05x10 - Scrooge

[bunniefuu]

Uh, martin, did you pick up that gift I asked you to get for tommy?

Oh, oh, baby, right here.

Oh, good.

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.

Ok, right there.

What is this?

You were supposed to get tommy linen handkerchiefs.

This is a box of kleenex.

Gina, snot don't know the difference, baby.

Ooh.

Ooh, martin,

I guess you dogged cole on his gift, too, didn't you?

Oh, no, no. I got cole something fab, gina.

Check it out.

Sla-ding!

Uh-uh.

Go ahead, check it out.

Mr. Payne, is this not the red shirt

That cole gave you last year for christmas?

Uh, yeah, it sure is, gina,

But you know what? He liked it so much, I'm giving it back.

You are so wrong. Boy, what else you got in that bag?

The new jordans.

Oh. Well, those are nice. Baby, who are these for?

For me.

Yeah. I got 'em with the money I saved on tommy and cole.

Martin, why do you get yourself a new pair of sneakers every christmas?

Baby, christmas is supposed to be about giving.

I am giving, gina.

To myself!

Mr. Me-me-give me mine. See you. Mm-hmm.

Give me mine, give me mine.

[Knock on door]

[Knock knock]

Jackie chan.

Merry christmas, man.

I'm looking for sheneneh.

Sheneneh?

Yes.

Well, man, sheneneh live across the hall.

Oh, thank you. Sorry.

Uh, no problem. All right.

[Knock knock]

Sheneneh: who is it?

Jackie.

Oh, hi, jackie chan.

Yo, what he doing seeing sheneneh?

Sheneneh: well, anyway, come on in.

Sheneneh must got the ill na-na.

Whwh

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

Ooh, hi.

Hey, baby, want one of these?

Most definitely, most definitely.

You get that one.

Oh, yeah.

Mmm, mmm.

You like 'em?

Mm, mmm, b*mb.

Ooh, really? Are they better than your mommy's?

Gina, come on. Not as good as mama.

Come on, don't even talk like that.

Whatever. I just hope the people down at nipsey's like them.

Nipsey's?

Yeah, you know, nipsey's letting us use his place

To cook dinner for the needy tonight. You know that.

Well, how you gonna feed the needy

With nipsey around?

Martin, just go get dressed, please.

Hurry up.

No, no need for that. I'm not going.

Why?

Well, I figure I bought all the gifts and the food,

I done did my part.

Oh, martin.

Done did my part.

Martin, baby,

I'm really disappointed.

I thought we were gonna spend christmas eve together.

What do you want to do?

You gonna sit here by yourself on christmas eve?

You know, that's exactly right.

I am, you know what I mean?

And I am gonna watch this game,

Because half-time is almost over,

And I'm gonna enjoy doing it.

Hey, hey, hey, happy what is it?

Christmas eve, y'all.

You all ready to go down to nipsey's?

Well, I'm ready, but martin the evil man,

He ain't going. He don't feel like it.

Ah, well, I'm not surprised.

I figured santa would need a little help

From his little elves tonight.

Shouldn't you be saddling up next to rudolph?

They tell me it's gonna be a blizzard tonight.

And you're really gonna need to strap in.

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, pam, will you stop it?

You are disgusting.

Please leave him alone.

Hey, let her out!

Will you stop? Ok, listen up, martin.

You better come with us, man,

'Cause you not gonna be able to get none of nipsey's famous egg nog, dawg!

Nah, I don't want to be drinking no egg nog, tommy,

Then I'll be wobbling around like frosty the bald man, dawg.

Hey, uh, martin, look, man,

You better come help us, man,

'Cause santa knows who's being naughty

And who's being nice.

Who's being naughty and who's being nice.

That's right.

You want a little help, huh?

A little help.

Here's some help for you.

Get out. Step!

Step!

Pam: why do you always gotta be a scrooge around christmas time?

That's just how it is. I understand.

Good-bye, martin.

So ornery this time of year.

Now I can, uh, get my chill on,

Get me some rest tonight,

'Cause everybody need a little sleep.

Hey, martin, wake up.

I say, wake up!

Yeah, boy!

Yeah, g.

Hey, man, why y'all still here?

I thought y'all had left.

Huh? And why y'all dressed like dumb d.m.c.?

Look here, man. We're not who you think we are.

See, i--i--i'm not tommy.

I'm the spirit from the christmas past.

Ahem.

Oh, and this here, that's my stupid assistant cole.

Woooooooo.

Why y'all buggin', man? Why y'all buggin'?

We want you to come with us.

Cole, if you don't stop rattling that chain, man...

Hey, martin, this is what we're gonna do, man.

See, we gonna go back, back into time.

Way back.

Way back.

You ready for this trip, bro? Are you ready?

