07x18 - Tony and Angela Get Divorced

[bunniefuu]

Oh! Wh-- what's taking
this guy so long?

Tony, the tax returns
are very complicated.

[SNORTS]
No, they're not, Angela.

I've done my taxes every year
by myself,

and every year, I get a refund.

Last year, 84.50.

Paid for my bowling shoe rental
for a whole year,
with Odor Eaters.

Tony, Marty has been doing
my taxes

for the last ten years
and I've always done very well,

-so just relax.
-I am relaxed.

-Good news, Tony.
-Oh, good. Good news.

Good news is good.

Looks like the government
will be sending you both

-a little refund.
-[SCOFFS]

"A little refund."

Look, I do my taxes
every year
by myself.

Last year, I got eight--

Seven hundred dollars?

I'm ge-- I'm getting back


Think of all the bowling shoes
I could rent for that.

-Oh, great!
-Martin Peterson?

-Yes?
-Or-- or as I like to call him,

-Mr. Refund. [CHUCKLES]
-Special Agent Parker,

Criminal Investigation Unit
of the IRS.

You're under arrest
for tax fraud.

Um, that would be
two French dips

with a coleslaw.
You want French fries

with that, Mr. Peterson?

You have the right
to remain silent.

If you give up the right
to remain silent,

anything you say can

-and will be used against you.
-Marty, what's going on here?

Don't say a word.
They don't have anything on us.

h*-- hold it.
Whoa, wait a minute,

what us? What us?

There is no us.
I don't even know this guy.

You-- you know what?

I'm so happy
I broke your ball toy.

Make sure you get everything,

all the documents, all the files
and all the tax returns.

All right.

Hey!

What do you think
you're trying to pull?

Oh, no, nothing. I was just, uh,
I was just going to make sure

that I dotted all the I's
in Micelli,

you know, Micelli, it's, uh--

That's an Italian name.
[CHUCKLES] Micelli.

You-- you wouldn't happen
to be Italian, would you?

-O'Malley.
-Oh!

[IN IRISH ACCENT] Irish. Irish.
Now, would you--

now, would you be
moving your big foot

so I could be... [CHUCKLES]

Oh, the Irish,
they're great people, the Irish.

Right, Megan?

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ Open road and a road
That's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life
A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
around the bend ♪

[♪♪♪]

Mom, this audit is the best.

You should've seen
the other kids' faces

when I told them
you were going to jail.

What?

Don't worry. It'll probably be
one of those white-collar jails.

You know, Jacuzzi,
tennis courts,

nature walks.

Jonathan, take a hike.

Careful. I may be
your only legitimate deduction

-you have.
-Get out of here.

Great, great,
now we're going to jail.

We're not going to jail.
This is a routine investigation.

They're after my accountant,
not us.

Angela, you're kidding yourself.
That's not how this works.

Let me tell you something,
when these people start digging,

they dig
until they find something.

That's how they nailed
my poor cousin, Vinnie.

And all he had
was a lousy shoeshine

standing in neighborhood.

-How much did he owe?
-Three million dollars.

[CHUCKLES] Snack time!

Look, I'm helping do your taxes.

Well, that's very nice, honey,

but why don't you give
the calculator back to the lady.

Yeah, or at least use
the subtraction key.

[CHUCKLES]

Go ahead. Go ahead, Billy.
Go up to your room. Go ahead.

But I want to see
her squeeze blood

-from a stone.
-[TONY CHUCKLING]

Go upstairs. [CHUCKLES]

-But you said--
-Do something, please!

[CHUCKLES]

-Kids. [CHUCKLES]
-[CHUCKLES] Yes, well.

So-- so... [CLEARS THROAT]
...how's it going, Ms. Foster?

Well, I'm almost finished.
I must say, I'm very impressed

-with your extensive files.
-Thank you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

And, uh, your cigar box
was quite organized as well.

No computer viruses
in that baby. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Uh, just, uh,
a couple more quick questions.

-ANGELA: Fire away.
-So, uh, you have been

Angela's housekeeper
for how long?

Seven happy years.

Seven, uh-huh. And, uh,
he works for you full time?

-Twenty-five hours a day.
-[CHUCKLES] Ooh, ooh.

And... where does he sleep?

-What?
-Huh?

I-- I just wondered
if Tony had his own bedroom.

