08x16 - Allergic to Love

[bunniefuu]

-Here are your stamps, Tony.
-Oh, thank you, Jonathan.

Wait a minute. Jonathan, I--

I wanted
those commemorative love stamps.

Well, they were all sold out.
You can use these.

What? Great American comedians?

Hey, I'm not putting Abbott
and Costello on my
wedding invitations.

Uh, why not?
You and mom getting married

could be pretty funny.

I'll just go
to another post office.

Good, go ahead. Get outta here.

-[TIMER DINGS]
-Oh!

All right, one second there.

See!

Whoa! Whoa!

That'll-- that'll clear
your sinuses.

Ah, a few more peppers.

Tony, I just talked
to Ted and Elaine.

They're so excited
about dinner on Friday night.

Have you decided on the menu?

Well, I-- I'm still
experimenting, Angela.

But, we're definitely going
with Chinese.

It'll be perfect way to kick-off
your new business venture

-with Ted in Beijing.
-Oh.

-[TIMER DINGS]
-Oh!

It's my Kung Pao Chicken.

See here. Ooh.

Mm. Mm! A few more peppers.

-[TIMER DINGS]
-Oh, what's that?

That's the love bell.
It's time to kiss the cook.

-Mm!
-[SMOOCHES]

A few more peppers.

Ted and Elaine
are going to love this.

Oh, you know,
what I was thinking?

We should send them
a wedding invitation.

Oh, come on, Angela.
Come on, come on.

I don't mind cooking
for your business associates,

but a wedding is for family
and close friends.

You're inviting your plumber?

We're having 300 guests
with 2 bathrooms.

What can Ted and Elaine do
for us?

-But, Tony--
-I promise you,

Ted and Elaine will not be
expecting an invitation.

-I promise.
-Hi, guys.

-Hey, Sam. Sam.
-Hi. Okay!

Here's my guest list
for the wedding.

Great-- Well, Sam, Bonnie?
One person, Sam?

Well, I feel that a wedding
is a special, intimate occasion

that should only be shared
with those who are closest
to you, Dad.

Oh, my sentiments
exactly, sweetheart.

Besides, it's
"party till you heave" night

on campus.
Nobody would show up anyway.

Oh, is that the same night?

-[GROANS]
-Mother.

Don't worry.

I wouldn't miss
my little girl's wedding

for anything in the world.
After all, you were at mine.

-Huh?
-What?

Can't we have one family secret?
Is that just too much to ask?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
And here's my list.

Oh, great, Monica. You know,
I've got lots of work to--

Mona, there's no women
on this list.

Well, duh!

Tony, you're doing so much.
Can I help?

Doesn't seem fair to dump
all this stuff on you.

Maybe I should dump it
on my office staff.

No, no. I love doing this stuff.
Are you kidding me?

There's no pressure, no problem.

You know, in fact,

we're gonna have the most
beautiful wedding

in the whole world.

-Oh, my God, Tony. Your lips!
-Oh, and Angela, your eyes.

No.

No, Tony. Your lips,
they're blowing up.

Huh? My lips?

Oh, my gosh!

I got blimps for wips.

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life
A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

Dr. Thomas will be with you
in a moment.

[GROANS]

I don't even know why am I here?
I don't need a doctor.

I mean, I'm sure,
in a little while,

my lips will go back to normal.

Tony, you've been saying that
for the last three hours,

and you still look
like Julia Roberts.

Hasn't hurt her career any.

You sure this guy's any good?

Yes, I've been coming to him
for years.

Then-- then he's never really
cured you.

What are you so nervous about?

You know I don't like doctors,
I don't trust them.

You come in here
for a hang nail,

before you know it,
they're yanking out your spleen.

Oh, hi. Hi, Angela.

So having a little flare-up
of the old--

No!

No. But actually,
Tony is the patient.

Tony, say hello to Dr. Thomas.

-Hi, how're you doing?
-Hey there, Tony.

