07x24 - The Road to Washington: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

Uh, come on, Chappy,
where are ya?

-Who's Chappy?
-Uh, you know, he's the--

he's the groundskeeper
over at the college.

He's got a bat autographed
by Willie Mays,

and he's selling it.
And tonight,

yours truly is gonna sucker him
out of it. [CHUCKLES]

Come on, Chappy.

-This spider wants his fly.
-[CHUCKLES]

You know, Tony, you've got quite
a collection already.

You have
a Brooklyn Dodger's pendant,

you have a light bulb
from Shea Stadium.

-What's this?
-TONY: Oh, that's--

that's Carl Yastrzemski's
tobacco spittle.

[GASPS] Oh, yuck! Ugh!

-Get it away!
-Oh, hey, if you--

if you feel that way,
you probably don't wanna see

what I got from George Brett's
hemorrhoid years, huh?

-SAMANTHA: Anybody home?
-In here, honey.

-Is Sam here again?
-Oh, where else do you go

when you break up
with your boyfriend?

-The Stevedores' Union.
-[BOTH SCOFF]

-So, how is she now?
-Uh, she's, you know--

Idiots! Doesn't anybody know
how to drive anymore?

When I honk,
it means to move out of the way.

And this humidity! I just love
sweating 28 hours a day.

Fix the rug.

She's a tad cranky, you know.

-Yeah.
-[DOORBELL RINGS]

All right, all right,
it's Chappy. [GIGGLES]

-[DOORBELL RINGS]
-A sucker always rings twice.

-Hey, Chappy!
-Hi.

-Come on in there, buddy.
-[CHUCKLES] All right.

[CHUCKLES] Chappy,
this is Mona and Angela.

-CHAPPY: Howdy, howdy.
-Hello.

I barely made it.

Oh, some sweaty little
brown-haired girl

was honking at me like mad.

And so, I just stop
and give her the old--

Oh, it's okay.

We'll fill in the blanks there,
Chap. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] There she is, Tony,

-my beloved Willie Mays.
-Oh.

I figure it ought to be worth,
uh, about $200.

-[CHUCKLES]
-Fair price.

Chappy, Chappy, I think

you're living in your own
private little Idaho there, pal.

[CHUCKLES] I--
I think you're gonna--

you're gonna have to come down
at least a 100

to get a response.

Oh, I don't know, Tony,
you got me over a barrel.

-I, uh, need the money.
-[CHUCKLES]

The government is thinking
of cutting back on my Medicare.

That's terrible!

I know.
I gotta start saving money.

If somethin' happens,
I'll be wiped out.

Out on the street,
cold and alone.

Go in for the k*ll.

-Go in for the k*ll!
-Mona!

So, uh,
so you're saying 100, huh?

-No, I, uh, said, uh, 200.
-And I'll pitch in 100.

And another 100, uh, from her.

Aw, you're just feeling sorry
for me.

Well, uh, uh, yes, yes. And,

for you and for all
senior citizens. I mean,

every time you turn around,

Washington is stickin' it
to the little guy.

What am I gonna do?
Fight the US Government?

I can't even work
my toaster oven.

You-- You gotta stand up
for yourself here, Chappy.

I mean-- mean--
Senior citizens should be--

should be taken care of.
They should be revered

and respected, and--
and held up on a pedestal.

[BURPS] Sorry.
I had onion rings.

Nevertheless,
I'm getting fed up.

I mean, If they're not cutting
care for the elderly,

they're--
they're cutting education.

It's got to stop!
It's got to stop!

And that's why I wanted
to get together with you.

I mean, Silver Citizens
is one of the most effective

elderly rights groups
around today.

And we're here to make sure

that we defeat that
Medicare cutback proposal

-no matter what it takes.
-And to help get the word out,

I'm putting my
advertising agency
at your disposal.

Now-- Now, my-- my talents
are a-- a bit more domestic.

I could arrange a bake sale
to-- to raise money.

I make a coconut cluster
that'll put hair on your ankles.

