03x07 - Pretty as a Picture

[bunniefuu]

The pig in Ireland,
the cow who's moving Irish moo,

the pig is a pig in Ireland, and that is why I love you.

Boy, what kind of homework is that?

None of your business, Squirt.

Can't you two characters talk to each
other without being nasty?

Boy, he's just trying to give me a troll.

Oh, I'm not.

All I said is, what kind of homework is that?

You see?

He knows if he keeps saying that, you'll
come over here and see what I'm doing.

Then I'll get in trouble and he'll just sit
there like a little innocent stool patient.

Well, what kind of homework is it?

Mr. O'Casey!

Tell her I was taking a bath and caught my
toe in the drain.

You know, Bub, you always tell him that stuff to tell us.

Then you make us tell Miss Gilbert all kinds of stuff.

Get this, will you?

Now he's developing scruples.

I have your ex, Mr. O'Casey.

Well, you didn't need to rush over with him.

You only bored him a couple of hours ago.

I make a quick cake.

Well, I've got to get back to my dinner.

Hi, Miss Gilbert.

Hello, Chip.

I'm Chip.

He's Mike.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Guess I must have been thinking about something else.

That's possible, I think.

Mmm, smells delicious.

The stew is in here.

I'm boiling a couple of shirts in there.

Well, I guess I'd better be running along.

Swell.

Goodbye, boys.

Goodbye, Miss Gilbert.

If we're going to be neighbors, we should be neighbors.

If you happen to run out of anything,
just walk down three doors and consider my

home your own private supermarket, Mr. O'Casey.

Well, thank you very much, but I
understand you don't give stamps.

Why don't you give her a break?

I can take her to a show or something.

How about you giving a break to that Janet
character that calls you up about every ten minutes?

Now, that's different.

What's different about it?

Well, I'm already sort of going with somebody else.

And besides, between school and the fraternity
and the Air Force, I just don't have the time.

And besides, she's ugly.

Now, that's not true.

Hey, what kind of homework is that?

Boy, what a swell couple of big mouth brothers I've got.

Let's have a look.

Who is this Cleo Cornell?

She's just the most turbulent girl in the
whole school, that's all that.

Oh, really?

Turbulent, huh?

Yeah, boy.

That fool woman belongs in a zoo.

Well, I presume you're not talking about
this young lady, Bob.

No.

He's just sore because Miss Gilbert came
over and made goof eyes at him today.

That fat-headed female borrows things just
so she can return them.

Oh, how do you like that?

Not listening.

Who isn't listening?

Who is it, Mike?

Bobby Kane.

Who's he?

It's a girl.

Maybe Tim will have her number.

Dad, Cleo's 4,000 times better looking in this picture.

Well, somehow, Rob, I'd hope so.

Is she a friend of yours?

No, she's a senior.

Well, that puts her way out of your reach, hmm?

Yeah.

That's all seniors can do to talk to other seniors.

Well, Tim doesn't know her phone number, but he remembered
that she has a typing class in room 211 at 2 O'clock.

Now, you're speaking of Miss Kane.

Yeah.

Yeah, she wants to meet me.

Boy, I sure wish Cleo wanted to meet me.

How do you know she wants to meet you, Mike?

Well, she saw me bump into the door of the chemistry
lab, and she told Jerry Schreck I really turn her on.

She likes the way you bleed?

You ought to see Cleo, Dad.

She could be a movie star, but her dumb
parents want her to finish high school first.

Oh, that really is dumb of her parents.

Have you ever seen this gargoyle, Steve?

Now, you're speaking of Mrs. Gilbert.

Sure.

Who else we've been talking about?

You know, Bub, I've met Mrs. Gilbert,
and she seems like a very nice woman.

A nice woman?

Rob, don't you have any homework to do?

Yeah, kind of.

Well, you better get at it, huh?

Okay.

Here, do you want this?

No, you can have it, Dad.

I've got lots more.

Oh, thanks.

Rob?

What?

Why don't you get a decent photograph of this
girl instead of always drawing pictures of her?

How?

Well, you have a flash camera, don't you?

Take it to school and get a shot of her
when she's not expecting it.

Hey.

Boy, you know, every once in a while
having you around the house sure pays off.

Yeah, of course.

You're dealing with a university intellect.

Just place yourself near a locker.

Yeah, and then I have one of the
guys take a... Robbie, homework.

Okay, Dad.

Miserable beast.

Chipper, what are you doing there?

I'm writing an essay.

Oh?

What do you have to write about?

Anything we want.

And what subject did you pick?

Oh, I'm just writing about how I need to be.

If all of a sudden there weren't any more girls.

Oh.

Well, don't let me interrupt you.

The bell's gonna ring any minute,
and that's the locker right over there.

How come you're always roping me on in
this kind of junk, Rob?

Look, who was it that had to go over to
Mary Alice Carter's house and tell her you

were sick just so you could go to the show with Libby Cox?

