07x12 - Who's Minding the Kid?

[bunniefuu]

Mona! Mona!

Oh, no, no.

She's not in
her apartment.

She knew she was supposed
to have Billy back here

by four o'clock
to meet the social worker.

All right, all right, look.
We've got to find her.

Call somebody.
Who?

I don't know, a man.
That's who she's usually with.

[DOOR BELL RINGS]
I'll see.

Oh, no. It's the social worker.
Oh! We're dead, we're dead!

Tony, relax.
How can I relax, Angela?

We're not exactly your
typical American family.

I mean, we're up against
enough odds as it is and now,

losing the kid doesn't help.
[DOOR BELL RINGS]

And now we've kept him waiting.
Oh, we're dead.

we're dead, we're dead. Hello.

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail
And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life ♪

♪ Around the bend ♪

I'm Leonard Marshall,
department of social services.

Hi, uh, I'm Tony Micelli,
Billy's legal guardian.

Hello, I'm Angela Bower.
I'm Billy's female role model.

Won't you come in?
I'll take your coat.

Oh, you have a very nice place.

Oh, well, would you like
the tour?

Uh, let's start in the garage
I'll show you

all my power tools,
which, by the way,

are out of the reach
of the child.

A tour's not necessary
on the first home visit.

All I need to
see is Billy.

Uh, Billy is...
The light of our lives.

What a great kid!

Can I show you what he made
yesterday in school?

It's right here, right here.
Show him, show him, show him.

You see?
It's an ashtray.

Oh, not that anyone
in this house smokes,

except for an occasional ham.

Isn't it cute?

You see, you can put
your cigarette out

in Billy's hand.

No!

No, no,
that wouldn't be good.

No, it wouldn't.

So, where did you
say Billy was?

We didn't.

Actually, it's quite
an amusing story.

I have no sense of humor.

Hey, you bought that tie,
didn't you?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

See, it all started out
as a typical morning

with a typical,
normal family breakfast.

Hey, that's mine!
Here.

Ew, you keep it.

Billy, Billy, stop licking
other people's food, will ya?

Now, come on.
Finish that

and let's get going.
you've got to get to school.

I don't have school today.
[TONY LAUGHS]

Yeah, yeah, you know Billy,
that's what you say every day.

Listen, pal, in this house,
everybody has responsibilities

and everybody has to
live up to them.

I'm not going
into the office today.

I've developed an allergy
to work. [SNEEZES]

Angela's not down yet.

Oh. So, how did it sound?
Needs work.

Good morning.
Morning, Angela.

Hey Billy, how you doing?
I'm not going to school today.

What's wrong?
Honey, are you sick?

Yeah, of school.

But it's true.
There's no school.

Oh, look Billy,
if there were no school,

I would have circled it
in red and marked it--

"No school today.
Teacher's conference."

The system works.

LEONARD: Hold it!

You forgot Billy had
the day off from school?

No, no. I just forgot
that I wrote it down.

I remember
all the important things.

You don't think
school important?

Of course I think
school is important.

That's why I wanted him to go
even though there wasn't any.

Nice save.
TONY: Thank you.

Not really. Go on.

Who's going to watch Billy?
You have school

and Mona and I
have meetings all day.

I'll stay home and watch him.
[SCOFFS] You have school too.

Sometimes, you have to sacrifice
for your family.

You're all heart, Jonathan.
Take it on the arches.

Buh-bye honey.
Bye, Mom.

Well, what are we going to do?
I don't know.

Don't worry about it.
I'll figure out something.

Come on,
you guys better get going too.

All right, all right.
Well, good luck.

Come on, mother.
Let's go to work.

[SNEEZES]

Oh, give it up!

Now, when pressure mounts,

the tectonic plates exert
such incredible force

on each other
that when they shift--

Hi!

Billy, Billy, I thought
I told you to be quiet.

You also told me
to be polite.

Yes, I did.
Hello, everybody.

Have a seat there,
have a seat there.

I'm sorry I'm late,
Professor Wallace.

I didn't have anyone
to watch Billy.

I was, sort of, stuck between
a rock and a tectonic plate.

No problem.

Anyway, when the plates
do shift,

an earthquake results.
Okay, look

Let's put your hat over here.
Okay, give me those mittens.

Give me those mittens.
Now, put them in your pocket.

Come on, sit up, sit up.
There you go, buddy. Okay.

Put them in here.
Oh, those pockets are small.

Give me your coat.
Give me your coat.

Wait a minute,
give me the coat first.

Give me the coat first.
Let me have the coat.

Okay. Now here, I'll show you
a little trick.

I'll show you,
my mother taught me this.

See, when you don't wanna lose
your scarf--

Mr. Micelli?

Yes, Ms. Wallace?
Shh!

Thank you, young man.

You're welcome, Ms. Wallace.