Oh, I've got a better idea,
Tony.

We were given time next week

-to speak
to a senate committee...
-TONY: Oh.

and we need
an eloquent spokesman.

-I think you'd be perfect.
-Yeah, yeah.

You know, a young man like you
representing us

would-- would really shake
Washington up.

Oh, wow, wow.

-[CHUCKLES] Me and Washington?
-MAN: Yeah, you.

-Sure. You could go, too.
-Oh. [CHUCKLES]

-Sound good, Chappy?
-Well, great.

I'll pack my skivvies
and we'll be off.

Aw, now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Forget about your skivvies.
[CHUCKLES]

No, no,
I forgot my skivvies once,

that's why they call me Chappy.

Okay, thank you,

thank you for sharing that
with me, big guy, but, uh--

but, uh, I mean, I have to think
about this, you know?

-Stop thinking and do it.
-Uh, wait a minute.

You think I'm just gonna up
and leave you
with my responsibilities?

But you won't.
We'll take the whole family.

We'll go to Washington
for a couple days.
See the sights.

You mean this doesn't sound
crazy to you?

What? That they chose
one of the most sincere,

well-spoken men I know
to be their spokesperson? No.

[CHUCKLES] Hey, hey!
Hey, Washington,

-here I come, huh?
-[ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

Hey, guys, isn't this great,
huh?

Nothing beats the train.
[CHUCKLES]

A plane does.

Squirt's right. There isn't even
a movie on this tin can.

What? Wa-- Wait a minute.
Who needs a movie

when you got--
you got all this great scenery?

Come on, it's dark and rainy.
We can't see anything anyway.

All right. well,
who needs scenery, huh?

This-- This train ride is a--
is a great chance for us

to be one big, happy family.

-I'm bored.
-Stop whining.

-I'm warning you two.
-He started it.

-Did not!
-Oh, bug off.

That's the spirit. [CHUCKLES]

Oh. Hey, Sam,
how you doing, honey?

Terrific.
Watching the countryside go by

-has really helped my mood.
-Oh, good, good.

-What are you writing?
-A poem I wrote.

It-- It's called
"The Land That Heals."

-Aw. Could-- Could I hear it?
-Uh, sure, sure.

"Let me flow along this river,
let me glide along the dusk,

let me stick a power drill
into my ex-boyfriend's head

and drill
until his brains leak out."

That's-- That's nice, Sam.
That's nice.

It's nice.

-Sam feeling any better?
-Oh, yeah.

She-- She's a different person.

You-- You don't want to go
near her after dark.

So, uh, how's the speech coming?

Oh, I think it's comin'
pretty good, you know.

I mean, uh, it cost me
a whole night's sleep

but, uh, but after seven drafts,
I-- I think I got it. [CHUCKLES]

Well, you know, if you need
a sounding board...

Really? I--
I'd love you to hear it.

-Yeah?
-Yeah, yeah, sure. Oh. Oh.

Mm, oh, man, I'm a little--
Okay, a little tired. [CHUCKLES]

-Um, okay, now you be honest,
okay?
-Oh, okay, I will.

"Ladies and gentlemen,
America's senior citizens

are a shining light
on a dark horizon--"

Oy.

O-- Oy? What do you mean "Oy"?
What's the matter?

-It's-- It's no good?
-Oh, no, it's just a little...

...sickeningly gloppy.

-Gee, Angela, don't hold back.
-Uh...

No, you--
I was just trying to be honest.

Well, honesty's good.
Honesty's good.

Look, let me skip down
a little bit here.
Try this, try this.

"By 1998,

senior citizens will make up
more than 13 percent

-of the entire--"
-Oy.

"Oy"? "Oy"? What's the matter?
None of that was sickening,

-or gloppy.
-[STUTTERING]

Well, it's w-- worse,
sort of, Tony.

You know, it's-- it's dull.
It's-- It's statistics.

You see, you might as well
sh**t them

with tranquilizer darts.

All right, look, forget honesty.
Try lying.

