04x24 - The Two Tonys

[bunniefuu]

["BRAND NEW LIFE" THEME PLAYING]

♪ There's a time for love
And a time for livin' ♪

♪ Take a chance
And face the wind ♪

♪ An open road and
A road that's hidden ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

♪ There were times ♪

♪ I lost a dream or two ♪

♪ Found the trail ♪

♪ And at the end was you ♪

♪ There's a path you take
And a path not taken ♪

♪ The choice is
Up to you, my friend ♪

♪ Nights are long
But you might awaken ♪

♪ To a brand-new life ♪

♪ Brand-new life ♪

♪ A brand-new life
Around the bend ♪

[MONA ENTERS]

Oh, Mother, how sweet.

You went to
the Wilsons' garden

and ripped off your
first flower of the season.
[MONA CHUCKLES]

The rite of spring.

When the first hard-hats
come out and say,

"Hey, baby, you want
some of this?"

Don't you think
that's a bit crude?

That's the point,
Angela.

JONATHAN: Mom! Mom!
We beat Tony.

SAMANTHA: Beat him?
We crushed him.

TONY:
Oh, come on, Come on.
You just got lucky.

The next time I'm playing
with both hands.

Dad, remember you always told me

that winning isn't everything?

Boy, were you wrong.

[TONY MIMICS]

Angela, between you and me,
I let them win.

You know, it helps build up
their confidence.

I don't believe you.

Face it. You are so competitive.
You hate to lose.

Well I--,I haven't had that
much practice.

Hey, but I'll tell you
what I'm going to do now,

I'm going to make
you a great lunch.

I'm going to make you
the best lunch,
a winning lunch.

Tony, I'll tell you what.
It's a beautiful spring day.

Let's go
to the Fairfield Inn

and we'll have
a nice refreshing salad.

You know, Angela,
if we're going
to do spring,

let's do spring,
huh?

I'm talking
a big, thick,
roast beef sandwich

huh? dripping with mustard.

And a-- and a side of beans
with them

with them little pork cubes
floating around in there. Yeah.

Now, that's refreshing.

Where do I sign up?

Marty's Melody Room.

You mean that dive
in Brooklyn?

Oh, hey, that's no dive.
It's a joint.

[TONY CHUCKLES]

Oh, come in,
come in.

Huh? Huh?

Now see, Angela.
It's spring, all right.

The smell of pool chalk
is in the air.

Hey, get a load
of this place, huh.
Hasn't changed a bit.

Come on, I'll introduce you
to Marty.

Hey, paisan.

Yo.

Wait a minute.
You ain't Marty.

No, I'm the new owner, Kim Lee.

But you call me Marty.
I'm not changing the sign.

Oh. Okay, Marty.
You... Hey, you still got
them roast beef sandwiches?

Sure. It comes
with fried rice and an egg roll.

[TONY CHUCKLES]
Kim, make it two.

And throw in a couple
of brewskies, barkeep.

Ooh, Angela.

Talk that
inner-city talk, huh?

You're bad, bro.

[TONY SCOFFS]

Hey. Thanks, Marty.

[TONY LAUGHING]

Oh. Hey, Angela,
check this out.

The old pool table. Huh.
Come here.

I'll show you
some very cool pool moves, huh?

Stand back and...
and watch
the master at work.

Hey look. Watch this shot.

Oh!
Oh!

Look! You hit them.
Look at them all go.

And you got one in!

Well, uh...
I usually get
two or three.

Hey. You want to try?

Well, what do I do?
Ah come on,

I'll set something up
for you here.

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Okay. Here you go.
Come here.

All right, put your hand
like this.

All right,
just one hand there, like this.
Other hand here.

Make a little circle
with your fingers.

Oh. There you go.
Tricky.

I say, come this way
a little.

Oh. Just aiming you.

Okay, and, uh,

hey, don't be-- don't be
disappointed if-- if you
don't get any in.

This takes
years of practice.

Oh! You see?

I got one in!

That's a nice shot. Nice shot.
Give me that.

Hey. Um... I'll just
use this 13 ball.

Okay, now, watch this
with me. Okay?

Kim Lee?
two roast beefers to go.

Make them thick
and dripping with mustard.

