02x01 - Talk Dirty to Me

[bunniefuu]

["Everybody Needs A Best Friend"
by Norah Jones playing]

♪ My words are lazy ♪
♪ My thoughts are hazy ♪

♪ But this is one thing ♪
♪ I'm sure of ♪

♪ Everybody needs ♪
♪ A best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

Patrick Stewart: Thank you.
And thank you to Salt-N-Pepa.

Thank you, Bernie Kopell!
Thank you to...

-Hey, what's the most f*cked-up

host-musical guest combo
you can think of?

-Uh, Buzz Aldrin
and Kris Kross.

-Oh. That's good.

Joan Didion and Whitesnake.

-David Duke
and the Wu-Tang Clan.

-Judge Lance Ito and the B-52s.

-Ted Kennedy
and the Dead Kennedys.

-[chuckles] That's the one.

-That's good. Right?
-Yeah.

-Another Saturday night
alone in my room.

Why won't you call me?

[chuckling]

I'm so lonely,
and I want you so bad.



Only $3.99 per minute.

-Oh, man, she's so hot.

I wish we could call
one of those numbers.

-You want to?
-What, are you kidding?

My dad would k*ll us
if we called a 900 number.

-Hey, wait a second.
Maybe there's an 800 version.

You know, where it's free.
Try 1-800.

-Okay.

[keypad beeping]

[line ringing]

man: American Airlines,
how may I help you?

-Aw. Wait, are you horny?

man: Uh, I don't know.
A little, I guess.

-Oh.

-You might have better luck
calling United.

I think they're pretty horny
over there.

-Okay. Thank you.

-No problem. Stay hard, man.

-Yeah. You too.

♪ It's showtime ♪

♪ At the Apollo ♪

-Oh, a white guy doing stand-up.
This should go well.

[bright music playing]

[school bell ringing]

-Ah, f*ck. Third period.

I f*ck' hate gym class.

I'm always worried my d*ck's
gonna fall out of my shorts,

and then it never does.

And that doesn't
feel good either.

-How do you think I feel?

Hey, why don't we go smoke
in the supply closet?

[students chattering]

-Huh.
-What the hell?

-Oh, yeah. It's because
the janitor hung himself

in there last week.

-Oh, yeah.

It's weird. He was so happy
when he told us

he had 25 grand
riding on the Pats game.

-Hey, what about the basement?

Anybody k*ll themselves
down there?

-Not that I know of.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, look at that.

-What?
Ted: There's a phone.

-Just a random phone
down here in the basement?

-Yeah.

[gasps] Johnny.

both [in unison]:


[dial tone]

-There's a dial tone.
-[gasps]

[keypad beeping]

[line ringing]

female voice:
Welcome to 1-900-1HOT-BUTT.

Please stand by
for sexy phone fun.

There are two masturbators
ahead of you.

-Holy sh*t.
-Holy f*ck. Holy f*ck.

-Holy sh*t, Teddy.
-Holy f*ck. Holy f*ck

woman [on phone]:
Hi. Who's this?

-John.
-Don't use your real name.

-Uh, Jon. No "H."

-Hey, sexy. I'm Shauna.

-Uh, hey, Shauna.

Are you the girl
from the commercial?

Shauna: That depends.

Was she a naughty brunette
with huge t*ts?

-No, she was a blonde
with more like B cups.

Shauna: Yeah. That's me.

Tell me,
what would you do to me

if you were here right now?

-Y-You mean, like, sex-wise?

Shauna: Oh, we can do anything
you want, baby.

-Okay, well, I touch your boob.

Shauna [moaning]:
Oh, my God.

-A-And then,
and then I touch the other one.

Shauna [screaming]:
Oh, God! Slow down.

-Teddy, cut it out.
You're hurting her.

-Oh, sh*t. Is it too much?

I'm just trying to have fun.

Shauna, teach us
how to be good lovers.

