01x03 - Kids

[bunniefuu]

[TV narrator] Day three
on Thick and Single,

and Briony is crying
because Robbie fancies Chantelle.

{\an8}Last night at dinner, tempers were frayed.

What's the plan for the day?

Try to find the kid's home.
Get distracted immediately.

Do loads of weird, pointless sh*t
that somehow makes stuff worse.

k*ll something. Eat bits of it.

Give up our mission.
Come home here. Sleep for 14 hours.

- You've always got a plan.
- Gotta have a plan. Gotta have a plan.

- [Ponce] Hi, g*ng.
- Hi, c**t.

Okay.

How are we?

Hungry, tired. Full of hate and fury.

Okay. Why?

- We're cats.
- [Ponce] Mm.

Yeah, so am I,
and I'm none of those things.

Sorry, I should have said
we're cats with ba*ls.

Oh. Clever.

- Big ba*ls!
- Okay.

Big f*cking ba*ls.

- Testos. f*cking…
- Who needs 'em? Not I.

- Bollocks, you heard of 'em?
- Yeah!

Well, look, I'm here to help you find
the kitten's home, if you're doing that.

- Oh yeah. Yeah.
- [Ponce] Hm.

- All right?
- Why do you turn up when Ponce comes?

- No reason, you fat, nosy c**t.
- That's nice, innit?

We're watching a dating show.

- What's dating?
- A waste of f*cking time.

Dating, wow. Okay.

Dating is, um, when a man and a woman,

or boy cat and girl cat,

um, meet and get talking,

and they see if they like each other,
wanna spend their lives together.

- That sounds lovely.
- Does it?

- Civilized.
- Oh yeah?

What sort of cat
are you looking for, then?

Well, you know,
someone with some f*cking manners.

[Gus] Right.

Who doesn't stink.

You know, someone like Ponce.

Oh, you… you fancy Ponce?

- No, no! Someone like Ponce!
- [Gus] There's no one like f*cking Ponce.

- I know!
- Right.

[Ponce] Hm.

We're… we're happy.

We've never f*cking had a relationship.

- Perfectly happy.
- Speak for yourself, mate.

Speak for yourself.

Yeah, but f*cking rodents and slugs…

- [cat 1] No, no.
- …and f*cking reptiles don't count.

I've got three kids.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Three boys.
- You've got kids?

Yes. Jeff, Shane, and Lance.

Granted, I don't see 'em much.
Wasn't really around, but you know.

It was from a one-night stand.

Wait, you've had actual sex
with a cat fanny?

Oh, come on. 'Course I bloody well have.

Huh? Loads of times.

f*cking mess down there.
You know it. Have a look.

- Have a proper look.
- What the f*ck?

- f*cking barnacles!
- Why is it all smashed up and scabby?

'Cause I gave a hedgehog a**l.

Lacerated beyond recognition.

And which cat did you, um,
pair up with, sorry?

Cat called Samantha Bellingham.
She was very much into me.

Likewise. One thing led to another.
Nine weeks later…

I can't believe
any female cat found you attractive.

Well, she was blind.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

- And no sense of smell. Yeah.
- That all makes sense.

- Couldn't she hear you was a c**t?
- Good point.

Oh, I put on my best voice, didn't I?
Didn't say too much. I just got stuck in.

- What's your best voice?
- I'm not doing my voice.

Come on, do your best voice.
I'll be… I'll play the bird, right.

- What am I? A performing monkey?
- Yeah. Yeah. Right.

[feminine voice] Oh, hello.
What's your name?

- Wow.
- Puke.

- Right. Do you wanna f*ck me?
- [Puke] Absolutely I want to f*ck you.

- [normal voice] That's still your voice.
- The same voice.

Same voice. What's your best voice?
I'm blind.

[feminine voice] Hello, I'm blind, right?
With no sense of smell.

[Puke] Yes.

And I have to go by the voice
if you're attractive or not.

Are you attractive?

Absolutely I am.
Would you like to f*ck me, please?

[Ponce] So hang on.

Your best voice just involves you
saying the word "absolutely?"

That's all… that's all it is?

I wanna get to the bottom of this.
Right, let's do it again.

Right, okay. I'm… No. I'm blind, right?

I've got no sense of smell, but I go
on hearing, so I can only go your voice.

[feminine voice] There's a cat round here
I wanna f*cking get stuck into.

We don't need you for this workshop.
He can just do the voice.

We don't need this long introduction
of you being the blind cat.

I wanna see…
It's called f*cking role play, innit?

- We just wanna hear his voice.
- Yeah, but I wanna do it in context!

- I might catch him out.
- We understand the context!

- I wanna see what he says in situ.
- Okay.

I'm a sexy f*cking cat just walking along,
and I bump into you, right?

[feminine] Sorry, who's that?

[softly] It's Pukey, baby.

- Oh, you sound nice.
- I'm very nice indeed.

What do you wanna do?

- Let's take it baby steps.
- Yeah, well, I can't see.

- It's all right. You're with me.
- Right.

- Hold onto my paw.
- Where are we going?

- Through the field to the hay loft.
- Why are we going there?

- Spend the evening together.
- This feels really weird.

