08x04 - Selling Sam Short

[bunniefuu]

-[CAR HONKS]
-TONY: Okay, so,

let's see,
we went to the dry cleaner's,

we hit the bank.

[GROANS]

Okay, uh, we went
to the hardware store.

So, all that's left is, uh,
we got to go by the garage

and, uh, pick my car up.

-[CRASH]
-[TONY GRUNTS]

And drop yours off.

Oh, no!

Are you okay?

-Well, yeah, I think so.
-Good. Good.

What kind of jerk are you?
Look at what you did!

Sam-- Sam, please,
let me handle this.

Are you trying
to get somebody k*lled?

-Uh, honey-- honey please let--
-Do you have some kind of

sick James Dean death wish?

It's okay. You handle it.
I'll handle crowd control.

My record was perfect
until you just plowed into me.

Now, hold on. I'm the one
that's sitting here with--

with a dent
in my brand-new Carrera 2!

I mean-- I mean you--
you have a, uh, a tiny crack

in one of your


Oh, excuse me for not driving
a Porsche, Mr. Snob.

Hey, I am not a snob,
and that is Por-sha.

Just hand over some I.D., Ace.

You know, you got a big mouth
for someone

-who's only 5'2" and 100--
-That's enough.

Just-- just pay for the damages

so I can get out of here,
please.

I'm not paying for that.

Well, you better do something
about it.

Oh, I'm gonna do something
about it, all right.

-Oh, yeah? What?
-I'm gonna take you out

-to dinner.
-Oh, yeah? When?

-Friday. Eight o'clock.
-Fine! Don't be late.

All right. Come on.
Let's move along. Move along.

We don't need a crowd.

Go ahead. Move. Move,
move, move, move, move.

h*-- h*-- Hold it. Hold it.
Hey! Stop. Come on.

That way. Let's go.
Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

I hate those rubberneckers.

-Come on, let's get out of here.
-Are-- are you okay Sam?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Hey, you know,
there's nothing worse

-than a guy in a Porsche.
-I'll say.

And-- and-- and that's Por-sha.

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for living' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life
A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

All right, Angela, look.

You're guarding your man, right?

-Hmm.
-So, you don't want him to pass

or drive around you.

So, you gotta get in his face
and distract him, okay?

-Okay.
-All right, come on, try.

[MOCKS]

I said distract him,
not annoy him.

Oh. You mean like this?

[TONY MOANS]

[DRIBBLING]

Two points! Two points!

-[SCREAMS]
-You, get over here, you.

-[BALL BURSTS]
-Oh.

Oops. Sorry, sir.

You. You. What--
what do you got against us?

Look what you just did
to my new Air Jordan ball.

Now it's just a Jordan.

I'll replace it right after
we get back from dinner.

-We? Who we?
-Your daughter and I.

You're going out
with my daughter?

Yeah, for a couple of weeks now.

Oh, boy. Hi!
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Pierce, I thought you're gonna
pick me up at the dorm.

Well, I was a little early.
Your roommate told me

-you'd be here.
-Huh.

Isn't this nice, huh?
Look at this here.

The two of you like a--
like a pair of comfy old shoes.

And me
like an ignorant old sock.

It's, uh,
just a little dinner, Dad.

-And we're a little late, so...
-Oh, good. Oh, da, da, da, da.

Why don't you have dinner
with us, dear Pierce?

Hey, you like baked ziti?

Always been my favorite, too.
Come on. Come on in. Come on in.

Come right in the house here.

You can run, but you can't hide.

Come on. Hey, everybody! Hey!

Look who's here.

Samantha and her new boyfriend,
Pierce.

Oh, hello. I didn't know
you had a new boyfriend.

Oh, you didn't know?
Oh, it's old news.

I've known
for nearly a minute now.

Oh, so, how did you two meet?

-Well, Sam crashed into my car.
-Oh, you--

Oh. Good aim.

Dad, I know what you're up to.

You want to give him
the third degree, right.

