07x07 - Parental Guidance Suggested

[bunniefuu]

BILLY: Vroom! Vroom!

Billy.

-Billy, are you asleep?
-[BILLY IMITATES SNORING]

Billy, Billy, Billy.
Wake up and go to sleep.

I can't. There's a monster
behind the wall.

Look, his eye's hanging out.

No, no, that--
that's not a monster. [CHUCKLES]

Look, it-- it's just the wires.

I-- I didn't finish hanging
your lamp, see?

Look, tomorrow-- tomorrow
I'll get you a night light.

I saw a really great one.

-You like Gumby?
-Who?

Uh, forget Gumby.
I'll get you Star Wars.

-What's that?
-Boy, I'm old.

[CHUCKLES] Um, all right, look,
forget that.

You got to go to bed.

What-- what-- what is this?

What are you doing?
What are you, Toys 'R' Us?

All right. Come on, get in bed.
You got a big day tomorrow.

It's your first day
of school, huh?

-Okay.
-But, I tell you what.

I'm gonna make you
a special lunch

and I got you a surprise.
An E.T. lunchbox.

Who?

Elizabeth Taylor. Go to sleep.

[♪♪♪]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road
And a road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times
I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail
And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is up to you
My friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life
A brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

So, what do you say?
After we see Phantom,

we, uh, go back to my place

and sip a little champagne
in front of the fire.

Okay.

I would love to,
but we've gotta take

Billy to school early tomorrow.
Can we do it some other time?

Yeah. How about all next week?
I bought a Duralog.

Burns for eight hours.

Yeah, that's what they all say.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, the master.

The master has not lost
his touch.

Billy's asleep?

Hey, when the captain speaks,
the crew listens. [CHUCKLES]

Should have tied him
to the mast, skipper.

Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa.
Come back here, please.

Why aren't you asleep?

I wanted to say good night
to Angela.

Aw.

Oh, I could just eat him up.

Um, that's good,
'cause if he don't go to sleep,

I'm gonna deep-fry him.

-Tony.
-Angela, this kid is tough.

I tried every trick I used

to use on Sam.
None of 'em worked.

I've got a few tricks of my own.

If anyone could put
a man to sleep in bed,

it's Angela.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

-Angela, we got to go. It's--
-I'm just going to tuck him in.

Boy!
Raising somebody else's child's

a major responsibility, huh?

[CHUCKLES] You said a mouthful,
man, let me tell you.

But, hey. You know, he just
needs a lot of attention,

and thankfully Angela's here,
and there's Jonathan,

and-- and Mona loves Billy.

Is that his name?

No wonder he never answers
to Ed.

TONY: Get out.

Well, that's one five-year-old
who's off to dreamland.

-Shall we?
-The Phantom awaits.

Wow, really. That's terrific.
Hey, good job.

Hey, listen, enjoy the show.

Hey, Andy, make sure
you sit under the chandelier.

[LAUGHS]

-Bye-bye.
-Bye.

[TONY LAUGHS]

See, I told you
it was wonderful.

We're gonna have so much fun.

There's clay and there's game
and there's video tapes.

Hey, hey, hey.

Check out that red-head, huh?
Oh.

Hey, hey, not so fast.

You don't wanna look anxious.
[LAUGHS]

Hello, I'm Ms. Adams.

Oh, Angela. English.
Very classy. [LAUGHS]

Well, thank you so much.

Oh, you make everything sound
so nice.

-Say schedule.
-[SCOFFS]

[LAUGHS] You're from Brooklyn,
aren't you?

You got it. [LAUGHS SOFTLY]

-Say k-nish.
-[ANGELA AND MS. ADAMS LAUGH]

Hello. I am Angela Bower
and this is Tony Micelli.

Hello. And this must be Billy.
Hi, Billy.

Oh. Yeah, he hasn't had
his morning coffee yet.

It's his first day of school.