[normal voice] Sounds horrible.

It's not horrible.
I got my three boys out of it.

What do you think about dating, Ponce?

Uh… I, um… I don't really think about it,
to be honest.

Why do they call you "Ponce?"

- No idea.
- 'Cause it's his f*cking name.

- No, it isn't!
- It should be.

'Cause it f*cking suits you.
You are a f*cking ponce.

- Yeah, but it's not my real name.
- Well, it's our preferred name for you.

Okay, well, shouldn't my preferred name
take precedence?

- Or even just my real name would be fine.
- So what's your real name?

- Rupert.
- [laughing]

- f*cking hell!
- f*cking hell!

- Rupert?
- Yeah, what?

- Rupert?
- Yes.

What? Like Rupert the bear.

- f*cking Rupert the c**t, more like.
- Exactly!

- Shall we call you Rupert the c**t?
- Yeah!

- Rupert the f*cking c*cksucker.
- Yeah!

- Rupert the Kiddie Fiddler.
- No, obviously not.

That's the choices. Rupert the c**t,

Rupert the c*cksucker,
or Rupert the Kiddie Fiddler.

- [hesitates] Let's just stick with Ponce.
- Fair enough.

Sorted.

I'll take you to see my boys if you want.

[gentle music playing]

[Puke] There they are.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hey, boys.

- How's things?
- Yeah, good. You?

Ah, you know. Same old, same old. [snorts]

- Meet the g*ng.
- So you're…

You're all his kids, yeah?

Yeah?

Wow.

You seem sort of pretty… normal.

Are you… Have you got mental problems or…

- No, fairly normal.
- No?

They wouldn't know, would they?

- If they--
- They don't seem to have.

- What's two plus two?
- Four.

- Okay.
- Wow.

- Anyway, nice to meet you.
- Yeah.

- Polite as well.
- Amazing.

How's your mum? Oh, here she comes.

- Puke?
- Yes, my sweet?

Oh, f*ck!

- Ooh.
- Oh, God.

- [Puke groans]
- Oh, f*ck's sake!

Oh, just stay still. Why do you…

- Anyway, nice to see you.
- [boys] Bye, Dad.

- See ya.
- [Samantha] Bye, Puke.

- Nice to meet ya.
- Bye.

- Ugh. Clumsy c**t.
- Language.

sh*t mum. sh*t dad.

[Gus sighs]

Well,

incredible.

- Well done.
- Yeah, proud of them.

Well, you should be 'cause, uh, yeah.

I mean, it's shocking
they've turned out normal, to be honest.

Yeah, I'm in agreement.

Never be proud of yourself,
but be proud of them, son.

Yeah.

I mean, I think maybe you not being around
was their best chance.

Their best chance, yeah.

- You knew that, did ya?
- Yeah.

- You neglected them for their own good?
- Yeah, made that decision.

Why don't you see them more often now?
It's turned out all right.

- 'Cause I don't got the time!
- Why? What are you doing?

Looking for female animals!

- Of any species?
- Yeah.

So you're always horned up?

You haven't got any time to spare
for your own kids?

Always horned up. Always on the hunt.

- So you're thinking about it now, are you?
- Yeah.

I'm looking at you, but I'm thinking
about that squirrel in the tree.

Right.

If something's got a heartbeat,
or not, doesn't matter, I will f*ck it.

It's what my barbed p*nis is for.

Um, yeah, interestingly, the reason
that the cat p*nis has got the barbs

is so that post-mating, post-coitus,

um, when the male cat pulls out,

the barbs actually
cause pain for the female cat,

and that, in turn,

brings about ovulation, hence increasing
the chances of conception.

Well, that's not why I use 'em.

- What do you use 'em for?
- I go fishing.

Your knob's like
a little barbed fishing rod?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

I drop my willy into the pond,

and, uh, I wait.

- And?
- Eventually a fish will come along.

And put its lips over my c*ck.
They can't get away 'cause of the barbs.

- And you eat it?
- No, I don't eat it.

I get a blowjob off of it.

- Right.
- Yeah, but it doesn't happen every time.

- Sometimes I have to use bait.
- What do you use?

- Use worms.
- Where you getting them?

My an*s.

- You've got worms, yeah?
- I've got worms, yeah.

- Put that on your c*ck--
- Into my c*ck.

- Into your c*ck?
- Into the Jap's eye and I wait.

- You just wait, and a fish comes along…
- Nibbles on it.

- And what happens then?
- Well, I spaff myself.

And that's the reason you haven't got time
to see your own family?

Actually, I don't think
I see my mum enough.

She lives around here, actually.
[gasps] I'll pop and see her now!

What a great son. I won't be long.

[soft piano music playing]

You all right, Mum?

[weakly] Hello, sweetheart. You all right?

Yeah, you know.

Yeah.

Anyway, I'll be off.

Yeah, thanks for popping round.

Not a problem.

- Aw.
- Ah.

- I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy.
- You are a good boy, my boy.

Yeah.

Anyway, you've lost a bit of weight.

Yeah, yeah. I've not had
much of an appetite recently, sweetheart.

Uh… you need to eat though.

