04x10 - Housekeeper from Hell

[bunniefuu]

Popping the hell out of that popcorn.

Don't forget the hot sauce.

Martin, hot sauce on popcorn?

Ehh!

Brothers put hot sauce on everything.

sh**t, pizza, salads.

sh**t,

Girl, I'd put hot sauce on you if you'd let me.

You know what?

I don't need any hot sauce

'Cause my husband heats me up enough.

You know that's right, girl.

You know that's right.

Baby?

Yeah.

Why the hell are we eating popcorn

Out of a skillet?

Because, martin,

The sink is full of some crusty-dusty dishes

That you said that you were going to wash.

Right.

Right, right, right. Right, right, right.

I did say that, right?

I'll bust the suds right after this movie goes off.

Thank you. What are you watching?

Roots.

Captioning made possible by warner bros.

Whwh

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, yeawhazzup!♪

♪ I'm the man ♪

Tin ♪♪

You can chill with the making of the bed.

No more housework for us.

I got a b*mb idea.

I bet mine is better. Hold that thought.

I made a cleanup chart.

Check the day, and it tells you what to do.

I ain't trying to see no chart.

Baby, I ain't doing jack.

I work hard all day.

And you know I been saving

All my extra energy for you, girl.

Yeah, well, we have been busy being newlyweds.

We haven't had much time for housework.

Right, right.

Well, don't worry, baby.

I came up with a way to handle it.

It won't cost us a dime.

That sounds good to me.

I'll get mama on the phone.

Oh, no, no!

No, martin! You know that woman can't stand me.

Gina, that's not true.

You're family now.

Mama loves you.

She just don't like you.

No, martin, I'm sorry.

It's not going down like that.

You can forget that.

Baby, we got to do something.

What about a housekeeper?

I know we can get somebody

For about , $ a week.

Cool. That's cool.

'Cause you know that plate

That jumped in the sink last night?

Yeah.

It just ran into the bathroom.

[Knock on door]

I'll get it.

What's up, man?

Whoa!

Your apartment's like a whole new place.

Word.

I didn't know y'all moved.

Me and gina needed help cleaning,

So we hired ourselves a housekeeper.

O.k., O.k.

Got yourselves some old lady

To help you clean up, huh?

You know, something like that.

Ebony, can I see you for a minute?

Yes, mr. Payne.

Oh, my damn.

Before you leave, can you clean

The top of the refrigerator?

I was just about to do that.

What do you say?

Where'd you find her?

Called up the pyt housekeeping service.

They sent her right over.

Well, she's fine, dawg.

Lord, I wish she had a sister!

Damn...

It's that easy?

Excuse me.

Lord, I wish I had a million dollars!

Cole, tommy, I'd like you to meet

Ebony and essence.

How you doing, ebony? How you doing, essence?

What your brother's name is, jet?

Come on, ebony, essence, jet?

I'm going to be standing right over there.

Hello, ladies.

I am thomas.

I'm a virgo.

'".

Just so happens that I'm--

Jobless, tommy.

Tell what the truth is.

You're jobless.

Check this out, check this out.

Oops.

I made a mess. Oh, my, oh, my!

Oh, my!

Ladies, ladies, he's not part of this house.

Don't you have something

Y'all can clean in the bedroom?

Right away, mr. Payne.

That goes double for me.

Right on.

Right on.

Damn, she look like a fine set of bookends.

Whoo!

I don't care how they look

As long as they get the job done.

You got a point there.

But it don't hurt that they fine, dawg!

Hey!

Whoa!

Baby!

I've never seen this place look so clean.

The housekeeper you hired did a great job.

Well, we're all done, mr. Payne.

Too bad they can't stay.

Gina, gina, why not?

We had so much housework,

I had to hire two.

Martin, you've had your fun,

But those two, they gotta run.

Tommy, cole, show's over. Let's go.

Oh, gina, baby,

Why you want to be like that?

They can clean.

Yeah, they can clean.

They just can't clean here.

O.k., Look, we can compromise.

Let's keep one.

Martin--martin--

Save your breath, sister.

We know the routine.

This happens all the time.

The men hire us...

The women fire us.

Uh, look here, ladies.

You know, it just so happens,

I got a house that needs cleaning.

He ain't got no job.

Me and moms, we get paid twice a month.

Once on the st and again on the th.

Look, about that job.

I really do...

Ah ha ha!

Girl...i know what you're thinking, baby.

I didn't notice how fly they were.

I'll have to do this.

I'm going to hire the housekeeper, martin.

Miss payne, is there anything else

You might need?

No, apollo, that'll be fine.

No, no, no, no, no, wait.

There is one thing you can do for me.

What's that?

Can you do that funny thing with your chest again?

Pam! Pam!

