06x05 - Tony and the Professor

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Singer:
♪ there's a time for love ♪

♪ and a time for livin' ♪

♪ so take a chance
and face the wind ♪

♪ an open road and
a road that's hidden ♪

♪ a brand-new life
around the bend ♪

♪ there were times ♪

♪ i lost a dream or two ♪

♪ found the trail ♪

♪ and at the end was you ♪

♪ there's a path you take
and a path not taken ♪

♪ the choice is
up to you, my friend ♪

♪ nights are long,
but you might awaken ♪

♪ to a brand-new life ♪

♪ brand-new life ♪

♪ a brand-new life
around the bend ♪

Hi. Welcome
to stromboli's.

Oh, thank you. Hey.

It's about a half-hour wait,
if you want to go sit in the bar

I'll put you
on the list.

Oh, okay, sure. Micelli.
Name?

M-i-c--
see the pretty hostess?

E-l-l-i--

I see the pretty hostess.

Whoa.

It takes a real pro
to pick up a hostess.

Oh, no, pee wee, I wasn't
trying to pick up the hostess

I'm just trying
to get us a table in this place.

Great. How about
next to those babes?

Now wait a minute,
pee wee.

I thought
you drag me here

To talk to me about
muriel leaving you.

Oh, yeah.
Muriel left me.

Let's get
some women.

Now, hold it.
Wait a minute.

It's too soon anyway.

How do you know
muriel won't come back?

Oh, it's over. Dead.

finito.

She wouldn't take me back now

If I got on my knees
and begged.

No, no. I'm telling you,
yes, she would.

"Dear pee wee, it's over.
Dead. finito.

"I wouldn't take you back now

Even if you got down
on your knees and begged."

You're single.

Now, you got to help me
out here, tony.

I need a babe.

All right, take it easy.
You need a babe.

Listen, the problem is that

You'll never find
anybody worthwhile

In a place like this.

Hey, I think angela's
pretty worthwhile.

Exactly.

Ant that's why
you'd never find angela

In a meat market
like this.

Sure, you would.
She's right over there.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.
Come on.

Let's go out
the back way.

No, wait.
There's tony!

Hey, hi, tony!

Hi, hi.

Hey, well, what are
you two doing here?

I thought you were
going shopping.

Yeah, that's what
I'm doing.

We also had dinner.
What are you doing here?

I thought you are going
to turn in early.

Well, I'm here
cheering up pee wee.

His wife left him.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, she got angry,
we had a fight.

She said all I ever do
is sit around and watch tv.

When did
this happen?

I'm not sure.
I think it was sometime

During
jake and the fatman.

Take a seat,
please.

Tony, do you think
this is the best place

To console a friend
whose wife just left him?

Hey, angela,
this is pee wee's idea.

You know me,
I hate these places.

What are you
talking about?

You used to do great
in these places.

I did not pee wee.

I bet you did.

We used to call him
"the old angler."

He'd throw out a line
and reel the girls in.

Pee wee.

Ooh, tell me more.

Angela.

When he got married,

Instead of
retiring his number,

We took a pair
of his pants

And hung it up
over the local bar.

Yeah, well,
I'd love to stay

And listen
to more stories,

But not from you.

I'll take bachelor
number two.

Mother!

They don't have
takeout here.

We're leaving. Try to keep
your pants on.

And no fly fishing
either.

Hi.

Like sh**ting
fish in a barrel.

Uh, hi.

These two seats
taken?

Whoa! They're jumping
in the boat.

No, no, please.
Have a seat.

Have a seat.
Thanks.

So, uh, I'm joan.
This is susan.

Hi, I'm tony.

I'm pee wee.

You get the irony?

Pee wee, be cool.

There's a thin line
between charming

And repulsive.

Good tip. Thanks.

So, uh, you broads
come here often?

Actually, we were just
gonna have a drink

And then go see casablanca
at the revival theater.

Oh, casablanca, huh?
That's a classic.

I love that movie.

And bogey, bogart's
my favorite.

In fact
I like him so much,

I won't do
an impression.

Yeah, bogey.
I love bogey.

You dirty rat!

You finked on
my brother!

Pretty good, huh?

You know I don't think
they write

Great romances like
casablanca anymore.

Oh, you know, I'm not sure.
I'm not sure.

Have you seen
lady and the tr*mp?

Well, you know, they're running
a bogart festival all month.

Starting friday night
they're showing

treasure
of sierra madre.

Really, really.
You know,

I always wanted
to see that movie

On a big screen.