-It's a brilliant speech.
-You think so?

-Well, sort of, I do.
-[CHUCKLES]

Sorry, Tony. I didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.

-Ah, it's all right.
-I really didn't--

-[GASPS]
-[BRAKES SQUEAL]

-Wait a minute.
-What-- we can't be
there already.

Hey! Washington looks so rural.

I mean, all I see is-- all I see
is cows and farms and a...

And a sign that says
"Welcome to Delaware."

Everyone, please.
We have a little problem.

Yeah, yeah. We're in Delaware.

There's a mud slide
on the tracks up ahead.

Well-- Well,
wait a minute. Look,

I got-- I got an appointment
at ten in the morning.

Now level with me. How long
are we gonna be stuck here?

Probably, all night.

We should have taken the plane.

Please, sir. We're stuck here.

There's no way to clear
the tracks before daylight.

Well, how about buckets?

We'll get big buckets
and we'll scoop our way out.

-We'll scoop--
I'm a great scooper!
-[BLOWS A RASPBERRY]

One time,
I'm on this leaky dinghy,

-you should've seen me
scoop it--
-Tony, Tony, Tony!

They're doing the best they can.
The best thing you can do

-is try to get some sleep.
-Yeah, I am.

Oh, what if Chappy's a snorer?

You know,
he looks like a snorer.

Hey, don't worry.
We'll get there.

-[SIGHS]
-By the way,

you're gonna be
wonderful tomorrow.

Thanks, Angela.

-Goodnight.
-Goodnight.

[GROANS]

Uh, Tony!

-Chappy and-- and friend.
[CHUCKLES]
-Hello.

Uh, excuse me, Florence.

My bunky and I have got to have
a talk.

-Uh, hurry back.
-Oh, I will.

Tony, you missed
the signal.

-What signal?
-The hanger on the door.

That means,
if this room's a-rockin',

don't come a-knockin'.

Chap-- Chappy, this is my room,
too.

I need my rest.
I didn't get a s--

I didn't sleep at all
last night.

And I got a big day tomorrow.

Well, with any luck,
I'm gonna have
a big night tonight.

All right, uh,
I'll tell her to leave

if that's what you want.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-ANGELA: Hi. What's up?
-Chappy's libido.

-He's entertaining.
-Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Hey, Mona's not here?

Uh, no. It's, uh, karaoke night
in the club car.

Oh, well, good. She'll probably
be gone all night then, huh?

You think I could use her bunk?

-Oh, of-- of-- of course s--
-Oh, thanks. Great. Great.

-I really need sleep, you know?
-Yeah.

-Right.
-I really, really do.

[GRUNTING]

No, come on.
Please. Please. Just work!

Just work. I'm so tired. Please.

Oh, this must be what hell
is like.

Warmer, perhaps, and noisy

with the anguished cry
of the undead...

But otherwise, just the same.

Tony, I'll get the conductor.
Maybe he can fix it.

No, don't get him.
He hates me already.

Look, you mind?
I think I'll just sleep here

right on the floor, okay?

-Oh. Oh-- oh, okay.
-[SIGHS] Okay. Yeah.

-Excuse me. This will be fine.
-Yeah?

Yeah, sure. This--
This will be great.

[GRUNTS]

-Looks comfortable.
-Uh, oh, yeah. Snug as a bug.

-Tony, get up.
-[GROANS]

I think I just inhaled
a dust ball.

-[GROANS]
-ANGELA: Look,

this is an emergency situation.
There's only one logical option.

We mount cows and gallop
into Washington?

We share this bed.

Oh, Tony! Tony! Tony!
Tony, stop!

Stop it! There is nothing
to be uptight about.

We're best friends,

and I see my best friend
exhausted and needing rest

for a very important day
tomorrow.

Yeah, but, Angela, I don't know,
I mean, you're you and I'm me...

Tony Micelli, get in this bed!

-Good.
-Okay.

-[SIGHS]
-Yeah.

