, warm towel all around my face.

The smell of menthol in the air.

All of a sudden, the clippers went dead.

And so did Rudy.

I don't know, what do I do now?

I mean, he was the only man that ever cut my hair.

I'd say Bury that sucker.

Have you no respect?

That sucker was a genius.

He could have won the world of surprise for hair.

Now he's up there, giving the big guy a duck tail.

Oh!

Fonz?

My barber's real good.

Oh, yeah?

At what?

So, about those decorations for the winter carnival.

I think that they should be decorative and wintry.

Gosh, you're good.

Jenny, who are those guys that Flip's been
hanging out with?

Well, the really cute blonde one, he's Kelly Barnes.

Oh, I saw him at a party last week, and he
got drunk and threw up all over the front lawn.

What a guy.

Hey, guys, what's going on here?

You are looking at the winter carnival
decorations committee.

Oh, well, that's a big responsibility.

Responsibility?

How do you sleep at night?

Well, you see, I have this little mask and earplugs.

I'll bet you do, Belvin.

Flip, what is wrong with you?

What?

Have you been drinking?

Yeah, I had some beer.

One or two or...

I'm in here in a six-pack.

Are you drunk?

Jenny, have I ever told you how gorgeous you are?

You are drunk.

Hey, Flip, let's go.

There's a zip-out going on here.

We'll have some fun.

Right.

Listen, don't k*ll yourselves with the decorations, okay?

Because no matter what you do,
it's still going to smell like a gym.

Whoa, wait up, Flip.

I don't want to talk to you.

Here.

You've been drinking.

You smell like a brewery.

Right.

This is Milwaukee.

The whole town smells like a brewery.

Flip, I don't want you hanging around with
Kelly and his crowd.

I don't like them.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I don't like your tie.

Flip, come back.

Flip, get back.

Flip.

This happens to be a Don Lowe.

I don't want you hanging around with Kelly and his crowd.

Marion.

Hi.

Oh.

Oh, Howard.

How is everything at the new store?

Oh, terrific, terrific.

The waffle irons are going like hotcakes.

Who are these men?

Oh, dear.

Now, this is Mr. Ed and Mr. Vincent and Mr. Henri.

Nice to meet you, gentlemen.

Oh, nice hair.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Uh, Marion, could I see you for just a second, please?

Oh, excuse us.

What are they doing in our living room, huh?

Well, Arthur is still auditioning barbers
up at his place, and he didn't think it

was fair for the barbers to see their competition,
and, you know, Rudy would have wanted it that way.

He's still carrying on about Rudy, huh?

Do you know that every single day he's
been putting old magazines on Rudy's grave?

That's so sweet.

You know, it was a really nice touch when he had
that barbershop quartet sing taps at Rudy's funeral.

You better run!

Guy was talking in terms of a coupe cut.

All right, next.

Here, I got a resume.

All right, Mr. Henri, huh?

I like that.

Oh, look at this, look at this.

You cut Elvis's cousin's hair?

Yeah, now she looks just like him.

All right, I'll see you upstairs.

He's such a good guy.

He's a good barber, why is he bald?

Now, don't feel bad.

There are no small barbers, they're just small heads.

Good one, Marion.

That is it, that's it.

I've had it with Flip up to here.

I don't know what I'm gonna do about that
little brother of mine.

All right, Roger, calm down, calm down.

Now, what's the problem?

Oh, there's no problem, Uncle Howard.

My little brother is throwing his life away,
and there's not a thing I can do about it.

He's drinking and hanging around with the wrong crowd.

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, my poor nephew.

You know, he's gonna wind up in jail.

And then when he gets out of jail,
he won't be able to get a decent job.

He won't be able to vote.

He's gonna end up on Skid Row eating out of a dumpster.

Marion.

I've tried over and over to talk to him,
but I can't get through.

Well, listen, you have come to the right place.

Oh, excuse us.

Your Uncle Howard knows more about
teenagers than d*ck Clark.

Marion, do you mind if I talk to Roger?

No, Howard, you go right ahead.

Go ahead.

Look, Roger.

You know, if your Uncle Howard had known more
about music, he could have had his own TV show.

If...

If there's one thing I have learned in dealing
with teenagers is that you've got to be firm.

Yet yielding.

Strict.

Yet lenient.

Understanding.

Yet firm.

I said that, right?