Stop sucking up
to the teacher.

Now, to see how many of you
have kept up with your reading,

we're having a pop quiz.
[ALL GROAN]

Well, look, at least
it's true or false, huh?

I'll tell you what.
Look, while I'm doing this,

You color, okay?
Here's your crayons.

Okay.
Do some coloring.

Okay, here we go.

True.

Hey, you're right!
Good guess there, kiddo.

True.

Hey, true.
You're right again, huh?

Hey, you know, maybe playing
in all that dirt is paying off.

He, what do you think
about number four? True?

False.

Hey, you're right again.
That's terrific.

How'd you know that?
That's what he wrote.

Billy!
Mr. Micelli.

Oh, boy.

You have been disruptive
from the moment you walked in.

This is a classroom,
not a daycare center.

Just one minute, Ms. Wallace.

I took Billy with me
because I enjoy being with him.

I take-- Nay, I welcome
every opportunity to spend

some quality time
with him because,

I believe the children
are our future.

Teach them well,
and let them lead the way.

Show them all the beauty
they possess in life.

♪ Give them a sense of pride ♪
♪ Give them a sense of pride ♪

♪ To make it easier ♪
♪ To make it easier ♪

♪ Let the children's
laughter ♪
♪ Let the children's laughter ♪

♪ Remind us how we used to be ♪
♪ Remind us how we used to be ♪

♪ I decided-- ♪

LEONARD: Hold it!

They sang?
Well, no-- no. I-- No, no.

And that wasn't what
you really said, was it?

Well, not in so many words.
What exactly did you say?

Oh, I'm sorry, Ms. Wallace.

I didn't mean to disturb
the class.

It will never happen again.
Please, I promise, I swear.

Well, maybe it'd be best
if you and your little friend

go into the hall
and take the test there?

That's a good idea,
good idea, Ms. Wallace.

An excellent compromise.

I'll just-- I'll just gather up
Billy's stuff here.

I'll get it. I'll get it all.

And then, we'll sneak out
into the hall quiet as a mouse.

Let's go, Billy.

Six and seven are true!
Billy!

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

That's the dumbest guy
in the class, come on.

Here you are,
Professor Wallace.

Dad.
Hey, Sam!

You left your book in my room
last night.

Hi, Sam.

Hey, Billy.
What are you doing here?

Well, preschool was closed,
so he went straight to college.

I mean, you guys
are the youngest

and the oldest at Ridgemont.

Here's your book, Dad.
Thank you, Sam.

When is nap time?
Oh!

Nap time for me
is during calculus next period.

Oh, listen, Dad.
I'm done for the day.

You want me to take him?
Oh, Sam, that would be great.

I really appreciate it.
But you gotta have him

at his gym class
after lunch and,

he's gotta be home
by four o' clock.

Okay, no problem.
Thanks, sweetheart. Buh-bye.

Take it easy, pal.

Hey, what do you say
we go for a hot fudge sundae?

Oh, wait-- wait a minute, Sam,
Sam, please.

No-- no empty calories.

You're right, Dad.
We'll have fruit.

Good.
A cherry on top of the sundae!

So Billy is with Sam?

Well--
Well, not exactly.

Well, Of course not.
That would be too easy.

There's a very simple
explanation.

You see,
Sam doesn't eat tuna.

She's got you on the edge
of your seat, huh, Lenny?

Uh, Ben, I'm gonna need
those art boards.

Abbie, will you get me
those demographic reports

for Mr. Dodds, please?

And uh, don't forget,
I'm going to need a messenger

in about an hour, okay?
Okay.

Hi! Hi.
What are you doing here?

I brought him. See,
one of the reporters

for school paper got sick,
so they sent me to cover

the tuna boycott demonstration
downtown.

And I can't take Billy,
and I know it's a lot to ask

but is there any way
that maybe you could--

I could watch him?

Well, I'm in the middle
of a meeting with Mr. Dodds,

but if it will save a dolphin,
sure, I'd be glad to watch him.

Thanks, Angela.
You're the best.

You know, at
times like this,

I can actually forgive
your generation

for selfishly destroying
the planet.

Thanks.

Bye, Billy. Who do you love?
Who do you think?

Love you, too. Bye.
Bye, honey.

Well...
What do we do now?

Uh, well, I suppose
you could stay out here

and read some magazines, or...

maybe we can think of something
for you to do in my office.

Uh-huh.
Come on, come on.

Oh, boy!

Well, come on in,
little fella.

Hey, how would you like
to bounce on a fat man's belly?

LEONARD: Hold it!

Your office looks like
Santa's workshop?

Well, yes, you see,
I'm in advertising

so I get lots of
free samples of toys.

Really.

No, not really.
I'm lying.

You're telling me. "Bounce on
a fat man's belly." Oh!

Excuse me. Like your
classroom salute to Capra

was a stroke of genius.