We about to go.

Hey, mama, I'm gonna go over here and open up my gift.

Mama: you better not get that gift dirty,

Or I'll take you here, and I'll take you there.

No, mama, I promise I won't, mama.

Yo, that's me back in the day.

Wu-wu-wu!

Wu-wu-wu!

A genuine pair of chuck taylors.

I remember that day.

That was--that was the only present I got.

Hey, martin, what you got there?

I got me a brand-new pair of chuck taylors.

Let me see 'em.

All right, but don't breathe on them. See.

Man, these ain't chuck taylors.

Man, they some fake old chuck tylers.

Ha, talking about chuck taylors.

Can you believe that?

That was the day you lost your christmas spirit.

Oh, man, gina gonna have to tighten up on her cooking skills.

Them cookies got my-- got my stomach churning,

My mind playing tricks on me.

Oh, man.

[Coughing]

Something tells me you ain't gina. Right?

That's right. I am the spirit of christmas present,

And you're coming with me.

Aw, damn.

I say...

Nipsey's christmas party.

Why'd you bring me here?

Just watch.

Uh-uh-uh. Uh-uh, chubby. What are you doing?

That food is for the needy.

Hell, I'm needy. I need to eat.

No, you need to go on a diet. That's what you need.

That's--really.

Oh, that's cold, gina.

All this crackin' makes me miss martin.

You hear that?

They miss old marty-mar.

Yeah, my baby's not really into christmas.

Or anything else that has to do with spending money.

I mean, if martin had his way,

He would put a pay toilet in his apartment.

Tommy, that's funny.

Is it like that?

Hey, no, don't talk about my man.

My man is very generous.

That's right.

You tell 'em, boo.

Nipsey, last time we was here, didn't martin give you a tip?

Oh, yeah, martin gives me tips all the time.

He told me it wouldn't k*ll me to miss a meal,

Said don't eat after :,

All that kind of stuff.

Man, go on with yourself.

Hey, gina, just admit it. Ebenezer scrooge is a cheapskate.

The only reason he married you was for the free rice.

C-come on, boo, get my back.

Back to the subject at hand, please.

Now, I don't appreciate y'all exaggerating about martin.

Exaggerating?

Yes, exaggerating.

The man xeroxes christmas cards, hands them out,

And returns the original for a refund.

Shame.

Disgusting.

No, no, no, no, no.

My baby is not cheap, ok?

He takes me places and gives me things all the time.

We go to dinner, he gives me flowers, he takes me to the movies.

Question!

Gosh.

What kind of ticket does he buy you?

Huh?

I say what kind of ticket does he buy you?

That's what I say.

Speak up, gina!

A child's ticket.

A child's ticket.

A child's ticket.

All right, my baby's cheap!

I ain't cheap.

I ain't cheap!

I ain't cheap!

I ain't cheap!

Yeah, I ain't cheap!

I ain't cheap! I ain't cheap!

Back up off me! I ain't--

You know I ain't cheap!

Go, man, I ain't cheap.

I ain't cheap. You know I ain't cheap.

You know darn well I ain't--

Oh, that's it.

That's it.

Ain't gonna be no more spirits coming up in here.

Ahh, yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

Ain't gonna be no more of that, ok,

So k*ll that noise. Stop. It ain't gonna be that.

Ohh!

Pam, what are you doing here?

You look more scarier than usual.

I ain't pam, little drummer boy.

I'm the spirit of christmas future.

Well, damn.

They ain't got no cure for yuck mouth in the future.

Shut it up, tiny tim,

And take a look at your future.

Somebody get the phone!

Go, go!

Michael's grandson sure can play, can't he?

Michael jordan, you's a bad player there, boy.

Let's see.

Junk.

Junk.

Ooh, bingo, social security.

I saw that, you witch.

You--you stuck me for my paper. Give it.

You stuck me for my paper.

You better get off my purse.

Get off my purse, man.

Why else would I come over here

To check on your old behind?

What?

I said why else would I come over here

To check on your moth-smelling behind?

Somebody get the phone!

Never mind that. Where's gina?

Oh, man, you know gina left you years ago.

No diggity, no doubt!

Come on, it's lunch time.

What?

I said it's lunch time!

Come on, eat your mush.

Come on, come on.

Here.

What is--

What is--

What is this?

It's your mush, man.

This ain't no damn mush.

It's dog food.

You should know that, old yeller.

You know what? I ain't gonna force you to eat, all right?

I ain't gonna force you to eat.

I got to get home to my husband cole.

No diggity, no doubt!

Let me take you for your walk.

Somebody get the phone!

Come on, here, man. Let me take you for your walk.

Good, now get your leash

So we can go for a walk.

You know what?

Yeah.

Martin, you done cracked on me for the last time.

