01x05 - Mum

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic music playing on TV]

[TV narrator] The battle lasted
over a month

and involved
more than half a million troops,

{\an8}with estimates of over 100,000 casualties
on each side.

Humans are sh*t without g*ns, aren't they?

What do you mean?

Well, look at the way the useless f*ck
hunt, you know what I mean?

Can't do a f*cking thing.

Hunting's fine, you know what I mean?
It's noble.

But you should do it
with the weapons you were born with.

Humans are so sh*t.
"Well, we need a g*n!" Put the g*n down.

Let's see you fight the f*cking lion now.
Or bullfighting.

I love it when any animal kills a human.

Like when a shark takes a chunk out
of some Australian on a surfboard.

- f*ck yeah.
- f*cking love all that.

What's your favorite way
to see a human die?

Oh, the old hang-wank.
Gotta be, innit? Hangle-wangle.

- Why do they do that?
- Why?

- [Gus] Yeah.
- 'Cause it's well f*cking horny.

What? You're hanging yourself,
and you're w*nk*ng?

- What's hanging got to do with w*nk*ng?
- Take it right to the f*cking edge.

Then, "Oh dear!"

Three cherries, jackpot! Night, night.

Nut allergy's good.

How f*cking useless are you that
you're gonna die if a nut comes near you?

- f*cking die if Puke's nuts come near you.
- Yeah, that's true.

[sighs] Easy joke.

I love it when a little f*cking c**t
suicide b*mber goes off

in his aunt's basement
before he can get out to k*ll anyone.

- Yeah.
- Oh, love that.

A bit of paste on the walls, yeah.
Scrape that off. Lovely on a bit of toast.

Or when
some sort of f*cking posh bearded twat

goes up a mountain and goes,

"Oh, oh! Can you rescue me?
Can you rescue me?"

No! Don't go up there, then.

Don't walk up f*cking hills, you c**t.

Volcano.

"Argh!"

"We're getting covered
in f*cking molten rock."

"Some c**t's gonna dig us up
in 1,000 years."

- Maybe you should've moved.
- [Gus] Yeah.

- Oh, this one was w*nk*ng.
- Caught him f*cking w*nk*ng forever.

"Oh God, the magma's coming towards me."

"What can I do?
I've f*cking got me own magma."

Pretty sure he had his dog watching him,
that one, as well.

[laughing]

- [Gus] What's the matter with you?
- Oh, I feel weak.

- Kittens are weak, aren't they?
- No, I feel hot.

And cold and sick and dizzy,

and me eyes are gunky,
and I can't breathe, Gus.

[Gus hesitates, exhales]

[hesitates] Uh…

- Do you want some water?
- Yeah.

{\an8}- All right.
- [Kitten] Yeah.

{\an8}[TV continues playing]

{\an8}Hiya.

Why's everyone so quiet?

- Kitten's ill.
- Oh no!

- She'll be all right.
- Yeah, she'll be good as gold tomorrow.

Shall I get Ponce? He'll know what to do.

Yeah. Yeah, good idea.

[Ponce] Hm.

She probably hasn't had her injections,
as she wandered off when she was so young.

It'll be a cold or cat flu or something.

- Hm. So clever.
- Hm.

So she'll be all right tomorrow, yeah?

- Uh, I don't know.
- What do you mean?

Well, I mean, I don't know.
I don't know everything.

- [Gus groans]
- He knows a lot though.

Well, real wisdom is knowing
that you know nothing.

So…

I think what we have to do
is just keep an eye on her

and just pray that she gets better soon.

[sighs]

[soft music playing]

Shall we, uh, pray?

What? Why?

- Well, Ponce said.
- Yeah.

He also said he doesn't know everything.
f*cking pray.

What god would make
a little kitten this ill?

[music fades]

{\an8}- She'll be all right, won't she?
- Hm.

I mean, I don't know. I hope so.

I've never seen Gus
so worried about anything.

- I have.
- Really?

A spider came down
the chimney once, right?

And he screamed and puffed up twice
the size and nearly had a heart attack.

Wow.

Yeah, you see,
he's not as tough as he makes out.

But, um, no, he's really stepped up
to look after that kitten.

[sighs] He's a nice guy deep down.

Oh, I'd like to look after
my own kittens one day.

Just something to love
and something that'd love me back.

Okay.

Better be soon, though, eh,
or no one will want me.

Yeah, no, they… [inhales]

- They probably won't.
- Oh.

Get a move on, innit?

- The old biological clock.
- Yeah, all right.

