08x13 - Bride and Gloom

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and rolling all week long ♪

[organ solo plays over rhythmic hand claps]

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Cause you've got personality.

Walk with personality.

Talk with personality.

Smile with personality.

Charm, personality, love, personality,
and plus you gotta break it hard.

So over and over and over, over and over, over and over.

Oh, hi, Al.

Is Chachi around?

Oh, Al, you're right.

You were supposed to be here half hour ago.

Look at the mess this place is in.

Oh, Al.

How about a piece of pie?

No.

Am I here yet?

Great, you got him.

I almost did.

Did you believe?

Do you believe he's the last two costumes
left in this town?

Chachi, everyone in Milwaukee must be
going to this party tonight.

What'd you get?

Oh, so I took what was left.

You guys going to a masquerade party?

Oh, yeah.

Al, this is the most important social
event this side of the prom.

And we're doubling with Jenny and her new
boyfriend, Phil Cotman.

How did you know?

Everybody knows.

Jenny's been in here all morning with a bullhorn.

Well, I gotta get back to the kitchen.

You know, Clarence hasn't cooked a thing all day.

He's back there right now.

He's making a woman out of Joe.

A man has no life.

She announced a date on a bullhorn?

Now, Chachi, Jen gets carried away sometimes.

But I think she's calmed down by now.

Think so?

Yeah.

Attention.

Quiet, please, everybody.

Is there anyone here who doesn't know
who's taking me to the party tonight?

No.

Phil Cotman.

I don't see what's so great about Phil Cotman.

Well, he happens to be the captain of the football team.

Listen, we'll pick you guys up tonight because
you're closer to the Pfister Hotel, all right?

Oh, no, no, no.

Didn't you hear?

It's not being held at the hotel this year.

What?

Jenny, we're going on a boat.

And we're gonna... On a cruise lake, Misha.

Oh, this is gonna be the greatest day of my entire life.

I am desperately in love.

I'm going to the best party of the year.

And I'm almost a cheerleader.

No, but the results weren't in yet.

Oh, they're not.

But listen, the only girl I'm up against
is Arlene Rabinsky.

The one with the eyebrows that run across her entire face.

Wait.

I think I see somebody that doesn't know about me and Phil.

She is a banana cake, you know that.

She is really in love.

Uh-oh.

Here comes Captain Marvel.

Hi, Phil.

Hi.

Oh, look, Chachi.

She threw herself in his arms.

Yeah, he ducked just in time, too.

That didn't take long.

Well, what did Mr. Wright have to say?

Jenny?

Jenny, are you all right?

He dunked you.

Chachi.

That's okay, Johnny.

He, uh, he was just making it clear that
he's, uh, moving on.

Moving on?

Actually, he said, up.

He's a bum.

And he's taking Arlene Rapinski.

Chachi, we gotta get Jenny another date.

Come on, it's impossible.

It's almost five O'clock.

Somebody special.

Somebody.

Too good to be true.

She's gotta go with someone really great.

And it's gotta look like Jenny turned down
Phil for tonight.

Yeah.

Who do we know that's not terrific?

Yeah!

Marion, snack time.

Toss it.

All right.

Definitely one of the best jello women you ever made.

He's got it dancing in there, you know.

Thank you very much.

Fonz, you look wonderful today.

Some things are just eternal, you know.

So what's happening in your little league
of teenage lives, huh?

Well, it's funny you should ask that question, Fonz.

Tell him, Chachi.

Fonz, we were gonna kind of ask you a favor.

You know what, kids?

Anything.

It's on the house.

I have a primo day going here.

I just found out I'm gonna be interviewed
by Cycle Life next month.

Anything you want, blank check.

My ears are all yours.

Oh, thanks, Fonz.

I'll go tell Jenny.

Great.

When is she gonna go tell Jenny?

Oh, no big deal, Fonz.

Jenny got dumped by a guy.

And you just agreed to be her date for
tonight at the masquerade party.

See ya.

I lost my appetite.

Just one person asked me to lay an egg.

I'm walking out of here.

Ladies, welcome aboard.

You're welcome, farm.