Okay, okay.

All right, here.

As soon as I get close to her, you take the picture.

The flash will blind her so we can both get
away and she'll never know the difference.

Okay, here they come.

Get ready.

No.

Kidding?

Well, sure.

Well, show him the picture, Rob.

Well, quit being funny, Hank.

Take a look at this.

Not.

A kind of his father doesn't want anybody
to know he's taking out an older woman.

All right, Hank, will you cut it out?

Man, going steady with Cleo Cornell.

She doesn't even know I'm alive.

No kidding.

Bob?

Yeah?

What's an each?

What's a what?

An each, Mike.

Charles gave a gardenia to each of them.

What's an each?

A noun or a verb or a what?

Well, a gardenia is a noun.

And an each is an article or something.

You sure?

Oh.

Mike.

Okay, then.

Tomorrow, huh?

All right, bye-bye.

Mike, when you got Charles gave a gardenia
to each of them, what's an each?

Well, an each is, uh, uh, well,
it's been so long since I've had that kind

of stuff, I'd probably just steer you wrong, Jim.

Uh, I finally made contact with Bobby Kane, Bub.

Well, bully for you.

She's going to meet me at the library tomorrow.

What's she going to do?

Teach you how to read?

Bobby, what's an each?

Oh, it's a verb or an adverb or an adjective or something.

Boy, what an ignorant family.

I got a lot at stake.

Five dollars and no questions asked.

Oh, I'll get it.

Probably Bobby calling back.

Hello?

Uh, yes, he is.

Who's calling, please?

Oh, just a moment.

Hey, Rob, it's that Cleo Cornell.

She wants to talk to you.

Oh?

Are you sure it's her?

Well, I don't know.

The picture's not coming in very clear,
but her voice said it was her.

Hello?

Hey, it is you.

Well, I thought my brother was just horsing around.

I'm glad you called.

Tonight?

Well, sure.

My dad's not here, but I'll ask my grandfather.

Hang on a minute.

She wants to know if I can come over her house, Bub.

Tonight?

Yeah.

What for?

Well, I don't know, but please say yes
before she hangs up or changes her mind.

She said it's okay.

Yeah, I'll be right over.

Oh, sure.

I've walked by there a couple times, kind of.

Goodbye.

Now, you can stay a half hour, but take your coat.

I'm going to put down that it's a predicate.

What?

Each.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a good idea.

That's as good as anything else.

Come on, Douglas.

I wonder what a duchess like that Cleo
wants with a peasant like Rob.

Oh, hello.

I didn't expect you so soon.

I walk kind of fast.

Oh.

You're a freshman, aren't you?

Oh, heck no.

That was last year.

I'm a sophomore now.

It's strange we haven't met before now.

Oh, well, I've noticed you a lot.

I guess you just didn't see me.

That's why I was kind of surprised when...

Hi.

Oh, excuse me.

These are my brothers, David and Fred.

This is the boy I was telling you about.

What's new?

We understand you have a picture of Cleo.

Oh.

Yeah.

May we see it, please?

Oh, yeah.

Sure.

Get the message?

Yeah, sure.

I got it.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Nice to have met you.

Hey, Rob.

Rob, show Tony that picture.

Oh, knock, though, Cornell.

Show him the picture.

I don't have it.

Hank, will you tell Rob you're here to make with a picture?

I said I don't have it.

Hey, here she comes.

Why don't you go over there and show us
all how well you know it, Rob?

Boy, one of these days, Mabel.

Hey, Rob, don't make a liar out of me.

Yeah, he doesn't know her.

She goes somewhere over at the college.

You do know her, don't you, Rob?

Yeah, I know her.

See, only he would let everybody think he
wasn't going with somebody if he wasn't.

That's right.

Go ahead and talk to her, Rob, but you don't mind.

Why don't you go over there and talk to her, Rob?

All right, okay.

What do you want?

I was just wondering if you'd talk to me for a second.

I'm kind of on a spot.

Talk to you?

What for?

For what?

Those guys over there are giving me the business.

Would you mind just kind of smiling a little bit?

You told them we were going together, is that it?

No, ma'am, I did not.

I mean, they just sort of figured it out
from the picture, that's all.

Would you mind just kind of smiling a little
and maybe walking down the hall with me?

I certainly will not.

I'm sorry about the picture, honest.

You ought to be.

Well, it's just that the word got around, that's all.

All right.

That's all over.

But I won't have any part of pretending
that you and I are anything but strangers,

just so you can be a big shot with that
group of hyenas over there.

All right, skip it.

The only reason that I took that picture was because I
thought you were the most beautiful girl that I'd ever seen.

You make those girls in the magazines look
like skinny scarecrows.

You shine through like something golden,
like right out of a kid's book about the Princess.

Maybe I was proud because the guys thought
that I was going with you.

But it's all over with and you don't have
to worry about it now.

So long and thanks for nothing.