So, what seems
to be the problem?

-That's it. I'm out of here.
-Tony, stay.

-It's his lips, Doctor.
-I thought so!

Let's just--
Let's just see what we got here.

Uh-huh.

Whoa!

It looks like you've got
an allergic reaction there.

-Have you changed your soap?
-Uh-uh.

-Um, eaten any unusual foods?
-No.

Slammed your lips in a drawer?

I'll put down no.

Wait a minute. We've been eating
all that Chinese food.

That's unusual.

You're right, Angela.
We've been eating it

for two days. Case solved!

Let's get out of here before
he takes out my gallbladder.

-Come on.
-No, wait a minute,

Food's only one possibility.

You know, It could be
a lot of things,

from something in the air
to stress.

Stress, huh?

Oh, no. The only stress I got
is coming to see you, Doc.

Well, are you sure?
Stress can come from work,

or sitting in traffic,

-any change in your life.
-My life is great.

The only change I got
is a good one.

Angela and I
are getting married.

-Getting married?
-TONY: Yes.

Hmm.

What-- what are you
"hmm-ing" about?

Well, as a recent study said

the only thing more stressful
than a wedding was death.

So, you're saying
that the reason

my lips are swollen up

is because I don't
want to get married?

No, I'm just pointing out
that weddings can cause

a lot of stress.

You're the one who said
you don't want to get married.

Interesting.

I-- I-- I said it,
But I didn't mean it.

Hmm.

-Hmm.
-He's "hmm-ing" again, Angela.

Would you make him stop
"hmm-ing"?

Mr. Micelli, what do you say,
why don't we just schedule you

for some allergy tests tomorrow?

Fine, fine, fine, fine!

Hey Doc, does that involve
any shots?

-No.
-Oh, good.

-Good.
-The shot's today.

Just a little something
to relieve the swelling.

Isn't there a pill or something
I can take?

-Well, there's a suppository.
-Bring on that needle.

-Oh, Dad, that smells great.
-Oh, yeah!

We're celebrating
Ted and Angela's

new business venture in Beijing.

Ooh, well,
let's see what you got.

Sweet and Sour Shrimp.
Egg drop soup.

Moo shu pork.

Spaghetti-Os, Dad?

They're for me, they're for me.
Until I get

my test results back,
I'm only eating food

I know I'm not allergic to.

You've been living
on Spaghetti-Os

-for the past three days?
-Yeah, breakfast is the worst.

You should try dunking
one of these things
in your coffee.

-Forget it.
-Ew!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-I'm so glad you could come.
-Oh, me too.

Everybody, this is my date,
Barry Hauser.

Um... Won Ying.

Won Ying! That's Chinese
for welcome.

Oh. Oh. Uh, nice to meet you.

See, Barry is a very
successful hand model.

Can't be too careful with
the old moneymaker, you know.

Oh. So I guess

"give me some skin"
is out of the question.

Have you done anything
that we might recognize?

Oh, give me a minute.

-Oh, my gosh! That's you?
-Yeah.

Oh, I can't--

I've loved your hands for years.

-Sit down.
-It's like we got a celebrity...

-Yes.
-...with us here.

Ted and Elaine! Won Ying.

[SPEAKING IN CHINESE]

That's impressive. Impressive.

You know, there's a billion
other people

who could do that, you know.

Come on in, come on in.

Ted, your Chinese
is coming along beautifully.

Well, how else can I call up
the Beijing office

and yell at people?

Mother, I'm already working
with Ted.

You don't need
to suck up anymore.

I wasn't.

Someone was tickling me
with their moneymaker.

-Hey, Tony-- Oh, hi, everybody.
-Hey, Jonathan. What's up?

This magazine came today
and one of your letters

-was stuck in it.
-Oh, give me that.

-Oh, I'll get that.
-Oh, that's okay.

-[GROANS]
-Uh!

-Uh, I'm ruined!
-I'll get you some ice.