Pam, I don't think that's part of the man's job description.

Let him finish vacuuming, please.

Can't I just--

[Vacuum whirs]

You know what, apollo?

You are so strong.

Gina?

What the hell is going on over there?

Martin, meet our new housekeeper.

This is apollo.

Good evening.

Can I get your slippers, sir?

No, but you can get the hell out.

And give your little brother back his shirt.

Martin, get over here.

Will you get over here?

Is there a problem?

Now, martin, I know you don't have a problem

With the cleaning around here

Because the place is spotless,

Just like when the twins did it.

You had a problem with the twins.

I got a problem with big-a*s benson.

Excuse me, little brother.

My name ain't benson.

My name is apollo.

Make like your name is water

And get to running, huh?

Apollo, please.

Don't pay him any mind.

He's jealous 'cause one of your arms

Weighs more than his tiny little body.

Since you like him so much,

Let him clean out your cage.

That's not a bad idea.

'Cause my apartment needs a little cleaning anyway.

I like that.

Grrr!

All right, all right, martin.

Look, fine.

We both agree that we need a housekeeper.

Why don't we just call an agency?

I'm with you, o.k.?

Uh, excuse me.

Since me and apollo will be back in my apartment,

You know, doing some work,

I was wondering if I could borrow your mop

And, um...

Your handcuffs.

[Knock on door]

Oh, baby, could you get that?

We done seen half the housekeepers in detroit.

Just tell them we ain't hiring none.

All right.

[Knock knock]

I'm coming! I'm coming!

Hi.

Hi, sweet babies.

I'm miss minnie.

I understand you're looking for a housekeeper.

Well, I think you're looking for apartment .

No.

I don't work there no more.

Oh, yeah, the jeffersons.

I'm sorry, they're not here.

They moved on up.

No, sweetheart.

I'm looking for the paynes.

Oh, well, that's us.

We were looking for housekeepers,

But we changed our mind.

Thank you.

Now that's too bad.

I would've loved working for such a fine couple.

My, my, my, you're handsome.

You ain't in the movies, are you?

No, I'm not in the movies.

You ought to be.

A lot of people tell me that.

Gina, did you hear?

That's all right.

Um, um...

You got good taste and all,

But do you have experience?

Experience?

Child, I raised three babies.

I wash windows, I do dishes,

And I scrub toilets like you wouldn't believe.

You're hired. You're hired.

There's just one little thing.

I need y'all to sign this paper for the agency.

I need a key, and I'll see y'all in the morning.

O.k., Well, here's a key.

And here's your paper.

Thank you.

So delightful.

You are so sweet.

Oh, and you give out sugar, too.

This is going to be beautiful.

I'll see y'all first thing in the morning.

O.k.

Martin.

Baby.

We finally found somebody

To help us out around here.

We ain't going to have to do no more housework.

We can stay in bed all day long

If we want to.

Mmm.

Come on, lazybones.

Rise and shine.

It's : in the morning.

Y'all in my way.

I'm already way behind schedule,

So get up.

What the hell?

Miss minnie, are you out your mind?

You watch your mouth, young man.

You paid me to do a job,

And like the contract says,

For the next three months,

I'll do that job.

Get your lazy butts up.

Three months?

Martin,

What did we do?

I don't know, gina.

You signed the contract,

College graduate.

[Humming]

Ah, good morning, miss minnie.

Morning?

It's almost :.

Thought y'all was never going to get up.

I made breakfast for you and your pretty wife,

So eat it, enjoy it, and get out.

You ain't got to be so pushy.

Can I get some water first?

There's a glass of juice on the table.

You're not dirtying my glasses,

So if you want water,

Duck your head under the faucet.

All right, miss minnie.

Have you seen my autographed pistons jersey?

I want to have it framed.

You talking about that dirty shirt

With all that writing on it?

What you mean, dirty?

Don't worry. It's not dirty no more.

I got all that ink off of there.

The nerve of those children

Putting that graffiti on your shirt.

I know damn well you didn't wash my...

My autographed grant hill...

Ohhh!

Damn!

I sure did.

Don't no grant hill live here.

And you watch your mouth.

Not only do I wash dirty windows,

I wash dirty mouths, too.

Don't you test me.

Good morning.

Good morning, sweetie.

What is--what?

Baby, what is wrong with you?

Look what she did to my autographed grant hill jersey.

Who is this supposed to fit, our little son?

Ooh, baby.

She probably just made an honest mistake.

She's trying to do her job.

Something is up with miss minnie.

I don't know about her.

You're overreacting, martin.

She did a great job with my blouse.

Ha ha ha--aah!

No!

Not my donna karan, martin!

My donna karan blouse!

She probably thought it was pam and had it branded.

That's not funny, martin.