[Shauna screams]

["Call Me" by Blondie playing]

[inaudible]

♪ Color me your color, baby ♪

♪ Color me your car ♪

[inaudible]

♪ Color me ♪
♪ Your color, darling ♪

♪ I know who you are ♪

♪ Come up off ♪
♪ Your color chart ♪

♪ I know where ♪
♪ You're coming from ♪

-♪ Call me ♪
-♪ Call me ♪

♪ On the line ♪

♪ Call me, call me ♪
♪ Any, anytime ♪

-♪ Call me ♪
-♪ Call me ♪

♪ I'll arrive ♪

♪ You can call me ♪

♪ Any day or night ♪

♪ Call me ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Call me ♪

[owl hooting]

-Hey, Teddy.

Hot butt.

-[laughing]
-[chuckling]

-Hey. Hot buttered butt.

-Oh. That's good.

-We know.
-You're crazy.

-You boys sure have been
in a good mood lately.

-Oh, yeah.
-Oh, yeah.

-Hey, do you know
if Becky called today?

-Who's Becky?

-Well, I've started
tutoring kids

for some extra money,
and she's one of my students.

She's nervous about
her English test,

so I said she could call me.

-Matty, she is
the most adorable little girl.

-Told you I don't want
to know about any new people.

-[telephone ringing]
-Oh, there she is.

Hello.

What do you want? [sighs]

[giggles] You're f*ck'
kidding me, right?

No.

Uh, did you hear me?
I said no.

I don't know,
do you want me to list

the, uh, ten billion
f*ck' reasons why?

No. Go f*ck yourself.

[receiver slams]

-Was that Becky?

-Uh, no.

No, th-that was my dad.

-Bernie? What did he want?

-He wants to come visit.

-Bernie's coming here?
Holy sh*t!

That's great.
It's about f*ck' time.

-No, no, I have told him
over and over again

that I don't want
to see him. Ever.

-You're talking about
your own g*dd*mn father.

-H-He said he wants
to make things right

between the two of us.

I'm not f*ck' interested,
okay?

-I don't want him here.
Matty: Whoa.

Whoa, whoa. Hey.

Bernie can visit here
whenever he wants, all right?

This is my house,
and he's my big brother.

-Yeah? Well, he's my dad,
and he's a raging as*h*le.

I'd appreciate
if you just stayed out of this.

-f*ck that. You know what?
I'm calling him,

and I'm telling him
he can come here

and he can stay
as long as he wants.

-No, Matty, wait.
Please don't do this.

-My own brother is not gonna be
unwelcome in my home.

-[dial tone]
-[keypad beeping]

-You really hate him that much?

-If he steps foot in this house,
I'm f*ck' out of here.

-I can't wait to hear
Shauna's take on all this.

[♪♪♪]

[students chattering]

[line ringing]

-Hi, this is Candy.
Who's this?

-Oh, uh, hi, Candy.
We normally talk to Shauna.

Candy:
Shauna's not on call today.

And not because of A*DS.

-Oh, okay. We didn't ask.

Candy:
Legally, you're not allowed to.

Anyway, it's just me, Candy.

You know, like,
sweet and sticky.

-Well, gosh, Candy,
you sound great,

but we've spent a lot of time
talking to Shauna.

There's a certain intimacy
that develops,

and I'm concerned
you won't be able to keep up

with the rapport we've built.

Candy: You want me
to talk about blowing ya?

-Okay. You're up to speed.

Candy: So, what's your fantasy?

-I'm the hottest record producer
in the business,

and you're a total nobody.

What are you gonna do for me?

-Jesus.
-What?

-That's f*ck' dark.

-Well, how would you do it?

-Hi. I'm a struggling
record producer,

and I need your talents
on my label.

We're artists first,

and you will own
your own publishing rights.

Candy: Okay.
And then I take my clothes off.

-Keep 'em on, honey.
I don't want nothin'

to get in the way
of my business.

Which is making hit records.
Candy: Uh--

-You know who else I discovered
through phone sex?

Huey Lewis.

He was just like you,

suckin', f*ck',
doing it all for a dime.

That's what
Power of Love is about.

Like that.

-I think I lost my b*ner.

-Good. We got songs to write.

[♪♪♪]

-Who, or rather what,
was the Ice Man?

Most people assumed
it was just...

-[knocking on door]
-[footsteps clomping]

Stack: An entertaining illusion
created by a master showman.

[birds chirping]

-Hey, f*ck!
-Hey!

-I brought you Coors! On tap!