What is he?
A surgeon or something?

No, he's a hand model.

-That's him?
-Yeah.

-At least he's insured.
-Give me the letter.

Barry, I'll be--
I'll be right back.

Angela! Angela! Look!

It's my-- It's my test results.

Oh, good. Good.
What does it say?

According to this, the only
thing I'm only allergic to

is the pollen
from the Lapidus flower.

Oh, well, maybe we have
some growing in the backyard.

I don't think so. It says here
that the Lapidus only grows

in the south Yemen desert.

Oh. So now we know
it's not an allergy.

Come on, Angela,
you're not believing

that doctor's psychobabble
about what's causing this,

-do ya?
-Well, it makes sense.

-Weddings are very stressful.
-Angela, how can you say that?

You know I want to marry you.

We're talking about the stress
of planning a wedding,

not whether you want
to marry me or not.

But it's very interesting
that you jumped to that.

[GROANS] Look. Look.
This is silly.

I want to marry you.
I want to ma-- Watch.

I want to marry you. I want
to marry-- marry-- marry you.

See, my lips are fine!

Come on! Now can we go back
in the damn living room

and have a wonderful time?

It's no use, Mona.
I was all set

to do that big
yellow pages commercial.

No, no, no. Don't worry, Barry.

Those fingers will do
the walking again.

I'm sorry, we took so long.

We had something
to discuss about the--

The-- the wedding. The wedding.

W-- W-- Wedding.

Which, by the way,

I couldn't be less
stressed-out about.

Oh, yes. I'm sure
it's going to be wonderful.

We wouldn't miss it
for the world.

Ted, don't be presumptuous.
We may not be invited.

Of course you're getting
an invitation. Right, Tony?

Oh, yes! You were the first ones
we thought of.

In fact, I just finished,
you know,

making out your invitation.
I'll go get it.

Remind me to order
some porta-potties

for the back yard.

Well, you must be so excited.

I am. I'm very excited,

but you know how it is
before the wedding.

You know all the jitters,
the nerves, the tension.

Oh, yes. What an anxious,
stressful time.

So, you had doubts, too?

No.

-Here's your invitation.
-Oh! I just can't wait.

I can't wait, either.
Can't wait to marry this woman

'cause I adore her.

-[SMOOCHES]
-Oh, isn't this romantic?

Unfortunately, this is as good
as it gets.

Excuse me, Mona,
but it's darn romantic.

And, I just want to say,

that we're gonna have
the best wedding of all ti--

I'll be wight back.

Excuse me.

Tony?

Tony. I know what's happening.
It's your lips, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

It's just a sweet tooth.

It's because we're talking
about the wedding.

No, no, Angela. It's that darn
Lapidus plant.

Some Yemenites must have
moved into the neighborhood.

Tony! Lips don't lie.
Look at them.

They're revolting at the thought
of marrying me.

Angela, I swear they're not.
I swear they're not.

-Fine.
-You don't believe me, do you?

Stop talking and bend over.

Hey! The party's
in here.

Do you mind?

You want to borrow
my nurse's uniform?

Mother!

Please get this over with.

-You're mad at me, aren't you?
-No, I'm not.

-Yes, you are. You're mad at me.
-No, I'm not mad.

[TONY SCREAMS]
Won Ying!

And that's Chinese
for "Dinner is ready".

Uh...

-Well?
-Not a tingle.

I'm not allergic
to this, either.

-Hmm.
-Okay. Here you go. Pucker up.

[GROANS] Oh,
this is ridiculous.

Dad, before both attacks,

you said that
the Fletchers' cat came over

and you fed her. Now, kiss her.

I bought her dinner,
ain't that enough?

-Dad, do you love Angela?
-[GROANS] Okay.

Aw, look. She's purring.

Get her out of here, please.

-Do you feel anything?
-Yeah. A hairball.

Dad, come on.
Think, think, think.