You're right, you're right.

We have to put our foot down with miss minnie.

This is our house. We run this.

Oh, hi, babies.

Did y'all eat that healthy breakfast I made for you?

We were thinking about going out for breakfast

To ihop.

Hop your butts over to that table

And eat that breakfast.

Stewed prunes and okra will keep you regular.

Oh!

Miss minnie,

Stewed pr--

It'll keep the incense burning regular, too.

Look, miss minnie, we got to talk.

Miss minnie, look, you're taking your job

A little bit too seriously.

What you mean, sugar?

What we saying is,

We hired you to clean our house,

Not feed us prunes

And wake us up at the crack of dawn.

That's what I get

For trying to do a good job.

No, no, miss minnie. Don't--

Look what you did.

Broke out crying.

I had three more months to go

To pay for my gallstone operation.

No, no, no, miss minnie.

Don't cry.

We're not saying that you're fired.

We just saying you ain't got to come back no more.

I mean you ain't got to come back no more

Till you finish in the bedroom.

Something like...

Ohh, y'all so sweet.

Oh, thank you.

You the sweet one.

Y'all so precious, babies.

Aw.

Miss minnie.

We got to get used to her.

She's really a sweet, sweet woman.

Who the hell left the top off the toothpaste?

Ohh.

Gina.

Boo, I'm home.

What are you doing?

You can't just throw your bag

On the couch like that.

You know miss minnie don't play that.

You know that!

Hey, gina,

This is my house,

And I do what I damn well please.

She ain't here, is she?

No, she went down to the laundromat,

But she'll be back in a minute.

Whazzup with the plastic bags on your feet?

She told me if I scuffed up her floors

Or if I left any fingerprints,

It was my a*s.

All right, baby. She's just trippin'.

Now, look, let's just relax,

Eat some dinner in our nice, clean house.

Now, what you cook?

Nothing.

I ain't touching anything in that kitchen.

You gonna do it?

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

If we want to eat in our kitchen,

Then I'll take my wife down to nipsey's.

Come on, baby.

Before she get back.

Wait, wait.

Hey, what's going on, y'all?

Hey.

What's the matter with y'all?

Our housekeeper is wearing us out.

Why? Isn't she cleaning?

Cleaning isn't the problem.

Check this out.

She put an iron to my donna karan, girl.

[Gasps]

No, not donna!

Sounds like you got the housekeeper from hell.

Hide the hammers and watch your ankles

In case she flips

Like the baby inmisery.

Martin payne!

Are you out your mind?

Hey, we chillin'. What you want?

I'll tell you what I don't want.

I don't want your shoes

In the middle of my clean living room.

You came all the way down here to tell us that?

If I let you get away with this,

You'd be plucking my nerves

Every chance you get.

And ultimately,

We'll have a bad relationship.

Get my drift?

Work it out.

Ohh...

Miss minnie ain't no joke.

We'll see if she's telling jokes

In the unemployment line.

Go work it out.

What the he...

Oh, damn, she done ziplocked

Our whole apartment.

Hi, babies.

What's up with all the plastic?

You trying to smother our furniture?

Since y'all insist on sitting on it,

That's the only way I can keep it clean.

Look, miss minnie,

We have something to tell you.

Martin, tell her what's on your mind.

Miss minnie--

Let me tell you what happened today.

Some woman come by here

With the hardest butt biscuits I ever tasted.

Almost chipped miss minnie's tooth.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Not my mama biscuits.

Where my mama biscuits, miss minnie?

In the trash where they belong.

Ooh, you in trouble.

Now, brace yourself.

I got something I been trying to tell you all day.

Say what you got to say, miss minnie.

I got something to get off my chest, too.

I'm sorry to tell y'all this,

But...

I'm leaving.

This is miss minnie's last day.

What?

You can't quit.

I was about to fire you.

Ha ha ha!

You so funny.

But I'm serious, children.

Miss minnie done hit the lottery,

And I ain't cleaning up for nobody no more.

That's great!

Congratulations.

Now you can get your gallstones fixed.

But before I go,

I got a little something for you.

Miss minnie been blessed,

And I believe in passing the blessing on.

Oh, miss minnie!

Oh, miss minnie!

You gonna give us some money after all you--

Worked with us and everything.

$.?

Miss minnie make a little boo-boo.

Oh.

I thought it was $..

We thought you were going to give us $..

Here you go, sweetie.

Thank you.

Now, y'all take care of yourself.

Bye-bye, babies.

So precious.

Ain't she something?

She's something else.

I'm going to tell you,

Miss minnie is all right with me.

She's leaving us a little change.

She left us a check.

Aw, gina--

For a dollar?

No, no, no gina.

Miss minnie's gonna pay me for my grant hill jersey.