Oh, yes,
Tony has his own bedroom.

Where did you think Tony slept?

-And what does that have to do
with our taxes?
-[TONY SCOFFS]

Oh, this is never easy for me
to say. You see-- Well--

How much you owe the government
really depends

on whether or not the two
of you are... [STAMMERS]

...intimate. [CHUCKLES]

They even put
a tax on that?

No wonder Mona's always broke.

No, no, no, no, you see,
one of the tax frauds

that your accountant
specialized in

was having his married clients
file as singles.

Oh, so-- so you think

-she and I are married?
-Well, it's...

And posing as single?
That's ridiculous!

-[BOTH LAUGH]
-[LAUGHS] Oh, wait a minute.
What--

what-- what made you think
we were married?

Well, it's just
that I'm finding dozens

of receipts for gifts

of a rather personal
and intimate nature

you bought for each other.

Really? Oh, well,
that can all be

-very easily explained.
-Uh-huh, uh-huh? Like this one

from Mr. Micelli,
from Pretty in Pink Lingerie,

for one black teddy?

I-- I had to replace the one
I ripped.

Oh, no, no, no. Wait a minute,
wait a minute--

It got stuck in-- in--
in the washing machine

on the tumble,
it was in the spin--

-the spin-- the spinning--
-Um,

airline tickets to Italy
for two?

Oh, well, we-- we-- we had
to go there on family business.

-Oh, hi-- his family, not mine.
-Yeah.

We have two separate families.
[CHUCKLES]

So you traveled 8,000 miles

to help your housekeeper
with his family business?

-Well, we are close.
-[BOTH CHUCKLE]

-So I see.
-Not that close.

Woo! What a day.

Nothing wears you out
like a day of shopping.

Mother, Mother, come--

-come here. Mother, please.
-Come here.

Would you do us a favor?
Would you please tell this lady

that Tony and I are not married.

-Yeah.
-Well, let's examine the facts.

They've been together
a long time,

they squabble like a couple,
and they never have sex.

Sounds married to me.

Uh, Sam, Sam, come here
a second, will you? [CHUCKLES]

Sam, this is Ms. Foster

from the Internal
Revenue Service.

[CHUCKLES]
Oh, it's nice to meet you.

[CHUCKLES] Now, she thinks
that we owe some more money

because there's some confusion

about whether
or not we're married.

You know, tell her that.
[CHUCKLES]

-Oh. They're married.
-No, Sam!

-They're not married.
-No, Sam-- Sam--

What? What do you
want me to say?

-They're whatever's cheaper.
-[WHIMPERS]

K-- kids, kids.

Look, let-- let's just be
logical here for a minute.

-If we were married...
-Which we're not.

...why wouldn't we lie about it?
Why wouldn't we just say so?

Yeah, because everybody knows
it's cheaper to file as married.

Oh, not in your case.

There's a lot of reasons to file
as single.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Like
a higher standard deduction,

like lowering
your income levels,

and receiving more deductions
on individual accounts.

Like the contribution
that Angela deducts

that she makes
to your social security,

which is nothing compared
to the deduction she takes

for your child care expenses.

Okay, so, I was wrong.

Nonetheless, Ms. Foster,
this here is America.

America, where you're innocent
till proven guilty.

And... [STAMMERS] ...now,
I think

you should take
your witch hunt elsewhere

unless you can come up
with some real proof

that shows we're married.

Like this receipt
from the Moonlight Motel

where you checked
in South Carolina

as Mr. and Mrs. Micelli?

That's not bad.

-But, uh, but easily explained.
-That's right.

-It was the...
-It was, uh...

-...it was the baseball.
Convention. Yeah!
-Oh, the convention.

Convention, that's right.
And the motel lost

our reservation, and we had
to take the last room

that was left.
And Tony slept on the floor.

Absolutely nothing happened.

Well, that maybe true,

but when you check into a motel
as Mr. and Mrs.

in a common law state
like South Carolina,

you can be
considered legally married.

You mean, I didn't have to sleep
on the floor?

Tony! Tony! She is saying
that we might really be married!

Oh, that-- Why? Because we--

we checked in someplace
as Mr. and Mrs.? That's nuts!

Well, we have a saying
at the office,

"If it looks like a duck
and quacks like a duck,

it's probably a duck."

Well, we got a saying
back in Brooklyn,

and it goes something like this,
"Oh, yeah?"

