05x07 - Life with Father

[bunniefuu]

[Theme music playing]

♪ there's a time for
love and a time for livin' ♪

♪ so take a chance
and face the wind ♪

♪ an open road and
a road that's hidden ♪

♪ a brand-new life
around the bend ♪

♪ there were times
I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ found the trail ♪

♪ and at the end
was you ♪

♪ there's a path you take
and a path not taken ♪

♪ the choice is
up to you, my friend ♪

♪ nights are long,
but you might awaken ♪

♪ to a brand-new life ♪

♪ brand-new life ♪

♪ a brand-new life
around the bend ♪

Dad, jesse will be here
in five minutes.

I got to go upstairs,
and wash my face

And brush my hair
and put on a new sweater

So when the doorbell rings,
please answer it.

Thank you so much, bye.

From now on, we buy
only caffeine-free cola.

Ohh. The boyfriend
returns from the sea.

How adventurous.
How romantic.

How smelly.
He was out
on the atlantic

Sucking up
oil slicks.

So what do you think?

Oh. She walks in beauty
like the night.

Nice gams, too.

Mom, you look terrific, max
is going to love that outfit.

I don't know.
Something's not right.

And I love that scarf.

Oh. That was it.

I'm so looking forward
to this evening.

This is the first anniversary
of our fourth kiss.

What's so special
about that?

It lasted two days.

[Doorbell rings]

Do me a favor, keep an eye
on my buns, will you?

Okay.
Mother.

Ahoy, matey.
Welcome ashore.

Boy, is sam gonna be happy
to see you landlocked.

Nice to see you again, ton--

I mean mr. Micelli.

Mr. Micelli?
What, are you kidding me?

Jesse, it's me. It's tony.

Well, I'd be more comfortable
with mr. Micelli.

What are you
talking about?

Well, I can't explain it
to you right now.

Oh, come on, jesse.

Hey, hey, oh,
we're buddies, right?

We're pals.
Pal o' mine.

If there's something
eating you,

I want to know about it.

Well, um...i'm
breaking up with sam.

Say what?
Ow! Tony.

That's mr. Micelli
to you.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
for this to happen.

But why, jesse? Why?

Well, I just feel

That our relationship
has ended.

Well, is it me?

'Cause... 'Cause I could change.
I really can.

I found someone else.

I have to sit down.

She was on the same
boat with me

And we found we share
the same dreams.

The same goals.
The same favored commitment

To world peace
and international harmony.

Who cares?

What about
my samantha's feelings?

Aah!

Oh, I've missed you.

Um, I've
missed you, too.

Hi.

Dad, I think we could do
this without you.

Oh yeah, sure, sam.
Sure. Excuse me.

But, sam,
if you need me,

I'll be
right in there.

Okay, dad.
Okay sweetheart. You know,

Right behind this door.

Close by as I always am,
you know.

Dad, we're not
gonna do anything.

I know.

My baby's
getting dumped.

Oh, it is so good
to see you.

I want to hear everything
that happened on the ship.

Uh, no you don't.

Oh, I've got tons
of plans for us.

First, we'll go over
to bonnies--

Wait, before you make
any more plans,

I have to talk to you.

Talk? Happy talk
or uh-oh talk?

Well, sam, um...

Uh-oh.

Oh, poor sam,
she's been looking forward

To jesse's homecoming
for weeks.

I knew she was too young
to get involved.

I should've never let her date
until she got married.

I think you can only do that
in utah.

This is tragic.
And let me tell you something.

The first break-up is a k*ller.

Actually, it's the third.

You see, the first one,
it hurts,

But, you know,
just one of those things.

The second, you figure
it's bad luck.

The third, you start
to think it's you.

It was you.

Oh, don't worry about sam,

She'll get over it,
it'll just take a little time.

Yeah. You think so, mona?

Sure. No time at all,

She'll be back in the saddle
and riding the range.

Whoa, trigger.

I don't want her trails
to be that happy.

[Knocks on door]

Hi, sam. I made
some manicotti.
You want some?

No, thanks.

You feel
like talking?

No, I'm pretty busy.

I got a week's worth of clothes
to be put away.

Two, but who's counting?

Here. Let me help.

You know, sam, I know
about you and jesse.

Well, these things happen.

Well, how are you doing?

Great. Relieved.

You know, I was going to give
him his walking papers.

He just beat me to it.

Well, I can understand that.
I mean, hey,

You want more time to spend
with your friends,

More time
to spend with me.

Well, more time
with your friends, anyway.

Yeah. I'm really
excited.

Now if you don't mind,
dad,

I'd rather just do this
by myself.

Oh, sure, sure, sam.
Of course.

But sam, before I leave,
let me just say one thing.

You know...

Every dark cloud
has a silver lining.

I mean, what I'm trying
to say is,

It's always darkest
just before the dawn.

What I mean is, the sun...
The sun will come out tomorrow.

I'm using a lot
of cliches, aren't i?

Bet your bottom dollar.

Bet your bottom...
That's cute. Cute.

That's cute.

You know, sam, just
one more thing though,

You know, for every door
that closes,

Another opens.