I think he's a little nervous.
I know I am.

Oh, yeah. I remember
my first day at school. [LAUGHS]

I cried all morning
then I threw up

all over the teacher. [LAUGHS]

-I'm sure Billy will be fine.
-Or hopefully have better aim.

-[ALL LAUGH]
-Yes.

Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.
You know, I know--

I-- I know you hear this
from a lot of the parents,

but he really is a special kid.

-Really?
-Oh, yeah, yeah.

-Well, hello.
-Oh, hi.

-Is he new?
-Oh, yes.

-We just got him.
-[MURMURS]

Oh, no!

I mean, yeah. Yes, he-- he is
new to the school. Yes, he is.

Oh! Well, he's going
to love it here.

I know my Joey does.

-[ALL CHUCKLE]
-Joey, this is Billy.

Why don't you two go off
and play?

Oh, Tony, there he goes,
on the road to growing up.

Yeah. Hey, Billy. Don't put
paste up your nose.

-It's a long road. [CHUCKLES]
-Uh...

I know you've probably heard
this before, but Billy's--

Special.

-You see it, too?
-[BOTH LAUGH]

Excuse me. Billy, sweetheart.

-Tony and I have to leave now.
-Yeah. Yes.

But do-- don't worry.
After school,

Sam will pick you up,
take you to tumbling class.

And then we can practice
t-ball.

And we'll go over
your flash cards.

And then-- then we can sit
in the dark

and look at your lighted globe.

We can paint East
and West Germany the same color.

ANGELA: Oh!

So, honey, don't worry
'cause we're not really

-saying goodbye.
-Yeah, it's-- it's more like...

see you later, buddy.
So, what do you say, Billy?

Bye.

-Hi, Dad.
-Hi, Sam.

Hey, Billy, my boy. My baby.
Hey, hey.

What do you say, pal?
Whoa! Whoa!

So, how was your first day
of school, huh?

Did you paint some pictures,
play with some toys?

Hit on the redhead? [LAUGHS]

Oh, I get it, discreet.
Very nineties. [GIGGLES]

Dad, is it okay if I call Matt?

Samantha, have you seen
our phone bills lately?

I mean, couldn't you get
a boyfriend a little closer

than New Mexico?

Oh, sure, Dad. Actually, the guy
up the street just asked me out.

You know, he's the biker
with the snake tattooed

on his face.

Give Matt my love.

Hey, hey. Look what I got
for you. Come here, come here.

It's a throw and field,
see this, huh?

And it comes
with a special glove.

Check this out. Whoa!

[CHEERS] Whoa! Whoa!

If I would've had this glove
when I was still in the Majors,

I still couldn't hit
the curveball. [LAUGHS]

-TONY: Look at that. Whoa!
-Oh! Hi, sweetheart.

Come here. Look what I've got
for you.

Uh, what, what, what?

-ANGELA: Uh-huh.
-Oh, a computer?

Yes. He can add, he can spell,

-he can do his taxes.
-Oh.

He's gonna have to file
an extension because he's got

tee-ball practice, huh.
Look at that.

Oh. Oh, all right.

Well, tomorrow after school,
I get him.

I'm not going to school. I quit.

-What? You quit?
-Why?

-Because.
-Because why?

Because.

-Would you stop saying because?
-Stop saying why.

Okay, okay.

Could you please just tell us
what happened at school?

They said mean things.

-Who did?
-The kids.

-But why would the kids say--
-But why--

Oh. I get it.

Oh, boy, do I get it.

-Get what?
-[CHUCKLES]

Don't you see, Angela?
It's clear as day. [CHUCKLES]

Rich suburban kids,
the new kid from Brooklyn.

It's called snobbery, Angela.
That's right.

[SCOFFS] That's the same thing
that happened to Sam

when she first came here.

[SCOFFS] All because she was
a little too low rent.

Say k-nish indeed.

K-nish, huh?

Mr. Micelli. How are we today?

