07x19 - Let Me Tell You 'Bout the Birds and the Bees

[bunniefuu]

[CLATTERING]

Hey, hey, whoa! How are you
doing under there? Almost done?

-[PLUMBER MUMBLING]
-[CLATTERING]

Hey, weren't you in d*ck Tracy?

-Oh, great, Mona--
-Don't "great, Mona" me.

Hey, Einstein!

I've got to get ready
for a date.

A little shower would be nice.

Not that Ray would mind.
He's such an animal. [CHUCKLES]

-But I have my pride.
-Yeah. Hey, listen, Mona, Mona,

he's working on it,
but I have to go teach my class.

Could you stay
until he's finished?

Ah, forget it. I'm gonna go hose
off in the Henderson's yard.

Come on, Mona, Mona.
Really, I need your help here.

I don't wanna be late.
This-- this part-time tutorial

could lead to a full-time job
after I graduate.

Well, how long
is this gonna take?

I'll know better after I look
at the basement.

God knows what you people
have got down there.

That is the oldest scam
in the book,

-Mr. Badwrench!
-[PLUMBER GROANS]

-Mona, listen, listen please.
-Tony.

Tony, the guy
has gotta be a crook.

Now, no honest plumber
can afford hair plugs.

I can't work
with all this criticism.

Come on, get back to work.

-Your hair looks great. Come on.
-[GROANS]

Mona, come on.
You're gonna mess this up.

You'll never gonna get
your shower.

Now, please, will you stay?
And-- and please

think before you speak.

-Okay, okay.
-Thank you.

Hey, listen, I-- I gotta run,
but-- but that nice lady Mona

is going to stay
until you finish.

PLUMBER: What nice lady?

Uh, coffee?

-PLUMBER: [SCREAMS] Yeah!
-No, Mona! Mona!

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life
A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

Welcome to the Saturday
science tutorial.

Today we bone up... [CHUCKLES]
...on bugs.

Ah! Hey, give me some skin.
Oh, never mind. [CHUCKLES]

All right. Hey, listen, now.

Entomology used to be dull,
boys.

But that was before Micelli's
insect trading cards.

Huh, not bad, huh?
Go ahead, pass them back.

Right, you can collect them,
you can save them,

you can swap them
with your friends,

but don't let mom throw them out

because the '91 bark beetle
may fetch a bundle.

Do they come with gum?

Oh, they come
with something better

they come with information.

Everything you wanna know
about that insect

is right on the back
of the card.

Hey, trade you a praying mantis.

"He mates once in his lifetime,

and then his wife bites
his head off and eats it."

Cool.

That's right, that's right.

The praying mantis,
the insect cannibal, huh?

-A perfect example--
-[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Uh-oh, I hope that's not big
mama mantis now.

Ooh. [LAUGHS]

Uh, Mona, what are you
doing here?

Well, then,
it's the darndest thing.

There is a-- a little problem
in the basement.

It's, uh, sort of damp.

Damp? How damp?

Do the words "surf's up"
mean anything to you?

Mona, can-- can't that plumber
do something?

Well, yes, if--
if he were still there.

-He left?
-Yeah, for no apparent reason.

-Fat bald crook.
-Ugh!

Mona, I told you, I told you
to think before you speak.

But no, you had open
your mouth, right?

You had to louse things up.

Hey, it's not like I'm the only
one who louses things up.

-What about your barber?
-[TONY SCOFFS]

[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]

All right. Look,
I'm gonna have to--

I'm going to shut off
that water main.

You stay here and watch
the class, okay?

-No problem.
-TONY: Okay.

Hey, listen, guys,
I'm gonna have to run out

for a couple of seconds.
I tell you what,

read chapter seven,

"Legs, Legs, Legs,
Life Among the Centipedes."

All right, okay. Now, uh-- uh,
stay in your seat, be quiet,

-and behave yourself.
-ALL: Yes, Mr. Micelli.

Um, actually,
I was talking to her.

[DOOR SHUTS]

It's not the first heart
I've broken. [CHUCKLES]

[KIDS LAUGH]

So, you guys
are studying bugs, huh?

We just learned
that the praying mantis

mates once in his lifetime,

then the female
rips his head off.

Oh! Talk about your
two-time loser. [CHUCKLES]

He should've sent flowers.

Do flowers really work on girls?

Always works for me. [CHUCKLES]

But, you guys
are going to learn about

boys and girls and life
in another class.

Not at this school.
They don't teach that here.

Really?

Nah.
But it's not like I need it.

I already know all that junk.

Yeah, right.

He's the one who says
a girl can't get pregnant

in any month with an "R" in it.

Can she?

Boy, I got here just in time.

Well, that's just
about everything. [CHUCKLES]

-At least for starters.
-Oh, now, I get it.

You had it all wrong, you dweeb.