Tony, Tony.

-Tony, please, please!
-Oh, you know, you know,

you know, don't you bureaucrats
have anything better to do

with your time
than to harass poor,

innocent citizens
with these... stupid--

Tony, stop, stop,
before you say something

-you're going to regret.
-I'll have you know, Ms. Foster,

-so that I pay your salary.
-[ANGELA SIGHS]

Like that, Tony.
Something like that.

Let me make
this perfectly clear,

when one state
considers you married,

then all 50 states
consider you married,

hence the federal government
considers you married.

Therefore, in the eyes
of the IRS and me,

your humble employee...

you are husband and wife!

-So... we're married.
-Yeah.

And for our honeymoon,
we're going to... [WHIMPERS]
...prison.

Ben, thank you for helping out,
you're a good neighbor.

Yeah, yeah,
and a-- and a good lawyer,

judging by your license plate,
"Good lawyer." [CHUCKLES]

Okay, here we go.

Okay, "According to common law
in the State of South Carolina,

any intention
to live publicly together

provides evidence
of a mutual agreement

of marriage."

-No, this can't be happening!
-[LIP SMACKS] All right, look,

you have two options.
One is to produce evidence

that you're not really married.

Oh, wait-- wait a minute,
hold it.

Now, how do you prove
you're not something?

I mean, they don't--
they don't give out

"Not-married" certificates.

They-- they don't say,

"With this ring,
I don't thee wed."

And the organist doesn't play,
"Here don't come the bride."

Well, I think your other option
is to fight it in court.

Yo-- you know,
people challenge these old laws

all the time and win.

Oh, that's great.
How do we do that?

Well, you give me
a 25,000-dollar retainer,

I'll make a couple
of phone calls for you.

How-- how about I give you


and you call after six,
when the rates are lower.

All right, listen,
whatever you two decide,

-I'll-- I'll be happy to help.
-Oh, thanks.

Thanks. Thanks.

Guys, would you cheer up please?

Come on, it could be worse.

If you transported sheep
across the state line,
you could be lynched.

Yeah, well, at least
I wouldn't be married to 'em.

[CHUCKLES]

Thank you.

-Thank you, a lot.
-Oh, no, Angela.

I didn't mean that... [STAMMERS]
...you were worse than sheep.

You're better than sheep.
You're better than sheep.

Of course,
you do not give us wool,

but, uh, but you--

you provide warmth
in other ways.

-Angela, you--
-Nice try, Tony.

-We've got to do something.
-Well, like what?

Well, you're the husband.
Make a decision.

Okay, wifey.
Here's what we're going to do.

We're gonna fight the IRS
in court because we're right.

You know and I know
and everybody else

that knows us knows
we're not married!

That's right.

-[ANGELA SIGHING]
-[TONY MUTTERING]

-Happy anniversary!
-Happy anniversary!

Anniversary?

Yeah, we figured it out,
it's been about a year

-since your trip
to South Carolina.
-Your one-year anniversary.

Happy anniversary.

Come on. Sit down.

Because we have quite
an evening planned

-for both of you.
-[ANGELA SIGHS]

Ooh, look what a cute couple.

And they said
it would never last.

Actually, they said

-it would never happen.
-TONY: Mona.

On behalf of the children,
a little something for Mom
and Pop.

Good Pop, good Pop.

What is it? What is this?

What-- what the...

See, now-- now,
you'll never have to be apart.

It's very cute, guys. Very cute.

And that's not all.

Here's a little something
for my daughter

and my son-in-law

for their second honeymoon.

[TONY AND ANGELA CHUCKLE]

Mona, what is this?

You got it upside down.

-Oh! Mona!
-Oh!

-What is it?
-It's a hat.

Can I wear it?

-No.
-No.

-Put on the sweatshirt.
-Oh, I don't think so.

Oh, come on, everybody went
to such trouble

and it-- it is our anniversary.

All right. They remembered.
You forgot. Typical.

Nag, nag, nag.

I'm a little twisted here.
Where's your other arm?

Ooh! There it is.

Excuse me, honey.

That's perfectly all right.
I quite enjoyed it, dear.

-[TONY CHUCKLES]
-Come on, let's get the cake.

Yeah!

Okay, now, here's the plan.

I'm going to take the kids
to a movie.