We are not good, Ms. Adams,
not good at all.

Oh, dear. Not another
upchuck episode. [CHUCKLES]

No, no. Much worse. Snobbery.

-Snobbery?
-[SCOFFS]

Don't try to make it sound good.

All I know is Billy says
the other kids were mean to him.

Billy, can you tell me
who was mean to you?

What, what? Joey?

Huh. Of course.

He fits the bully profile
to a T.

He's bigger, stronger.
And he probably bites

the heads off
his Flintstones vitamins.

Joey, is it true you told Billy
you don't like him?

-Yes.
-[TONY SCOFFS]

-Why did you say that?
-He hit me in the head.

-What?
-With a brick.

With a--

With a brick? Well, it's--

-it's a toy brick, you know.
-MS. ADAMS: Hmm.

We've gone from snobbery
to battery.

I'll let you two talk.

Billy, come over here.
Joey, please come here.

Billy, it's not right
to hit people.

Now, look.
I want you to shake hands

and say you're sorry.

I'm sorry.

-Feel better? Okay, let's go.
-Uh-huh.

What--

Why-- why-- You hit him
with a brick, too?

-No.
-Good.

A truck.

Why did you hit him
with the truck?

What, are you crazy?
You want to get in trouble

with the teamsters?

You didn't happen to hit
the little redhead, did you?

Is there anybody here
you didn't hit?

How'd he get so lucky?

-He wasn't here yesterday.
-[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

You better lay low in Jersey
till this blows over, pal.

Come on.

[GRUNTS] Nothing like a little
racquetball to relieve

the tensions of the day, huh?
[LAUGHS]

What do you do to unwind, Mona?

I don't play racquetball.

But I do use some
of the same equipment.

-Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-It's all right. It's all right.

-Sorry, I'm late.
-It's okay. It's okay.

Sorry, I'm a--
Oh, nice knee pads.

Nice knees.

-[LAUGHS] Oh, thanks.
-[DOOR OPENS]

-Hi, everybody.
-Hey, Tony.

-Hey, slugger.
-What kinda crack is that?

-What is the matter?
-It seems that, uh...

our problem at that school
isn't snobbery.

It's just that, uh--

Oh, I'm sorry. Uh-- [STAMMERS]
I'll go warm-up out front.

-TONY: Okay.
-One, two, three, four...

Okay, well...

Uh, hey, Mona.
Could you do me a favor

and take Billy
into the other room?

No problem.
Billy, go in the other room?

Kids. They really take it
out of you.

So, go on.

It seems that, uh,

Billy was hitting all the other
kids at school.

Oh, no. Billy? Our Billy?

Or as he's known at the school,
The Fists of Fury.

Oh, my dear. Oh, my--
Well, you know,

I'm not surprised at all.

He's struggling
in a new environment

and he's probably just
acting out. Don't you think?

Oh, absolutely.

Then again, he might
end up in a tower,

squinting through cross hairs.

-Mother, go to your room.
-Okay.

I'll practice for the news.

He was a quiet boy, a loner.

-He always kept to himself--
-Would you please go?

What are we going to do?

Ms. Adams seems to think
that we-- [SCOFFS]

We should take
a parenting course.

You believe that? [SCOFFS]

Oh, no.

-Oh, well--
-[STUTTERS]

Listen, we've raised
two of our own kids,

and neither of them
has pulled a g*n on us, yet.

Well, Tony,
I guess you're right.

I mean, maybe he just needs
a little extra love and support.

-He's vulnerable right now.
-Exactly, Angela.

What we have to do is show him

that we are behind him
no matter what.

JONATHAN: Ow! Why you little--

What the-- what--

He hit me.

-Oh, buddy.
-Oh, honey.

-Oh.
-Oh.

We-- we know you're vulnerable
right now.

Gee, whatever happened
to victims' rights?

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Are you okay?

-Show me where it hurts.
-Mom, please.