-Ah! Bernie,
you son of a b*tch!

-I got you.
-You got me good.

Bernie: Come on,
give me a hug, you prick.

-Yeah. Careful. Ow!

-Hug me for real,
you rotten b*stard.

Listen, don't act
like you don't know me.

-I know you.

-I love you, you c*m guzzler.

Why don't you go guzzle some
f*ck' c*m, you big q*eer?

-It's fun to have company.

-Bernie.

Hi!

I blew up an air mattress
for you in the attic,

and I put an Andes candy
on your pillow.

-Oh, yeah. Is that how
Matty freshens his breath

after chugging spunk?

-Ah!
-[laughing]

-Wow. It's like having
Bob Newhart in the house.

-Susie, why do you stay
with this f*ck' nut hair?

-I love this guy.

-I thought Denise
was coming with you.

-Eh, we got in a fight on 128,
so she jumped out of the car.

-Oh.
-But speaking of Bennett broads,

there is my princess.

Hiya, Blaire.

-Nope, nope, nope. I'm out.

-Blaire, that's your father.
Say a proper hello.

-Seriously, Matty,
stay out of this.

-Blaire's right.
I deserve the cold shoulder.

I gotta earn
my daughter's respect.

That's why I'm here.
There you go, Johnny.

You're old enough now.
-Gee, thanks.

Susie: Johnny, absolutely not.

That'll stunt your growth.

That is what happened
to the little man

on the Fantasy Islands.

-Hi, Bernie. Ted.

I remember you from
when you shot all those cats.

-Hey, that was Christmas Eve.
I get to do what I want.

Right, Matty?
-Ow!

Damn it! Knock it off, Bernie.

-Me? You're the one
who's hitting your ba*ls, Matty.

-I'm not. Don't--
[groaning in pain]

[both grunt]

-Stop hitting your ba*ls!
-[Matty continues screaming]

Stop hitting your ba*ls, Matty!

[laughing]

-I will be in my room
screaming into a pillow.

-Okay.

[pants]

-Ah, f*ck, I took a sh*t.

[♪♪♪]

-So who do you like better,
Candy or Shauna?

-I think I like Shauna better.

Candy's coughing fits
kinda take me out of it.

-Yeah. You know, I'm actually
a little worried about her.

-I know.

Also, I hope
Heather's son found a kidney.

-Well, she said they did,
but then it fell

out of the helicopter.

-Thank God we make
these women c*m so much.

Otherwise, they'd be miserable.

-[dial tone]
-[keypad beeping]

-[line ringing]
-[beeping]

automated voice: The number
you have dialed is blocked.

[suspenseful music playing]

[students chattering]

-What do you think it means?

-I don't know.

-Johnny, what if--

What if the school found out
about the sex line

and they blocked the number,
and now we're in trouble?

-Look, let's not get crazy,
okay? It's probably nothing.

-Everyone, quiet down
and listen up.

It has been brought
to my attention

that someone at this school

has made a series
of extremely inappropriate calls

to an adult phone line.

They used a telephone
on school property,

and we have received
a bill for nearly $5,000.

[students gasping, laughing]

-Quiet!
-[laughter stops]

This is a serious

and obscene violation
of school policy,

and I can promise you
that whoever did it

will be caught,

held financially responsible,

and expelled.

We are conducting
a full investigation

led by the Massachusetts
Board of Education.

Mr. Lawrence.

[sighs]

[clicks tongue]

-My name is Avery Lawrence.

I'm the Board of Education's
deputy inspector general.

Whoever made these calls,

it'll be much easier for you

if you come forward now.

All right.
We'll do it the hard way.

But know this.

Statistically,
most masturbators are caught

within the first 48 hours.

[♪♪♪]

-Teddy, what the f*ck
are we gonna do?

Our lives are gonna be ruined.

-Look, we just gotta
stay cool, okay?

They got no idea it was us.

And if we just wait it out,

they got to give up eventually.

-Oh, my God,
did you guys hear what happened?

-What?
-Principal Bernard says

they're canceling
Senior Skip Day

until they catch
the masturbator.

-Oh, my God.
Cameron: Who did it?

Who's the jackoff
who called the phone sex line?

Listen up, you m*therf*cker!