Ladies, welcome to the Jefferson High Masquerade Party.

Now, behave yourselves, or you'll
be walking... I'm walking the plank.

Isn't he boss?

What's that priest doing here?

Drinking.

He's not really a priest.

He's the captain of the boat.

He wanted to get in the spirit of things
and wear a costume.

Oh, I see.

Thanks a lot.

See you later.

See ya.

Have a good time.

Oh, we will.

Thank you.

Here comes Tarzan and Cheetah.

Joanie, that is simply an adorable...

It makes you look even mousier than usual.

Well, you're looking good too, Arlene.

Thank you.

You shaved your forehead for the party.

Where's Jenny?

Don't tell me she couldn't make it.

Don't worry your little toy brain about it, Arlene.

Her date is parking the car.

She has a date?

Some geek, no doubt.

No doubt.

Oh, what were you saying, dear?

Well, it's just, it's nice that...
You'll have to speak up, Arlene.

It's a little hard to understand you with
your foot in your mouth.

Ha, ha, ha.

Fonz, have you met, uh, Phil?

Cotman.

Oh, you're the guy that was supposed
to go out with, uh, Jenny over here, huh?

Well, you know, when you... You know, she told me that
the only reason she wanted to go out with you was because

sometimes, you know, she does charity work.

Ha, ha, ha.

Now, look.

No, no, no.

Hold your ground.

It's very lovely that you came here and
you brought your little brother with you.

Look!

Well, listen, I'll see you later, all right?

Uh, Jenny, s'il vous plaît.

You blew it, buzzard breath.

Yeah.

Can I refresh you with, uh, some punch?

I'd love some.

You know, likewise, I'm sure.

After you, you gorgeous things.

Thank you.

This is what you broke your heart over?

I like my men basic.

Yup.

Oh!

Now, the next up in our talent show is Fonzie and Jenny.

What are you going to do, Fonz?

You've got to show them.

And you've got to do something and keep
them with a costume.

What are you going to do as a bride and groom?

Watch it.

All right, I'll tell you something.

You want to really show them?

Yeah.

The guy's a priest, right?

Yeah.

All right, let's go and have a make-believe wedding.

Oh, yeah.

All right, you up for this?

I am.

All right, let's do it.

All right, Fonz and Jenny are going to
have a make-believe wedding.

What are you doing here?

I'm your best duck.

Of course, I see.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to
join this young man and young woman.

And then, and then Jenny said, you blew it, buzzard bird.

I'm telling you guys, it was great.

Hey, you're really a hero, Fonz.

It's all in a day's work, right?

Oh, f*ck.

You got to show the marriage certificate.

All right, here, take a gander, take a gander.

What, what?

Does that look real or what?

Oh, it sure does.

You performed the ceremony?

Oh, no, no, the host, Captain Singer did.

Captain Singer?

Yeah, he owns a boat.

Yeah, and he's dressed like a freak, you know.

Potsie, let me see this for a minute.

This Captain Singer, he performed the entire ceremony?

Yeah, I was best duck.

You were a great duck.

You think so?

Oh, thanks.

Come on, Fonz, I hate to be the bearer of ill-tidings.

Why are you talking about ill-tidings?

I'm about to tell you.

If this guy is really a captain, I hate to say this, but
you and Jenny Piccalo, you might actually be married.

All right, no more dancing.

Why don't you tell me very, very slow,
with only one detail out?

Look, I'm not absolutely sure,
but I studied pre-law in school.

I think a marriage performed on the high
seas by the captain of the vessel is legal.

A marriage performed by a captain of a
vessel on the high seas is legal, Chachi.

You weren't on the high seas, Fonz.

Yes.

We weren't on the high seas.

A little m*dget lake, you know.

Yeah, and those little m*dget lake
Michigan, it's international waters.

It's the same thing, Fonz.

Lake Michigan is international waters.

It's the same thing, Chachi.

You should know better than to do something like that.

Yeah, right.

The captain's got to know better than to
do something like that.

He was drinking.

That's right.

That's right, I remember.

He jumped in the punch bowl and yelled, man overboard.

Hey, look, I've still got some of those books.

