08x17 - Better Off Wed: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

So-- so, what you're saying is,
is that Jerome will be able

to cater our wedding
on May the 14th?

Oh, that's great. That's great.

Oh, but wait a minute.
I thought he was doing

that lady's


Oh, I'm so sorry
to hear that.

Oh. Yes, please. Make sure,
you give them my condolences.

All right.
Everything's falling into place.

Oh, wait a minute.
Now-- now that I have Jerome,

we're going to have
to dump the other caterer.

And since Jerome
only works with the best,

I need a new-- a new baker,
a new florist,

and a new photographer. Yes.

So much to do.
So little time...
[SIGHS]

...Angela.
Tony, you know, sometimes

I-- I wish we'd planned

a--a more intimate affair.
Say, in a chapel like this one.

You know, a quiet, cozy
little place in the woods,

just you and me
and a white-haired minister

and his chubby little wife
playing the organ.

Ah, Angela,
that sounds awful.
Come on, Angela.

The invitations are out.
And I thought we agreed.

Tony, we did, but you know,
I've been through

a wedding before, and a big one.
And it's... it's big.

[SCOFFS]
Angela, I haven't. I eloped.

I missed out on the--
on the church,

and the big ceremony,
and the family, the friends,

and the music.
Oh, and by the way,

how do you feel about
"Close to You"
by the Carpenters?

I hate it.
Oh, me, too.

I hate it too. See, we're
not that far apart on this.

Tony, please.
Angela, please.

I promise I'll keep it small.
[SIGHS]

I'm gonna keep it small, Angela.
It's going to be small.

[CHUCKLES] Okay.
It'll be small.

Smaller than
Operation Desert Storm.

Hi, Dad.
Oh, hiya, Sam.

Uh, how's it going?
Oh, so much to do.

So much to do.
Oh, okay.

Well, maybe now
isn't a good time.

Oh, no, no. For what? For what?
Have a seat. Have a seat.

Okay, uh, well...

Hank and I have been seeing
each other every day,

and, uh,
it's kind of getting serious.

Oh, that's great.
Who's Hank?

[CHUCKLES] You rem--
You met him.

Remember, at the dorm?

Oh, yeah. I met him.
That's right. Did I like him?

[CHUCKLES] Yes.
Well, kind of.
Oh, okay.

Anyway, uh,
you're going to be
seeing a lot more of him,

which is kind of
what I wanted to
talk to you about.

Oh, I get it.
I get it.

You want me to invite him
to the wedding.

Well, actually--
Oh, okay, okay, I'll do it,

but what's gonna happen
in three months' time.

When the wedding rolls around
and old Hank-O is history?

Believe me,
Dad, he won't be.
Okay, okay.

I'm putting him down,
but in pencil.

[CHUCKLES] Look, Dad, I just
wanted to tell you that--

Oh, I'm so glad
you're here.

You know why?
I want to show you

a picture of the
bridesmaids' dresses.

Now, I know, you gonna think
it's a lot of taffeta,

but give it a chance.

[SIGHS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hi, honey.
Hi. Hi.

[BOTH MOAN]

So, how'd it go
with your dad?
Did you tell him?

Well, actually I told him
how terrific you were.

And he wants you
to come to his wedding.

That's nice.
Did you invite
him to ours?

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life
A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

You didn't tell him we were
getting married, did you?

Look, I tried to tell dad

but it just wasn't the right--
Tell me what?

That, uh, this is Hank.

Hank, Dad.
Dad, Hank.

Oh, that's right.
Hey, Hank.

Sure, sure.
How you doing, Hank?

Are you ready to go to heaven
on a taffeta cloud?

It's-- it's-- it's lovely, Dad.
It's lovely.

Ooh, off-the-shoulder.
Very sexy.

I'm ordering hers
with a hood.

See, now you understand
why it's so hard

to tell him about
something like marriage.

Are you sure we're doing
the right thing?

Oh you want to go
over this again, huh?

Hold on. Let me
get comfortable. [SIGHS]

Look, we've only been together
for a couple of months.

And we're so young and we
haven't finished school yet.

And--
We have no money.

