03x09 - Chip's Last Fight

[bunniefuu]

And Nancy, Nancy, the real reason I was
calling was I was wondering, how's your mother?

Oh, good, good.

I'm glad to hear that.

Yeah, my folks are fine, too.

Nancy, has anybody asked you to the dance yet?

What?

Well, if nobody's asked you, then you could come with me.

Yeah.

What I mean is, if it's okay with you,
then it's okay with me, if it's okay with you.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, sure.

Okay, okay.

Bye, Nancy.

Well, is she going?

Yeah, but not with me.

Well, it's no wonder.

Oh, lay off, Mike.

There's just something about this girl.

I don't know what.

I do.

She doesn't like you.

Robbie, you can't let him intimidate you.

What?

Here, watch me.

Ginny, sweetheart.

Mike Douglas.

Yeah, in person.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Say, I'll tell you what.

Fine, fine.

Oh, and wear a scarf.

We'll put the top down.

To learn this, he goes to college.

No, no, I didn't get a convertible.

We're going to take yours.

Okay.

Pick you up at eight.

Ciao.

Mmm, bellissima.

Now, I don't want to interrupt all this
pasta bazoo, but will you guys get washed?

Washed up and ready for dinner?

Hi, Bob.

Why come so early?

Because I got a red hot date with a pinochle deck.

Hi, fellas.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Rob.

Well, how's this roll tonight, Chip?

Fine.

Good.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, just a minute, Rob.

Bob, I have to meet a client at the office
about eight O'clock.

Do you suppose we could have dinner a little early?

Well, I planned on it, yes.

I've got to be out here myself at 7.30.

Oh, fine.

What was it, Rob?

Dad, I was wondering, uh, do you suppose I
could borrow the car tonight?

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry, Rob.

You heard I have to meet a client tonight.

You got a big date or something?

No, it's just a committee meeting for the dance.

Oh.

Who are you taking to the dance?

No one.

Oh.

Score at the end of the first inning,
Mike, one redhead, Robbie, nothing.

I, uh, take it you have a date tonight, Mike?

Not a date.

The date.

Oh, the redhead?

Yeah.

Well, now, wait a minute.

Who's going to stay home with Chip?

Hey, that's right.

Who is?

Nobody has to stay home with me.

Well, I could cancel my pinochle game.

I can stay home alone.

Dad, I'll stay home with him.

Now, wait a minute, fellas.

This doesn't happen very often,
and as long as we all have something

planned for tonight, why don't we just call a sitter?

Good idea.

Hey, how about Jenny's sister?

She's responsible, and she babysits.

Good.

Babysits?

What's she going to do, stick me in a crib
and read me fairy tales?

Chip, this is nothing personal.

It's just that you're not quite old enough
to stay home alone at night.

I know lots of guys who do.

Well, you're not one of them.

Mike called Jenny's sister.

Okay.

And don't forget to tell her that the
baby's almost 10 years old.

Good night.

Hi, Chip.

Hi, Buds.

Want to go to the park with me?

I can't.

My mother's making me start violin lessons.

On Saturday?

How come?

Because my father can't stand listening to
me play the piano.

I think that's bad.

You know what we had in that house last night?

Burglars?

No, a clunky babysitter.

A babysitter?

For who?

For me.

Good night.

How embarrassing.

Yeah, and she read any bedtime stories
like Cinderella and that stuff.

You're kidding.

Heck, I am.

She called me Tipsy.

I'm no baby anymore.

I'm going to the park.

You mean you're going to hang around with those big guys?

Yeah.

Well, good luck.

Boy, and you'll need it.

Chipsy.

Don't be late to your violin lesson, Sudsy.

Dumb.

Dumb everyone.

Look what we've got.

A little spy again.

I'm not spying.

You know what happens to the little kids who butt in?

Hi.

What's your name, Shorty?

Chip Douglas.

Oh, swell.

Robbie's kid brother.

Now go home and tell Robbie and everybody
you'll know about our secret club.

I will not.

I know this is a secret club.

I don't want to tell.

I want to join.

Get him.

Come back when you grow up, kid.

You guys aren't so much bigger than me.

Scram.

Now wait a minute.

We could use someone to run errands.

You mean like a mascot?

Yeah.

If we're going to have a kid around, I want my brother.

He can be our mascot.

He can be our mascot.

