04x11 - Three Homies and a Baby

[bunniefuu]

Oh, please!

If it ain't the two I crave.

What y'all got in the bag, some masks?

Ah...

I be cracking myself up.

I don't care who laughs.

I cracks myself up.

Sheneneh, um, has it ever occurred to you

To mind your business?

And has it ever occurred to you

That I'll scatter your crooked teeth

Up and down this hallway?

Get out of my face.

Don't turn your back on me.

I will handle her, o.k.?

Excuse me, sheneneh, not today.

Don't start.

Don't tell me--

No. Not today. Look,

If you must know,

We came from the store getting a few things.

Thank you.

A few things, huh?

Let me see what's inside.

Diapers, bottles...

Somebody pregnant?

No. Wrong again. I'm not pregnant. Excuse me.

It can't be her.

Didn't they have you spayeded?

What? What?

[Arguing]

I'll strike her.

All right!

Sheneneh, we don't have time for this, o.k.?

My cousin's visiting. These things are for her baby.

That's good.

If your baby's head was as big as yours,

You'd be in labor longer than you were pregnant.

Whwh

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

Oh, snitty snap...

G.i. Joe with the kung fu grip.

Oh, sh--oh...

Hey, baby.

I didn't do nothin'.

I didn't break nothin'. It was like that.

Yeah, you did it,

But that's o.k.

I got plenty of toys for little cameron.

Oh, yeah?

So what time your cousin gettin' here?

They should've been here by now.

I can't believe sharon had a baby.

I remember when she didn't even like boys.

She was swinging like that back then?

No! What is wrong with you?

[Knock on door]

That's them.

Ohh!

Aah! Ohh!

Oh, the baby!

Oh, my god. He is so cute.

Martin, you remember sharon and wesley, right?

Hey, whazzup, wes.

You got your little soldier.

Yeah. That's my pride and joy right there.

You don't look like you had a baby.

Your figure's back already?

I think I got somebody else's figure

'Cause these just kind of popped out after cameron was born.

Maybe we should make a baby

So your fun bags will pop out.

Bleah, pow. Shut up.

He is crazy.

Y'all sit down, make yourselves comfortable.

I'll take this.

So what's up, martin?

You thinkin' about puttin' a little bun in the oven?

I'm thinkin' about puttin' or in there...

So they can do all the housework.

Excuse me.

I'm not pushing out , so forget it.

Martin will change his tune after he has one.

I love my child, but I'm telling you,

Babies are a lot of work.

I'm a baby expert.

Lot of people don't know that.

Check this.

Itch-a-goo-goo ga-ga shnuggie...

What's wrong with him?

Uh, nothin', martin.

I think he's, you know,

Handling his business.

Oh, that's why he turnin' red.

Ooh...

[Music plays]

Gina?

Yeah, baby?

How's wesley and sharon going to do this electra-slide?

There's only two of 'em.

Excuse me, martin.

Your friends'll have to pay for scuffing up my hardwood floor.

Man, as if you ain't scuffed up the floor, too.

It'll be all right, nip.

Y'all missin' it.

We're tearing it up.

Oh, there you go.

Why don't y'all slide back out there on the floor

'Fore someone sees y'all talkin' to us?

Martin, this is our first time out since having cameron.

As a matter of fact, bro,

I wanted to take sharon on our second honeymoon.

She won't let cameron out of her sight.

It's hard to find babysitters you can trust.

You can trust us. We'll watch the baby.

Cameron's so young. He needs me.

But, baby...

Daddy needs you, too.

Well, all right.

I guess it's o.k. It's just one weekend.

Well, all right!

Let's get down, get funky, get loose, baby.

Whoo...

Enjoy.

All right. Get loose.

Martin, are you sure about this?

Taking care of a baby--

It ain't no joke, honey.

Baby, don't worry. It's all good.

Kids love marty-mar.

You know marty-mar love kids.

All right, marty-mar. You handle this.

Whoa, buckin' already.

You tested it on your wrist, right?

Yeah, baby, but I forgot--

Does he need a straw,

Or can he drink it straight out of the bottle?

Very funny, martin.

I'm just making sure

We follow all of sharon's instructions.

Did you sterilize the nipple?

Baby, you know I'm a expert in that area.

You are nasty.

What? I--i--

Not in front of the baby.

[Gasp]

Oh, martin, look at him.

Isn't he cute?

Oh, isn't he darling?

Martin, I'm so glad

You offered to take care of little cameron.

This is fun, honey.

Yeah.

I need to put on his pjs before he goes to bed.

Aren't these cute?

Oh, gina...

Kiddie, kiddie...

No kiddie-kiddie, no.

Gina, he ain't trying to be cute.