Want to make it
a date?

Uh, a date?

I'm sorry, maybe I'm being
too forward.

I've never done this before
I'm not very good at it.

No, no. You're very
good at it.

I mean, I like movies.

So we're on?

Uh, okay, we're on.

Uh, terrific, then.

Here is my number.

Give me a call.

You bet, you bet.

Great.

You want to make it
a foursome?

No.

Wait, wait. I can crush
a beer can on my head.

Have you tried
a bottle?

Bye.

Call me?
Bye. I'll call you.

Whoa.
Your angler's back.

You were witty,
you were cute,

Was sexy...

I was, wasn't i?

Good morning, goodbye,

And good luck
with your new class. Mwah.

Hold on. Hold on.
What's the hurry?

What about breakfast?

Dad, I already had
breakfast

At 6:30.

Ah, up at the crack
of dawn.

Hey, you wanna get
a jump on a date

'Cause you can't wait
to get to school?

Dad?

A father could dream,
can't he?

No, pee wee was up at dawn
watching cartoons

And he doesn't just watch

He acts out all the parts.

Still?

That's all, people.

Pee wee: whoa, did we have
a wild time last night?

What time did we get in--




Sure felt like longer.

Who am I kidding?

I'm not cut out
for the single life.

I'm a one-woman guy.

I know what you mean.

Hey, popeye's got
olive oyl,

Donald's got daisy,
and porky's got petunia.

Oh, you didn't hear.

Petunia threw porky out.

Oh, yeah, it was on
cartoon cavalcade this morning.

Are you kidding me?
You know,

I never trusted
that petunia,

That little pig.

That reminds me,
I really miss muriel.

I'm gonna beg her
to take me back.

Now you're talking,
pee wee.

Now you're talking.
Yeah, I mean,

Nobody can live
that shallow empty life
as good as you can.

Oh, gee, thanks, pee wee,

But that's not exactly
my lifestyle, either.

In fact,
let me tell you something

I'm thinking
of canceling

That date I made
with that girl joan.

Oh, can I have her?

Pee wee,
I thought you said

You're going
back to muriel.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

So, how come
you made a date with her,

If you're just gonna
call it off?

Hey, hey, I didn't make
a date with her

She made it with me,
I just said yes.

Tony, you did a little more
than say yes.

Well, all right. All right.
I know. I know.

I never should've flirted

But, you know,
old habits they die hard.

You know what I mean?
Sure, there I was.

I could have stopped
at friendly, but, no,

I had to go all the way
to irresistible.

Yeah, well,
don't be too hard on yourself.

You know, you're a guy
flirting is what we do.

It's our raison d'etre.

Where did you
pick that up,

jake and the fatman
go to paris?

You know what I mean.

Flirting comes natural
to us guys.

Yeah, I love to flirt,

When I'm looking
in some girl's eyes

And being real cute--
you know, me--

I feel great, like
I could live forever.

When did you become
warren beatty?

Hey, I'm not as harmless
as I look.

You know guys
there's nothing like

The thrill
of the chase.

Oh, yeah, and what are
we chasing this morning?

Chicks, babes,
skirts...

Go to school,
jonathan.

Dolls, tomatoes,
boy toys...

Tony:
go to school jonathan.

Blondes, brunettes,
redheads...

Go to school.

Boy toys! Tony,
what are you teaching him?

I hate to tell you this,
but he's self-educated.

I have a feeling he's getting
some good coaching.

You're right.
Tony's the best.

You should have
seen him last night.

Your seats weren't
cold before--

Before we got our table
for dinner.

Aha, let me guess.

Some pretty girl came by
couldn't resist your charms.

Angela,
why should I flirt

With a pretty girl
at a restaurant,

When I can flirt
with a beautiful woman

Right here at home?

Boy.

I should have
brought my shovel.

That's it.
That's it.

I'm calling off
that date.

What are you
gonna tell her?

I'm gonna tell her
the truth, what else?

I just hope I can--
I can do it

Without hurting
her feelings.

Uh, hello. Joan?

This is tony. You know,
you met me at the--

Right, right. The guy
with the boyish grin.

Listen.
About friday night,

I'm real sorry,

But I'm not
gonna be able to make it.

Well, the truth
of the matter is, i, um...

I--i have to go...

I have to
go to paris.

Yeah. Uh...

Well, business,
you know.

c'est la vie.

I-i-i'm in the...

The coffee machine
business, yes.

Maybe you've
heard of us.

monsieur coffee.

Well, than--yeah.
All right.