Come on, Casey.

We don't need two little chicken kids around.

Who's a chicken?

I can do anything you guys can do.

Try me.

To get into this club, you have to pass a
bravery test, Chip.

He's too little.

No, you don't get it.

We have Casey's brother fight Chip.

And the winner is our mascot.

Sure you want to do that, kid?

Casey's bug is bigger than you.

I win.

Do I get to be a member and hang around with you guys?

Yeah, if you win.

Okay, then be here at 10 O'clock next Saturday.

One week from today.

Okay, now beat it.

Wait, you solemnly swear you will never tell anybody
about this bravery test or about this club no matter what?

Sure, Casey.

Sure, Casey, what?

Sure, Casey, sir.

I'll never tell.

I swear.

See you next Saturday, Chip.

Yeah, if he doesn't chicken out.

I'll be here no matter what.

Hey, Rob?

You never leave me alone until I'm done.

Robbie?

Where is he?

Hey, shh.

I want to hear this.

Ginny, I've been waiting for you for over
an hour and a half.

We had a date today, remember?

You tell him, Ginny, sweetheart.

Hey, Robbie, I want to... Shh.

All right, if that's how you want it.

Hey, Mike?

What?

Could you show me how to fight?

Oh, could I?

You just find yourself an 18-year-old redhead.

Hey, Rob?

What?

Could you show me how to fight?

What do you want to know?

Well, like how to fight for real.

Like boxing.

No, you better not try it.

You're not in condition.

Hey, Chip, come into the kitchen.

I'll show you.

Will you, Bob?

Sure I will.

What's the matter, did you get into a beef
with one of the kids at school?

No, I just want to learn how, just in case.

Well, now that's good sense.

Here, watch this.

Now, get your Dukes up now.

Always protect yourself.

Oh, you know, thanks.

Then you're right, that's right.

Are you sure this is the right way?

Certainly I'm sure this is the right way.

Why, I used to pal around with Jack Dempsey.

Jack who?

Jack who?

Jack Dempsey, the old Manasseh Mauler.

You never heard of him?

Guys like Jack Dempsey, Jess Willard,
Jack Johnson, Louis Furpo.

I don't know where you've been.

Put your hands up.

Yeah, stop.

Protect it.

Protect the old snazzola here now.

There you go.

Now wait.

Now swing at me.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You're blazing hot.

Let me see your throat.

Open your mouth.

Oh, come on, Bub.

Open your mouth and do it.

Holy Moses, that throat is as raw as hamburger.

I'm going to send for the doctor.

Get upstairs to bed.

It doesn't hurt much.

I don't care whether it hurts or not.

Get upstairs to bed.

That's a bad throat.

Boy, I bet the Manasseh Mauler didn't have
to go to bed every time he got a sore throat.

Get out of here.

Well, Doc?

His tonsils are pretty bad again,
Steve, and they'll have to come out.

Oh.

Next Saturday, huh?

Sooner or better.

You don't suppose the lad's too young, do you, Doc?

Could be postpartum.

Not this time.

Well, better go and tell him.

You just tell him he'll be off school for a week.

Next Saturday, he'll see my Christmas.

Oh, sure.

I know the way.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks, Dad.

Goodbye.

So long, Dad.

Well.

Well, Chipper, Dr. Nugent said those old
tonsils are going to have to come out.

He wants to do it next Saturday.

Next Saturday?

Yeah.

I can't have my tonsils out then.

I just can't.

Oh, Chip, don't be frightened.

It won't be too bad.

After they're out, all you have to do is lie in
bed for a few days and eat a lot of ice cream.

No, Dad.

And you won't have to go to school for at
least another week.

I just can't.

That's all.

I just can't.

My throat doesn't even hurt.

Honest, Dad.

Please, not Saturday.

Please.

Take it easy, honey.

I'll be scared to death.

Yeah, I know.

I heard him.

How are we going to handle this?

I don't know.

I'm a poor little guy.

Well, we'll just have to work it out somewhere.

Yeah.

Hey, sourpuss, cheer up.

That's all right.

You know, sometimes it helps to talk.

Well, heck, having your tonsils out is no
worse than skinning your knee.

Come on, Chip.

Don't you want to tell me what's bugging you?

I just don't want the operation this weekend.

I just want to be left alone.

Well, I talked to him.

How do you sound to you, Mike?