Exactly. I mean, we don't know
what we are gonna be doing

or where we are
gonna be living.

And are we jumping
into something that's

supposed to last forever?
We must be crazy.

Absolutely. Exactly.
Totally nuts.

So, uh, why are we
doing this again?

Because you're crazy,
and I'm nuts.

Oh, yeah.

You feel better?
Oh, yeah.

Should we tell you father now?
Oh, no.

Sam, we have to.

If I move away
because of my career

I want you there with me.

I know, I know.
Besides...

remember we promised we'd tell
our parents today,

well one of us had the guts
to do it.

You did?
Well, what did they say?

I don't know.
I left a message
on the machine.

Oh, I think we've proven

that we're mature enough
to be married.

Look, if it's
this difficult...
[SIGHS]

...to tell our folks, maybe
it would be easier if we just

ran off and got married.

That way we wouldn't have
to worry about
what anybody said.

No, no, it's--
it's really important to me

that my dad be at my wedding.

I understand.

Look, I just-- I just think,
that the best way
to handle this,

is to go in there,
and get him to like you.

I mean, then we could be honest,
then we could...

leave a message
on his machine.

Mm. Mm, go, Knicks!

Oh, stupid TV.

Better.
Oh, foul, foul, foul!

Did you see that?
He butchered him.

Do you think this veil
is too sheer?

This place
gets weirder every day.

Hi, I'm Hank.
Hi, I'm Mona.

It's, uh, really a pleasure

to make your acquaintance.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,

don't waste it on her.
She's easy.

And proud of it.

Mind if we join you?
[CHUCKLES]
Angela, this is Hank.

Hello. How are you.
Are you a Knicks fan?

Well, actually, I'm more of a--
[SAM CLEARS THROAT]

Live and breathe them.

You know, I never used to be
interested in sports either

until Tony turned me on to them.

Hey, what do you think
of that tiara?

I like it.
Oh, yeah?

I like the Knicks,
and I like tiaras.

[WHISPERS] How am I doing?
[WHISPERS] Perfect.

Oh, oh, VanDeWeghe
just blew another lay-up.

You know, he hasn't done diddly
since he had that knee surgery.

He should be okay.

Arthroscopy's a pretty
minor procedure.

It's usually done to repair
the lateral or medial meniscus

to keep the
patella in place.

How'd you know that?

[CHUCKLES] Actually, Dad,
Hank has taken a lot of courses

in anatomy
and physiology.

Well, you kind of have to,
when you're premed.

Premed? Oh.

Hank, right? Hank?
It is Hank, right?

Hank, uh,
premed. Oh.

So, you're interested
in my daughter?

Yes, sir. Very interested.

Oh. Mona, get the
doctor a drink.

Why don't I just squat down?
He could use me as a footstool.

You wanna to put your
feet up there, Hank?

No, thanks.

Uh, Hank, have you applied
to medical schools yet?

Yes, I had to in my junior year.

I've been accepted
to a couple of places.

Oh, wow. That's great.

Have we decided
where we're going?

Yes.
University of Connecticut.

Wow! All right. UConn.
[CHUCKLES]

Do-- do they have
a medical school?

I don't know. I'll be taking
graduate courses in puppetry.

Oh. Oh, I get it.
I get it.

I mean, first-- first you--
you work on puppets,

and then they let you practice
on real people. Right?

Dad.
No, it makes perfect sense.

Sam, see, puppets can't sue you
for malpractice. Right?

They don't bleed,
they can't scream,

and if you make a mistake,
at the end of the day,

you just throw them away,
you know. [CHUCKLES]

Dad.
You're not going to be

a doctor, are you?
Mm-mm.

You're going to spend
the rest of your life

with your hand up a puppet?

It's more than that.
I never really liked medicine.

Puppets were always
my first love.

Well, I had a G.I. Joe
I was fond of,

but I grew out of that.

Can one make a living at...

puppeteering?

Sure. Look at Shari Lewis
and Jim Henson,

Frank Oz.
Nancy Reagan.

Stop that.

Dad, look, Hank was just premed
to make his parents happy.