Look, that might all be good in theory, but you see, I
tell Flip to do one thing, he does the exact opposite.

I don't know what I should do.

Should I ground him, smack him one, or send
him back to New Jersey and really punish him?

Look, we are just as much concerned about Flip as you are.

I know.

But when you're acting like this,
you're not going to do yourself any good.

You're like a Chinese finger puzzle.

Oh, those were so much fun.

Remember, Howard, you got your finger
stuck in one of those?

I had to feed him, didn't I?

There you go.

Well, you did, you did.

The point I'm trying to make here is the
harder you pull, the more difficult it is.

If you just try and relax, I'm sure it's
going to be a lot easier to work things out.

So, in other words, I'm trying too hard?

Roger, look, we had problems with Richie
and Joanie, you know, about drinking,

and smoking, and we let them know how we
felt, and they made their own decisions.

If Flip is half the young man I think he
is, he's going to make the right choice.

Yeah.

And if he doesn't?

You whack him on the behind until it glows in the dark.

Please, if you could tell me why not.

Why not?

Melvin, no.

It is a winter carnival.

The thing just cannot be surf and safari.

Melvin, your brain is so small,
I'd need a microscope to read your mind.

You know, my mom... The thing
just cannot be surf and safari.

Sorry.

Melvin, your brain is so small,
I'd need a microscope to read your mind.

You know, my mom once said, if you've got
nothing good to say, you should say nothing at all.

And, Melvin, that explains why your mother
hasn't spoken to you since birth.

I'm going to think of something to say soon.

And when I do, you better be home.

Move over.

I've got problems.

Look, Flip, the problem is, you think of
me as your older brother.

Roger, you are my older brother.

I know that, but you have to think of me as a friend.

Except I, uh, I dress a little better, that's all.

Okay, friend.

You say we blow this joint and grab a few brewskis.

Some brewskis.

Yeah.

That's cute.

Uh, Flip, we aren't going to go out and get any brewskis.

You are an 18.

Roger, tell me, what is so magical about 18?

What, is that when your maturity hormones kick in?

No.

No, the point is, when you drink to impress people.

You're not old enough.

No.

And that's what you do.

Here comes the lecture.

No.

No, your friend isn't going to give you a lecture today.

You see, I feel you've been raised
properly and given you my opinion.

Now I'm going to leave the choice up to you.

That's it?

Yeah.

You're not going to yell at me?

No.

No, that was your brother, Roger, yelling.

This is your pal, Rog.

I handled it pretty nicely, didn't I?

Thanks, Liv.

Hey.

We're getting ready to hang posters all
over the town for this winter carnival.

Why don't you come with us?

Yeah.

It's such a good chance for you to meet
your local merchants.

Hey, Liv.

Just the man we were looking for.

Yeah, what's up?

Yeah, Mark here just sold some blood.

We've got enough money to score some brew.

You game?

Uh, I don't know, guys.

Kelly, we're going to hang posters and you
and I could cover the motels.

Great.

And afterwards, we can all meet at my
house for hot cocoa and little bitty marshmallows.

Ooh, Mark.

Oh.

Uh, honey, we're going to pass on the
little bitty marshmallows.

Um, we're going to go have some real fun.

Real fun.

If you want to hang out with the cocoa
crowd, you can be my guest.

Uh, guys, guys, wait up.

Oh, Casey, would you be terribly
disappointed if we went with them?

Sit.

Of course.

This is not my idea of fun.

Oh, Fonzie, don't eat.

Haircut?

Oh, yeah, right.

The Chicago Fly was just a weenie roast.

Oh, now sit down.

Mommy, can Tammy ride our bicycles?

Me, Tammy, and I go outside and ride our bicycles.

Aren't you a little too old to play with Tammy?

Oh, all right, sweetheart, yes,
you may go out, but be very careful.

It'll be dark soon.

What's the matter with him?

His barber died?

Let her cut your hair, Fonzie.

Don't be such a big sissy.

You should not teach her words like that, sissy.

She learned it from you.

Now, Fonzie, if you sit down, and if
you're very good, I'll give you a lollipop.

Oh, come on, Ashley, let's get serious.

That just works in a dentist's office, not here.

Fonzie?

Yeah?

Quit stalling.

I would like to finish this before Heather's wedding.

All right.

I'm sitting.

See, I don't feel right about this.

There are no tissues in my collar.

There's no comb exhibit to check out when I'm waiting.