At least it had
a hit song in it.

But, we digress.

Here's what happened.
Honest.

Are you going to
have a baby?

Uh, Billy, uh, Billy.
Come here, honey.

Uh, let's find something
for you to play with.

Oh, here you go.
Here's a paper clip

and a piece of string.
That'll be fun for you.

Now, you go to Mona's desk
and play, okay?

I'm terribly sorry about that.
That's okay.

This kind of lighting
always makes me look heavy.

Yes. Well, anyway,
about the midwestern markets,

if we--
[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Excuse me.

Yes? Hello?

Billy!
Angela is very busy,

So please leave
the phone alone, okay?

Thank you.
Now, what I was thinking

about the midwestern market--
[INTERCOM BUZZES RHYTHMICALLY]

Excuse me.

Billy, this phone is not a toy.

You were saying, Ms. Bower?
Yes.

I feel if we concentrate on...
[INTERCOM BUZZES]

...the midwest--
[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Excuse me, please.

Billy, this is a business.
We do not play games here.

We don't do...
[IMITATES INTERCOM]
...in this office.

LEONARD: Hold it!

Wait-- wait a minute, Lenny.
Lenny, don't write that down.

don't write that down.
She wasn't screaming at Billy.

Yes, yes, I was.
Well, he told me to be honest.

Anyway, I went out there,
I told him why I was upset,

and we shared a lovely moment.
Do you hear that, Leonard?

They shared a lovely moment.
Put that in, put that in.

It's l-o-v- l-o-v. Here look,
I'll write it for you.

I'll write it down for--
Mr. Micelli!

Please.

What happened to
the child next?

Well, my mother came back
from shopping

and she took Billy
to have lunch,

and that's where he is.
Oh, so he's with your mother?

You mother, let's see.

You got anything in here
on her?

No.
The warmest, kindest...

sweetest woman.
You know, when I think

of the word granny,

I have had it with men!

Oh, I'll probably have it
with them again.

I am saying for now,
I have had it.

So what are you
staring at, Bunky?

Mona, where's the kid?
What kid?

No, no.

[PENS SNAPS]
Oops!

Mother, where is Billy?
TONY: Yes.

How should I know?
I haven't seen him for hours.

This is not good, people.

Who's the geek in
the funny tie?

[SIGHS]

Mona, this is the
social worker.

Where's Billy?

He's with Jonathan.
Your son Jonathan?

Yes, and a finer,
more responsible young man

you shall not find.
If we could find him.

I'll make some calls.

Mona, Mona, why don't you
tell Leonard--

Mr. Marshall--
All the wonderful things

you did with Billy
this afternoon.

I took him to a bar.
[SIGHS]

A bar?
Mitzvah. A Bar Mitzvah.

Yes, a Bar Mitzvah because,
you know, we want to expose him

to all cultures.

Well, it wasn't just a bar.
See, it wasn't a bar.

It was attached to a motel.
[SOBS] I'll k*ll you.

See, I was breaking up
with Charlie.

So, I thought, well,
if I had Billy with me,

Charlie wouldn't make
such a scene.

Breaking up with me?

You're breaking up with me?
You can't! You can't do this!

Oh, Charlie, please.
Please control yourself.

You're upsetting
the child.

Pass the relish, please.

There's someone else,
isn't there?

Yes, yes there is.

Tell me who it is.
I'll k*ll him.

I'll punch his lights out.

It's Billy.

Okay, kid. Let's step outside.
Oh!

Please.

Look, since Billy came
into my life,

I don't have time
for a relationship.

He needs me.
He depends on me.

Ketchup, please.

See?

Anyway, Charlie, I know you.
You do not like children.

You're right. I hate
the little curtain climbers.

No offense, pal.

Of course you hate them.
and that's why

it would not work out.

Shall we go, Billy?
But for you, I'd change.

Huh?

I could learn to love him.
He's adorable.

Are you nuts?
He's a brat.

This kid would drown
the Little Mermaid.

I think that we're going to
be the bestest of buddies.

How'd you like a pony?

I like this guy.

Aw, look what you did,
you miserable moppet!

Now the true Charlie comes out.
Oh, but Mona--

Now look, nobody talks
to my daughter's

housekeeper's old
neighbor's child like that!

Take a hike,
take a hike.

Okay, okay.

Here. You get the woman,
you get the check.

I'm sorry, Mona.

Are you kidding?
You were great.

And for that, I'm gonna
buy you a big, fat piece

of chocolate cake.

Thanks, Mona!
Don't touch me, kid.

So, after I took him out
for cotton candy,

then, I dropped him off
at the gym class.

Of course,
he was a little sticky,

but it did help his handstands.

Mona, would you please
get to the point.

How'd he end up
with Jonathan?

Oh, okay. Well, see,
I had a date

with Charlie's brother.
[TONY SOBS]

I asked Jonathan
to pick him up at the gym class.