What's the matter?

That voice...

I'd know it anywhere.

Darlene?

Tony?
Tony Micelli?

Gee, I can't believe it!
Me, either!

What are you
doing here?
Well I--

No don't tell me.

First warm day
of the year. Right?

You got it.
You got it.

Gee. At last,
one of the guys.

Yeah.

Oh, I want to introduce you
to somebody.

Angela Bower, this is
Darlene Delvecchio.

Oh, it's always nice to meet
one of Tony's guys.

Pleased to meet you too,
and it's Petardi now.

Ooh!

He's a very successful
entrepreneur.

And the sweetest
disposition.

This neighborhood
stinks!

There's no place
to park a caddy!

Sweetie-kins, come here.

I want you to meet
a friend of mine.

Tony Micelli,
Angela Bower,

this is my husband
Tony Petardi.

So this is the famous
Tony Micelli.

Well, you
married a Tony.

It's nice
to meet you.

Yeah. How are
you doing?

I do fine, thank you.

Actually, I do
unbelievably well.

Well, I'm
unbelievably glad.

So, uh...
do you folks
live around here?

Nah...

but Tony's
first mattress store
is around the corner.

This is where
the dream began.

Now I got three outlets
in the Triborough area.

I'm the manufacturer,
the wholesaler, the retailer--

I do it all.

Don't I, dear?

Yes, my little
mattress munchkin.

Ooh!

There's a hair
in my beer.

Wow. Just like
the old days.

Yeah.

That happens to me
all the time.

Tony sheds
worse than a dog.

In high school,
he was voted most
likely to recede.

Well you know,
a lot of men lose hair.
It's perfectly natural.

Except for you, Tony.

You seem to have
more hair now than
you did in high school.

Huh. Oh, it's a-- It's a curse.

[LAUGHS]

It takes forever to dry.

Um...
the ladies' room.

I'd like to freshen up.
Oh, its right back there.

Hey, its the one
with the one with the mop
bucket in.

Quaint.

I better go with you.

Someone's got to hold
the door closed.

So, uh, were you and Tony
an item?

Well, I could tell you
where his other tattoo is.

Let's talk.

So, Tony... how do you
make a buck?

Oh, well, Tone, uh...

I'm-- I'm Angela's
housekeeper.

Housekeeper?

That's an interesting
line of work.

How much you pull down?

Ah well, I do-- I don't like
to talk about money.

[TONE CHUCKLES]

I love to talk
about money.

That's how I got
a big house
with a-- with a big yard.

Also got a big car...
big dog...

big parakeet.

Big newspapers, huh?

Hey Kim Lee.
How are them
sandwiches coming?

Hey. Let me
handle this, Tony.

Hey, Kim Lee,
my main man.
Let's hustle it up.

You got a VIP
over here.

"Very Important Petardi."

Coming right up, sir.

What a jerk.

I know how
to handle people.

I tell you
I got a big staff?

Big office...
big typewriter.

Angela...

Hey, uh...

how about you and me
playing a friendly
little game of pool?

I can really run a table.

Yeah, yea, I know
Big stick...big score...

big deal.

Come on.

Darlene told me
you were good pool player.

when you were younger.

Well, look,
maybe some other time
all right, so?

You should be glad
Tony doesn't wanna play.

He'll k*ll you.

And thank you for your
continued support.

There sandwiches.
Two sandwiches to stay
and two to travel.

Well, it was great
seeing you again, Tony.

Yeah. You too,
Darlene.

All right, already.
Let's go.

See you tomorrow
at the barbecue.

I'm looking
forward to it.

Barbecue? What Barbecue?
Hey. We don't got
to go to this thing, do we?

No. We're giving it.

What a feeb.
Who invited him anyway?

Good question.

That guy is a total dufus.

What is he doing
in our backyard?

Another good question.

Okay, okay,
so I invited them.

I just thought you might like

to have some people over
from Brooklyn.

People, yes.
Petardi, no.

All right, well,
they're here.

So why don't we just be good
hosts and put on our happy faces

and go on out there?

You know, Angela,
this barbecue reminds me

of your 10th birthday party.

I think I'll do now
what I did then.

Goodbye.