Double feature.

Let nature take its course.

Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink.
[CHUCKLES]

-Mother.
-MONA: Oh,

come on.
You're legally married now.

Even the federal government
wants you to do it.

Look, if you don't want to do it
for yourself,

do it for your country.

Mona, please. I assure you
that's the furthest thing
from our minds right now.

That is right.

Is it getting hot in here?

Yeah, it's a little--
little warm.

-[DOORBELL RINGING]
-I got it.

[TONY GRUNTS]

I mean...

we'll get it. Come on.

All right. Right, left,
right, left. Ready?

No-- That's your left.

-Oh.
-Right, left, right...

-[LAUGHING] Oh, boy.
-[ANGELA LAUGHING]

-You are wild.
-[ANGELA LAUGHING, GASPS]

Th- th--
this isn't what it looks like.

Quack, quack.

♪ Happy anniversary to you ♪

Stop! Stop! Stop!
Cut it! Cut it!

You know, for unmarried people,

you sure do a lot
of married things.

Except the important one.

Well, I, uh, I don't want
to interrupt the festivities.

I just wanted to drop off
your revised tax bill

with the penalties to date.

-This is the amount you now owe.
-[BOTH GASP]

-Oh, my gosh!
-Oh! Let me tell you something,

Ms. Foster,
we are not paying this.

We're gonna fight this
to the end.

-Period.
-Fine, fine,

but I must warn you
that during your protest,

substantial interest penalties
will continue to mount.

Happy anniversary.

-What? You...
-[ANGELA YELPS]

Get off me.
Will you spread out, please?

All right, look, look.
Don't worry about this, Angela,

because we're gonna win this.
We're in this together, right?

-Wrong. Wrong. I quit.
-What?

I'm not gonna spend years
in court with IRS.

I'm going to pay this
and get it over with.

But it won't be over with,
Angela,

because in the--
in the government's eyes,

-we'll still be married.
-Okay, then we'll get a divorce.

I can't get a divorce.

I'm Catholic.

Well, we have got
to do something.

Well, what about Uncle Carmine,
Dad? He was Catholic,

and he got out of a marriage.

Yes, and they never did find
that body.

Tony!

Dad, I'm talking
about his first marriage.

Oh--

Right, Sam! You're brilliant.

That will solve
all our problems.

So, what are we gonna do?

We're gonna go upstairs
and pack.

I'm taking you on a little trip.

-Come on.
-ANGELA: [WHISPERS] Okay.

Probably the last thing
Uncle Carmine said to his wife.

[♪♪♪]

MAN: And now by the power vested
in me

by the State of South Carolina,

I now pronounce you husband
and wife.

Now, go on, son. Kiss her.

That-- that was
a beautiful ceremony,

-Your Honor.
-Really, you made me cry.

-Aw. Here-- here's my hanky.
-Oh, thanks.

Oh, she... [CHUCKLES]

...she's so sentimental,
Your Honor.

I'm sorry. It's just
that I'm really touched

when I see
two people bonded together,

pledging their love
into eternity.

Well, now.
What can I do for you?

Terminate our marriage.

-What?
-Oh, yeah. We're--

we're here for, uh,
an annulment, Your Honor.

Uh, we need you to sign
this document.

-An annulment?
-Yeah.

Well, then that--
that will prove

that our marriage never existed,

-am I right?
-Yeah, yes.

Great. We'll take one of those.
[CHUCKLES]

Hey, if you want
an annulment,

I need to know
what your grounds are.

Uh, grounds? Uh, sure, okay.

Huh. What do you got?
[CHUCKLES]

You see golden arches
when you drove in here, son?

This ain't
a fast food restaurant.

We're very sorry, Your Honor.
We meant no disrespect.

We-- we're in a hurry
and we didn't have time

to research the process
and we would appreciate any help

-you could extend us.
-Yes, sir.

Well, one ground for annulment
is mental incapacity.

Insanity.

Oh. Great, great.
Hey, we'll take that.

I'm crazy. [CHUCKLES]
I'm insane, I'm nuts. [CHUCKLES]

I'm Abraham Lincoln.

-[CHUCKLES]
-Son, you must be crazy

to call yourself that down here.

Well, then,
it's-- it's settled,
Your Honor?

No, you need
a medical certificate,

stating that you have
diminished capacity.