I mean, aren't you the one
that always says

you should follow your heart?
Yeah.

And I did.

This wasn't a decision
I made lightly.

Puppeteering is an
underrated art form

that requires years of study.

Oh, where... at the
Mortimer Snerd academy?

Tony--
Howdy Doody U?

Tony...
I mean, a lot of kids

would k*ll for
the opportunity

that you are
throwing away.
Tony!

What?
Uh,

the TV reception?
Could you do
something about it?

Angela, it's just that--
that stupid antenna again.

I know. But could
you fix it?

Now?
Oh, they're--

they're just about to go
into overtime.

All right. All right.

Hank, go help him.
I don't know anything--

Hank'll help you, Dad.
TONY: Okay, come on.

After you, Geppetto.

The guy wants
to be a puppeteer.

Okay. I'm done.

Now, you sure-- you sure
you tied the rope

nice and tight, yeah?
Oh, yeah. It's secure.

You won't fall.
All right.

Now, look, I'm real sorry

about coming on so strong
back there.

It's just-- Can I ask you
one question?

I mean, why a puppeteer?

Well, because I wasn't
into medicine.

But entertaining children
is something I love.

And I think I can be
great at it.

Well, I guess,

the laughter of children
is pretty important too.

Hey, who knows, maybe you'll--

you'll create
another Charlie McCarthy.

Well, actually,
he's not a puppet, he's a dummy.

Why, did, uh, he dropped out
of medical school too.

I promise-- I promise
that's my last shot.

Come on, let's fix this,
okay, pal?

So, you really like him?

What's not to like.
He's cute. He's bright.

He's got a
great sense of humor.

Yeah, that part about being
a puppeteer was hilarious.

Hey, I like him, too.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, he's terrific,
isn't he?

I think that we are really
good for each other.

Oh, I've got to go
pick up Jonathan.

Oh, Angela?
ANGELA: Yes.

May I borrow your Jag?

Why, so you can
drive by the gym

and pretend you're
a talent agent again?

Hey, over half those guys
ended up on film.

Oh, this time
don't forget Jonathan.

Oh, I hope Hank and Dad
are getting along okay up there.

Wait a minute.

This one's really serious,
isn't it?

Just how serious?

Oh, come on.
What, are you kidding me?

Look, Kermit and Big Bird
are stars legitimately

in their own right.

I mean but--
but Bert and Ernie,

they're, like, the luckiest
guys in show business.

All right, look... I think
that should just about do it.

Here we go.

[ENGINE STARTS]
Oh, no!

TONY: What?
She's moving the car.

So what?

Oh, no.
You tied me to the car?

Stop the car!
It's okay.

Stop the car!

[THUDS]

Oh, thank goodness.

You're getting married?
Yes!

What do you think
Dad's gonna say?

[SCREAMS]

Something like that.

[♪♪♪]

You tied my rope
to a car.

Well, what were
you thinking?

I-- I wanted to tie it
to a tree.

But the rope wasn't long enough.
The Jag was right there.

I figured it would be safe
for five minutes.

You tie trailers to a car.

You tie tin cans to a car.
You do not tie men to a car.

I found a bandage.
Here, let me wrap it.

What?
I know how to
wrap an ankle.

Oh, then what are you gonna do,
tie me to a b*llet train?

No way!

Look-- Look, get away from me,
get out of her house,

and get out of my life.

Uh, Tony, that's maybe
easier said than done.

I was talking to Sam--
[CLEARS THROAT]

[STUTTERS] It's all right.
I'm leaving.

No, Hank, don't-- Wait.

Do you believe this guy?
He tied me to a car.

Tony, Tony,
you gotta calm down.
Look, I know.

I know. I should know better,
Angela.

Sam will date him
for three weeks, it'll be love,

and then it'll be over.
Same old story.

[SCOFFS]
Or they could end up

getting married, and you could
learn to love him. [CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS] Oh, Angela,
please don't do that.

It hurts when I laugh.
Okay, well, we're gonna get you

to bed. Take some aspirin,
let's go.

Okay, okay. Help me up,
help me up.

Okay.

