04x15 - Green Card

[bunniefuu]

O.k.

O.k.

All right?

It's all fixed.

Then what are all these parts doing on the floor?

Gina, we don't need them.

Baby, they always give you extra pieces.

I don't know about this, martin.

I'm calling the maintenance man on this one.

Luis takes too long.

I can't wait six months to use the toilet.

Fine. All right.

Check it out.

[Flushes]

See?

It's all good, baby.

[Slosh]

Whoo.

What is that?

Don't look at me.

Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

Captwhwhng made possible by warner bros.

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

Hello. Is luis there?

We need to get our toilet fixed.

Oh, you don't speak english?

Um, well, can you tell luis

That there's agua everywhere

And that we need our toilet fixed

El fasto?

[Knock on door]

Bye-bye.

Oh, that didn't work at all.

Coming.

Hey, girl.

You know what? I need a big favor.

What's up? What you need?

Can you buy some candy bars from me?

They're a dollar each,

And it's for a good cause.

Sure, pam.

You're doing charity work now, girl?

That's nice! How many you need me to buy?

,.

,?

You're kidding me, right?

No, gina. I'm serious.

If I don't get this money by next week,

They're going to take everything I got!

Everything!

Well, who do you owe, pam, the mob?

Worse, gina. The irs.

I got a letter this week

Saying that I owe them grand!

I don't know where to get it!

Ooh, pam!

Hey, gina.

Gina, where's luis?

The water in the bathroom is knee-deep, baby.

You better be careful, shorty.

You might drown.

I'm trying to fix the toilet.

Sweetie, sweetie, not now.

She got problems, baby.

She needs $,.

Thou--

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What did you do?

You getting sued for biting somebody?

Very funny.

The irs says that I'm behind in taxes.

Well, how far behind are you, pam?

Let me see. Um...

When did purple rain come out?

Pam!

That was...!

You haven't paid taxes since then?

How am I supposed to pay the government

If I'm going to keep my hair tight?

Well, I hope they do weaves in the joint

'Cause that's where you're going.

A-weave-adercci!

[Knock on door]

You know you're supposed to pay taxes!

I got your message.

I heard you got a broken stove?

That was three months ago.

We fixed that.

Now my toilet's broke.

I'll have to put you

At the bottom of our waiting list.

You'll be waiting for an ambulance

If you don't go fix my toilet.

Well, it's the last thing I'll be able to do.

Why? Are you getting fired?

I wish. I got a letter from immigration today.

They can't verify my citizenship,

So it looks like I'll be making a run for the border.

Well, damn, since you're going,

Bring me back a taco, burrito supreme.

Baby, you want something?

No, thank you.

No. I'm talking about a real run for the border.

I'm being deported.

Man! Everybody's got problems, huh?

Luis, you being deported.

Pam e. Coyote, you're going to jail.

Congratulations!

I hear jail is a very good college.

No, luis! Not yale, jail!

Prison! The big house!

I owe $, in back taxes.

$,?

I might be able to give you that.

You can?

What's the catch?

Me. I'm the catch. I need you to marry me.

Me marry you?

You must be el pollo loco!

Y'all hear what he just said?

No. I'm serious.

I need to marry an american

To stay in the country.

Whoa! Whoa!

Wait a minute, luis.

You can't marry your donkey.

What are the kids going to look like?

They'll look like you, only taller.

I'm about two minutes off your nose.

Luis, pam is my best friend.

I knew she wouldn't even go for anything like that.

Pam, get over here and tell the man.

How soon can you get the cash, amigo?

Pam!

The marriage will just be on paper.

I pay back the irs.

I get to stay in the country.

I get rid of pam and get my toilet fixed.

So y'all work it out.

Hola.

I always thought pam would end up with tommy.

Cole, they ain't getting married for real, man.

It's real, but it ain't real.

Right. Kind of like michael and lisa marie.

Right?

Yeah, yeah, something like that.

[Sobbing]

Oh, my nephew's getting married!

That woman better be good to him

Because he's a very good man.

Yes, he is, and so is pam.

Go right that way.

Wipe your tears. Wipe your tears.

Pam, I know your wedding is a scam and all,

But what if you meet somebody

That you really want to be with tomorrow?

What about that, pam?

Gina, just because I'm married

Doesn't mean that I can't date.

[Knock on door]

That last comment I'm not even going to talk about.

Ahem. Excuse me.

I want to talk to my future wife about our honeymoon.

Uh, come here.

There ain't going to be no fooling around

Between you and me.

So stop worrying about the honey-moon

And get me my money, soon.

Ah, yes. I have your money right here.

Thank you-- wait a minute!

This is only half!

Where's the rest of my money, man?

You get the rest after the marriage is official.

You know what?

I'm going to let you lovebirds handle your business, see?