I'd rather get hit again
with the bat.

Now, Billy.

I told you
that hitting was wrong.

Now, you're gonna have to
do some hard time

up in your room, young man.
Let's go. Come on. Move along.

-Was that okay? Hmm.
-I think so.

That parenting class starts
at five.

-I'll be ready at four.
-Yeah.

Welcome to Positive Parenting.
I'm Herb Matthews.

This is my wife Willa.

Thank you, Herb.

Now, children fall
into two categories.

-Boys and girls.
-[BOTH LAUGH]

Save the jokes, Doc.
We got a bigger problem here.

What about kids who hit
other kids

and the parents that raise them?

[ALL CLAMOR]

Is that a topic the rest of you
would like to, uh, explore?

[ALL CLAMOR]

Uh, how-- how about bed wetting?
[CHUCKLES]

-Who cares about your problem?
-Hey, oh!

-[ALL CLAMOR]
-Boys, please.

Intimidating, hitting,
taking things from others

can all be manifestations
of confusion, in a child

who's unsure of his place
within the family unit.

Hmm. Darn. I wanted
to write that down.

Okay. I'm keeping every one
of these.

The solution to most
childhood problems,

including aggression,

is positive parenting
in the home.

Positive parenting, Angela.

That's it. That's the answer.
Come on. Let's go.

Tony, I would like to hear
a little bit more about this...

-[SIGHS]
-...like what it is.

In our society,
we are constantly

being told no, don't, can't.

So, we must try to communicate
with our children

without using negatives.

-Willa.
-[INHALES] For example,

how would you express
"no parking" positively?

Hey, yo. Don't park here.

You said don't. That's negative.

-You can't park here.
-You said can't.

That's negative.

Willa.

How about park elsewhere?
[LAUGHS]

Park elsewhere.

Gee, I like that.

Then write it down.

Yuppie yo-yo.

I'm going to use your pen.

Oh, hey, hey. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

-Remember, no nos, no don'ts...
-Hmm.

...no can'ts, no negatives.

-Right.
-Okay. Okay.

-ANGELA: Oh, don't!
-Okay, don't do that!

-TONY: Don't do that.
-No, listen! Don't!

Broom elsewhere.

-Billy, don't do that.
-Okay.

[SIGHS]

Mother, don't say don't to him.
It encourages aggression.

-Oh, that's stupid.
-Ow.

So, uh, Billy, what--
what did you do today?

Did you color?
Did you play Legos?

Did you sh**t some hoops?

Play throw and field,
learn to weld?

I got Mona a sandwich.

You-- you got Mona a sandwich
and that's it?

And some Gatorade.

Then I turned on the TV for her.

[CHUCKLES] You know,
with this kid around,

you don't need the remote.

Mother, I gave you a list
of specific things

to do with him today.
Where is that list?

I don't know. Where do things go
when you flush?

All right, come on--
come on, Billy.

Time for you to go to bed.
Come on.

-[SIGHS DEEPLY]
-Get going.

Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute.
Whoa. Whoa.

-Where are you going?
-To Mona's.

Why sweetheart?

Because I wanna live with her.
Bye.

Tony...

did he just say that he was
leaving us for my mother?

-Yeah.
-Well, what are we doing wrong?

I have no idea.

You think Herb and Willa
have a hot line?

-[KNOCK ON DOOR]
-ANGELA: Now what?

-Hi, guys.
-ANGELA: Oh, no.

-Hi, Andy. Rushing a frat?
-Huh? No.

Angela and I are going
to the Harvard-Yale game.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I forgot.

-You see, we have this--
-Problem with Billy.

Yes. You see, he wants
to move in with my mother.

Well, good. Maybe he'll mess up
her dates for a change.

Whoa, man. Oh!

-[CLEARS THROAT] Excuse us.
-Oh, sure, sure.

Don't worry about me. [CHUCKLES]
Go, go.