Dad, close it.

Tony, you have
to have something.

If sam's not eating,
I'm not eating.

You know,
if I got dumped by a girl,

I wouldn't be that upset,
but then, I've got cable.

Honey, honey,
tv can't replace people.

It can when you have


Hey, sam--

Angela, look.
It's samantha.

Hi, samantha.

You feeling
better, honey?

Dad, I told you I'm fine.
I'm just very hungry.

You hear that, angela?
Samantha's hungry.

Yes, oh my.
The road to recovery.

I remember I used to eat
tons of food every time I got--

Hungry.

Hey, mone-ster,
what do you say?

I say men are scum!

Filthy testosterone-filled
slime ba*ls!

It never
bothered you before.

Angela: mother,
did you and max

Have one of your little tiffs?

My tiffs are not little.

I mean there we were

Finishing this incredibly
romantic dinner,

Slowly licking
the creme brulee

Off of
each other's fingers.

And you know what max
wanted to do next?

What?

He wanted to go home
and watch carson.

He wanted to go home
and watch carson.

All I wanted to do
was to go to africa

For an after-dinner drink.

What's a matter? You couldn't
get a nightcap in jersey?

Dad,
it's a hot new club.

Oh, that africa.

I was right in the middle
of telling him

He was a gum-flapping
old coot

When he stood up,

Gave me the key
back to my apartment,

And walked off.

Oh, the nerve.

Oh, mona.
You got dumped.

Dumped? No.
I got left.

There's a world
of difference

Between getting
left and--

Damn. I got dumped.

Mother, I'm so sorry.

I know how much max
means to you.

Is there anything
I can do?

You already have, dear.

I paid for dinner
with your charge card.

My pleasure.

Sam: I know
how you feel, mona.

Jesse was no better.

His way
was the only way.

Don't you just take the way
men take you for granted.

Sam: yeah.

Never asking
what you want to do.

Yeah!

Always thinking
that they're right.

Yeah! Never admitting
that they're wrong.

Yeah!
Yeah, and when they are,

It's always our fault.

Tell it, sister!

And when they're lost,

They don't even stop
to ask for directions.

Amen and hallelujah!

Men! Who
needs them?

Free at last!
Free at last.

Great god almighty,
free at last!

I always stop
and ask for directions.

[Jazz music playing]

Remember this one, jesse?

The radio played it
on our first date.

[Scratching]

How about this one?

We slow danced to this the night
you asked me to go steady.

[Scratching]

Samantha,
are you okay?

Fine. I'm just going
through my records.

Oh. Right.

[Scratching]

Woman [over tv]:
oh, steven, I love you.

Man [over tv]:
and dear michelle, I love you.

and I'll never
leave you. Never.

Michelle, I'm gonna puke.

Mona, if you're just
going to sit here

And yell at the tv screen,
why are you watching this?

Oh, it's got
a great ending.

Steven's car
drives off the cliffs

And bursts into flames.

Right. Right.

Man [over tv]:
and I have to tell you

i've been seeing
your sister on the sly.

Woman [over tv]:
that's okay.

i'd rather share you
than lose you.

Aah!

Well, we got one woman
screaming at the tv

And we got another one
scratching records.

We're not in a happy mode
here, angela.

Tony, getting dumped
is serious business.

You gotta give mother and sam
time to sort things out.

You have to give them
their space.

Yeah, how about to the moon?
Is that space enough?

Tony, don't go out there.

It's not safe
for men in this house.

What happened,
partner?

Well, I passed through,
and said what's up,

And grandma said
the toilet seat,

And it was all my fault.

No, it's not
your fault.

Grandma's just going
through this phase

Where she has
these feelings about men.

What feelings?

Well, uh...hatred.

There's a lot of that
going around.

That's it, that's it.

I've been very patient
with these two wackos,

But now,
somebody's got to go in there

And talk some sense into them.

Honey, wait a minute.
We've got to do this logically.

These women
were hurt by men.

You are a man.

Ergo, a woman
should talk to them.

I am not a man.

I am a father.

I am gender neutral.

Right. Right, ergo,
I'll be at the library.

Good luck, woman.

Sam, could you
come down here, please?

Ugh! They're kissing.

Yecchh! Ugh! Ptooey!

[Spits]

Why did you do that?

I was
enjoying myself.

What is it, angela?

I'd like to have
a word with you.

Oh, brother.
Here it comes.

I think it's time we had
a heart-to-heart

To heart.

I know what
you've been through.

You've risked,

You've loved,

You've lost.

But do you really
think it's going to help

To sit around the house
consumed with hate?

Yes.

There is an important
resource in this house,

A resource that can provide
warmth and sustenance.

And do you know
what that resource is?

Natural gas?

Sisterhood.
[Scoffs]

Don't...
Don't sell it short.

Thanks for trying
to help, angela

But mona and I
are doing just fine.

She's right, dear.

If we want advice
about relationships,

We'll go
to an expert

Like a gabor sister.

A gabor sister, huh?

Okay. Okay.

Let's go with that.
Let's go with that. All right.

With or without a man,

The gabor sisters
have always maintained

Their joie de vivre. hmm?