We waited four years to skip
a day of school

in a manner sanctioned

by the Massachusetts
Board of Education

and scheduled
into the academic curriculum.

And one of you little perverts
f*cked it all up.

Who was it? Who made the calls?

Show your f*cking face!

-You can't hide from us!

-We're gonna find you,
masturbator!

And when we do, you're dead.

-k*ll the masturbator!

[group] k*ll the masturbator!

[students] k*ll the masturbator!

k*ll the masturbator!

k*ll the masturbator!

k*ll the masturbator!

[all yelling]

[dramatic music playing]

[birds chirping]

-I just don't understand
what Lyle Lovett sees

in that Julia Roberts.

He could have any woman alive.
-What?

-Oh, he needs to settle down
and not get caught up

in that Hollywood rat race.

-Hey, hey, what's this?

A meeting of the best-looking
people in the house.

I should fit right in!

[laughs]

-Oh, Bernie, you're so funny.

I still think you should get
a ventriloquist dummy.

Oh, you'd be so funny with it.

-Hey, hey, you mind
if me and Blaire talk

in private for a minute?

-Oh, of course, of course.

I need to go and cube
some fruit for tonight's Jell-O.

We're having green.

-No, no. No, no, no.
Aunt Suse, you stay.

Anything you want to say to me,
you can say in front of her.

Okay. [chuckles] Fine.

Your mother didn't jump
out of the car on the highway.

She left me...

over a bunch of sh*t
that was not even my fault.

Blaire: I don't care
what the reason was.

You are a belligerent,
untreated alcoholic

who needs help.

And until you get some,

you and I have nothing
to say to each other.

-Blaire, this time is different.

You come home with me,

and I'll prove it to you.

-Come home?
Bernie: Yeah.

I want you to come back
and live with me, Blaire.

-You mean come back and cook
your f*ck' meals for you?

-Okay. Okay.

Okay.

I can see I still gotta win
you over,

but I will.

You'll see.

-Oh, Blaire.

Maybe you should give him
a second chance.

According to People magazine,

Jerry Seinfeld made up
with his daughter.

Oh, my.

[♪♪♪]

[students chattering]

[door opens]

-Andrew. Polly.
What happened in there?

-Mr. Lawrence is interrogating
students in pairs

because he thinks there was
a team of masturbators.

-Wait, he-- he does?

-He said from the angle
of the jizz,

there had to be
a second sh**ter.

-I don't even jizz.

-Bear. Boy.

You're next.

Hey.

One at a time.

[lighter clinks, flint strikes]

Tuesday,

September 20th,



where were you?

-Study hall.

-Mm.

I see. Unstructured time.

Teacher doesn't usually notice
if you're not there.

Good chance
to sneak off for a cigarette.

You know? A hot butt?

Do you like a hot butt, John?

You jealous,
seeing me enjoy this hot butt?

Do you wish you had access
to a hot butt like mine?

-Should there be
another grown-up in here?

-Your friend in the other room

already fingered you
for the crime.

So you can stop
jerking me around.

If you come clean,
I'll help get you off.

-I-- I can't tell if you're
deliberately saying stuff

that's masturbation-adjacent
or, um--

-If you know who did this
and you give us names,

the Board of Education
will make it worth your while.

-Like what?

-With things
you've never dreamed of.

Like this pencil

with an eraser
shaped like a star.

Read what it says
on the side of the pencil.

-It says "star student."

-Star student.

We've ordered
recordings of the calls.

When they arrive,

we'll play them
over the school's PA system.

Unless you confess now.

-You can't do that,
Mr. Lawrence.

-The hell I can't.

-Oh, no.
No, like, you really can't.

The PA system's busted.

Everything in this school
is broken.

-And yet some b*stard
decides to stick the school

with a phone bill for $5,000!

Who cares
if everything is broken?

Who cares
if this chair is broken?

Who cares if the whole
g*dd*mn system is broken?

[sighs deeply]

Can you not tell
anybody I did that?

I'm not supposed
to break any more chairs.

-Okay.

-Can you help me
put it back together?

-[crickets chirping]
-[dog barking in distance]

-Uh, for the love
of Christ, Susan,

hurry up with
that sitz bath, huh?