No, no. I want to have
a nice little dinner

and a little
casual conversation.

So, Pierce. How old are you?
What do you do for a living?

And what's wrong with girls
your own age?

Garlic bread?

Uh, 27. I work on Wall Street.
They're fine, too.

And no, thanks. I'm allergic.

Boy, I hope I answered those
in the right order.

So, 27, huh?
So, I guess that Porsche

must be like
a midlife crisis thing, huh?

That's funny. Mona,
would you mind showing

Pierce into the living room
while I help Dad with dinner.

I'd love to. Your mistake
wasn't hitting Sam.

It was failing to run down Tony.

PIERCE: Oh.

-Look, look, Sam. I was just--
-Being you. I know.

And that is exactly
why I didn't tell you about him.

It's always something, isn't it?
I mean, Pierce is too old.

And the one before him
was too lazy.

And the one before him
was a vegetarian.

He reeked of carrots,
that guy.

Dad, I am 19 years old.

When are you gonna learn
to trust me?

-Well, I--
-[DOOR OPENS]

-Am-- am-- am I that bad?
-[DOOR CLOSES]

As bad as your haircut.

All right, look.
From now on, I'm a new man.

I'm a new man. I'm--
I'm going to be a--

a supportive, uh,
an understanding,

-a trusting father.
-Well, good for you, Tony.

All right, good.
Let's get some hors d'oeuvres

for the cradle robber.

I'm working on it.
I'm working on it.

So, Pierce,
do you have a father?

Yes.

-Is he rich?
-Yes.

Do you have a mother?

Yes.

Is she dead?

Hey, uh, Pierce, look.
I'm, uh...

I'm sorry
about grilling you like that.

Oh, that's okay.
It seems to run in the family.

I'm really interested
in what you do. You know, I--

I happen to be
a bit of a finance buff myself.

Uh, you know, I even watch
Wall Street Week.

Well, if you really want
to know...

[CLEARS THROAT]
...I establish

diversified portfolios
using bull spreads

and bear spreads
to take advantage

of risk arbitrage opportunities.

Well, I don't watch it
every week, you know.

Sometimes The Rifleman is on.

I got to go. Uh, oh.

If Mom runs a fever, call me.

[CHUCKLES] Risk arbitrage.
That's very impressive.

Your accounts
must be fairly large.

Eh, average is about five
or 600.

Don't worry about that, Pierce.
You know, you start small

and you-- you work your way up.
[CHUCKLES]

Dad, that's five
or six hundred thousand.

Dollars? Oh, come on!

Who-- who'd give him
that kind of money?

-He's just a kid.
-Tony, he's obviously

very bright and I'm sure
people trust him.

Right. Right. Right.

Yes, he seems, uh,
he seems very trustworthy.

Pfft. Now I know
what a bull spread is.

-No, I mean it, Sam.
-Uh-huh.

No, I do. In fact, I happen
to have a little mad money

stashed away and, uh,
I was thinking

maybe Pierce here
would handle it for me.

-Are you serious?
-Yes, I'm serious.

I mean, it's not in
the half a million-dollar league

it's not even in the ballpark.
I mean, it's just about
pays for parking.

-But, uh, you know.
-That-- that's okay.

I-- I do handle
smaller accounts.

Uh, Tony, you don't need
to do this.

The baked ziti may be enough.

I want to do it.
I want to do it.

Hey, I trust Pierce
with my money.

Hey, I trust him with my Sam.
I'm a very trusting guy.

Now, all of youse.
Cover your eyes.

Nobody sees where I hide
my money.

Go! Go! Come on. Go!

Go! Go! You can do it.
You can do it. Ooh, so close.

-Big hockey game?
-No, the financial news.

Teldar is sitting there
like a rock.

Pierce promised me
it would go up today

and it hasn't.
The pressure is k*lling me.

Hey, you're playing
in the big leagues now.

Think how Donald Trump
would handle this?