And you don't know any w*r stories.

You know that Rudy?

Was it Anzio?

Fonzie, you're acting as if this was the electric chair.

That would be a lot better.

I wouldn't have to go in public afterwards.

Arthur, park it.

Oh, thank you so much.

You took off just the right amount.

That was great.

Now, Fonzie, I haven't even begun.

Oh, I have a wonderful idea.

We won't give you a haircut at all.

We'll just let your hair grow, and when it gets long
enough, we can put it into pigtails, just like Heather's.

You play very, very rough.

What was that?

I don't know.

Oh, my God!

Heather's been hit!

Who is this?

And Helter Skelter.

Why do you keep calling me?

Please, leave me and my family alone.

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You don't take no for an answer, do you?

Smith?

Be more like Johnson.

Kellogg's Raisin Bran Crunch.

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Eight-six-six, 66-FASTER.

You've got the green light.

Mommy, I didn't do anything.

I know, sweetheart.

Let me get a blanket.

She's gonna be in there in a moment.

You're going to be all right, right?

Yes, she's going to be just fine.

All right.

What are you doing?

You're starved of cold, you're feet are fever.

Oh, that's wrong.

You're hit by a car.

You're hit by a car.

Do not move the victim.

I got to take her back downstairs.

No, Fonzie.

Now, listen to me.

There's nothing seriously wrong with her,
but put Heather on the sofa.

On the sofa, right.

You're so calm and cool and collected, you know?

There you go, sweetie.

Just relax.

I mean, you're like a real nurse,
you know, like a Florence Henderson.

Fonzie, get the towel.

Get the towel.

Yeah, right.

Hey, what happened out there, Tammy?

Tammy?

Heather was in the crosswalk, and this
yellow car was coming pretty fast,

and it didn't slow down until the last
second, and then it was too late.

What kind of car?

A yellow car.

A yellow car.

I'm going to go find her.

Fonzie, I think we should take care of Heather first.

She's going to be just fine, but just in
case, we should go to the hospital.

Good idea.

You just stay right there.

Mommy and I are going to the hospital.

Fonzie, we're taking Heather to the hospital.

Okay, much better idea.

How do you think of these things?

There you go.

I don't want to go to the hospital.

Hello.

Oh, sweetie.

That's okay.

You know what?

There is nothing to worry about.

You know, the Fonz went to the hospital.

I had my tonsils taken out.

They fed me ice cream and everything.

What do you say, sweetie?

Can I get my tonsils up over there?

You can have anything out you want.

You're talking to yellow car, huh?

I'll tell you when I find them, I'm going
to pick their tonsils out through their nose.

I've got it.

We decorate the gym like a giant Christmas
tree, and we all come as ornaments.

All in favor?

Yay!

All right, now I need some volunteers to
help select some pine branches.

I think you're going to have to give them
a little more incentive than that.

All right.

Everyone that helps gets to take me out.

All right, you get to take me out,
and I'll throw in a dollar.

All right, just the dollar.

Am I a leader of men or what?

You said it.

Do you think I could come as an angel?

Sweetheart.

If you want to come as yourself, that's just fine.

I don't believe it.

We actually hit that little kid.

Hey, Flip.

Calm down.

It's okay.

I saw it in the rearview mirror.

It's okay.

We still shouldn't run off like that.

Yeah.

How should we have run off?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Look, if I had stopped, the cops would have shown up.

If the cops had shown up, I would have
been arrested for drunk driving.

You're worried about yourself when you
just hit a little kid?

You're darn right I'm worried about myself.

Flip, what are we arguing for?

We're buddies.

We can work this thing out.

Let's say all we need is a story, an alibi.

Uh, where were we?

Don't you remember?

We went down to the wharf to get some beer.

Mark, shut up.

I got it.

I got it.

We were playing pinball at the arcade.

Oh, come on.

This is stupid.

It's ridiculous.

He's right, Kelly.

How about skee-ball?

Yeah, skee-ball.

We were playing skee-ball at the arcade all night.

You got it?

Got it.

Flip, how about you?

Yeah.

Yeah, he was with us.

No.

No way.

Look, you guys can stick to your story,
but I'm going to the police.

Hey, hey, hey.

Flip-a-Rooney, buddy.

We're friends.

We can talk this thing out.

Get out of my way, Kelly.

Flip, I'm afraid we can't let you do this.