Feels like somebody
microwaved a hairbrush

and shoved it in my as*h*le.

-Dr. Larson warned you
not to push so hard.

-Oh. [sighs]

-Bath time! [laughs]

I got you again, m*therf*cker!

Matty [screams]: Holy sh*t!

[laughs sarcastically]
You prick!

[laughing]

God, you're dead!
I'm gonna get you for that!

Bernie, come back here!

I'm gonna get you for that!
[groans]

-[groans]
-[Bernie laughs]

-Look at my little brother
with his a*s out!

You look like Winnie-the-Pooh!

Where's Ted? Hey, Ted!

It's your boyfriend,
Winnie-the-Pooh,

ready for you
to f*ck him in the a*s!

-I'm totally gonna
get you for that!

[both scream]

You m*therf*cker! Put me down!

Bernie: f*ck you, you fat f*ck!
-Ow!

[all scream]

-What the f*ck
is going on in here?

-Hey, Blaire, you wanna
buy a sack of a*s?

Matty: Put me down, Bernie.
Bernie: What?

Susan wanted me
to get a puppet. Huh?

I'm Sammy Davis Jr.
I only got one brown eye.

-Jesus Christ, Dad,
put him down.

-What? We're just roughhousing.

-No. You're roughhousing.
He's not.

You're being a f*ck' bully.

-Uh, Matty, am I bullying you?

-No. We're just
messing around, Blaire.

-Put him the f*ck down.

-Whoa! Language.

All right. Fine.

Jeez!
-Oh, okay. [chuckles]

I-I really-- I really do gotta
do that hemorrhoid bath.

-[laughs] All right,
go fix your goofy bum, Candyman.

[Bernie and Matty laugh]

-For Christ's sake,
go wash your hands.

-Why? He's my brother!

-Yeah, I'm his brother.

[♪♪♪]

-Lawrence knows it's us,
I'm sure of it.

-We can't pay back $5,000.
What are we gonna do?

-Go to prison, that's what.

Holy sh*t.
We're gonna get Shawshanked.

-We gotta find a way outta here

or the warden's gonna
have us shot in the prison yard.

-Don't worry, Johnny, I've been
digging a hole in the wall

for the past six months.

We can escape through it.

-What the f*ck?

-Yeah. Now we can
get outta here.

-You said you dug that for us?
-Yeah.

-I can't fit through there.

You-- You made that for you.

-No, it's for both of us.

-It's literally shaped
exactly like you.

-Ah, no, it's not.
-It's got f*ck' ears.

-All right, boys,
you're coming with me.

The sisters are gonna
have their way with you.

-See ya.

-Wait a minute. That's it.

-What?
-We do a Shawshank.

-How will being sodomized
off-camera solve our problem?

-No, no, we do
what Andy Dufresne did.

We invent a fake person.

-[gasps] A fake student
who confesses to the crime.

-Exactly.
-That's the answer.

But it's gonna
take some planning.

We better get some sleep.

-Right.

Hey, Teddy.
We're in this together, right?

I mean, you'd never
really sell me out.

-No, never, Johnny.

[students chattering]

[♪♪♪]

We know the name
of the masturbator.

His name is
Jeremy Schwarzfinger.

-And who is
Jeremy Schwarzfinger?

-[scoffs] Only the worst kid

who's ever gone
to John Hancock High.

-Three years ago,

Jeremy vandalized
the entire school.

You see? Look at this desk.

[sniffs]

-You said Jeremy
did this three years ago.

-That's right.

-This is a fresh carving.

-H-- How can you tell?

-Because it's in the shape
of the Sublime logo.

And no one in Framingham

was listening to Sublime
before 1992,

when their debut studio album,


rocked the charts.

Do you know what I think?

I think you two carved this

moments before I walked in here

with the knife
that's in your back pocket.

You boys feel that sensation
in your throats?

That's the noose tightening.

[tense music playing]

-Why'd you have to go
with the f*ck' Sublime logo?

-I don't know, I just thought
maybe Jeremy likes Sublime.

-What, do you got a backstory
for this f*ck' kid?

-No, no, I'm just--
Hold on a second, Teddy.

You might be
onto something here.

-What?
-We give Jeremy a backstory.