What else were you
in contact with

-before the last attack?
-Nothing, Sam.

Wait a minute. I kissed Angela.

I kissed Angela both times
before it happened.

Well, that's it.
You're allergic to Angela.

-Or--
-What?

-Come with me.
-Okay.

-Oops! Hello, there.
-Hello.

Gee, they're not up to anything,
are they?

He thinks I don't know it,

but he's trying to find out
what he's allergic to all day.

He's afraid to admit
what it really is.

You mean that he's having
second thoughts

about marrying you?

Yes.

I just don't want him standing
at the altar saying, "I boo."

I'm sure it's only
temporary, dear.

What he is going through
is perfectly normal.

Ah, this isn't working.

Of course not. We haven't done
your eyes yet.

Wait a minute, Sam.
Sam, wait a minute.

I didn't kiss Angela
on the lips,

I kissed her on the cheek.

Blush, Dad, blush.
Angela wears blush.

Wait a minute.

You mean that's not her
natural rosy complexion?

Yeah, right, Dad.

All right, look, not too much.
Not too much.

Just some subtle shadings.

I am going to need
so much therapy after this.

Sam, Sam,
promise me something.

If I have a heart attack
right now,

you'll wash my face
before the paramedics get here.

All right, then. Well?

-Not a tingle.
-[GROANS]

Okay, well,
maybe it wasn't the make-up.

Maybe it was something
she was wearing.

Here, here, here.
Try this, try this, try this.

Oh, my God!

-What do you see?
-My mother!

What was
my father thinking?

Tony--

Just, um...

I'm just testing something.

What, your masculinity?

Sorry we used your stuff,
Angela.

Let me guess, you're not
allergic to any of it.

No, no. But I'm gonna
keep looking

until I find it out
what it is.

-Angela, do you wear a base?
-Honey, we've got to talk.

Well, I'll leave
you two ladies alone.

I'm sorry, Dad.
I am just so confused.

Look, I know
what you're thinking, Angela.

I know what you're thinking
but you're wrong.

I have absolutely no doubts
about marrying you.

And that's what worries me
the most, your denial.

Nobody goes
into something this big

-without second thoughts.
-But Angela--

Tony, wait. I've been thinking.

Given what
you're going through,

I think we should just put
everything on hold.

Wait a minute.
Cancel the wedding?

No, no. Just put it aside.

But it's very interesting
you jumped to that.

I wish people would stop
saying that.

Tony, you've tried everything
that could've caused this.

It's got to be the wedding.

So look,
let's not talk about it,

let's not think about it,
and let's not deal with it
at all

and we'll see what happens.

Okay, okay.
We'll do it your way.

But I'm telling you right now,
these lips will swell again,

marriage talk or not!

Oh, geez!

I can't believe I almost
went out on the street

looking like this!

-Hey, Tone!
-Hi, Ern.

Hey guess-- guess what?

Uh, the old-- the old lips,
they swelled up again.

No, they haven't.
You got a napkin

shoved in your mouth.

I can't fool you,
I'll never fool Angela.

Look Ernie, you got to do
something for me.

-Name it, pal.
-Punch me in the mouth.

-Let me see that napkin.
-No, no, no. I'm serious.

Ernie, see.
Look, it's been a whole week.

Right, we haven't mentioned
the wedding.

And if my lips don't swell up
soon, she's gonna call it off.

It's never simple with you two,
is it?

Ernie, Ernie, I want you
to punch me

-in the mouth. Now, go ahead.
-No way!

You're gonna hit me back
out of reflex.

No, I won't. I wo-- I won't.
I prom--

-Yes, you will.
-I promise I won't.

-Yes, you will!
-Ernie!

You see? Reflex!

All right, forget it. Forget it
I'll hit myself.

Don't do it.
You'll k*ll yourself.

-Let go!
-Okay.

Oh, Ernie,
I think you broke my nose!

ANGELA: Tony, I'm home.