Well, anyway, look,
I'm really, really,

Sorry about this, okay?

Okay, bye-bye.

Whew.
Whoa.

I didn't know
you were going to paris.

Hi.

Hi.

I hear this
dr. Powell's tough.

Yeah, that's what
I hear, too.

Boy, I feel
naked today.

Excuse me?

Well, I used to have
hair down in my waist.

But I got it cut yesterday.

I don't know,

Do you think
it looks weird?

Uh, no, I think you look
like a million, uh...

I look like
a million what?

Um, other women.

You look like
a million other women.

You were about
to compliment me.

Why did you stop
yourself?

Well, I'm, uh,
I'm trying to cut down.

bonjour.

You're dr. Powell?

oui.

Could I interest you
in a cappuccino machine?

Joan, please,
let me explain, joan.

Oh, I guess I should call you
dr. Powell.

I mean, after all, we are in
your classroom, dr. Powell.

I mean, but it's crazy.
I mean, last night

You were joan in a singles' bar.
You know what I mean.

I mean, it's not crazy.
I mean,

You can go
to a singles' bar.

I'm sure a lot of my old
teachers go to singles' bar.

Well,
maybe not the nuns.

But today, who knows?
You know what I mean?

C-c-could you
help me here?

Okay. How about,
you obviously

Didn't want
to go out with me

And made up a lame excuse
to back out?

No, no, no, no.
It was more like, um...

Did you think if you tell me
truth I couldn't handle it?

Oh, absolutely not.
I--i...

I guess there's no graceful
way out of this, huh.

No.

But I will let you
off the hook.

Let's just forget
the whole thing happened.

You know, I have
a class to teach.

So, let's get
to work.

Okay. Yeah, work.
Work. That's it.

Throw yourself
into your work, you know.

No. I didn't mean--

I didn't mean that
you had to throw yourself

Into your work
to forget...

I'm just going to--
I'm going to sit down.

[Bell rings]

Good morning. Welcome to
ancient civilizations 201.

I'm dr. Powell.

You may want to start
taking notes.

There will be a major paper
due in two weeks.

To begin,
I would like to discuss

A mythological battle,

But one that is based on
a real trade conflict.

I'm speaking about
the trojan w*r,

A w*r won by deception.

A rarity in history

Because more often than not,

Deceit has led to disaster.
Isn't that right, tony?

Who is this vision
of loveliness

I see before me?

All right. What do you want?

Want?

All I want is to bask
in the glow

Of your rare combination
of beauty and brains.

Jonathan, don't talk like that.
You're giving me the willies.

Sam, you got to help me.

I want to ask
julia walsh out.

On a date and I need
a good opening line.

Um, well, why don't you
say I'll pay you.

How much?

Stop. I never
want to forget

This perfect
vision of beauty.

Damien lives.

Oh, look.
A postcard from pee wee.

Dear g*ng,

Muriel and I have been
in beautiful hawaii

For two weeks now.

And muriel insisted
on a room without a tv.

I gave her the wildest,
most thrilling,

Most fulfilling night
since our honeymoon.

And the second night,

She demanded a tv.

Women, women, women.

I've had it with them.

Angela, after only
five years,

You have turned him
against an entire sex.

Tony, I beg you,

Don't judge us all
by our weakest link.

Oh, mona.

What is going on?

A "c." I got a "c."

This paper got a "c."
And it deserves an "a."

And it's all because
of that dr. Powell

She's got it in for me.

Why does she have
in it for you ?

Oh, I'll tell you why.

I'll tell you the truth.
It's really no big thing.

Sure seemed like a big thing
when you walk in.

Oh yeah, but now that
I got it off my chest,

Oh, I feel
so much better.

What is going on?

Ah, well...

You're going to find
this amusing, angela.

You know, but friday night
at stromboli's,

I made a date
with joan--

I mean dr. Powell.

My, weren't we the busy
little fisherman?

I broke the date
the next day.

I mean, I didn't want to go out
with her in the first place.

Really? Really?
Why is that?

Well, that's not
the point, angela.

The point is, is that she
couldn't handle the rejection.

She channeled
her disappointment

Into a vicious act
of revenge.

My, my.

Yes. And you know, I thought
everything was fine

Until I saw
that paper.

But then I realized
she still wants me.

Tony, is it
at all possible

That your male ego
has run amuck?

Angela, I know how this
sounds,

But believe me,
I have no ego.

Oh, you know something else?
I was just thinking.

I just remembered
something.

Last week, I bent down
to pick up a book.