'Cause I can't take this.

Hey. Hey.

Hola.

What's happening, man?

So, martin.

Nipsey, what you doing here, man?

Oh, cole hired me to cater the reception.

Where should I set up the buffet?

I know damn well

That ain't all the food you brought, man.

Where's the rest?

I ate some of it on the way over.

Man, just set it up over there on the counter,

Thick van exel.

Martin, where's the minister?

I want to get this over with.

Calm down. He'll be here in a minute.

Let's get this charade started.

Tommy is performing the ceremony?

Oh, yeah. He's an ordained minister.

He took classes at the "y."

He can marry people and do the backstroke.

Go ahead, tommy!

He seems upset.

Well, he used to be pam's owner before you.

All right, somebody start the music.

♪ Here comes the bride ♪

♪ All dressed in white ♪♪

Which reminds me...

Y'all got some white wine?

Go ahead, gina!

Boy, enough!

Hey, nips, what's happening, baby?

How's it going?

It's all right.

Is this all right? Oh.

Hey, girl, I haven't seen you. What's going on?

Hey, hey, pam!

I ain't got all day.

I like to talk to people. This is my day!

This is my day!

All right, now!

We are gathered here today...

Dearly deported...

I mean...beloved...

We are gathered here to join these two phonies

In holy matrimony!

Watch yourself, tommy.

All right.

Luis...

Do you take pam to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Sí.

See what?

That means yes!

Then why didn't you just say yes?

Hey! Hey! Fellas, hey!

Yo, wait! Wait! Hey!

Tommy, you're a minister, man.

Yeah, I know,

And I'm about to lay hands on him, too.

Tommy, calm down.

All right, I'm cool. I'm cool.

Amen.

Pam!

Do you take... Luis here

To be your unlawfully wedded husband?

As long as he got that check, I do.

Anybody here, like me, agree that, you know,

They shouldn't be getting married?

Oh! They look so beautiful together.

But I sure hope the children don't get her teeth.

I still can't believe

Pam is marrying a man for $,.

Now, , I can understand.

Damn! I should have asked for an extra .

[Wrong number telephone tone]

[Woman's voice] the thought you have reached is not in service.

And there is no new thought available.

I can't wait till this is over.

I'm going to knock her boots from here to albuquerque.

This is amazing.

I can't believe

How good pam looks in that wedding dress.

Man, please!

Hey, hey, hey!

So what's up, y'all?

Ain't nobody going to speak their mind in here?

Damn!

I don't think y'all should be doing this.

By the power...

Invested in me by the ymca...

I now pronounce you...

I now pronounce you...

Chico and the man! Come on!

[Salsa music plays]

That'll be $..

$.? I thought this was an open bar.

It is an open bar.

If you got $., It's open.

[Song ends]

Baby, don't you think you should make a toast or something?

You're right, boo.

I got 'em.

Can I have everybody's attention, please?

I'd like to propose a toast.

Well, all right!

That's what I'm talking about--

Some real food up in here!

To... The bride and the groom,

And for those of you who are confused,

Pam is the bride.

What, baby?

Martin, would you please be nice?

Don't even worry about it, gina.

Martin climbed down,

All the way off that wedding cake,

To make this toast.

Uh, hah. You wild. You wild.

Ahem.

Now, uh, ahem, ahem,

I got to say, uh,

I've known pam for a long time.

You know, we haven't always seen eye-to-eye.

That's because I couldn't bend down that low.

I'm trying to be nice, o.k.?

I don't care where you go!

So let me be the first to say...

Pam...luis...

May y'all have a happy life.

Yeah!

And one big litter!

Martin!

I said it. I said it.

I'm going to punch you right in your face.

R face.

Hey, gina, look, it's getting late, baby.

These people got to roll.

Come on, martin. It's pam's wedding.

Everybody's having a great time.

I'll be nice about it, o.k.?

I won't offend nobody.

All right, martin.

That's my baby.

Here you go.

Excuse me!

Could I have everybody's attention once again?

I need everybody on this side of the apartment

To move to the outside of the apartment.

You ain't got to go home,

But you got to get the hell out of here!

Peace!

Martin!

Peace!

I'm sorry!

Good day.

Bye-bye, everybody. Thanks for coming.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Congratulations, luis!

It was a beautiful wedding!

[Crying]

All right. I'll see y'all later.

Where are you going?

I got a date.

You can't go on a date in your wedding dress.

Don't worry. I got that covered.

You might as well give me the rest of my cash.

Pam, you can't go out on a date.

I did my part! I got married, didn't i?

It's not official yet.

Immigration is coming over tomorrow morning

To make sure this marriage is legit.

Once that is over,

I'll give you the rest of your money.

That's going to cost you extra.

Come up with the dough, man!