He's trying to be fly like his uncle martin.

That's why I bought him these pajamas--

Player of the year pajamas.

Nah.

He's not wearing those. No.

Why you want to be a player-hater? Come on...

Martin, would you just check sharon's list

And make sure we got everything.

Baby, we don't need no list.

Everything's smooth.

The baby ain't cried once all day.

[Telephone rings]

Get that, baby.

Yeah, hello.

Hey, wesley, what's happening, man?

No. Everything's cool.

Oh, all right, then.

O.k., We'll see you then.

All right. Later.

What happened?

There was a blizzard in canada,

They got snowed in.

What?

Yeah.

When will they be back?

Couple days.

I told them, "don't trip.

Cameron ain't no problem."

Waaah!

Oh, damn.

Honey...

[Baby crying]

Martin.

Martin, wake up. The baby is crying again.

I got the baby, gina.

I got the baby.

Excuse me, excuse me...

He's probably tired.

Well, he should be.

He kept us up all night.

We should be the ones crying.

Look, all he needed was his little pacifier.

If he cries again, make sure he's dry.

Otherwise make sure he's not hungry.

Why you tellin' me?

Where you going?

I'm going to work.

Say what?

Martin, you heard me.

I got to go to work.

Who gonna watch cameron?

You. You're the one with the day off, mr. Baby expert.

[Knock on door]

I don't know if I agree with this.

Damn, baby...

Hi. Good morning.

You look... Terrible as usual.

How come I just woke up, but you're the one with the morning breath?

Leave it alone, just leave it alone.

The baby.

Shh. Pam, please.

Martin, that's so sweet.

You let the baby sleep in your bed.

[Crying]

I know you got to be tired of crying

'Cause I'm tired of listening.

[Knock on door]

Oh...

Hey, marty-mar.

Hey, whazzup, y'all?

I need some help with this baby, man.

[Gasp]

You had a baby?

Congratulations, man.

Gina didn't look pregnant yesterday.

Cole, I'm not in the mood, man.

This is gina's cousin cameron.

What's wrong with him?

I don't know. He won't eat, won't stop crying...

Well, let me see the little fella there.

How you doing, man?

What a little soldier!

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

What's the stuff coming out of his mouth?

That's just baby juices, man, that's all.

If his head starts spinning like inthe exorcist,

I'm gonna have to bounce.

Hey, martin,

The little fella, he carrying a full load here.

Cole, get me a diaper.

Where they at?

Hey, you ought to look. They ain't none left.

O.k., Don't nobody panic.

We'll make a diaper.

How about a newspaper?

He ain't no puppy, man.

Martin, you have any cloth napkins?

Uh, cabinet, third drawer.

Third drawer.

Just wait a second, buddy.

Here.

Got it?

O.k., Tommy, get in there and change the diaper.

Me? Why do I have to do it?

Because you're the tallest, man.

By the time the smell get to you, it'll be gone.

Good. Here, take this, man.

Uh, ugh...

Take it.

Hold up, hold up.

Uh...

Uhh...

Ughh...

Ready for new diaper.

Right here.

Here we go...

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Almost got me there.

A little long-winded, huh?

It's like he was trying to give you a baby shower.

There we go.

Waaaah...

You know, maybe he's hungry.

I'm gonna put some burgers on the grill.

He don't have teeth.

Maybe we should tell him a bedtime story.

All right. I got to make one up.

Be careful.

I got the baby, man.

I cradled the baby, o.k.?

Now, once upon a time...

There were three bears--

Mama bear...

Papa bear...

And the meanest bear of them all--

Pam bear.

She was a mean old grizzly.

Look, I got an idea.

Why not sing him an alibi?

That's "lullaby," fool...

But good idea, man.

Yeah, yeah.

Sing him lullaby and good night.

That's what mom sang last night.

Tommy,

You do the vocals, man.

All right.

Here we go.

Don't cradle--

I got the cradle.

♪ Lullaby ♪

♪ And good night ♪

♪ Go to sleep, little cameron ♪

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ Dream your dreams ♪

♪ And if you don't, I will scream ♪

♪ Da-da da ♪

♪ Doo-doo dee ♪

♪ Da-da da da... ♪♪

Shh.

Tommy, tommy.

What, what?

I think it worked. He's sleepin'.

[Snoring]

So's cole.

Cole!

Man, wake up. The baby's asleep.

Uh, cool, cool-- ahem. Cool. Cool.

Now we can watch the game in peace.

What are you doing?

The baby's asleep.

Are you crazy?

Waaaah...

What's wrong with you, cole?

Calm down.

There are three of us and only one baby.

But this baby's whuppin' our a*s.

You're right about that.

Maybe it misses its mother.

What we need is a woman's touch.