TONY:
Hey, Micelli,

how about a game
of badminton?

No, thanks.

TONY:
What's the matter?

Scared of the little birdie?

Boy, I tell you,
that's it.

I am going out there

and I'm mopping up
the lawn with that guy.

You're not--
Do not go out there
and make a scene.

Just remember, remember
you are a bigger person
than he is.

Angela, whatever you do,
don't mention big.

Okay. I won't.

I promise.

All right, what do you say
we go out there

and throw another shrimp
on the barbie?

Okay. You grab his feet.

I can't believe you, Micelli.
You invite me over,

you don't want
to play any games.

I don't know why do you keep
talking about this guy, Darlene?

Take away the hair, the muscles,
the pretty face,
what do you got?

[IMITATES CHICKEN CLUCKING]

Okay, that's it.
Name your game,

your time,
and your place.

Oh now, this is childish.
Remember, this is a barbecue,

not a track
and field event.

She's right,
shortcake.

Remember
your ulcer.

And you don't want
your tendinitis
to flare up.

Why don't you give them
my whole medical history?

I didn't mention
your hiatal hernia.

All right Micelli.
What's it going to be?

Hey, you name it.

I can beat you at anything.

Pool.

Tomorrow.

Marty's.

You're on.

And you're
dead meat.

You're deader meat.

I-- I love barbecues.

This is a lovely place
you have here, Angie.

Why, thank you.

So, uh...

tell me...

just how old
are your mattresses?

What?

Oh, I don't know.

Uh... nine,
Whew.

Maybe they need
replacing.

Mmm.

You don't want
to commit mattress-cide.

[BOTH LAUGH]

And me, as the king
of mattresses...

I could easily
make you my queen.

Oh!
Hyah!

Oh, it worked!

My instructor
was right!

Are you okay?

Fine. No problem.

Can I get you
anything?

No! Stay away from me.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

You're not to blame.

I'm the one
who should be sorry.

I'm just under a lot
of pressure lately.

Oh, what uh...
what's wrong?

For years,
I've been chasing the myth

the myth of Tony Micelli.

You have no idea what it's like

living in the shadow
of another person.

Oh, I do.

My roommate
at college was
head cheerleader,

homecoming queen,

had a boyfriend
named Dirk

and she was
Phi Beta Kappa--

Hey, I'm the one
who's opening up here, okay?

Sorry.

Sometimes I...

Sometimes I think
Darlene married me

just so when we make love
and she calls out "Tony",

she won't be calling out
the wrong name.

And I just want you to know how

how truly sweet
my Tony usually is.

Maybe he's surprised
his colon
was kicking up.

To tell you the truth,
I-- I think it would help

if you didn't put
him down so much.

Put him down?

Well, I love
my little butterball.

Well you see, there you go.
there you go.

I mean you don't call
a grown man a butterball.

It's a term
of endearment.

Well, to a turkey, maybe.

Wow. You really
understand human nature.

You should have been
a bartender.

What can I say?
The road not taken, you know.

I'm really worried
about him though, Tony.

I mean, what if he plays
tomorrow and then he loses?

Wouldn't that
damage his ego?

I think it could.

Sorry to butt in.
I have an idea.

Oh sure,
I know what your idea is.

You want me
to call off the game.

No. I want you to
throw the game.

Throw a game?

Don't you see?
If you let Tony win,

you'll give him back
his self-esteem.

You don't
throw a game.

You don't shave points
You don't go in the tank.

I mean, you gotta strive to
do your best every opportunity.

And that's the code I live by.

If you lose, you won't
ever have to see him again.

Okay.

Great miss.

Really bad.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Now don't forget
to act disappointed.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
How about this?

Oh! Darn! Oh, darn.

Darn, darn, darn.

Careful, careful not
to overdo it.

Oh, okay, well,
how about this?

Oh, I missed. Phooey.

Oh! Phooey is good.

Oh, yeah? All right,
I'm going to do phooey.
All right.

Micelli.

Petardi.

Ready?

Ready.

Nice suit.

I know.

Straight pool,


We flip for the break.

Call it in the air.

Heads.

Tails. You lose.

[GIGGLES]

Get used to it.

That'll be the day.

Good start, Tony.