Okay, hi, guys.

Sorry for the interruption.

Hey, hey, Todd, you okay?
You're looking a little flush.

Just happy, sir.

Well, bye-bye, boys.
It's been fun.

-All right, thanks. Bye, bye.
-STUDENTS: Bye.

-See you later!
-We love you!

Huh, well, okay,
where were we?

Oh, yeah, the praying mantis.
Okay, now--

Yeah-- yeah, Todd?

Miss Robinson took us past that.

She-- she did?

How...

how far past?

And-- and again, I--
I apologize for my mother. I--

Well, okay, bye-bye.

Mona.

-[SCREAMS] Mona!
-Oh, excuse me, I get her first.

Do you know that she flooded
my basement? Mother!

Oh, no, no, no my problem
takes priority.

-Mona!
-I don't think so.

I just got off the phone
with the plumber.

It's going to cost twice
its original estimate.

Top that.

She gave my class
a lecture on...

s-e-x.

You go first.

-What is with all this yelling?
-Uh, Mona.

Our little Miss Babbling Brooks,
huh?

Do you have something
you'd like to tell me

about the class today?

Oh, yes, there is something
I forgot to tell you, Tony.

They're a wonderful bunch
of boys.

Uh, yes. And what--
what did those wonderful boys
learn today?

Could it be entomology? No.
Could it be sociology? No.

Could it be the birds
and the bees?

-No, we talked about sex.
-[GROANS]

You weren't supposed
to talk about anything,
and least of all...

-Sex?
-[GROANS]

Yes. My classroom
is not a place to discuss...

-[STUTTERS]
-Sex?

Boy, that word just trips off
your tongue, doesn't it?

Well, what did I say
that was so awful?

I don't know. I didn't ask.
I didn't have to ask.

You-- you drew it
all over the blackboard.

[GASPS] Pictures?
Mother, you drew pictures?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Save my place.

I really am surprised
you did this.

Although, you know,
it really is just like you,

but even for being
just like you,

I am surprised that you can be
just like you so often.

Dear, when you decide
what you want to say,
drop me a note.

What-- what is-- What's wrong?

I'm 39 years old.

I've just been called
to the principal's office.

Uh, do you think,
this could have something

-to do with my little talk?
-[SCREAMS] Yes,

it has something to do
with your little talk.

Well, I'm sorry this happened.
I just didn't think that--

That's your problem, Mona.
That's your problem.

You never think.
You never think.

Whatever's in your head,

goes right to your mouth
with no stops in between.

But hey, you don't understand,
if you could've just heard

-what those kids said.
-I don't care what they said.

I don't wanna hear it.

I mean, I--
I never should've left you alone

in my class.
What was I thinking?
I mean, Mona, kids, bugs.

It had to turn
to a lecture on sex.

I never meant to do
anything to hurt you.

Well, it's too late, Mona.
You know this--

this job could've turn
into something permanent.

But now, I'll be lucky
if they don't fire me.

And all because you don't think.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Tony is 39?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in, Mr. Micelli.

Yes, sir, Mr. Campbell.

-This is Mrs. Gallagher.
-TONY: How's it going?

-Mrs. Barker.
-Mrs. Barker.

And the reverend Markham.

Oh, no.

As you know, Mr. Micelli,
something happened

-here today,
-I know, I--

Something we thought
would never happen.

-Something that we--
-I know. Look, look, look,

before you say anything else,
Mr. Campbell.

I-- I just wanted to say,
I-- I take full responsibility

for everything that happened
in my classroom, uh,

-it was all my doing.
-That's what we thought.

That's why we called you
down here.

Thank you.

-Thank you?
-Yes, indeed.

There's a warm spot in heaven
for men like you.

-Heaven?
-Oh, Mr. Micelli,

it was the most amazing thing.

We were all having lunch,
Mr. G was drinking his milk

and I ask our Mickey
what he learned in school,

and he said sex.
Well, we all got a milk bath.

But-- but then, he explained
that his teacher encouraged him

to talk to his parents about it
openly and honestly.

Well, then-- then,
that's a good thing, right?

Well, of course, you goose.
[CHUCKLES]

I especially applaud your effort
to get the female perspective.

Wherever did you find
that great guest lecturer?

Well, you know, we--
we teachers have to know, uh,

all the experts
in our community and uh...

believe me, where, uh...

where this subject is concerned,

Mona Robinson has researched
her brains out.

Hold everything!
Now, I've got something to say,

-and I am going to say it.
-Mona, what are you doing here?

-Mona? Mona Robinson?
-That's right, bub.

And I am here to set
the record straight.

I cannot allow you
to slander this man.

To persecute him like this
is a travesty of justice.

They're not persecuting me,
they're honoring me.

Oh. Do you validate?

We've heard wonderful things
about you.