Yes, yes. Donald Trump.
Of course.

-Here come the stock figures.
-Oh, Marla, hold my hand.

You know, Tony,

maybe the market isn't for you.
You know, it takes a personality

that can handle
the ups and downs.

Yeah, yeah, maybe you're right,
Angela.

Maybe, I should cut my losses
before I have any.

-Whoa! Look.
-What? What?

Oh! Oh, look at this.
Teldar's up half a point.

A half a point! I'm rich!
I'm rich!

And you tried
to talk me out of this.

-Way to go, Marla.
-I always liked Ivana better.

Wh--

I got to call Pierce.

I hope he's around.

[CHUCKLES] Last five
or six times I called him,

they told me he was in the john.

I think he's as excited
about this deal as I am.

Hello, Pierce. Hey, buddy.
Pal o' mine.

Did you see? Teldar just
went through the roof.

-Well, I-- I saw it on my TV.
-A ten-inch color portable?

Yeah. How--
how'd you know that?

-Uh, Tony--
-Please, Angela.
This is a business call.

I don't mind.

Oh, Pierce.

Come here, you.

Pretend you're not a protestant.
Give me a hug. [CHUCKLES]

Dad, Dad, Dad, let him go.

Never. Never.
I'm crazy about this guy.

Isn't that right, you goose
that laid the golden eggs?

[PIERCE GROANS]

Honk, honk, sir.

Honk, honk. That's great.

I'm, uh, glad
you two are getting along.

Come on, Pierce.
We'll be late for dinner.

Oh, dinner. What a great idea.
What a great idea, huh?

We can celebrate. We'll eat,
drink, and talk market strategy.

Oh, Tony. I don't think

Pierce wants to talk
shop all night.

Are you kidding me? He's a bull,
he's a bear, he's an animal.

[LAUGHS] Come on. Let's go out
and k*ll something and eat it.

I think I liked it better

when dad hated
all my boyfriends.

Don't worry about it, honey.

I think it's just
a temporary thing.

Do you mind if I call you son?

Come on.

Mother. Mother.

Don't-- don't-- don't play
with Tony's computer

it's not a toy.

I am not playing.

This is a lot more serious than
Tony's dumb investment stuff.

Well, what're you doing?

I'm computerizing
my little black books.

I have 'em cross referenced,
indexed and rated.

-Rated?
-Yeah, look.

[KEYBOARD CLACKS]

-Nateri... Mike.
-[KEY CLICKS]

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

Gee, I gotta call him
more often.

-Hi, Sam.
-Hi.

Hi, honey. How are you doing?
How's Pierce?

Ask dad.

He's always dragging him
to seminars.

To stockholders’ meetings.

He has more dates with him
than I do.

Well, than tell--
tell him to back off.

No, how can I?

I mean, this is the first time
he has ever approved

of one of my boyfriends,
you know,

and he's having fun
and he's making money and...

I can't take it away from him,
you know,

I mean, you'd--
you'd have to have

ice water in your veins.
A heart of stone.

Angela, you can do it.

-What? Wait, why me?
-You're good at it.

You fired that art director.

Two days before Christmas.

Mother-- Mother, he--
he was stealing from the firm.

Only to buy food
for his three lovely children.

-Emily, Molly and Tiny Tim.
-He was a bachelor.

-All alone on Christmas.
-He was Jewish.

I'm a nice person. Really, I am.

Hey, h* h*!
Got the cable for the modem.

-Hiya there, Sam.
-Hi, Dad.

How's it going? How's Pierce?

Oh, never mind. Never mind
I'll ask him myself.

You see, from now on,

Pierce and I
are in constant contact.

"Rockefeller to Golden Goose."

Come in!

♪ Christmas
Christmas time is here ♪

Bye, Dad.

Bye, Sam.

You know, um, Tony...

maybe, uh, you shouldn't take up
so much of the Goose's time.

-Oh, he doesn't mind.
-Maybe Sam does.

No. No. Are you kidding me?