Stops for no man or woman, crucially.

Tick, tick, tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

Mm. What a lovely day.

Nimbostratus, I think, that cloud.

Wish I was pregnant.

[shudders]

[soft piano music playing]

[Gus] Right. Listen.

I don't think you exist, right,
and if you do,

you're an absolute arsehole
for letting a little kitten get sick.

For no reason. She's never hurt anyone.

Okay? So here's the deal.

If you exist, just let her get better now.

Then we're cool, okay?

Please.

You can carry on making my life awful
or make it even worse if you want.

I'm used to it.

Probably deserve it, but she doesn't.

So make her better.

Okay? And if you do that, then I'm sorry
for calling you an arsehole.

If you don't do it,
then you either don't exist

or you really are the biggest arsehole
in the f*cking universe.

Amen.

[music fades]

When I didn't feel very well,

my mum would sing to me.

I'd always fall asleep.

♪ Go to sleep, my baby ♪

♪ Close your pretty eyes ♪

♪ Angels up above you ♪

♪ Looking at you dearly from the skies ♪

♪ Great big moon is shining ♪

♪ Stars begin to peep ♪

♪ Time for little dreamy babies ♪

♪ To go to sleep ♪

[snoring]

- [snoring continues]
- [dogs barking]

- [horn beeps]
- [traffic rumbling]

[gentle music playing]

I'm better.

Praise the Lord!

I mean,

thank f*ck it's Friday!

- It's Thursday.
- Clever girl.

[sighs happily]

I had a weird dream.

- [Gus gasps]
- Not as weird as mine.

- What did you dream?
- I was f*cking a penguin.

- Yeah?
- In a glass box.

- How did you get into that situation?
- Well, I fell asleep.

No, I mean in the dream.
How does it start?

I get into a builder's crane.

- Right.
- With a penguin.

And there's a glass box.

And it's attached to a big, meaty chain.

I took the penguin by the flipper,
and we open the door.

- We go in.
- All right.

And the crane lifted the box up
and swung us over the Thames.

- What, like David Blaine?
- Yeah.

I was thinking about him
when I was f*cking the penguin.

- And then what?
- Well, a crowd formed and watched us.

- What did you do?
- Well, I felt nervous, actually.

- 'Cause you were being watched?
- Yeah.

What? Thought you'd be judged
on your sexual prowess?

- Yeah.
- You got one eye on the crowd.

You thought, "Well, I gotta perform."
What was your first move?

Well, I switched the penguin around.
I pushed its face against the glass.

- What, so he was facing the crowd?
- She was facing the crowd.

Right, then what?

I had the best orgasm in London.

- What's it got down there?
- It's like a mince pie.

He's dreamt this.
He doesn't know about penguins suddenly.

Don't ask him about penguin anatomy.
He won't know.

Right. Amazing.

What was your dream, kid?

I dreamt that when I left my house,

instead of crossing
the big road to come here,

I went into the church next door,
and the nice vicar gave me some milk.

Oh, hang on. So your house
is next to a church?

- [Gus gasps]
- Another clue.

- Yeah.
- And a big road?

Yeah, really big.

But there was a bridge, so I went
over that and then I found you guys.

So how long were you walking

after the bridge before you found us
in the graveyard?

- Not long.
- So it's close.

So all we have to do

is find a bridge over a big road
near the graveyard,

go over the bridge, find a church,

and you're home.

Yeah.

[pleasant music playing]

Bridge. Bridge. We need a bridge.

- Then we need a church.
- Gotta be careful on the bridge.

- Why?
- Well, there's no way off.

Once you're on,
the only way off is the other end.

- That's what it's for.
- You're trapped.

- You go on, you come off.
- But you're trapped is my point.

- You're not trapped. You just go across.
- Okay.

- Gus.
- Yo.

- All right?
- Yeah, 'sup?

- What you doing?
- Just rolling with my homies.

Right, was you gonna get in touch with me?

- 'Cause we went out, didn't we?
- Yeah.

- On a date.
- Yeah.

Had a nice time.
I thought we had a nice time.

- We had what we had, yeah?
- Why are you being like that?

Take me or leave me, babe.

- 'Cause he likes you.
- No.

Listen, you dopey little fat twat.

- [gasping]
- Wow.

Stop showing off, and be yourself.

- What are you afraid of?
- Not afraid of anything.

- Well, spiders.
- Ah.

- Water.
- Yeah.

Cress.

- She's talking about…
- Commitment.

- Commitment.
- Yeah.

Our time is our time, babe,

but this time is this time.