I wish I had had someone
like you to teach me
about the facts of life.

Never too late, huh, big guy?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Th-- that's a joke, Reverend.

I know.

Well, if you all feel
that the class

went so well today,

you should teach it
on a regular basis.

Oh, excuse me, excuse me, Mona!

Obviously,
there's a need for it.

Well, let’s just say,
I don't think it's good idea.

-I like it.
-Me, too.

We've thought of offering
it before,

but we could never find
anyone to teach it.

-Ah, I said--
-Tony could teach it.

-[GROANS] Mona.
-That's a wonderful idea.

You could teach it
to all of our students.

-All?
-Hmm.

It'll be a boon to your career.

And a real service

to the children
of our community.

-And the parents.
-What do you say?

-Oh, he'll do it. [CHUCKLES]
-Great! Oh, come on young man.

We've got a lot of planning
to do.

Uh, well, how--
how about home Ec?

Uh, auto shop?
I make a great crossing guard.

[♪♪♪]

Tony's home! Tony's home!

Run for your life!

We heard everything
worked out great.

I guess somebody owes
somebody a thank you.

-Thank you? Thank you?
-You're welcome.

[TONY SCOFFS]

I don't think he's thanking you.

[CHUCKLES] Well, he should.
I saved his career.

What career?

I wanted to teach
the great subjects.

The classics. History,
literature, philosophy.

Not everything you
always wanted to know--

About you know what.
But had the decency not to ask.

Uh, you're just a little upset
because you're so uptight.

-I am not uptight!
-Uh-huh?

Uh, Mother,
Tony wants to teach something

that he's good at, and sex
isn't his area of expertise.

Oh, sorry. [CHUCKLES]

Dad, I hate to say it,

but you are a little uptight
about this stuff.

I mean, remember my Ben doll?
You glued his pants on.

[LAUGHS]

I just didn't want you
to lose them.

You didn't glue on his hat.

All right. Look, look, look,
you got me into this.

-You're gonna get me out.
-Excuse me?

I got this whole thing
figured out.

You're gonna tell me exactly
what you told those kids.

Me? Oh, oh, no.
That could dangerous.

Because everything I say

goes straight from my head
to my mouth, jerk.

Oops. See? [CHUCKLES]

Mona, Mona, don't you think
you owe me this?

I have no idea,

because, as you said,
I don't think.

But--

Okay, fine, fine. I got my
books, I got my tapes.

Who needs you?
Hey, Angela, check this out.

Check this out.

The librarian says this is,
this here is four-star stuff.

-[GRUNTS]
-[TAPE CLANKS]

[TAPE BUZZING]

"Hygiene in Heidelberg.

A guide for the sailor
on leave?"

Tony, this is from the 1950s.

There are no expiration dates
on good values.

MAN OVER TV: Here's Phil and Bob
going on shore leave

after six months at sea.

Each has one thing on his mind,
and it's not screws.

[LAUGHS]

Tony.

[STUTTERS] Oh, come on.
Look, give it a chance here.

Hey, Phil and Bob
haven't even dropped anchor yet.

MAN OVER TV: Now, let's watch as
our two swabbies

enjoy flirting
with the Deutschland dollies.

-Deutschland dollies?
-That's just--

-Uh, Tony.
-Eh, it's quaint. It's clever.

It's stupid. It stinks.

The kids are gonna laugh me
right out of the room.

Tony, don't despair.
You've just gotta start

at the beginning
with a man and a woman.

Oh, just-- just like that,
huh, Angela?

Sure. You just explain
that a man has certain...

and a woman has
different sort of...

Go, you try it.

Let's go back to Phil and Bob,
will you?

Tony. You're a terrific teacher.
You could teach anything.

Hey, but--

Is dinner ready yet?
I'm starved.

You taught Jonathan
the facts of life.

-Oh, yeah--
-Oh, well he started to,

but Grandma had already told me,
so, I cut Tony's story off

where the field mouse
gets to the meadow.

But, hey, that--
that field mouse story

-is a classic, Angela.
-Oh, Tony.

Maybe you should approach
Mother again

and you see the kids
do respond to her.

Yeah, I guess.

You think
if I asked her real nice,

she might change her mind?

MONA: No way!

All right, so-- so, let me
get this straight, like

-a man has certain...
-[ANGELA LAUGHS]

-...and the woman has certain...
-ANGELA: Has certain...

-All set?
-Oh, you bet, sir.

You know, I worked all week
on my lecture, and I--

I really think, I know
how to reach these boys.

-[CHUCKLES]
-Hmm.

One moment.

Sir, those boys are girls.

I knew I picked the right man
for this job.

But-- but sir, this is
The Nelson Academy for Boys.

For boys.
Are those just empty words?