She's so happy
that we get along so well.

Uh, you know, Tony,

sometimes when a relationship
is new,

the people involved

should spend time together,
alone.

Oh, I get it.

-I knew you'd understand.
-Of course. Of course.

I mean, here we are,
in this new relationship,

and I'm spending all my time
with Pierce.

Come here. Come here.
Come here.

You miss your Tony?

-I do-- I do not!
-You don't?

No! You--
That's not what I mean.

What I mean is,
you've gone overboard

with this investment thing.
You're obsessed.

Obsessed?
What are you talking about?

How can you think--

-[LAUGHS]
-What? What?

Oh, I get it. I get it. Sure.

It's not Pierce
you're jealous of.

You're jealous of me.

What?

I mean, I am the new golden boy
of Wall Street,

And it's eating you up.

-Oh, yeah. That's it.
-And-- and let me tell you

I can understand why.
I can understand why.

I mean, every day
you go out there

and you-- and you work hard
to bring home the bacon.

And me?

I just sit here
and wait for the bacon

to come to me.

You have lost it, Porky.

I haven't lost anything.

Here, this morning,
Teldar opened at 28,

and now it's at 15! [LAUGHS]

Fifteen?

That-- that can't be right.

It is. I'm ruined.
I'm wiped out.

Thank God, I kept my day job.

Now,
with this conservative strategy

-encompassing a high-risk--
-[DOOR OPENS]

[PANTS] Fifteen! It fell to 15!

We're all paupers.
Come on, guys,

we'll all jump together.

What are you doing?

It's Armageddon.
The market is falling.

The market is falling!

No. No. Don't listen
to this man.

He's a lunatic. He don't know
what he's talking about.

He still drives an American car.

And proud of it.

What are you, crazy?
You could have caused
an international panic.

[GRUNTS] You!
You, who I trusted.

You know, I never trusted

one of my daughter's
boyfriends before,

and life was sweet.

Then the first time
I let my guard down,

bang! Zoom!
Right to the poorhouse.

That's nuts.
Teldar's doing great.

The stock just split today.

-Split?
-Yes.

When a stock splits,
it means you have

twice the number of shares.

I know what a stock split means.

What do you think I am,
a pinhead?

American car!

[ALL LAUGH]

[TONY LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

So, wait a minute. That means,
I got twice the number of shares

for just about half the cost,
right? That comes to, uh...

Give me that.

[EXCLAIMS]
Twenty-seven thousand yen!

-Is that good?
-Couple hundred bucks.

[CHEERS] You know,
what this means, don't you?

-What?
-I'm breaking out the money

I got hidden
in the toaster oven. [EXCLAIMS]

Sam, we got to do something
about your father.

I-- I can't eat. I can't sleep.

And look, male pattern baldness.

I'm-- I'm sorry, and I'm sorry
about your hair,

but-- but I've tried everything.

I mean, I even had Angela
talk to him,

but he is impossible.

He's dangerous.
The man almost caused

an international panic today
because he thought

he lost
a couple of hundred dollars.

Really?

Wait... a minute.

That is the answer.

What is?

Wipe him out.

I can't do that.

He's got other money.
In his sock drawer,

under the mattress,
in the freezer.

He even has some
in a real bank.

Oh, Sam, there's got to be
another way.

Dammit, Pierce,
you're not listening to me!

I said wipe him out,
bring him to his knees!

It's the only way, you fool!

Sam, get a hold of yourself.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just--

I'm desperate.

Well, so am I. I mean,
the guy is relentless.

Tell me about it.
I've lived with him
for the past 19 years.

You know, this always happens
when guys like him

-decide to dabble in the market.
-Yeah.

Guys like him?

Oh, you know,
the little investor.

They give you
a couple hundred bucks,

they think they own you.

Oh, uh-huh.

I'll tell you
there is nothing worse

than a small-timer
who thinks he's Rockefeller.

Excuse me, Pierce.