Would you leave me alone?

Cue.

Right away, dear.

Cue.

Get it yourself.

Would you help me out?

Watch closely, Micelli.

Maybe you'll
learn something.

[PETARDI LAUGHS]

Aah!

Damn!

Hey, Kim Lee,
is this regulation felt?

Yes, Mr. Petardi.

What a jerk.

Well, you didn't
leave me much.

Ah. Let's see. I'll...
I'll sh**t the 14 in the corner.

Oh.

[SCOFFS]

Ooh, I missed. Phooey.

You muffed an easy one
that time, Micelli.

Five ball in the
corner pocket.

Yes!

Eat my chalk dust.

Yes!

Yet another yes!

Boy, I'm good!

Let's see.
I'm up by, uh...

Ah, who cares? All I know
is I got a big lead!

Angela, I could
take this guy.
I know I could.

I know that and
you know that.

And that should be enough.

It isn't.

TONY:
Yes!

[PETARDI LAUGHS]

So Micelli, you want to keep
playing or quit now

and save yourself
the humiliation?

No comment, huh?

Hey, baby, what do you
think of your king now?

What you are doing is for
the greater good.

Yeah. When this is over,
they gonna name a church
after me.

Seven ball. Corner.

Oops...
I mean, all right!

Nice shot, Micelli.
This next one's easy.

Who knows?
Maybe you can make
two in a row.

[PETARDI LAUGHS]

Why, you dirty...

Ooh!
Yes!

Well, I finally
missed one.

Will wonders
never cease?

Well, let me see...

eh... I need one ball
to win the match,

and you need 21.

Which means you have to
clean this table
and the next one.

Of course, all that cleaning
shouldn't be difficult
for a housekeeper.

[LAUGHS]

Eh, would you be
more comfortable

playing with a mop?

Just ignore him, Tony.

Yeah. Yeah.
Right. Right. Right.

[SNIFFS]

What's that cologne
you're wearing?

Is that Pine Sol
or lemon Pledge?

No, no.
That's Mr. Clean.

It's okay, Tony.
Yeah. It sure is.

So, how did you get to be
a housekeeper, anyway?

Couldn't you get a job
in the real world?

[SNICKERS]

Tony...

I'm okay, Angela.

...k*ll the butterball.

What?

Just do it.

Angela, that'll
wreck his ego.

He made a pass at me.

Three in the corner.

[GEORGE THOROGOOD'S
"BAD TO THE BONE" PLAYING]

♪ You know, on the day
I was born ♪

♪ The nurses
All gathered 'round ♪

♪ And they gazed
In wide wonder ♪

♪ At the joy
They had found ♪

♪ The head nurse
Looked up ♪

♪ Said, "Leave
This one alone" ♪

♪ She could tell
Right away ♪

♪ That I was
Bad to the bone ♪

♪ Bad to the bone ♪

♪ Bad to the bone ♪

♪ B-B-B-B-B-B-Bad ♪

Well, it all comes down
to the last ball.

Forget it. That's
an impossible shot.

[TONY LAUGHS]

That's the end, huh?

Oh!

Yes!

Watch and weep.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

My hero.

Let's go home
and pretend it's Tuesday.

Yes!

♪ Ba-bap-ba
Ba-bump ♪

♪ Ba-bap ba-bump ♪

What a jerk.

Tony, don't feel bad.

That was a tough shot.

Oh yea, tell me about it,
Angela.

I mean, hey,
anytime you got a...
an object ball

over here on the cushion

and you got to hit
the cue ball way down here
on this side of the table.

I mean your chances of making
this shot are

one in 1000,
maybe one in a million.

Well, what do you know?

My hero.

[ALL GRUNTING]

We're never
going to win.

You got that right.

[TONY LAUGHS]

Jonathan,
are you pulling?

My hands
are bleeding,
grandma.

Good.
Keep it up.

Oh come on.
Let's call it a tie.
I'm hungry.

Ooh. Speaking of food,
I'm a little hungry myself.

Why, certainly.

Come this way.

A little mustard, huh?

Ooh, huh, yum yum.

Mmm.
Hey anybody want any?

ALL:
Yeah!

["BRAND NEW LIFE" THEME PLAYING]