I got an idea.

What's wrong with you?

Not when my man is here.

Man, o.k., I'm sorry.

You know, you lucky lafar is asleep.

If he'd came to the door,

He'd have whupped your a*s. What is it?

I'll make it quick, all right?

We're over here babysitting, right?

We can't get this baby to stop crying.

Why can't you just get gina?

What's the problem?

Gina's at work, o.k.?

You're the only other woman we can trust.

Well, I am a lady.

I do love the babies.

I guess I could help for a minute,

But it better not be nothing stupid, huh?

You know me.

I don't do anything stupid.

Just want you to come over and breast-feed the baby.

You know what, cole,

I'm about to go ahead and give lafar my .

If you're still standing here,

You gonna be full of more holes than a fishnet.

Lafar!

Come on, little cameron,

Uncle martin says you got to chill with that crying.

Tommy, did you just see that?

What happened?

Baby gave me the finger.

Y'all ain't got that baby stopped crying yet?

You're not complaining.

You got him to cry in the first place.

I wish martin never invited me over.

I wish I never did either, cole.

[Arguing]

Y'all gonna have to be quiet

If y'all want the babe to stay sleep.

Whoa, when did you get here, man?

While y'all was arg'ng.

Somebody had to look out for little brothah.

How'd you get him to sleep?

I just... Picked him up...

And held him close to my heart.

Since you good with babies,

Watch him so we can get some sleep.

Oh, man...

All right.

I just rock him like my moms used to do me

When I was a breast-fed child runnin' wild.

Now you're a corn-fed freeloader with an odor.

Oh...

Oh, man.

Cool--baby's still asleep.

No crying...

Aw, damn, tommy, cole!

The baby's gone, man.

Martin, he probably just went for a little walk.

He's months old. He can't walk.

Right. He probably took the stroller.

Y'all gotta help me find this baby, man.

Cameron, where are you?

Cameron!

Hold it, hold it. Wait. Hold on.

Who had the baby last?

Bro man!

You know, you right.

Probably took cameron to the fifth floor.

I'll go get him.

That scared the hell out of me, man.

I tell ya...

Gina!

What are you doing here?

I live here. What are you doing here?

Just helpin' martin with the baby.

Baby.

Oh, that's so nice of you guys.

Thank you.

Where's cameron?

Brotherman's. I don't know.

Which is it, you don't know,

Or he's at brotherman's?

I don't know. Brotherman's.

All right... Don't play with me!

Where is cameron?

Don't panic, o.k., Please.

Martin will return any second with the baby.

♪ Don't you cry, don't you weep ♪

♪ Lullaby, baby-- ♪♪

Thank god!

Cameron, you're all right, thank god.

You just gonna snatch the baby?

That's why I don't like y'all-- y'all never speak.

Oh, sorry. Hi, sheneneh.

Oh, yeah. Fly.

Sheneneh, what are you doing with the baby?

The three stooges over there fell asleep,

And the baby was crying like he saw you without makeup.

So I came and got the baby,

And I held the baby close to my heart.

Ooh...

Well, thank you, sheneneh.

That was very, very thoughtful of you,

But next time, could you leave a note?

That's why I don't do nothin' for nobody.

Your attitudes are straight upstate.

Bye, baby.

Jus' bubs.

You left the baby with sheneneh?

What were you thinking?

Where's martin?

Gina, martin's not here,

But he'll be back any minute.

[Knock on door]

This better be him. This better be martin.

Martin--

Hi!

Oh, hi, sweetie.

There you go.

Oh, mommy missed you so much.

Oh, my goodness, you're wet.

Let me change you--

What kind of diaper is this?

That from the motherland.

Right.

Well, I'm glad you made it back safely.

Got back as fast as we could.

Cameron give you trouble?

No, no. No trouble at all...

Like he wasn't even here.

Martin, whazzup?

Uh, wesley, what's happening, man?

Uh...

Did you tell them what happened?

No, no. There's nothin' to tell.

Look, uh,

I'm just going to be a man about this

And be straight with you.

Cameron--

Baby, baby, baby...

Cameron's right here in this apartment,

And he's the best baby I ever seen.

Maybe you can watch him again sometime.

Anytime, anytime.

We'll call you.

Way to go.

All right, well, let's pack up,

So martin and gina can get some rest.

Yeah. Word, word, word.

Baby, when...

If you noticed, the rest of your herd just left.

If you giddy-up, you can catch 'em.

I'm not getting into a smaltercation with you.

Well, after all of this,

Do you think you're ready to start a family?

No, no, gina.

Hell, no.

But you know what?

What?

It ain't gonna stop us from practicing.

Ha ha ha!

Not in front of the teddy.

Damn the teddy.