[GROANS] The puppeteer
tried to k*ll me.

Yes, I know.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
Now what?

[SIGHS]

Hello.
Hi.

You must be Angela.
Yes.

Glad to meet you.
Glad to meet you.

Well, thank you.
Who are you?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Joe Thomopolous,

this is the wife, Fran,

[CHUCKLES]
Hello.

And you must be Tony.
We have heard
so much about you.

Oh.

Ah, what the hell?
Come here.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Who are you?

Joe and Fran,
Hank's parents.

Oh. Oh!

Oh, Hank's parents.
[CHUCKLES]

Hey, nice kid you got there.
Ties a hell of a knot.

Sorry to barge in unannounced,
but when we heard Hank's news,

we just had to rush right over.
[BOTH LAUGH]

Hank's news?

Oh, oh. You mean,
about his plans
for the future?

Yes.
It was
quite unexpected,

but we're thrilled
with his choice.

Really?

You're kidding me. I mean,
you don't think he's throwing

his life away?
Uh, Tony...

That's a very strange thing
for you to say.

You are Sam's father?

Oh, you're right,
you're right.
It's not my place

to say anything. I mean--
Nonsense. You have a big say-so

in this. I mean-- [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]

All right, now that
you're gonna let me,
you know.

I mean,
if I were Hank's parents,

I'd try to smack some sense
into him, you know.

I mean, talk about
trading down. Sheesh.
Uh...

What have you got
against Sam?

What have you got
against marriage?

What are you talking about?
Hank's marriage.

Hank's married? He's married?
And he's dating my daughter?

I'll k*ll him. I'll k*ll him.
Tony, think.

But there's nothing
to think about. There's...

Oh, no.

Oh, no.
Yes, yes.

No!
It's okay. He's just thinking.

They're going to
get married?
Yes.

And you knew
about this?

Yes, she told me when you were
on the roof and I figured

if I told you, you'd fall off.
I fell off anyway.

And by the way,
it was because of your kid.

Wait a minute.
Everybody knew about this,
but me?

I'm sorry,
we thought they told you.

I hope we didn't rob you
of the joy of hearing the news

from your daughter?

Oh, no. No, no,
you didn't.

You didn't rob me.
In fact, I'm gonna go

relive some of the joy,
right now.

Excuse me, I'll be back.
I'll be back. Oh, Sam.

Sam!

[CHUCKLES]
How about those Knicks?

Look, Hank,
it's-- it's not you.

He just-- He gets
like that sometimes.

We just have to deal
with this in a mature way.

Oh, Sam. Sam.

Oh, my God! He knows!
Lock the doors! Lock the doors!

How do you know he knows?
The eyes. Look at the eyes.

He knows.

Hi, kids.

Want to roll down
the window a crack?

Don't do it. Don't do it.
Don't do it. Don't do it.

Don't do it. Don't do it.
Sam.

Just heard the
funniest thing.

Guess what it was.

Sam. I didn't tell
your father anything.
Then who did?

Hi, honey.
Hi, kids.

Oh, my God.
We're surrounded.

So good to see you.

Mom, Dad, how did you
find me here?

When we got your message,
we went to the dorm

and your roommate said
you were here with your fiancée.

Sam.
F...iancée.

Angela, get in the car.

I'm going to lay down
in front of it.

Tony...
Please. Let's not be

so dramatic.
Sam, what are you thinking?

Easy, guy. [CHUCKLES]

I know this comes
as a bit of a shock,

so why don't we go in the
house and talk about it?

After all,
we're going to be family.

This can't be--
It can't be happening, Angela.

It can't be happening.

It's okay, Tony.
They're not married yet.

We're gonna go in the
house and work it out.

Okay, but,
if it doesn't work out,

can I k*ll him?

No.
He tried to
k*ll me, Angela.

He tied me to a car.
It's only fair.

It doesn't matter.
He tried to k*ll me.

The puppet guy.

Sam, don't worry
about your father.

We were a little surprised
at first, too.

But we got over it.
And now, we couldn't be happier.

Just leave it to me.

Your old man and I talk
the same language.

We're both a couple
of real guys.