And I'll be darned if she didn't
sneak look at my derriere.

How can you be sure?

Oh. Men know these things,
angela.

Tony, is it possible that your
paper just wasn't up to snuff.

My paper
is beyond snuff.

Are you kidding me? Every fact
and every figure is correct.

Yeah, they come right out
of her own lectures.

Well, then maybe
she made a mistake.

Will you give the woman
the benefit of the doubt?

Just tell her that you want
to talk to her tomorrow.

I am not waiting
until tomorrow.

Excuse me.

I'll call her
right now.

How come you know
her phone number?

Photographic memory.

Hello. Dr. Powell's
office, please.

Thank you.

Hello, dr. Powell?

This is tony micelli.

I would really like
to discuss my paper with you.

No. If you don't mind.

I'd like to do it
as soon as possible.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I see. Okay.

Fine.

She said if I want
to talk to her,

I should meet her
at stromboli's.

She's a sly one,
angela.

Well, that's weird.

Maybe she does
want you.

That's not so weird.

Come on. We got to get
down there.

We?
Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to prove to you that
my ego has never run amuck.

Do you see her?

I don't know
what she looks like.

Look for a bitter woman.

Oh, oh, there she is,
there she is.

Look. Having a great time.

Probably
toasting my "c."

Tony, why don't you just
go over and talk to her.

I'll stay right here
and have an iced tea.

No. No way, angela.
You have to stay within earshot.

You're my witness.
At some later date,

I may have to prove
this is some review committee.

Now, go sit by the bar.

Hello, dr. Powell.

Tony, hi.
We're not in school.

You may call me joan.
Joan.

Oh, so you want me
to call you joan!

Do you remember susan?

Hi.
Is pee wee here?

No.
Have a seat.

Um, can we talk?
Sure.

Um, susan, would you mind
leaving us alone?

Alone. Oh, so,
you want us to be alone!

Tony, are you okay?

I'll just let
you two talk.

Look, dr. Powell--
joan, about my paper.

How could
you give it a "c?"

That was one good
paper.

You're right.
It was a good paper.

Oh, so you admit it
was a good paper!

Capricorn? You?
Oh, gosh.

Excuse me.

Yes. In fact, your paper
was one of the very best

Papers in the class.

Oh, very interesting,
very interesting.

It was one of the best
papers in the class!

And yet,
I only got a "c."

That's right. You got the
highest grade in the class.

Aha! So I got
the highest grade...

I got the highest
grade in the class?

Tony, I'm tougher
than most teachers.

Sure. You got all
the facts straight,

But I know that you're
capable of more than

Just regurgitating what
I give you in the lectures.

In the future, I expect
more independent thought

And conceptualization.

Did you think there was
something else behind the grade?

Oh, no. No.
Of course not.

What makes you
say that?

Well,
you seem so agitated.

Me? No, not me.

Well, I've been having
some medical problems.

[Coughing]

But I'm feeling a lot
better now.

I'll see you tomorrow--

Wait a minute. You thought
I gave you the "c"

Because you stood me up,
didn't you?

Oh, no...i--

Tony, do you think that because
you broke our date,

I have a vendetta
against you,

That you are
so irresistible to women

You throw us all into
a tailspin if we can't have you?

Well, i...

You must think that every woman
in this bar wants you.

Excuse me,
do you want him?

Well, i, uh...

Contrary to your paranoia,
tony.

I will not hold this
against you.

And I will see you
in class tomorrow,

Provided you and your male ego
can fit through the door.

I think
she still wants me.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

Well, it wasn't that bad.

Yes, it was.
I got full of myself.

You must think
I'm a class-a jerk.

I'll give you a "c."

Come on, angela.
Let's go home.

I just want to
go home and die.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.
I got a better idea.

Why don't we just
take in a movie?

You know,
the revival theater showing

treasure of sierra madre.

Really? Gee, you know,

I always wanted to see
that on a big screen.

Well, want to make it a date?

With you?
How can I resist?

Well, I bet you say
that to all the girls.

Not anymore.

Come on. Let's get
out of here, huh?

Tony: who's the boss
will be back in a moment.
Stick around.

the treasure
of sierra madre.

Humphrey bogart,
walter huston,

John huston,
tim holt...

You know, hollywood couldn't
make another film

Like that again
if they tried.

Of course not.
All those people are dead.

Hi.

Sweetheart, what are you
still doing up?

Practicing. Pee wee showed me
a great way to pick up women.

Oh, no, not more lines.

Even cooler. Watch.

[Theme music playing]