- And I'm with the dudes.
- Do you want a girlfriend?

- Would you like me to be your girlfriend?
- Yeah.

Right, well then,
you will need to make a commitment.

Wow.

[panting] Gus, come quick.

I think your mum's dying.

I gotta go.

[poignant music playing]

[Mum breathes heavily]

Mum?

[weakly] Gus.

- Oh, my darling.
- [grunts sadly, sniffs]

Handsome boy.

[sadly] Mm-hmm.

Oh! [gasps]

Is that your beautiful baby?
I've always wanted to be a grandmother.

[Gus sighs sadly, hesitates]

Yeah.

Hello, Grandma.

[gasps] Oh!

[poignant music continues]

[purrs softly]

[exhales]

[music fades]

Sorry, Gus.

[sighs sadly] Cheers.

[groans]

Glad I got to see her in time.

Mm.

'Cause you'll never see her again, right?

That's right.

Uh, so…

Right, uh…

Let's find your house.

We… we don't have to today,
if you don't feel like it.

I'm fine. Um…

[sighs]

I guess we're both

little lost orphans now.

Hm.

It's a good job we met each other.

[Gus] Yep.

- Oh, it's the local drug dealer.
- [Ponce] Oh dear.

Mint, catnip, silver vine?

- No, thank you.
- Actually, I could do with summat today.

My mum just died,

so… I fancy some nip.

- How much?
- Just lick my ba*ls.

- What?
- Don't do this for money.

- All right, just give it to me for free.
- It is free.

Right, cool.

- Just need to lick my ba*ls.
- [Gus] I'm not.

- Well, you're not getting any drugs, then.
- This is weird.

- Lick 'em.
- No.

I've never licked another cat's ba*ls
in my life, and I'm not gonna start now.

Puke, lick this filthy f*ck's ba*ls.
Is that all right?

- [dealer] Yeah.
- Right.

Step aside.

He's gonna do a good job.

Thank you.

- [Puke licking steadily]
- [dealer sighs]

- How long does he have to do this for?
- I'll tell him to stop when it's time.

Hey, what you doing?

- [Puke] Prodding the base.
- I didn't ask for that.

I was very clear what I wanted.

I feel like we shouldn't be watching.

That's it. Thank you.

- And that's it?
- [dealer] Yep.

Right.

- Give me a bag of nip, then.
- How much?

A big bag for us all
to put our f*cking faces,

get off our f*cking t*ts, and chill.

- You do the math.
- Done.

[Fang gurgles]

Good stuff, innit?

What are they doing?

Well, they're giving into base urges
is what they're doing.

What are you thinking about, Olive?

I feel like the walls
are closing in on me.

- [Gus] Yeah.
- I wish I hadn't had it.

- What are you thinking, Puke?
- I can see Simon Cowell.

What's happening?

He's got really old fingers.

[chuckles]

- What's he doing with them?
- Beckoning me.

- Where?
- To the wardrobe.

Don't go.

- I want to go.
- What's in there?

- Not this again.
- Who else is there? Just you and Simon?

And Gordon Ramsay.

- Chef Ramsay?
- He's got a long neck like a giraffe.

So he can see over things?

Oversee the whole kitchen. Good idea.

- Is he cooking you something?
- Yeah.

- What's he cooking you?
- The basics.

Egg and bacon?

- He's got handcuffs.
- What's he doing with them?

You've done too much again, boy.
You've done too much again.

You're seeing top, world-class celebrities

like Cowell and Ramsay in a wardrobe.

- [Puke grunts]
- What's going on?

I'm scared.

- Why?
- I don't wanna go in now.

He always does this.

- Get in there.
- No.

- Go on.
- His neck's getting longer.

- What's it mean?
- What do you think this means, Ponce?

It means he's had too much catnip
is what it means.

Always hallucinates like this.
It was Daniel Radcliffe last time.

[sniggering]

[laughing]

[Gus groans, exhales]

[quiet, poignant music playing]

I'm sorry about your mum, Gus.

Thanks, kid.

I don't like dying. It's sad.

Yeah.

But it's worth it, innit?

Because of life.

["O" by Coldplay playing]

♪ A flock of birds ♪

♪ Hovering above ♪

♪ Just a flock of birds ♪

♪ That's how you think of love ♪

♪ And I always ♪

♪ Look up to the sky ♪

♪ Pray before the dawn ♪

♪ 'Cause they fly away ♪

♪ Sometimes they arrive ♪

♪ Sometimes they are gone ♪

♪ They fly on ♪