Robbie?

What?

Come here.

You really mean it?

Sure I mean it.

Let's get something straight first.

We're not going steady.

Just having lunch.

Yeah, I know.

Oh,

I've been doing it for years.

Nonsense.

When a woman happens to find a man who's
doing a woman's work, well, it's her feminine instinct.

Her feminine instinct to want to help him lighten his load.

Besides, Ferdinand doesn't mind being
alone for a few minutes.

Ferdinand?

I didn't know you had somebody at home waiting for you.

Ferdinand's a c*ck.

Well, it figures.

Why does it figure?

Well, I meant that Ferdinand is a very
pretty name for a c*ck.

Yes, and you won't believe this, William,
but he has the full intelligence of a child of two.

And speaking of immaculate, why,
he has all the pride of a maitre d',

preening his little feathers and honing
his beak against his cage.

And that's the real reason I like Bach.

He's not discordant like today's moderns.

They seem to think that all
you have to do is string a series

of minor seconds all in a row and you've got a composition.

And this thing they call progressive jazz
is completely ridiculous.

Don't you agree?

I kind of like it.

Well, that's because it's new to you.

When you've heard a few years of flat tones
and no vibrato like I have, you'll get tired of it, too.

Well, so I struck out with Bobby Kane.

You can't win them all.

Dinner will be ready in a little while.

Where's Chip?

He said to tell you he'd be a little bit late.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

I just did, Bub.

Well, he better be here.

I just fixed that lamp.

Well, then why does it work?

Because you've got it all torn apart again.

William!

Steve, you've got to do something about that woman.

She just won't quit.

I'm returning your apology.

Well, why don't you put it...

I'm sorry, but she gets in this house
oftener than the flies.

Have you ever thought of taking her out to
a movie or a dinner or something like that?

Well, that's what I suggested, Dad.

You know, Bub, you ought to listen to Dad.

He sure steered me right about Cleo.

What, and be seen in public with that female Dracula?

Well, she may turn out to be a very pleasant companion.

You never know.

Yeah, you might find out you have nothing
in common like Cleo and me.

And then she'll think you're a dope and
won't come around anymore.

Yes, Bub.

Well, maybe.

Things certainly can't be any worse.

I left my selfie and I thought you wouldn't mind.

Oh, no, no, not at all.

Clara.

Yes, Colander, I...

Clara?

You called me Clara.

Well, sure, you asked me to.

Don't you remember?

Well, yes, but... Well, I think it's about
time we started to do a little dating, don't you?

Dating?

Yes.

Yes, we'll go to a movie and then I'll buy you a frappe.

I'm a pretty good sport if we ever get started.

Well, why all the escaping air?

I'm really quite disappointed in you, William.

Now, listen, a show and a frappe are all I
can get into my budget.

Take it or leave it.

It isn't that.

It's...

Well, it's always the same.

What's always the same?

You men.

Men.

The minute a girl thinks she has a nice
platonic arrangement with a man,

he always turns it into something more.

I asked you to go to a show.

Nobody said anything about eloping.

Well, it's one thing to shelve fees together and to borrow
from each other, but it's quite another to... to socialize.

I'm afraid you put our relationship on
quite a different plane.

Well, now, what's the matter with a little, uh,
smooching and hand-holding in the balcony, huh?

Willie!

Even.

That Janet character quit calling.

Someone looks like I'm fresh out of girls.

That makes two of us.

What happened, Bub?

Well, she's disappointed in me because I'm
nothing but a nasty male.

Did you ask her out?

Sure.

I asked her to a show.

It's one thing to shell peas together,
but quite another to socialize.

Well, Robbie has no Cleo.

Mike has no Cleo.

Bob has no Bobby.

Bub has no Mrs. Gilbert, and I don't have
a date, so it looks like the Douglas

family is going to spend a quiet evening
without any females.

That is, unless tr*mp has something planned.

Dad?

Hi, Chip.

Did you mean it for sure about that $5 in
the toy store if I brought up my grades?

Yeah, of course I meant it.

Well, for a big deal like that,
I'm willing to sh**t the worst.

You can come on in, Doreen.

Hello there, Doreen.

Hello.

Hello, Mr. Douglas.

I'm going to help your son with his English,
because he's a little bit stupid in his parts of speech.

Well, we certainly appreciate your interest, Doreen.

Thank you.

Come on, Chip, let's get going.

Now, in this first one, you've got to find
the subject and the predicate.

It is a very unusual thought.

What's the subject?

Hmm, let's see.

Jesus, is everybody at the wash?

What's the subject?

What's the sentence again?

It is a very unusual sight.

Well, um... Greater love hath no man.

For a $5 reward.

Look, up in the sky, it's a bird,
it's a plane, it's not Superman,

it's My Favorite Martian.

Stay tuned for two episodes of My Favorite
Martian during this twice as nice morning on TV Land.

My Favorite Martian.