06x09 - Don't Skin That Bear

[bunniefuu]

[NEIGHING]

Hello, I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse is
the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always
on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed. ♪

Where are your manners?
Close the door.

Excuse me, but it's tough
for a horse to close a door.

Why?

Unless you scoot in real fast,
you get your tail caught.

[CHUCKLING]

I know something
you don't know.

What do you know, Ed?

Your father-in-law's
buying you a gift.

He is? How did
you find out?

He was talking to Carol
after breakfast

and I listened in
at the window.

You know,
getting the daily dirt.

Ed, I don't wanna
listen to it.

How many times have
I told you never to eavesdrop?

Oh, 300 or 400 times.

I see somebody has
to be taught a lesson.

Oh, come on, Wilbur,
that's enough.

My mouth has
writer's cramp.

Well, Ed, and what have we
learned about eavesdropping?

Never to tell you
anything I overhear.

Ed, you are missing
the whole point.

Look, sooner or later,

I'm gonna find out
what present Dad is giving me.

Is it, uh,
something expensive?

[CLEARS THROAT]

A fishing pole
or a tape recorder?

I'll tell you
on one condition.

What's that?

You write on the blackboard,
"I'm as snoopy as Ed."

You don't even
know what Dad is
getting me, do you?

He wouldn't
even tell Carol.

All I know is
you're getting
it after dinner.

Well, it's
not important.

Ah, you yell at me,
punish me,

and suddenly it's
not important.

Next time you want
to brainwash me,

all you'll get is my name,
rank, and serial number.

Well, thanks for another
wonderful dinner, Carol.

Oh, don't thank me, Dad.

Gosh, it's hard
to realize you've
been with us six weeks.



Just a wild guess.

I mean, who's counting?

Well, it isn't
like this is a hotel
where you're gonna be billed.

I mean, what's money?

I've been taking
care of your daughter
for five years,

never charged you
a penny storage, right?

Oh, boy.

Wilbur, will you give me
a hand with something?

Yes, yes, sure.

What I mean is she's
a great wife, Dad.

I'm sure glad you
had a daughter instead of a son,

otherwise we'd all be sitting
around here perfect strangers.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Oh, boy.

Don't deny it, Wilbur.
All through dinner

you've been
hinting at something.

What gift?

How did you find out?

[GASPS]
You were eavesdropping.

No, I wasn't.
No, you can check
the blackboard.

Uh, what I mean is, uh...

what's your father
going to get me?

Well, it's a gift
for both of us

and I don't know
what it is.

But I do know
you're not returning it.

- Who, me?
- Yes, you.

- [STAMMERING] You think...
- Mm-hmm.

What makes you
think that?

Because you're a compulsive
swapper and you know it.

Anything Dad has ever
gotten you, you have exchanged.

How come you're
still around?

Because there's nothing
you can swap for this.

Mm.

Where's the exchange
counter, lady?

DAD: Kids, come in here.
I want to show you something.

Now, honey, don't let him know
you're expecting anything.

Act surprised.

You, uh, you wanted us
for something, Dad?

Wilbur, Carol,

this is just a small
token of my appreciation

for having me as your
guest for six weeks.

And those 126 meals
that you didn't count.

Daddy, you didn't
have to do that.

Oh.

Help me open it, Wilbur.
I'm dying to see what it is.

Yeah, okay.
Ah, you're all fingers, eh?

Dad, I had the feeling
you didn't like us and then...

[EXCLAIMING]

Daddy, a bearskin rug!

You know I always
wanted one for in front
of the fireplace.

Ah, well, Carol liked it.
How about you, Wilbur?

[STAMMERING]
Oh, I think it's great.

Yes, I'll think of you
every time I look at it.

Uh, Carol, where do
you want to put it?

Well, honey, first we have
to get rid of this table,

then we put it right here
in front of the fireplace.

It'll just make
the living room!

Yeah!

Uh, Wilbur I'm glad
for once

I got you a gift
you're not going to exchange.

If he doesn't,
I will.

People should skin each other
and leave us animals alone.

Hello,
Police Department,

I'd like to report
a stolen fur coat.

Someone swiped
it off a bear.

I said "bear."

No, I'm not calling
from a bar.

Look, Sergeant,
somewhere in the forest

there's a bear running
around naked and I...

Ed, are you out
of your mind?

Carol's father gave us
a bearskin rug as a gift.

There's no law against that.

No?

I'd like to try this case
before a jury of 12 bears.

Ed, I think you're
being too sensitive.

Yeah? Well, how would you
like to see your grandmother

stretched out in
front of a fireplace?

Ed, listen...

Or people wiping their
feet on your grandfather?

Will you please listen?

All right,
all right.

Tell me why it's good
to swipe the fur off an animal.

Well, in the first place,

the bear was...

Let me put it this way...

You think I should
get rid of it?

The sooner the better.

This is America, Wilbur,

where every animal
is entitled to life, liberty,

and the right
to live in his own skin.

Ed, I am sorry.

I promised Dad I would
keep this gift.

Now, you're just
gonna have to get used to it.

Goodnight.

It's gotta go.

That bearskin is a symbol
of man's inhumanity,

but how do
I convince Wilbur?

Yeah...

Wilbur never could
resist a good swap.

- WOMAN: Operator.
- Hello, honey.

Get me the "Valley Chronicle."
Classified, please.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Coming.

Hi, Mr. Post.

Uh, hello.
What can I do for you?

Why, I read
your ad in the paper.

My... My ad?

[STAMMERING] What...
There must be some mistake.