Let me go home and check.

I might be wrong, but Fonz, law was one of
my best subjects.

What are you still standing here for?

Come on.

Go, go, go, go, go.

You're crazy.

Wow, the Fonz married.

Hi, Fonz.

I've been calling you for two hours.

I went down to the library to double check.

Yeah, all right, fine.

Now just tell me what it is.

All right, look, I've got some good news
and I've got some bad news.

Right, right, right.

The bad news is I think you and Jenny Piccalo are married.

Well, in that case, Roger, the good news
better be very, very, very, very good.

Well, the good news is I called Jenny's house.

She wasn't home.

But I talked to her sister and I explained everything.

The way I got it figured, as soon as Jenny
realizes what's happened here,

Fonz, the two of you will get a big laugh out of it.

And you can get the marriage annulled.

Of course, I forgot to know.

Yeah, the sun will shine and the cows will blossom.

She'll understand.

She's going to understand.

Hey, hey, come on in here.

Hi, hubby.

I'm home.

I don't think she understands.

From 1960s Mayberry to Lanford, Illinois in the


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Hey, Dad, what are you doing?

Making a little snack.

Come on, plenty of room.

How come you fold yours over like that?

I don't know.

I guess it's because that's the way my dad used to do it.

And I always wanted to do everything just like him.

That's silly.

It's more than just that great peanut taste.

Choosing Jif is a small, simple way of
letting someone know you care.

Choosing moms and dads.

Dads choose Jif.

Oh, good morning, Pumpkin.

Pumpkin?

Well, yes, that's my new little nickname for you.

Now, how about a good morning, Kissy Kissy?

Hey, look, let's put that pucker right on hold, huh?

What are you still doing here?

Well, you know, you don't really have to
sleep anywhere but home now.

I mean, now that I'm Mrs. Fonzie...
Don't say... Don't do this to me.

I thought if I stayed down at the...
I thought if I stayed down at the...

Seas, you know, that, uh, you wake up this
morning and you realize you're just having

sport with the Fonz, you know,
just gonna have a good laugh.

What do you think of this fabric, Fonz?

I picked it up this morning, you know, I
think it's gonna do wonders for the windows.

What's it do to my place here?

Where are my trophies?

And my pictures?

What did you do to my pictures?

The pictures of all those trashy girls?

Oh, I threw them out.

You just threw them out?

You won't be needing them anymore, dear.

And your address books, too.

You threw my address books out?

No, I burned them.

You're a little irked, aren't you?

Well, that's normal.

This all happened so fast for you, dear,
but I'm gonna make you a wonderful wife.

You learned to love me.

Well, we'll have babies, and there'll be diapers to change.

You could sell your bike, and we could get a station wagon.

Oh, you're so physical.

Don't worry, darling.

Soon you'll be as happy as I am.

I love you.

Going to work now, dear?

Yes, I am.

Back at seven?

Back at seven.

Then pick up some milk on your way home.

Some milk.

f*ck in.

No kissy-kissy-bye-bye.

How silly of me.

I forgot kissy-kissy.

I found your wife called.

Don't you ever say that to me again!

Calm down.

What's the matter?

You love yourself, huh?

I don't feel good.

Come on, sit down.

Sit down.

Come on.

That's a boy.

Fine.

Can I get something for you?

A divorce, Al?

Would you like Claire to make a nice, jello woman for me?

What for, Al?

I'm married.

Oh, look who came to see you.

It's Jolie and Chachi.

I haven't seen him since I was single.

This is pathetic.

I'll tell you, I am really mad at Jenny.

That's it.

I am not loaning her any more records.

Oh, good idea.

That'll teach her.

I think I have to get out of town, you know.

I think I need a vacation.

That's a good idea, Fonz.

Matter of fact, why not k*ll two birds with one stone?

Make it a honeymoon.

Clarence needs me.

I just gotta get out of here.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm a married man.

Come on in,

Mr. C.

You know, you're our first house guest.

Why don't you let me get you a cup of coffee, Mr. C?

I want to be a good homemaker.

Okay, I'll have a cup.