Listen, try to convince her
that it spread to your nostrils.

Get out of here. Get out!

[GROANS]

-Tony, what happened?
-No, Ernie hit me.

-Why, that little bully!
-No. No. Angela. Angela.

Angela, I wanted him to hit me.

I wanted him to hit me
in the mouth

so that my--
my lips would swell up.

And I'd be fooled.

Oh, Tony,

why don't you finally admit
that you have a problem

-with this marriage?
-I don't. I don't.

At least, I think I don't.

So there is something?

Well, sometimes I wonder
if the marriage is a mistake.

I mean, I mean, I mean,
is it going to ruin

the good thing we have?

I mean, and once the marriage
starts, does the friendship end?

And worse,
what if the spark dies out?

Do we settle into some boring,
dreary routine?

-Well, To--
-What about my job?

What about my job? I mean,

can I handle working
for my wife?

And you--
you continue to you pay me?

And if you do,
do I feel cheap in the morning?

-Tony, I will get--
-And-- and what if you snore?

What if you snore? You know,
I'm a very light sleeper.

And I need my eight hours
of sleep.

And I've heard noises
coming out of that room, Angela.

-No.
-Okay, okay!

You have doubts.
You have lots of doubts.

I'm surprised your whole body
didn't swell up.

Oh, I don't care if it does.

I don't care if I have to
spend the rest of my life

with my butt
looking like a pincushion.

We are getting married.

-But, Tony--
-No, no, no.

I'm sending out
these invitations,

And nobody--
nobody's going to stop me.

Don't I get a say in this?

I mean after all
it's my wedding, too.

It's been a whole week.

And nothing happened, Angela.
I bet it never happens again.

What if it does happen again?

Look we're talking
about marriage right now.

and you don't see
my lips swelling up, do you?

Oh, no.

-ANGELA: Oh.
-It's happening again.

Oh, Tony.

I am awergic to wuv.

Well, you might as well
dump these,

along with our future.

Wait a minute, Tony.

I don't think
you're allergic to love

I think you're allergic
to these.

-You fink?
-Yeah.

Before each attack,
you were licking envelopes.

Yeah, I was--
I was wicking them.

And you just licked another one.

And I was wicking away.

Tony, you're allergic
to the glue on these envelopes!

You're wight! You're wight!

Oh, this is wonderful.

-Now we can get mawied.
-Yeah.

Oh, Angela.

-I'm so relieved.
-Yeah, and you--

-and you thought I had doubts.
-Yeah.

Wait a minute.
What was that laundry list

you just rattled off
a minute ago.

Slip of the lip.

Oh. Well, look. Can you--
can you say that you--

you have no doubts.

Well, maybe a few.

You too? Like what?

Well, Tony we're so different

and I know
that opposites attract

but in the long run
is that gonna be a problem.

That's a good one. I should be
worried about that one, too.

See-- And Tony,
I worry that someday maybe--

Oh, no, Angela, please.
Please, I don't wanna hear it.

I don't wanna hear it.
I mean...

doubts shouldn't stop us.
There are no guarantees.

So, let's just jump into
this thing blindly and stupidly.

Hoping to heck that we can beat
the overwhelming odds

to make this crazy thing fly.

Oh, when you put it that way,
how can I say no?

Kiss me, Angela.

Maybe I should give you
a shot first.

Why? There's so much more
to love this way.

TONY: 'Who's the Boss?'
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

Hey, Tony. What are you doing?

Oh, Angela,
with us getting married,

you know,
I was feeling kinda sentimental,

so, I was going through
the old family photo album.

-Oh! Look at that. There.
-Oh, yeah.

Oh! Look at this. Huh?
My parents' wedding picture.

Sheesh.

Look how young
mom and dad were.

Oh, my.

What a handsome woman.

She sure was a knockout
back then.

Yeah, she was.
Do you know--

You know, I think--
I think I look--

I look more like my father.

[♪♪♪]