Oh, okay. I'm a doctor.
[CHUCKLES]

I'll write one. Come on.

Give it up.

Your Honor,
are there some other grounds?

Well, marriage unconsummated.

-Oh! [CHUCKLES]
-Oh! [CHUCKLES]

Bingo! We have a winner!
[CHUCKLES]

Right. We'll take that.
Marriage unconsummated.

-Right. That's our grounds.
-Hey! [CHUCKLES]

Okay.

"Unable to perform...

husbandly duties."

-Right.
-Hold it!

No, no, no. Wait a minute,
wait a minute. That--

that can't go down
on my permanent record.

I mean, you know, first of all,
nobody would believe it.

-You know, I'm Italian.
-[CHUCKLES]

Second of all,
whoa, I'm Italian!

Your honor, th-- this is getting
very complicated.

The simple truth
is that we got caught

in a technicality
and we never meant
to be married.

So, you're saying
there was lack of intent?

Yes. Total.

Well,
those are sufficient grounds.

-Ha. For-- for real, Your Honor?
-For real.

-[CHEERS] Great. It's settled.
-Thank you, thank you.

-I knew this would work out.
-[CHUCKLES]

But I won't give it to you.

"Four score
and seven years ago--"

I'm sorry. You see, it's just
so rare that I see a couple

that obviously cares
for one another so much,

and belongs together.
Now in my heart,

I just cannot grant
this annulment.

Case dismissed.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Your Honor,

I-- I got something to say.

Tony, please. Don't tell him
you pay his salary.

All right, look,
when I get married,

I wanted it to be on my terms,
when I'm--

-when I'm good and ready.
-Yes. And I want romance,

and flowers,
and a beautiful little wedding

-and maybe outside by a pond.
-Oh, hey,

-you want a small wedding?
-Well, yeah.

I had a big one the first time.
You know how that turned out.

Mm. Well, you know,
me and Marie, we eloped.

-[CHUCKLES]
-Oh, so, you'd want a big one?

Well, you invite my family,

-you got a big wedding.
-Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

-[CHUCKLES]
-I know. Well, you know,

you gotta hassle,
you have the RSVP,

you have the invitations,
you have the caterers--

Oh, well in Brooklyn,
we got caterers--

Whoa. Excuse me.

-[CHUCKLES]
-Sorry.

We got a little carried away.

Look, Your Honor, when I--
when I marry An--

Uh... an appropriate person,

I, uh, I don't want it to be

because I signed in someplace
as Mr. and Mrs., I--

I want it to be
because I love her

and I-- and I cherish her

and I want to spend the rest
of my life with her.

You make an impassioned case.

Well, it-- it means a lot to me,
Your Honor.

To both of us.

[LIP SMACKS] Well...

By the power vested in me
by the State of South Carolina,

I, hereby, declare
this marriage annulled.

Oh, thank you, Your Honor.
Thank you.

-Angela, we're unmarried.
-Yeah.

[TONY CHUCKLES, MOANING]

Boy, you are Italian!

-[TONY GRUNTING]
-[ANGELA LAUGHING]

-[SIGHS] We did it.
-Tony--

We did it.
We have proof, Angela.

Yes, Tony, you were fantastic.

-You really pulled it off.
-Oh. What a--

-what a relief, huh?
-Yeah, no kidding.

[ANGELA SIGHS]

Hey, what-- what--
what's the matter?

Nothing.

I don't know. It's just...

for a second
I felt a little sad.

You mean like, uh...

like-- like as if you...
maybe lost something?

-Yeah.
-[CHUCKLES] That's funny.

Me too.

Well, that's crazy.

Because we never wanted it
in the first place.

Yeah. I mean, we-- we wanted
to be single

-and now we are. [CHUCKLES]
-Right.

So, we should be happy.

Absolutely, huh? [CHUCKLES]

Hey...

now that you're single, uh...

You free for dinner?

Hmm. Maybe,
but I should warn you,

I don't kiss on the first date.

We'll see.

TONY: Who's the Boss
will be back in a moment,
Stick around.

I cannot believe
that Tony would go
to anyone you recommended

after that fiasco
with the accountant.

Mother,
that was one isolated incident.

He forgave me
and he trusts me again.

And besides, Antoine's been
doing my hair for years.

MONA: Hmm.

I don't want to talk about it!

[♪♪♪]