Well, Mona did such a good job
with the boys,

we figured you'd have
no problems with the girls

-from our sister school.
-Oh, good thinking, sir.

You miserable, no good...

Hello.

[DOOR SHUTS]

Hello, I'm, uh, Mr. Tonelli.

I mean, uh...

Tony Micelli.

And the, um,

the topic of today's lecture
is, uh...

[MUFFLED] ...sex education.

Uh, yeah. It is-- It is kind
of a-- a funny subject.

Hey, hey, you know,
speaking of funny... [CHUCKLES]

...did you guys happen to hear
the one about the ventriloquist?

[CHUCKLES] Well, see...

Why don't I just--
I'll just start the lecture.

Um...

"I can see that we're all men
here and--"

Uh, well, make that-- make that,
uh, "we're all women here."

[CHUCKLES] Well,

you know, you're women,
and I'm, uh...

Here. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, why don't I just forget
these notes? Um...

Human reproduction
is a lot like, uh, cooking.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Now, you might ask,
"How is it like cooking?"

Well, uh, picture yourself,
uh, in Heidelberg

about to go on a shore leave.

Forget Heidelberg.
Look, look, let's--

let's-- let's just talk openly
and frankly

about a mature adult subject.

There once was a mouse
named Scooter.

You know, I have another idea.
Why don't, uh,

why don't we all read
from our textbooks,

uh, silently and privately
and to ourselves and, uh--

-and, uh--
-[TRASH CAN CLATTERS]

And we'll, uh-- And if you
have any questions,

just write them down
and-- and pass them up front.

Mr. Tonelli?

It's, uh, it's Micelli.

Um, you have a question?
Write it down.

Actually, I just wanted to know
if you can open up the window?

Oh, yeah, I-- I can do that.

Yes, piece of cake.
I can do that. Watch this.

[STAMMERS] Here, hey,
it's open.

It's open a little wider.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

That-- that went well,
I think, you know?

Now, you know, I-- I really feel
like we've done

some marvelous work
here today and--

-and-- and just go ahead and--
-Wait!

My friend, Marcie says
you can't get pregnant

the first time, but Cheryl says
you can if it's at night

and I don't know who to believe.

Can I open another window?

[♪♪♪]

-Hi. You okay? How did it go?
-[DOOR SHUTS]

[SIGHS] It went great.

-Yeah?
-It couldn't have gone better.

I never doubted it. I knew
the boys would love you.

Oh, they weren't boys, Angela.
They were girls.

-Girls? Oh, you must have died.
-Are you kidding me?

Hey, grace under pressure.

[LAUGHS]
It was nothing to it.

There was uh,
a few anxious moments, you know?

[BLOWS RASPBERRIES]

Tony, she's reaching out to you.

I know.

Good news. Things went well
down at the school.

Even though it was a--
was a classroom full of girls.

[CAN OPENER WHIRRS]

But I-- I made myself, uh,
made myself teach anyway.

Guess that, uh, guess that means
I'm making progress, huh?

[CAN CLANKS]

Oh, look, hey, I-- I know
what you're looking for here.

You're wait-- you're waiting
for an apology and

to tell you the truth, uh,
I-- I guess you deserve one.

So, uh, so, look,
here-- here goes.

[CLATTERS]

I'm sorry.

Not good enough, huh?
I know, I know,
look after everything I said,

you can't wipe it away
with two words, you know.

So, here it is.
I'm really sorry.

[BLENDER WHIRRS]

All right, you want me
to work for this.

You want me to work for this.
I was crass.

I was insensitive to say
you're a bigmouth.

You-- you did hear
the first part, didn't you?

Now look, let me finish, Mona.
I have-- I have more to say.

-I-- I really feel that--
-[ENGINE REVVING]

Good God, woman!

Hey, wait-- wait, Mona!
Mona, now wait a minute.

Hear me out. Hear me out!

[ENGINE STOPS]

This better be good.

Look, Mona, I-- [SIGHS]

-I'm sorry I hurt you.
-[ENGINE REVS]

All right, all right, look,
I'm sorry I misjudged you.

Okay, okay. Look, look,
because of you,
I'm a better teacher.

When I was in
that classroom today

with all those girls and...

all their questions
and their misconceptions, I...

I understood why
you did what you did.

You're not irresponsible,
Mona and...

you do think.

-Thank you, Tony.
-You're welcome, Mona.

-Now dance!
-Ah, Mona. Oh, come on!

Hey, hey!
That's a weed whacker!

Run! Yahoo!

TONY: Who's the Boss
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, still grading
your sex education papers?

Yeah, it's my last one.

[CLICKS TONGUE]
Oops, that one's false.

No, no, Angela. That one's true.

Oh, well, the next one's false.

No, Angela.
That one's true, too.

Angela, sit down, please.

There once was a field mouse
named Scooter.

[♪♪♪]