I suppose your parents were pretty
surprised when you told them, huh?

Yeah, they thought I was already married.

You see, they confused me with my sister.

There's so many of us, it's hard to keep track.

Listen, you know, Jenny, sometimes kids your
age aren't very happy at home for different reasons.

Maybe it's too crowded or parents fight a little bit.

Or they fight a lot.

Right, yeah.

Well, they figure that anything is better than this,
so to get out of the house, they do something drastic.

They run away from home.

They join the Marines.

Or they get married.

Yeah.

Hmm.

Well, the point is that you can get out of
the Marines after a couple of years,

but marriage is a much longer hitch.

And when one person doesn't love the other one, well...

Anyway, I didn't mean to take up all your
time or your coffee.

But, Jenny...

I don't think you can make yourself happy
by making somebody else miserable.

Excuse me.

Uh, thanks, really, Mr. C., but I have to go freshen up.

Pumpkin will be home soon.

In one ear and out the other.

Mr. C., nice to see you.

Fonzie.

Hey, where's that little bride of Frankenstein?

She just went in the bathroom to freshen up.

Oh, yeah?

This will freshen her right up.

What?

What's that?

These are my papers to Singlesville.

That's right.

I went down to talk to that captain on the ship.

Actually, I went down there to drown him.

Actually, a very interesting came up.

You can only be legally married three miles offshore.

We never got half a mile offshore.

Those two and a half miles make me a very free man.

You're kidding.

Hey, I had it signed by the captain.

I had it notarized and blessed by a priest.

Why is it wet?

Oh, those are tears of joy, Mr. C., tears of joy.

Yeah, I'm going to give her a walk in papers.

Fonzie.

What is it?

Why haven't you thrown her out before this?

Why, it's all right.

I was married.

I had an obligation, right?

No.

No?

Uh-uh.

You see, most guys, married or not, would
have thrown her out for the way she's been acting.

But you happen to be a nice guy,
and you didn't want to hurt her feelings.

So why start now, huh?

Be gentle, as I know you can.

I'll get you a drift.

I'll see you later, pumpkin.

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Hello.

Hey, how you doing, Jenny?

Listen, uh, I wanted to, uh...

What?

Know what that smell is.

That is a very delicious smell in here.

Oh, all I made a big salad and a stew with lots of veggies.

And a complete full of my... Don't be ridiculed, Doc.

It smells great in here.

Let's eat.

Come on.

Fonz, I'm leaving.

I'm so sorry for everything that I've done to you.

You see, I thought by being married I'd be
able to get rid of all of my problems.

But I only made different problems.

So let me just sign the annulment papers
and you'll be rid of Jenny Piccalo.

Banana cake.

Park, you said.

Come on, Jenny.

You must have known this is not cool from
the very beginning, right?

You're 17 years old.

You've got your whole life ahead of you.

What are you doubting yourself for?

Come on.

I'm telling you right now, you're going to
find that real pumpkin.

He's going to come right in here.

He's going to sweep you right off your sneakers.

You really think so?

Hey, you're talking to Fonz now.

I happen to be an authority on affairs of
the art and loom jobs.

Talking about loom jobs, what is that?

Oh, I made it.

Not bad.

It's bad.

Very, very bad.

Yeah, I know.

I know, but I'm practicing.

And as soon as the next guy comes along,
I'm going to be ready.

That's what I want to hear.

Huh?

Thank you, Fonz.

Thank you for being so nice to me and not throwing me out.

You know, I'm going to go downstairs and thank Mr. C.

He's not bad for a father.

Trust me.

He's the king of fathers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

See you, Fonz.

Oh.

Take it easy, pumpkin.

Thank you.

Goodbye, gray sky, hello, blue.

There's nothing that can hold me when I hold you.

It feels so right, it can't be wrong.

Rocking and rolling all day long.

These days are all happy and free.

Did you know Gene Hackman was up for the
role of Mike Brady in The Brady Bunch?

Now, as far as we know, Robert Reed was not up
for the role of Popeye Doyle in The French Connection.

Up next, it's Brady Bunch number 82,
Career Fever, on TV Land.

Thank you.