Now... just pretend
like we're alone.

Yeah. Yeah. I--
I'll pretend like I'm--

-I'm sleeping alone, huh? Hey.
-Right.

-Tony.
-Yeah?

-Tony,
-Yeah?

-You're not alone.
-Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-I like to sleep on my side,
you know?
-[EXHALES]

-Okay. Okay.
-[SIGHS]

Okay, how's that?
Is that better?

-Oh, yeah.
-Okay.

-Yeah, that's much better.
-Hmm.

Okay, good night. Good night,
Angela.

Good night, Tony.

You know, that, uh...

...that perfume you're wearing
is, uh...

...is wow.

I'm not wearing perfume.

Oh?

-Good night.
-Yeah, yeah.

Good-- Good night, Angela.

Oh, I mean,
who are we kidding, Angela?

I mean, it's one thing
to be mature and adult,

I mean, you know?

But it's another thing to be--
to be in the same bed.

A little bed, I might add.

And m-- my heart's pounding,
our-- our minds racing.

I mean, I'm going crazy,
and I know you are, too.

Angela. Angela--

-Why didn't you put a hanger
on the door?
-Oh, please!

This-- This is not what
it looks like.

-Mm-hmm.
-Angela, Angela.

Oh, Tony.

Or sounds like.

Whoa!

Did you already tell them that
this is not what it looks like?

Listen, I-- Chappy needed
his space

and I needed a place to bunk.

So, why didn't you use
the upper bunk?

It-- It was stuck!
It wouldn't open.

I-- I must have loosened it
last night.

I think you loosened
a couple of things last night.

Nothing happened, okay? Nothing.

We know, we know.
Nothing's happened

all these years.
Why should it change now?

Oh, well, it could have.

Oh, yeah, not even
the romance of a train

could get you two together.

Oh-- Oh, yeah, Mona? Oh, y--
Let me

-tell you something, Mona,
-Oh.

Oh, I could--
I could tell you plenty.

Uh, me and Angela could tell
you plenty about last night.

I saw fireworks myself.

Why don't you go get dressed?
Go get dressed!

T-- Tony, um, you sound like
you're a little bit on edge.

Didn't you get much
sleep last night?

Other than blinking,
my eyes never closed.

Oh, you lost
another night's sleep.

You poor thing.

-What's with the grin?
-Nothing.

Uh, it's just very flattering
that, as tired as you were,

you couldn't sleep
lying next to me.

Unlike some people.

That's true, but, um,
I slept more warm and sound

lying next to you last night
than I have in-- in months,

And in a way, that's as special
as anything else

that could have happened.

Yeah?

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

-Whoa.
-Whoa.

Hey, we're moving!

-We're moving!
-Finally!

Hey, you know, if we go right
to the senate,

we'll make it in plenty
of time.

Uh, Tony, I think
you ought to get some sleep.

You need it. Desperately.

No, no, no. Me, me?
No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

A 100 percent, a 100 percent.

Besides, we'll be landing
in 40 minutes.

Tony, Tony, we--
we're on a train.

Oh, good, good, good.

I thought we were cruising
a bit low. [CHUCKLES]

Y-- You know, a metal detector
is so impersonal.

Maybe you should pat me down.

-How you feeling, Tony?
-Like a million bucks, Jonathan.

-But you're so dead tired.
-Yeah, well,

you know, a shower
and a gallon of coffee,

I feel like a new man.

Our next speaker on the issue
of Medicare cutbacks

-is, uh, Mr. Anthony Micelli.
-That's me. [CHUCKLES]

-Good morning. I'm tony Micelli.
-Good morning.

We understand that you represent
Silver Citizens.

Is that correct?

Good morning. I'm Tony Micelli.

You already said that.

Uh, Mr. Micelli, you have

-a statement to make.
-TONY: Yes, yes.

You bet I do, you bet I do,

but first I'd like
to introduce myself.
I'm Tony Micelli.

And I'm-- I'm--
And since I am here

to discuss the rights
of the elderly,

I thought
it would be a good idea

to bring along this old goat.