I'm tired of putting up with your mess.

No, not the steps, no stairs!

Nooooooooo!

No, not the stairs.

Not the stairs.

No, no.

That's it.

I gotta be more like the man in the mirror and make that change, man.

Got to make the change.

Hey, detroit, the world, america!

Merry christmas!

Happy kwanza!

Happy hanukkah!

Happy birthday, all that!

From the one and only marty-mar!

From marty-mar!

Yeah.

Merry christmas, everybody.

I say merry christmas.

I say merry christmas.

Marty-mar.

Nip, merry christmas, man.

Thanks, man.

Look, I got a tip for you.

I know. At dinner time, just say no.

No, man. I mean, you know that.

That, too, but, uh, check it out, check it out.

Merry christmas, nip.

Merry christmas.

Well, all right.

Ooh. Ha!

Martin, hi.

Merry christmas, baby.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were watching football.

Gina, why would I be watching football, baby? It's christmas.

Hey, hey, hey, martin, I see you made it down, dawg.

Hey, whazzup?

I wanted to say happy holidays to you and all that,

And, uh, I wanted to give y'all gifts early.

No, no, no, no, no.

We, uh, no.

We had decided-- remember, we had decided later--

That we were gonna give it to 'em later,

'Cause I explained it to y'all.

Gina, gina,

Baby, we're not gonna give them cheap gifts, baby.

Baby, don't be like that.

We're not gonna give them the cheap gifts.

Wait a minute, martin, wait a minute.

Where did you do your christmas shopping, the -cent store?

Crazy.

That was my christmas jokey joke.

You know that's funny, right?

It's hilarious.

It's hilarious.

Merry christmas to you, too.

Your girl, I tell you.

Cole, you.

Ok, ok, let me guess.

Um, and this right here would be a red shirt

Exactly like I gave you last year.

Cole, why don't you just open the gift, man?

Merry christmas. It's for you.

Oh, snap.

You like that?

This is phat.

No, no, don't touch it.

This is phat, though.

This is, uh, this be the nicest thing you ever gave me, man.

Cole, it's the only gift I ever gave you.

Just enjoy it, man.

True. Yo, nip, check this out, man.

Ok, uh, tom, dawg.

Oh, a card.

Yeah, but, tom, it's not xeroxed.

I know how you don't like 'em xeroxed.

Who told him that?

I didn't say anything.

Also, uh, just open it, man. Go ahead.

All right.

Oh, man, look at that.

Tommy, beautiful.

Some linen handkerchiefs with my initials on them.

Man, this--

This is beautiful, man. It's classy.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Really nice.

Yeah, yeah, and, uh...

This--you know, I know how much me and you beef,

You know what I mean? We go back and forth,

You know, arguing, like, you know.

Yes, we do. Yes, we do.

Respect.

Merry christmas.

What is it, a leash?

A cow bell?

Oh, no. Let me guess.

A flea collar?

Well, it's for you, ok?

Open it, pam.

Mm-hmm.

Martin: merry christmas.

Martin, this is beautiful.

Boy, is you sick? Are you ok?

Ain't nothing wrong with me.

Is your stomach churning?

I'm all right. I'm cool.

I mean, it's just my way--my way I express myself,

My love around the holidays.

Now go.

Thank you, martin.

This was so sweet of you.

Nip, give me a drink.

Baby, um, you know I got you something special,

But it's not here. It's at home.

You being here tonight is gift enough for me.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna get some egg nog.

Ok.

Oh, baby.

Yo, little man, what's happening?

Your feet must get cold, huh?

It's not too bad if I stuff some newspaper in there.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. They're just fine around, you know.

Yeah, I hear that.

Well, what size do you wear, man?

Um, about an .

.

Yeah, .

You play ball?

A little bit, if I can find one.

If you can find one.

I understand that. Respect, respect.

I hear that.

So you say you wear an , huh?

Yeah, I wear an .

Look here, man.

I don't know if these'll fit you,

But try them for size.

Oh, the new jordans!

No. I couldn't take these from you.

I know they cost a grip.

Oh, man, it don't matter how much they cost,

As long as it's from the heart.

These are from the heart.

All right?

All right.

Put 'em on your feet, keep your feet warm. Respect.

Merry christmas, man.

Thanks.

Martin, I love you so much.

I love you so much.

Thanks, mister.

Uh...

Uh, merry christmas, everybody.

Merry christmas.

And that's real, that's real.

Merry christmas.

Merry christmas.

What?

Man: come on, go get 'em.

Oh, all right, all right.

Something tells me you ain't gina. Right?

That's right.

I am the voice of--

Sorry. Next time not so much of a big entrance.

I say aw, damn!

I don't know

If I'm happy or sad going with her.

I'm not mad at all.