I've called everywhere.
I don't know where Jonathan is.

You've lost another one?
Oh, no. Absolutely not.

We'll find him. You know,
I'll bet you he left a note

for us on his desk.
Let me go check.

I'll be right back.
Excuse me, Jonathan.

Jonathan?

Why didn't you answer before
when I was calling?

You were calling for Mona.
Is Billy here?

Yeah, he's upstairs.

He's upstairs?
Billy's upstairs?

Billy's been upstairs
the whole time?

And why shouldn't he be?

Safe. Safe within the cradle
of his home.

Okay, Leonard,
you heard the legend.

Now get ready to meet the man.

Hey, Mona, do me a favor.

Stay here
and keep Leonard company.

Oh, wait. All right.

So, Leonard,

what do you do
in your spare time?

Oh, like everybody else,
I collect driftwood.

I like a man
who lives on the edge.

Sweetheart, sweetheart.
Thank goodness you're here.

Billy, are you okay?
I have a tummy ache.

I swear, I only
gave him one quarter

for the candy machine,
but this thing started

sh**ting out malted milk
ba*ls like a slot machine.

It was a miracle.

I tried to make him better
before you guys saw him.

I gave him that pink stuff.
And then, I gave him

the green stuff
that mom gives me

and then,
his tongue turned brown

I thought I k*lled him.
All right, all right.

Take it easy, take it easy.
It's not your fault.

Everybody's been
feeding him all day.

Hot dogs, cotton candy,
ice-cream, french fries.

[BILLY GROANS]
ANGELA: Oh, honey.

It's all right.
You just stay here and rest.

You'll be okay.
What's taking so long up here--

Oh, no.

You are not gonna let him go
down there and let that guy

see him looking like this.

Why not? We've already blown
the interview.

Wa-- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You don't think they'd
take him away from us

for something like this,
do you?

Of course not. I hope.

[BOTH CLAMORING]

Well, it isn't easy
being green, is it, Billy?

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Who's in the bathroom?

That's Greg, Billy's friend
from gym class.

Great, great.
When he gets out,

send him downstairs.
tell him to pretend he's Billy.

Grandma, I don't think
that's such a good idea.

Oh, standing up
to your little old Grammy.

How cute.
Send the kid downstairs.

It's pretty wacky he
was upstairs the whole time.

And could you bring him
downstairs so I can meet him?

Uh, actually, we can't do that.
You see, the thing is that--

Don't worry.
Billy is coming right down.

Mother, what do you--
Don't worry, Angela.

Everything's under control.

Hi, I'm Billy.

Oops. I'm out of here.

I don't see anything here
about the child being black.

P-- Please, Leonard.
African-American.

And anyway, I mean, what--
Who cares?

I mean, we're all the same
inside, aren't we, Leonard, huh?

Black, white-- I mean,
what difference does it make?

Because I'm lying
through my teeth here.

That's not Billy.

See, my mother was trying
to help.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

That's my mom.
Can I go now, Mr. Micelli?

Sure. Sure, Greg.
Go ahead. Go right ahead.

Can I-- Can I go with you?

What's going on here?
[DOOR CLOSES]

Billy is upstairs.
He ate too much junk food

and he has a little tummy ache.
Yes.

So, we thought
between losing him

and poisoning him, you know,
you might take that

as a negative.
Uh-huh.

Oh, hey, come on,
Mr. Marshall, look.

I mean, sure, we're not
the typical American family.

We're imperfect. Yes.

We lose a kid here are there,
but, in our hearts--

Nay, in our very souls--
I know, I know, I know.

Let the children's laughter,
blah, blah, blah.

The bottom line is,
we really love the kid.

I know you do.

You do?
Sure.

The fact that everybody
wanted to pitch in and cover

for one another tells me
this is a loving environment

for the child.
[SIGHS]

And you were worried.

The only normal families
you see nowadays

are on Nick at Nite.

I mean, with step-families,
and single-parent families,

and two-income families.

In a bizarre, twisted way,
you guys are the norm.

You hear that, Angela?
In a bizarre way, we're normal.

Hi.
Hey, there.

Mr. Marshall,
this is our Billy.

Glad to finally meet you,
Billy. How you feeling?

So-so.

So, how do you like
living here with
Tony and Angela?

[RETCHES]

Are those new shoes?

TONY: Who's the Boss?
Will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

Okay, come on, pal.
Let's go, come one.

Got to go to bed.
School tomorrow.

There's no school tomorrow.

[CHUCKLES]
Billy, Billy, please,

do yourself and me a favor,
all right? Don't push your luck.

Look at the calendar.

[MOCKS]
"Look at the calendar."

I'll look at the calendar.

Nice try. But, Billy,
school is not spelled with a k.

Thanks a lot, Mona.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]