Go right ahead. [CHUCKLES]
Go Yale.

-You're angry, aren't you?
-Well, yeah.

This is the third time in a week
you've canceled on me...

-[STAMMERS]
-...after I showed up.

Well, Billy's going through

a very difficult period
of adjustment right now.

You know, it's a new family,
and a new school,

and a new-- You don't care
about this, do you?

Look, no offense but I thought
he was Tony's responsibility.

He is. He is.
I'm just trying to help.

I'm trying to be supportive.
I mean he's...

our responsibility.

I see.

Well, all that means
is that I can't pick up

and go to a football game
with you right now.

Well then, when?

I don't know.

Right. Well...

when, uh, things settle down,
why don't you call me?

Okay.

I will.

[GRUNTS]

-Everything okay?
-It's fine. It's fine. Yeah.

Uh...

we're, uh, we're going
to get together again

when things calm down here
a bit.

Oh, well, that's-- that's good.

I mean, that's, uh, that's good.

Okay, okay.

We got a problem here.

-But I want to live with you.
-Take a number.

Listen, Ed.
This is where you live.

-But you're fun.
-Well, life is not always fun.

And a good way for you
to learn that is by living

with Tony and Angela.

Wait a minute. What are you
talking about? We're fun.

Really? I mean, who taught you
how to use your flash cards

and how to play
with your computer?

Yeah, I mean,
soccer and tee-ball

and how to separate
fine washables?

MONA: Hmm.

Aren't they
party animals, huh?

Don't worry.

Soon they will learn
they do not have to try so hard.

And plan every minute
of your life,

so that it makes you so crazy

you always end up
wanting to hit everybody.

Come on.

Give 'em another chance, Ed.

-Okay.
-Good guy.

Now, give me back
my lucky pillow.

Not that I need it.

-She's right.
-I know. I hate that.

What was the middle word
on the pillow?

[EXHALES] Billy,
why don't you go upstairs

-and put on your pajamas?
-Okay.

Mona gives me a dollar.

Go upstairs.

-But you know what?
-[GROANS SOFTLY]

Maybe Mother doesn't have
all the answers.

Yeah, I mean, you know, kids.
Why-- why do kids hit?

Anger, frustration?

Uh, maybe his shorts
are riding up.

That always puts me
in a foul mood.

[LAUGHS] The thing she's right
about is that we're too uptight.

-We've got to learn to relax.
-Exactly, Angela.

I mean, if we just raise him
like we did Samantha

and Jonathan, then--
then he'll be fine,

and he won't be so confused
about his place

in the family unit. I think
Willa would agree with that.

So, is there anyone
who's gonna to tuck me in?

What would Mona do?

I think she'd tell him
to tuck himself in.

-Let's go tuck him in.
-[CHUCKLES]

Hey, you-- you got change
for a five?

-Oh, yeah.
-TONY: Yeah, okay.

TONY: Who's the Boss
will be back in a moment.

Stick around.

-[DOOR OPENS]
-Hi, Dad.

-Oh, hi, sweetheart.
-[DOOR SHUTS]

I've got something here
that I think will help

Billy get to sleep.

Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?
Hit him over the head with it?

[CHUCKLES] No, Dad. I got him
an environment tape.

You know, it was really tough
for me when I first moved here

so, I figured some comforting
sounds would really help him.

Oh, come on. What do you mean,
like-- like a babbling brook

or like a running stream?

Those things never work.
Come on.

Just give it a shot, okay?

[SIREN BLARING OVER TAPE]

-MAN OVER TAPE: Hey, shut up!
-[INDISTINCT CLAMORING]

WOMAN OVER TAPE: Don't touch me!

MAN OVER TAPE: All right!
Get in the car!

[WOMAN SCREAMING OVER TAPE]

-[BUTTON CLICKS]
-Sounds of Brooklyn.

-Get it, Dad?
-[SNORES]

[♪♪♪]