Dad, we have a problem.

You think so, huh?

Definitely.

He's got an acute medical phobia.

Wow.

He was better off with tonsillitis.

Hello, Sudsy.

Chip.

Yeah, I wanted to ask you something.

Sure, Chip.

What is it?

Well, would you believe it if someone was
supposed to do something to prove he's brave?

Called you and said he couldn't do it when he was a kid.

Well, he was supposed to do it because he
had to have his tonsils out.

Hank, no.

I'd say it was chicken.

That's what I figured.

Bye.

Bye, Chip.

What did he say?

I'll bet Ginny'd know what to do.

She works for a pediatrician.

She sounds like a very bright girl.

Oh, yeah.

She's great with kids.

She'd make a wonderful mother.

I'm going over and see her.

Don't worry about a thing, Dad.

We'll figure out something.

I hope so.

Well, don't wait up for me.

She'd make a wonderful mother, huh?

Bub, you don't suppose he's thinking about
getting married or anything?

What, on his allowance?

You know, it seems only a week or two ago
I was a young man.

Yep, it sneaks up on you all of a sudden.

Sometimes I wonder if I really understand my own sons.

Listen, Nancy, I know the reason you're
breaking the date with me.

It's because you were never going in the
first place, that's why.

Yeah, that's so.

Bill told Chuck and Chuck told me.

You were just trying to make him jealous.

Bill said I was a pushover, and maybe I
am, but I'm no yo-yo.

So if you want to play your games,
just go use some other guy.

Anything I can do to help, Rob?

No, Dad, you wouldn't understand.

I wouldn't understand.

Well, I understand because I keep score.

Oh, that's right.

What's the score now, Bub?

Mike won.

One, Robbie nothing.

Good morning.

Thank you.

Well, where's the thundering herd?

The next hoofbeats you hear will be those
of your grandsons.

Let's start.

Morning, Bub.

What's for breakfast?

Morning.

Oh, scrambled eggs.

Yeah.

Great.

Hi, Bub.

Oh, scrambled eggs.

Great.

Somebody else can have it.

All I want's a toaster that makes about a
dozen pieces at once.

Chip didn't want any breakfast, huh, Bub?

He said he wasn't hungry.

Dad, I have an idea about Chip.

I hope it's a good one.

He kept me awake all night last night.

He kept talking in his sleep.

Classic tension manifestation.

Besides that, he had a lot of bad dreams.

I can't say things like, I'm not scared
and I'm no chicken on us.

No, I don't understand it.

Chip's always been such a brave little guy
about everything.

This going to the hospital
has him... I'm really frightened.

There's only.

One way to make Chip feel secure.

Sure, call the whole thing off.

Tell him exactly what to expect in the hospital.

Give him all the details.

That sounds like a sensible thing to do, Mike.

Ginny told me just what to say.

Is it odd if I try it for breakfast?

Sure, anything that'll help.

And then they get you into your pajamas,
and they put you in this nice, comfortable bed.

Do they read you Cinderella?

Huh?

I'm not going Saturday, that's all.

And then the doctors come in, and they give you this shot.

Yeah, well, this real long needle.

Robbie.

And they take you into the operating room, and the first
thing you see in there are these great big lights above you.

Yeah, that's so they won't lose anything
when they operate on you.

Robbie, if you can't say anything to help,
just keep quiet, will you, please?

Nobody's operating on me Saturday.

No way, Chip, you won't feel a thing.

The doctors give you another shot so you'll go to sleep.

Yeah, where do you see that, Neil?

Robbie.

What's he going, Dad?

Go and get ready for church.

Mike, I think we'd better try another approach.

Well, just let me finish telling him, Dad.

I don't want to hear.

I don't care what they do at any old hospital.

I'm not going.

Please don't make me go, Dad.

All right, Mike, that's enough, I think.

Steve, someone here to see you.

I'll be right down, Bub.

Let him alone.

I'm sorry if I kept you waiting.

Steve, this is Mrs. Aldrich.

Tommy's mother.

Oh, yes, I know Tommy.

He's a fine big boy.

And you have an older son.

Casey.

I found out this morning that Casey and
some of his friends have a secret club.

Well, boys will do that.

Yes, but the school doesn't allow it.

I know.

Tommy wanted to be their mascot so
badly that he was going to fight a boy to get in.

A much smaller boy.