You wouldn't catch them
moping around the penthouse.

Uh-uh.

Zsa zsa popped up
on the merv griffin show.

Eva went out
and did green acres.

The point is they
remained active and vital.

We could all learn
from a gabor.

I'll leave you
with that.

She's your daughter,
I just live here.

You know the crazy thing?
She's right.

She is?

No record scratching?

No screaming at the tv?

Something's different.

And they're both
going out to dinner.

Amen and hallelujah!

And all it took was
a little sensitivity,

A little understanding,
a little nurturing.

Just some of those
woman things.

Well, angela, I want to thank
you and your woman things.

The paparazzi are gonna
pop their peepers.

Oh, I can't wait.

Angela: oh, tres
elegant, tres chic,

tres va-va-va-voom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, hold up
with the va-va-va-voom.

Where are you going?
Where are you off to?

Africa. Mona's taking me
for a hot night on the town.

How hot?

Dad, don't worry about it.

I'm with
a responsible adult.

Hi-h*, silver.

Oh! Your daughter and my mother
going out together.

Isn't that
a pretty picture?

Yeah, well, it all depends
on how you look at it.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, given
sam's vulnerable state,

I'm not sure she should
be going out at all.

Don't worry,
she's with mother.

Well, that's
another thing.

What other thing
is that?

Well, you know mona.

No. Suppose you tell me.

Maybe we should drop
this subject.

I want to know.

You know--

What kind of crack
is that?

My mother happens to be
a wonderful woman

Whom everybody loves.

Uh-huh, huh-huh.

Huh-h*, huh-huh.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

What did I say?

You know.

Thank you.

You are so bad.

I know.

Do you really think
he believed you were zsa zsa?

Well, it got us
this table, didn't it?

Excuse me, sir.

We'd like
some water, please.

Would that be italian,
canadian swiss alp,

French alp, adirondack,

Or our amusing little
domestic blend?

We'll have two swiss alp
with a twist,

Non-carbonated,
and light on the cubes.

Whoa, mona.

You really
know your water.

Excuse me, ladies.

Are you alone?

Alone?

How can we
be alone

When there
are two of us?

Or perhaps you think
because we're without a man,

That we are incomplete.

Well, sir, you
are looking at two

Very complete
human beings,

Who do not need
a male companion.

I just wanted
to borrow the chair.

He wanted us.

Definitely.

Guess who's back.

Is it the woman of my dreams?

It better be
or you're in big trouble.

Did I ever tell you
that I'd die without you?

Why wait?

Come on, mona.
Let's just ignore them.

Cheryl.

Yes, austin?

Will you make me
the happiest man alive

And become my bride?

Yes, yes, yes!

Yes?

What are you, deaf?
She said yes.

Hey! Hey, everybody.

She said yes.

We're--we're
getting married!

♪ more than
the greatest love ♪

♪ the world
has known ♪

♪ this is the love
I give to you alone ♪

♪ more than
the simple words ♪

♪ i try to say ♪

♪ i only live to love you
more each day ♪

♪ i know
I never lived before ♪

♪ and my heart
is very sure ♪

♪ no one else
could love you ♪

♪ more ♪

So, do you
want sardines

For an appetizer?

I bet she'll
make a pretty bride.

Well, so, it was
kind of romantic.

I mean, if you like
that sort of drivel.

Yeah. Who needs it?

Right.

Right.

You miss jesse?

Are you kidding?
No way.

I miss max.

Really?

Really.

I miss the way
he used to hold me.

And I miss the way
he used to say, "oh, mona."

When I embarassed him
which happened quite a lot.

And I miss the way
he used to nozzle my ear

Which also happens
quite a lot.

You want to hear
something?

I do miss jesse.

I can't believe
I just said that.

I'm having
such a good time.

It's just I keep on
thinking about him.

It doesn't make
any sense, does it?

It doesn't have to.

But it still hurts.

It kills.

Well...

We risked...

We loved...

We lost.

And sooner or later,

We'll do it
all over again.

Perhaps sooner than later.

Let's eat.

It's 11:02.

And they're not back yet.

Well, they must be somehwere
between the male strip joint

And the tattoo parlor.

♪ i know I never
lived before ♪

♪ and my heart
is very sure ♪

♪ no one else
could love you more ♪

You're drunk.

Nope. It's
the water talking.

Yeah, well, what did they put
in that water?

Nothing dad.
We had dinner. We laughed.

We got invited
to a wedding.

Life is good.

Yeah?
Well, how good?

What kind of good?

Clean good.



Pg-rated good.

And this r-rated lady
is exhausted.

Bye, chum.

Mona.

Thanks.

I could have never
gotten through this

Without her.

That lady
is the greatest.

Good night, dad.

And let me tell you
another thing

About my mother--

She's the greatest.

Tony: who's the boss?
will be back in a moment.

stick around.

Oh, this is so sad.

No matter how many times
I see this,

It still gets to me.

I just don't think I can
take this much longer.

Pass the hankies.

What movie
are you guys watching?

It's not a movie.

It's the telephone
commercial.

[Theme music playing]