A school file on paper.

We make it so detailed
that it becomes undeniable.

I don't wanna just know
this guy's name.

I wanna know
what he jizzed for breakfast.

-Jizzed for breakfast?

-You know what I mean.

-No, I don't.

And I don't think I wanna
be your friend anymore.

[birds chirping]

-Okay. What?

-Guess what this is.

-Um, the crate of Wild Turkey

you're gonna drink
before bed tonight?

-Even better.

What do you think?

-What the f*ck is it?

-It's a dollhouse.

You always wanted one
when you were a kid.

So I stayed up all night
building it.

-Oh, thanks.
I've always wanted tetanus.

[sighs]

-Fine. I'm the bad guy.

No matter what I do,
it's not good enough.

And I-- And I should
never, ever be forgiven.

-Okay, all right. All right.

It's a nice gesture.

Thank you.
Bernie: Now we're talking.

Come home with me.

If you do,
I know your mother will too.

-Wait.

That's what this is all about?

Getting Mom back?

-Yeah!

Because then
we'll be a family again.

And that's all I want, Blaire,
I swear to God.

[sighs]

-I'll think about it.
On one condition.

-Anything.
-Just go easier on Matty.

All right? I don't like
the way you treat him.

And I never wanna see
his as*h*le again.

-I will be more respectful
to my little brother.

-Thank you.

[suspenseful music playing]

[♪♪♪]

-[objects clattering]
-[footsteps approaching]

-Oh, sh*t!

[suspenseful music continues]

-[both gasp]
-What are you doing down there?

-Uh, we just--
-Oh, no, no, no, no.

-[overlapping chatter]
-Mr. Lawrence,

I don't think I've ever done
anything in my life, actually.

-Nothing. We were just
messing around, is all.

-Speak.
-We found Jeremy's file.

The really bad kid
who definitely exists.

-All the details
about him are right here.

He even has a full mustache
as a teenager.

He's that bad. Look.

-I don't need to look

because I don't believe
there is a Jeremy.

I believe the two of you
made the sex calls.

Do you know what this is?

-Is that one of
those things they put

pizzas in the oven with?

-It's a masturbator paddle.

-Ew! And that's what they're
putting the pizzas in with?

-It was used to beat sinners

at the Holy Child
Catholic School in Newburyport.

And when I prove the two of you
made the calls,

you both will know the pain
of the paddle.

I'm watching you.

[tense music playing]

We'll get them, Beatrice.

We'll get them.

-What the f*ck do we do now?
He's gonna get us.

-We gotta make Jeremy real.
-How?

-Everybody at school's gotta
see him with their own eyes.

I got an idea.

-Susan, the casserole
is exquisite.

-Thank you, Bernie.

-Well, I'm gonna raise my glass

'cause Blaire and me
got a big announcement.

-We do?

-Blaire's moving back home!

[overlapping chatter]

[chatter continues]
-...I'm gonna be pissed.

-It's Rachel, Monica, Phoebe,
in that order. Oh.

-Okay. Hold on, hold on.

I have not made
any decision yet.

I'm considering
moving back home,

but I've not decided a thing.

-Come on. You know you're in.

And, hey, you better
watch out, Matty.

I might take
Susan home with me too.

-[mouths] Oh!
-Ha! Ah, come on.

-Be honest, Susan.
You were into me first.

-Oh. Bernie, stop.

-Bernie, just keep it
to yourself, huh?

-Well, it's true.
You know, Johnny,

another ten minutes
behind that A&P with Susan,

I might have been your father.

Blaire: Hey! Hey!
Matty: Bernie.

-Apologize to her.
-Huh?

-You f*ck' heard me.

Apologize to Susan right now.

And then apologize to Matty

for every single f*ck' thing
you've done since you got here.

-Hey. Whoa, whoa.

Bernie: We're brothers, Blaire.

We give each other the business.

-That's not what this is.

It's completely one-sided,
and you're a f*ck' bully.

-Blaire, come on.

-Jesus Christ!

We're just trying
to have a few laughs.

-Okay. You don't
wanna apologize?

Then get out.
-Blaire, knock it off.

He-- He's just messing around.
Bernie: Yeah.