Oh?

You're right.

You're Chip.

Chip is supposed to fight?

Yes, Saturday morning.

Saturday morning?

Well, I put an end to the whole thing.

Well, I'm glad you did, Mrs. Aldrich.

I just thought you'd like to know.

Well, thanks very much for telling us.

Goodbye, Mr. Douglas, Mr. O'Casey.

Goodbye, Mrs. Aldrich.

I'll be darned.

How do you like that, Bub?

I like it.

Mike?

Chip wasn't afraid to have his tonsils out.

Not on Saturday?

He wasn't?

No, he was just afraid he was going to
miss getting a couple of black eyes.

What?

Don't worry about it, Mike.

This is one problem I understand.

Brian.

Hi, Chip.

I, uh...

I suppose the important thing about a
secret club is that it, uh, stays secret, huh?

I suppose.

I mean, if everybody told everybody
about it, it wouldn't be a secret club, would it?

I guess not.

And when a fella gives his word not to tell about
it, then, uh, well, his lips are really sealed, huh?

That's right.

You know, adults have clubs, too, Chip.

I mean, like, uh, Tommy's mother and I belong to one.

It's called the, uh, Worried Parents of America Club.

What do you mean, Dad?

I'm just trying to tell you, Chip, that it's all
clear for Saturday morning at the hospital.

All clear?

According to Mrs. Aldrich, getting your
tonsils out is the only event scheduled.

No kidding.

Boy.

You know something, Dad?

I'm glad you found out before I got clobbered.

Yeah, me too, Chip.

On Saturday morning at the hospital,
I'll be right there with you all the time.

I won't be scared, Dad.

You'll see.

Oh, I know you won't.

Well, do you feel like having some breakfast now?

Why don't I go down and get you some?

How about some ice cream?

Ice cream?

Well, I guess you want to get in practice
for next week, huh?

Yeah.

Okay, then.

We'll talk about, about, about.

Hi, Sahid.

Jim.

Well, that's the way my luck's been running lately.

I'm sure you fellas don't want to go to the movies, huh?

No, thanks, Dad.

No, thanks.

I'll get it.

Don't forget, I'm not low.

Sorry, wrong number.

Oh.

Hi.

You do?

You do?

You do?

She does.

Well, yeah.

Well, hang on a minute.

It's Nancy.

She says she respects me.

She wants to go to the dance with me after
all, and she wants me to come over tonight.

Don't do it.

Go around.

Nancy, I'm sorry, but I'm staying home
with my little brother tonight.

Oh, yeah?

Okay.

Be right over.

She begged me.

What's the score now, Bub?

Robbie is one ahead.

Mike, you sure don't want to change your
mind and go to the movie?

No, thanks, Dad.

I'll stay home with Chip.

Oh, you don't have to do that, Mike.

Chip can take care of himself.

Right, Chip?

Right, Dad.

I'll get it.

Mike.

Ginny, what are you doing here?

Mike, I didn't mean what I said on the phone.

I didn't mean what I said on the phone this afternoon.

Can't we just forget it and go to the
party like we planned?

Please, Mike.

Oh, okay.

But no more flying off the handle.

Yes, Mike.

Okay, just a minute.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

No problem.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, uh, Ginny Stewart.

This is my father and my grandfather, Mr. O'Casey.

How do you do?

Hello, Ginny.

Pleased to meet you.

Pleased to meet you.

Well, so long.

Nice meeting you.

Have a good time.

Well, that does it.

Game called tie score.

I think.

I think that's right.

Well, Chipper, keep an eye on tr*mp now.

Will do, Dad.

We won't be gone long.

Take your time.

Night.

Good night.

Yeah, Bub?

You think we ought to leave Chip there all alone?

Oh, he'll be fine.

Come on.

Well, I don't know about running off to a
movie and... Oh, we're not going to a movie.

Where are we going?

We're going for a ride in the car.

Ride in the car where?

Well, no, it's just back and forth in front of
the house here for the next hour and a half.

I see.

Well, for a guy who doesn't understand his
kids very well, you're doing okay.

Come on, climb in, bud.

We've got a long trip ahead.

All right.

Look, up in the sky, it's a bird,
it's a plane, it's not Superman,

it's My Favorite Martian.

Stay tuned for two episodes of My Favorite
Martian during this twice as nice morning on TV Land.