Luis, don't you think you brought enough stuff up in here?

I just want the investigator to believe

I really live with pam.

I don't know if he'll believe it,

But it damn sure don't look like a cave no more.

Pam! The investigator will be here any minute!

Forget it!

I'm not coming out in this outfit!

Girl, you better come out here!

As much money as he has invested...

Girl, get on out here.

Gina...

What?

$, Ain't worth me looking ridiculous.

You're right. Lose the sombrero.

Pam, it'll only take a few minutes,

So do it and get it over with.

Then we're going to set you free in the wild, girl.

[Knock on door]

I'm saying to you, martin, don't start.

Remember, o.k.?

If you run into trouble, we got your back.

Is the picture straight on the back of the thing?

[Takes a deep breath]

Welcome to mi casa.

Micrib es sucrib.

Muchas gracias.

I'm wayne phillips, department of immigration.

You must be luis?

Yes.

And this is my lovely american wife pam.

Thank you very much for coming. Adios.

Hold on.

I have a few questions I'd like to ask first.

Who are they?

They're our friends, the paynes.

They were witnesses at our wedding.

Luis and I have known them since we met.

Where exactly was it that you met?

Uh, they met at the million man march.

No. No. No. See--i'm sorry.

He's joking.

He meant they met in march.

All right. Well, thanks for coming.

Here's the door.

So--

I'll be leaving

As soon as I've finished the investigation.

Thank you.

Now, how long were you two engaged

Before you got married?

Five years. Six months.

I'm sorry. I'm confused.

We've known each other six months,

But if feels like five years.

And that's because being with pam

Is like doing hard time.

Nobody was talking to you, shorty by nature.

Excuse me, mr. Phillips.

I really don't understand why you're even doing this investigation.

Actually, we found it very coincidental

That you two got married

Two days after we informed luis

He was going to be deported.

Oh, no, no, no!

We have been planning our wedding for ages.

Uh, that's right.

All pam ever talked about was getting married

And getting a new leash on life.

Don't mind him, mr. Phillips.

He's just a little bitter.

He was too short to be our ring bearer!

Speaking of rings,

Why aren't you two wearing any?

Ah, ha!

Ha ha ha!

That's a damn good question.

Excuse me.

Luis, sweetheart,

You were supposed to get the rings.

No, mi amoro.

You were supposed to get the rings, pam.

That's the problem.

You don't pay attention to me!

[Speaking spanish]

Don't be talking that mess up here--

I've seen all I need to see.

Get to the point.

Did they pass or not?

The way these two argue, they got to be married.

Yes! I'm so happy, I could--

Damn, luis.

I didn't know you had it like that, puppy.

Me, neither.

Uh, so, mr. Phillips,

Thank you for coming, and, uh...

Mr. Phillips, uh,

It was, uh, nice meeting you.

The pleasure was all mine, ms...

James.

No. That's your maiden name.

What's your new last name?

She knows it. It's--

Let your wife answer, luis.

Of course I know my last name!

Um...gonzales.

Garcia?

[Heavy spanish accent] ricardo?

Does that mean we failed?

Of course you failed.

If you don't know your husband's last name,

The marriage can't be real.

Luis, I'm afraid you're being deported.

Oh, luis! I'm so sorry!

Hey, partner, I'm going to miss you, man.

Luis, I'm going to miss you, too.

Does that mean you're going to pay me in pesos?

Luis, I promise to pay you all your money back.

Forget it, pam. A deal's a deal.

I appreciate what you did for me.

Aw, thanks!

And I'd appreciate it

If you'd take her to mexico with you.

Shut up. I'm counting.

Girl, I'm just playing.

Give me a dollar.

I think this is a wedding present you forgot to open.

Oh, it's from my mom.

"Dear son, this picture's my gift to you

"And your new bride.

Love, mommy and poppy."

Who's this one with the baby?

That's mama, and that's me.

But that's not poppy.

Oh. Mama was living foul.

Wait a minute.

There's some writing on the back.

"Luis, mama, and dr. Brady.

New york hospital. One day after delivery."

New york hospital?

Luis, do you know what this means?

Baby, it means he's one of us.

You mean I'm african american?

No, luis! It means you're a u.s. Citizen.

You can't be deported.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Oh, luis!

Yeah! Yeah!

How can I ever, ever, ever show my appreciation?

How about taking your wife out to dinner?

For real?

Yeah. I thought we could go out once

Before our marriage is annulled.

I know just the place!

Uh, luis, let me holler at you for a second.

You better get separate checks.

Taking pam out can be very expensive.

You know she got a extra row of teeth.

Eats a lot, huh?

She'll clamp down on your a*s, man.

You'll get rabies.

You won't know what's happening.

You won't know what's happening.

[Salsa music plays]