My father worked very hard
for his money.

Exactly where did I lose you?

-When you insulted my father.
-Well, you were doing it, too.

Yeah, but I'm his daughter.
That's my job.

But you...

[SCOFFS] ...you are a snob.

Oh, we're back to that again.

Well, you know, maybe,
I do look like a snob

to people who hide their money
in major appliances.

You know, I don't think
my father is the problem at all.

-I think it's you.
-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah!
-I'm out of here.

Fine. And do me a favor, okay.
Don't come back.

-Don't you worry--
-Whoa! Whoa! Oh, hey, hey.

Oh, oh, hey.

This is Pierce
you're talking to.

You know, we-- we all love
the Piercemeister.

Forget it. It's over between us.

[WHIMPERS] All of us?

I was defending you, okay?
He called you a small-timer.

-Oh, he-- he said that?
-And worse.

Wow! Well...

you know what I always say,
Sam...

sticks and stones
will break my bones,

but with all that money,
who cares?

-We're better off
without him, Dad.
-Oh, speak for yourself, Sam.

Pierce.

Just like my life.

-Aw, my poor baby.
-Oh, Angela. Aw.

Pierce!

You're back. Oh, you--
you shouldn't have.

Well, actually,
these are for Sam, sir.

Oh, that's-- that's even better,
'cause, you know,

you-- you just get me
some aftershave.

Uh, Sam, somebody's here
for you.

Oh, I can't wait to see
her little face light up

when she sees you.

Oh, hi.

-Hi.
-Oh, the magic's back, Angela.

Tony, I don't think

-they need us here.
-Yeah, Angela, please

-I want to stay, Angela.
-Tony.

Pretty flowers.

Very nice of you.

I felt bad.
There was things said

that shouldn't have been,
you know?

That's true.

You did say
some pretty harsh things.

Harsh?
No, no. You just misunderstood.

Oh, I misunderstood?

So, this whole thing
was my fault?

Well, there you go
misunderstanding again.

Then why don't you
just leave again?

-Nothing would make me happier.
-So, then what's keeping you?

This.

All right. Huh, Angela?
The kids straightened it out.

I told you
they'd straighten it out.

That's great, kids.
Kids, that-- Kids-- Kids!

-Sorry, sir.
-It's all right, son.

Now, pull yourself together.
We got business to talk about.

-Uh, Tony, I know--
-Now, please.

Please, this can't wait.

Pierce, you're fired.

I am?

That's right. I decided
that business and family,

they don't mix.

Oh, I appreciate that, sir.

But as your broker of record,
I do feel

it's my duty to tell you
about this new stock offer.

Oh, no, no. Please, please,
please. I don't even want
to hear about it.

You can make a lot of money.

♪ Clang, clang, clang
Went the trolley ♪

Okay, okay, I tried.

Thanks, Dad.
I know that wasn't easy.

Oh, no. That was-- it was easy.
Are you kidding me?

Your-- your happiness
is much more important

than any amount of money. Muah!

All right, go ahead. Go ahead,
you kids. Go have fun.

Go ahead. Be careful,
and... enough kissing.

-You did good, Tony.
-Thank you.

Thank you. Who's your broker?

-What?
-Well,

you heard Pierce. I can make
a lot of money. I need a broker.

Um, my broker's dead.

Since when?

Since you showed interest
in him.

Come on. Come on, come on,
Angela, look.

What about our new, caring,
giving relationship?

♪ Clang, clang, clang
Went the trolley ♪

That's very immature of you,
Angela.

♪ Ding, ding, ding
Went the bell ♪

TONY: Who's the Boss
will be back in a moment.

Stick around.

[EXCLAIMS, CHUCKLES]

All pumped up and ready to go,
just like me.

Uh, so what--
what are we playing to?

Twenty.

And how many points
are you spotting me?

Eighteen.

So that means
I just have to make

one basket to win.

That's right, hotshot.

[GRUNTS]

Got to be the shoes.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]