Well…

You know, don't really do enough
these days to need much. [sniffs]

Always tired.

- Yeah.
- [Mum yawns]

- Anyway…
- Love you, son.

See you later.

How's your mum?

Yeah.

Getting old.

[Gus sighs]

Happens to all of us, doesn't it?

What's getting old like?

f*cking horrible.

You just… Your teeth fall out.
You go blind.

You're deaf. You can't eat.
No one gives a f*ck.

Your arsehole's trailing behind you

like you're being
f*cking bummed by an eel.

You're just f*cking
dropping your dinner everywhere.

Yep. And suddenly all of your opinions
are really out of date.

Everyone finds you offensive.

The takeaway should be,
try and enjoy life if you can.

- Yeah.
- And if you can't, f*ck it.

f*ck' do yourself. Night, night.

[quiet crying]

Are you… Are you all right?

[cat sniffs]

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Yeah.

[sniffles]

Well, I'm just…

I'm just sick of being
treated like sh*t by my boyfriend.

Oh.

- Right.
- [sighs sadly]

[wistful music playing]

[male cat] Oi, fatso!

[tense music playing]

- [scoffs] None taken.
- What?

- What?
- What do you mean, "what?"

[Gus hesitates]

You said, "Oi, fatso,"
and I said, "None taken."

You said, "What?" I said, "What?"

- Right.
- Right.

- You want me to sort this c**t out?
- No.

I'm not scared.

Go on, then. Fill your boots, son.

- Yeah.
- [tense music continues]

Definitely gonna fight, are we?

Yeah. Take this, you c**t!

[Gus grunts, groans]

You f*cking little c**t.

- Oh my God.
- [Puke] Leave it. Leave it, mate.

[male cat] c**t.

- You all right, Gus?
- [groans] Yeah.

{\an8}- You still happy for me to sit it out?
- It's fine.

[Gus grunts, groans]

f*cking little prick.

- Take that!
- Ow.

- Oh, guys.
- Okay, okay.

[Gus pants]

[Gus groans]

That's what you get.
Come on, doll. Let's split.

No.

I'm gonna stay with Gus.

Really?

Please your f*cking self.

Yeah.

You were sweet and kind.
That's better than being angry and cruel.

- And good at fighting.
- Wow.

Um, I am pretty good at fighting.

- Not really.
- Usually.

Well, you don't… you haven't seen me…

- Mm. [kisses]
- Oh. [chuckles softly]

- So…
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Hm.

What… what you doing now, then?

Trying to find this kitten's home.

- You're helping the kitten find its home?
- Yeah, sorry I can't talk.

But… duty calls, innit, lads?

- Oh yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

Something like that.

Ah, well.

What a lovely guy.

[Gus snorts]

- Call me, yeah?
- [Gus] Yeah.

Will do.

Got a couple of notes
on your technique there.

[Gus groans]

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm… Yeah.

Absolutely fine. I was holding back.

I didn't wanna do
any ultraviolence in front of the bird.

- They don't like that. So I thought…
- Just get pummeled?

- My ba*ls are aching.
- [Ponce] Are they?

- He really whacked 'em a few times.
- [Ponce] Ouch.

- Yeah.
- They're big though.

- They are.
- Big target.

Why do male cats
always talk about their ba*ls?

- It's important.
- I don't, to be fair.

No, you're different.

- Yeah, he is f*cking different.
- What are ba*ls for?

[scoffs] Just there, aren't they?
Gotta have them.

- Just there?
- Yeah.

- They are.
- They're for reproduction.

- Having children.
- Right.

And for frogs to lick.

Okay, anyway, in answer to your question,

the male gonads are there
so that you can have children,

become a father.
That's what they're actually for.

Not the frog stuff.

- I'd have loved to have been a dad.
- It's not too late.

Yeah, it is.
I've got you lot to look after now.

You're a bit like my dad, aren't you, Gus?

[Gus] Hm.

Particularly as I'm never gonna find
my real home.

You will.

We'll try again tomorrow. Don't worry.

I wish I'd never been born.

Right. Don't ever say that, kid.

["Oh Very Young" playing]

Life is a gift.

And you're a cat. A cat!

Do you know how good that is? To be a cat?

- Pretty good.
- It's f*cking great.

What is it?

- f*cking great!
- Yeah!

- Don't swear.
- [Kitten giggles]

♪ Oh very young
What will you leave us this time? ♪

♪ You're only dancin' on this earth
For a short while ♪

♪ And though your dreams
May toss and turn you now ♪

♪ They will vanish away
Like your daddy's best jeans ♪

♪ Denim blue, fading up to the sky ♪

♪ And though you want him
To last forever ♪

♪ You know he never will ♪

- ♪ You know ♪
- ♪ He never will ♪

♪ And the patches
Make the goodbye harder still ♪

♪ Oh very young
What will you leave us this time? ♪

♪ There'll never be a better chance
To change your mind ♪

♪ And if you want this world
To see a better day ♪

♪ Will you carry the words of love
With you? ♪

♪ Will you ride the great white bird
Into heaven? ♪

♪ And though you want to last forever ♪

♪ You know you never will ♪

♪ You know you never will ♪