My little girl.
It's all right.

It's all right.

Tony, Angela, sit down.
Let's talk.

Anybody want coffee?
Fran, make some coffee.

My dad, he's a real
take-charge kind of guy.

Uh, Mr. Thomopolous--
Thomopolous.

Samantha Thomopolous.

My daughter's going to be
a tongue twister.

Look, Dad, this isn't the way
I wanted you to find out.

Hank said it from
the beginning
we should just be honest

and up-front.
But there was just, like,

never a right time
to tell you.

The fact is, we love
each other very much.

We talked about
living together--

[TONY GRUNTS]

That's what we figured,

so getting married seemed to
be the right step for us.

But-- but you're--
you're so young.

The two of you is so young.
Why can't you wait?

Well, they're
not that young.

Fran and I were 20
when we got married.

Thank you so much
for your help, Joe.

Thanks, man. [MUMBLES]

Coffee's brewing.

Have some cookies,
and don't forget

to take a napkin.
Yeah, sure.

By the way-- by the way,
I love your place.

Tony. Tony, Tony, Tony,
I don't want to tell you

how to be a parent,

but you got to learn
to go with the flow.

Realize that kids are gonna do
what kids are gonna do.

And what are the kids
gonna do for money?

I guarantee you,
they're not going to have

to worry about it.
Business is good.

I'll take care of them till
Hank finishes medical school,

and then he'll be making
plenty of money.

Medical school?

That's right. Our son's
going to be a doctor.

♪ I know something
You don't know ♪

Uh, Mom, Dad,

I was going to tell you--
Oh, please, please,

let me. Let me, please!

Please let me.
Dad. Dad, sit. Sit.

Okay, okay, I'll just
sit here and watch.

Go ahead,
go ahead, go ahead.

Please don't be upset...

but I'm not going
to medical school.

What?
Oh, no, no,
Joe, Joe, Joe.

You haven't heard
the best part yet.

Ask him why.
Ask him why.
Tony! Tony!

You're enjoying this
a little too much.

I have to have some
pleasure in my life, too.

Why aren't you going?

Well, the fact is,
I'm gonna be a puppeteer.

[SNORTS]
Puppeteer?

You know, Joe...

I mean, I don't
want to tell you
how to be a parent,

but you gotta learn
to go with the flow.

Hank, why would you
do such a thing?

Because I wasn't
happy in premed,

and this is
something I love.

And like Sam says...
you've got to follow your heart.

Sam told you that?

You talked our son
out of medical school?

Well, no. I just-- I just
supported his decision,

And I still do.

And if he decided to jump off
a bridge would you support

that decision, too?
No, but I would.

Look. Look, Joe.

Joe, if anybody's life is
getting short-changed here,

it's my daughters,
because your son

your son talked her
into getting married

way too young.

Our son never talked about
dropping out of medical school

until he met your daughter.

He was a fine young man

until that little hussy
got her hooks into him.

I am not a hussy.

And it wasn't hooks,
it was Velcro.

Mother, calm down.

Hey, what's--
what's going on here?

Well, these are
Hank's parents,

and Hank and Sam
want to get married.

Married? Oh, and, of course,
Tony doesn't want them to.

You bet your--
Of course not.

Why don't they
just shack up?

Jonathan.

I taught him well.
Yes, Mother.

What kind of a family is this?
The kind of family

that will never be
related to yours.

Hey, you're telling me.
Those two will get married

over my dead body.
Please,

don't try to
cheer me up.

Don't talk to
my husband like that.

And don't talk to my...
Tony, like that.

And take off my apron.
Oh, excuse me, Angela.

But that happens
to be my apron.

Gee, why am I
not surprised?
Oh.

Oh, oh, oh, whoa.

I want you
and your Puppethead son

out of my house right now.
Fine with me. Hank, let's go.

And Sam, stay.
Sam, stay.

Hank?
FRAN: What?

ANGELA: Where'd they go?

They're gone.

We get on the interstate,
and it's about, uh...



Are-- are you sure
we're doing the right thing?

If we want to
be together.

Do we have any choice?

[♪♪♪]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]