Don't twist your panties.
It was a joke.

f*ck it.

[screams]

-Oh, sh*t!

Bernie: Oh, g*dd*mn it!

The f*ck is wrong with you?

-Relax, Dad.
We're just roughhousing.

You know,
giving each other the business.

-You know what, Blaire?
f*ck you!

You know, you're not
allowed back home.

You're disinvited.

You're a psycho,
just like your mother.

g*dd*mn it!

-Hey. Bernie, wait!

[door slams shut]

-Matty, which order would you
f*ck the women from Friends?

[students chattering]

[♪♪♪]

[indistinct conversations]

Hey, everybody.
Jeremy's outside.

You gotta come see
what he's gonna do.

-Who?
-Jeremy.

You know that really bad kid
who goes here?

The one who was really
into Sublime even before 1992?

-Okay?

-Jeremy's gonna
do a jump on his BMX.

He's jumping over three cars.
Three cars?

Yeah, three cars.

Everybody, come watch Jeremy.

[indistinct overlapping chatter]

[♪♪♪]

There he is. There's Jeremy.

[♪♪♪]

I can't believe that kid
we go to school with

is attempting this awesome jump.

Let's all chant his name.

Jeremy!

all [chanting]: Jeremy! Jeremy!

Jeremy! Jeremy! Jeremy!

[suspenseful music playing]

[all gasp]

[groans]

[all cheering]

[groaning]

-I've known Jeremy for years.

We're really close.
-I've known him longer.

He's my best friend.

-I've been dating Jeremy
since the sixth grade.

-Jeremy's wealthy parents are
taking us to Europe this summer.

-Jeremy blew me at a sleepover
and told me not to tell anyone.

-Well, hey there, everybody.

I was just in the bathroom

relieving myself
of the day's waste.

Kind of a rough one,
as you can see.

What's going on out here?

-Oh, hey, John.

Jeremy, that kid
we go to school with

made a badass jump,

and now everyone's saying

they did a**l with him
and stuff.

-Now, that is crazy,

'cause I saw Jeremy
this morning,

and he gave me this letter
in case he died.

[clears throat]

"To whom it may concern,

I called the phone sex line


-[gasps]
-"I can't live with the shame,

so I wanted to perform
one last awesome act,

then disappear into hiding.

Sincerely,
Jeremy Schwarzfinger."

Seems I owe you boys an apology.

-Yeah, you were
a real f*ck' d*ck.

And you got totally proved wrong
in front of the whole school.

-I will find you, Jeremy.

If it takes me
the rest of my days,

I will find you...

and I will k*ll you.

-Well, Teddy,
looks like we did it.

student: Let's go.

[students chattering]

[♪♪♪]

-Do you understand
why your mother and your sister

feel this way, though?

guest [on TV]: Yes, I do.
They worry about me.

But it's time
that I-- I mature...

-Hey.
guest: ... and I have to learn

from my experiences.

-Hey.
Sally Jessy Raphael: Okay.

-Beer?
-Sure.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

Sally: You said, uh--

Do you have
respect for yourself?

guest: Yes, I do.

Sally: If you dress like that,
you don't.

Because I have...
-[TV audience cheering]

Right?

I have two daughters,


-Still can't stop thinking about
the look on my brother's face

when you threw
that casserole at him.

[laughs]

Pretty f*ck' good.

[audience applauding on TV]

I was gonna
give him the business,

but you beat me to it.

-Yeah.
-Bennetts, right?

We-- We f*ck' love
messing with each other, right?

-We sure do.

Sally: You're also going
to meet a mother

who says her daughter dresses
and acts like such a tr*mp...

-Hey, Matty?
-Yeah.

-I'm glad I'm here.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

-Hey, did you hear
about this kid, Jeremy?

[♪♪♪]

["Everybody Needs a Best Friend"
by Norah Jones playing]

♪ Oh, you've got a headful ♪
♪ Of someone dreadful ♪

♪ And yet, alas ♪
♪ That someone adores you ♪

♪ Everybody needs ♪
♪ A best friend ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm yours ♪

♪ I'm just a clown ♪

♪ And I'll bring you down ♪

♪ But you just don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause your ♪

♪ Best friend is me ♪

[♪♪♪]