His name is Chappy.
He's a decent man, a caring man,

and you know, from this angle,

his nose looks like a big,
funny rock. [LAUGHS]

For God's sake,
get the net ready.

-Tony. Tony. Excuse me.
-[CHUCKLES]

-Read your speech.
-Oh, my speech?

You said my speech was dull.

You said, "Oy."
"Oy," you said. "Oy!"

Her-- Her "Oys"
are like verbal daggers.

Tony, you're not all right.
You're delirious.

Oh, if I was delirious,
could I do this, Angela?

No, Tony. Tony, Tony, Tony,
This is the US Senate.

You do not tap dance
in the US senate.

Well, maybe that's what's wrong
with America, Angela.

Too much high-tech weaponry,
and not enough tap dancing.

Tony! Tony! Tony!

-Read your speech.
-Yeah, okay. Yes, yes.

You know what?
I wanna stand for this.

My legs need stretching,

and Chappy
had onion rings again.

I'm here to address...

the proposed
Medicare cutbacks to...

...older... Americans.

[CHUCKLES] Wow.
Hey, that's pretty neat.

How fast can you do that?
Can you do it this fast?

Mr. Micelli.

Whoa. [CHUCKLES]

Cool-a-mundo. I'm on camera.

Can you please get on
with your statement, sir?

Oh, yes, yes my statement.
Here's my statement--

I want you to help old people,
so help them.

This is Wolf Blitzer
on Capitol Hill.

Now back'
to Here Come the Brides
already in progress.

Dad, you are so tired.
Let's just get you back

-to the hotel.
-Oh, my bosom mate,

my little baby Samantha.

This angel was hurt by love.

Go ahead, Sam. Go ahead,
read your poem to them.

-Go ahead.
-Oh, no, Dad, I don't think so.

Oh, no, come on, Sam.

"Drill into his head until
his brains leak out." Go ahead.

And-- And they gave her
a C in third grade English.

Tony, think about
what you're doing.

You're not helping Chappy
and you're not helping

-your cause.
-Huh.

You're done for the day,
Mr. Micelli.

-I'm calling a lunch break.
-Oh, h*!

You're calling a lunch break,
huh?

Well, isn't that just
like you politicians?

-Pardon me?
-Uh-huh, uh!

Dining on roast duck
and caviar

and-- and suckin' down
wine spritzers

while America's senior citizens
go on being neglected.

Shame. Shame on all of us
for what we do.

Forgotten by family,
forgotten by friends,

and, worst of all,

forgotten by the government
of their own country.

A country that they worked
their whole lives for.

Fought in wars for.

Shame, shame on all of us!
Shame!

We are facing a deficit,
Mr. Micelli.

-We have to make cuts.
-Oh.

You have to make cuts, huh?

Well, would you like to see just
who your cuts are hurting?

They're hurting
decent men like Chappy.

All right, Chappy, stand up.
Let them get a good look at ya.

Why? So they can see my funny,
rock-like nose?

No matter. I'm fighting for you.

I'm fighting for all
older Americans,

and I say to them,

"Do not go gentle
into that good night.

Rage, rage against
a dying light."

Wow. Did I just make that up?

No, it's a poem by Dylan Thomas.

Oh, rats!

Mr. Micelli, I think
we've heard quite enough.

No, you haven't.
There's one more thing
I have to say!

Angela and I did not sleep
together last night!

There. There.
Your reputation's safe.

It's in
the congressional record.

Was that really
your natural scent?

[STAMMERING]
That's all folks!

Oy.

TONY: Who's The Boss?
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

ANGELA: Next week
on Who's the Boss?

I'm Christine Morrison and I'm
from Senator Webber's office.

And I hope we can persuade
you to work with us.

Tony, I like you.

And I think we work
great together.

And I'm not just talking
professionally.

I know you're after him.
You're not going to get him.

Tony and I are good together.
And nobody,

especially you,
is going to get in the way.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]