Yeah, we'll try and stop you.

This is the last chance we'll have of mourning you.

Hey, what is this?

Two against one.

Well, now it's two against two.

That's fair.

Hey, the only way to be fair is if you had
ten extra guys in a bazooka.

Fonz, we're not looking for any trouble here at all.

I know that.

Get over here.

I need information.

Now, Heather was in an accident.

Little Heather?

Yeah.

Is she all right?

She'd be a lot better if she wasn't hit by a car.

Now, I'm looking for a yellow vehicle that
was in the vicinity of, uh... We weren't there.

We were at the arcade all night in our yellow car.

We were playing pinball.

No, no, no, skee-ball.

We didn't even see that little girl.

Well, that's good.

That's good.

Because I want to tell you something.

Because of what you did tonight, a little
girl almost didn't have a chance to grow up.

Can you dig that?

And there is not a jury in this country that
would convict me for what I'm about to do to you.

Wait, Fonz.

I was in the car, too, and drinking.

You were drinking and driving?

How stupid can you get?

Well, that's nothing.

You know what else?

He was going to go to the cops and turn himself in.

And you thought that was a bad idea?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Fonz, that was a very good idea.

Yeah, I love that idea.

It's one of our favorite ideas.

You've got five minutes to walk down to the
police station, tell them everything you know.

Now, in your case, that ain't going to happen.

It'll take very long.

Now, get out of here, because you'll make my stomach sick.

You!

I'm not getting off so easy.

So you went drinking, huh?

Why, because your friends did?

Because you thought it was cool, huh?

Well, let me tell you what's cool.

Cool is knowing the difference between right
and wrong and doing what is right with guts.

You understand that?

You're right, Fonz.

You bet I'm right.

Roger thought I was mature enough to make
the right decisions, and I didn't.

I can't believe it was you.

I can't believe it was you.

I'm sorry, Fonz.

You can say I am sorry from now until doomsday, dig it?

And it will never change what you did.

You hit a little girl.

You were drinking and you were driving.

You want to turn yourself in?

I still am, Fonz.

That's right, you are, because I'm going
to give you a ride.

Heather, how's she doing?

Not so good.

Her tummy hurt.

She had too much ice cream.

Oh, I know.

You're lucky.

Can I come in?

Sure.

Ashley, I can't tell you how bad I feel.

I know.

I never dreamed anything like this would ever happen to me.

Do you want to see Heather?

Yeah, yeah.

Hi, Heather.

Mind if I join you?

Sure.

I want to see your cartoon.

Yeah?

Yeah, mine too.

Well, I'm really sorry, Heather.

It's all right.

Here, I brought you a coloring book and some crayons.

It's a 64-pack.

It even has a little sharpener.

Wow!

Thanks.

It's the least I could do.

So, you feeling better?

I feel fine.

But don't tell my mom, or she'll make me go back to school.

Gotcha, gotcha.

You see, you can take it with me.

Look at this.

Bugs has Yosemite Sam wearing a dress.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hey, hey, hey.

Ha, ha, ha.

Hey, hey, hey.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Total talent.

The body's still willing to fight.

We're going to fight it.

It's very hard for me as a dad to look in
his eyes and realize he didn't choose this.

This chose him.

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Marion, will you take it easy back there, please?

At my age, it's kind of hard to grow another ear back.

Oh, Howard.

Howard, now, don't be such a snagglepuss.

You know, Ashley cuts Arthur's hair.

I can cut yours.

You remember when we were first married?

I cut your hair all the time.

Yeah, but I was in the Army then.

It didn't matter how I looked.

Just think, Howard, now, $2 a haircut and
twice a month, that's $4 a month,



$48, Marion, that's $48 a year, which would
just about pay for those clippers you're using.

Okay, there you are.

You're all finished.

Hey, that's not bad, sweetheart.

And to think you're open on Mondays.

There you are, sweetheart.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Next!

Okay, coach.

Who do you like in tomorrow's game?

These happy days are yours and mine.

These happy days are yours and mine.

These are such happy days.

Goodbye, gray sky, hello, blue.

There's nothing that can hold me when I hold you.

Stay tuned for The Brady Bunch.

It's Susan Olsen's most embarrassing episode.

She dresses up like Shirley Temple and
sings The Good Ship Lollipop.

It might have worked in Season 1, but in Episode 115...

Stay tuned, it's coming up next.