I didn't put
any ad in the paper.

Oh, sure!
You want to swap a rug.

- [GRUNTS]
- Sorry.

No, I want to...
[GROANS]

Oh!
You dig the crazy bear!

[EXCLAIMS]

Look, I'm afraid
this is all a mistake.

Gee, I don't know
about Smokey here.

Uh, looks like he's
been kicking around
for an awful long time.

Oh, no, he hasn't.
He's brand new.

Feel his nose,
it's still cold.

Not quite as big
as I thought it'd be.

Well, as long as I've
got the surf board here...

I'll swap you even.

I'm afraid I couldn't.
You see, this is a gift.

Oh, thanks!

You mean you're
giving it to me?
Gee, thanks, Mister...

No, no, no, no!
This is a gift from my
father-in-law.

I couldn't part
with this.

[LAUGHING]

I get it.
You're playing it
pretty cool.

Listen, how about if
I throw something a little extra
into the deal?

Just a minute.

Hey, Tony!

[WHISTLES]

Well, Mr. Post,
what do you say?

Well, she's
very attractive,

but I don't think my wife
would let me keep her.

No, not her!
I meant the spear g*n.

Ever do any
spear fishing?

Well, yes, but I traded
my spear in for a can opener.

Tell you what
I'm gonna do,

I'll give you the surf
board and the spear g*n.

- Is it a deal?
- I just can't.

I'll throw
in the snorkel.

And the oxygen tank?

Wilbur is hooked.

That bear's not gonna
be stepped on in this house.

Tell you what,

let me and, uh, Tony
sort of kick it around
a little bit

and then I'll, uh...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Am I too late?
The bearskin rug's still here?

Uh, yes, but actually...

Ah!

Actually, I don't know
if I wanna part with this.

You see, it was a gift
from my father-in-law.

It's a mangy
looking animal,
but I'll take it.

You get six fish
worth 20 bucks apiece.

And I'll throw in
the bowl and the water.

Ah, they're cute
little fellas, huh?

What sort of
fish are these?

Piranha.
They eat people.

Hey, piranha!

From South America, huh?

That's right.
And you try and buy these fish.

It's impossible
to get 'em.

Oh, I know!
Say...

Would you take
a surf board and a snorkel
for your piranha?

Well, now, really...

Oh, wait a minute.
She spoke to me first.

Yup, and an
offer's an offer.

Besides,
these piranha are worth much

more than a surf
board and a snorkel.

Well, I'll throw
in the flippers then.

What do I want
with flippers?

Not for you, lady.
For him, for his bearskin rug.

What do you mean?
That's my bearskin rug!

Look, lady,
I was here first.

Look, I haven't decided
to get rid of it yet.

It is a gift from
my father-in-law.

One of the piranha's
is gonna have a baby.

You'll wind up
with seven.

Oh, which one?

Oh, I see her.
Cute. Cute.

I got a set of
bongos in the car.

I'll throw in a year's
supply of fish food
and my iron glove.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I'll be back in a minute.
You two, keep haggling.

Mr. Post?
My name is Sandy Donahue.

Bagpipes! Well, I haven't
seen those for years.

The rug is right down there.
Step in, join the party.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[BAGPIPES STARTING UP]

Please, you're driving
the fish crazy!

I won't be responsible.

They're cannibals!

[BAGPIPES STOPPING]

Oh... Excuse me,
I must be in the wrong house.

Okay, people,
you all have to go now.

The swapping party's over.

Why, man?
I was about to call
the beach house

and get the whole g*ng
over here.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh! There he is again.
Come on!

Who is that man?
What does he want?

Uh... It's the cops.

I'm a fence.
This is a hot bearskin rug
and...

Quick!
Out the back way!

Come on! Out! Out!
That's it, go!

Don't just stand there,
come on, out! Out!

Get your board. Out!

That poor little bear's
not staying in this house.

There's more than
one way to skin a Wilbur.

Ed, that's a dirty trick
putting that ad in the paper.

I had a heck of a time
explaining that to
my father-in-law.

Ed?

Ed, what are you
doing down there?

I'm a horse rug,
step on me.

You have caused enough
trouble for one day!

Now stand up on your
feet like a horse.

Print "Welcome" on me
and drop me at the front door.

Ed, you are sick.

I'm gonna call the vet
to give you a shot.

Not this horse!
[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS AGAIN]

You keep that
needle-happy vet away from me.

Ed, would you
do me a favor

and cut out this campaign
against the bearskin rug?

Wilbur, can you
sleep tonight

knowing some little
bear's grandmother is

stretched out in
your living room?

Yeah, I'll be able
to sleep tonight.

Problems, problems, Ed.

You know, we should've
had a second horse.

Well, looks like
I'm gonna have to scare Wilbur
into action.

But how?

Yeah!
Why not?

Tonight I'm raiding
the city zoo.

If this don't scare
some sense into Wilbur,
nothing will.

Okay, Sadie,
this way, please.

Ah, now flop down
on the floor.

Make like a rug.

Boy, she sure looks real.

What am I talking about?
She is real.

Somebody's grandmother.
Ha!

That silly Ed.

[BEAR GROWLING]

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMS]

Wilbur, what's happened!

That bearskin rug,
it's alive!

Wilbur is a simple man.

Sometimes you gotta
frighten him into things.

I tell you,
that bear is alive!

It chased me all
around the living room.

Oh, honey, it's
just a bad dream.

Oh, Carol,
don't you see what he's doing?

Admit it, Wilbur,
this is just an act.

If you don't
like the rug, get rid of it.

I liked the rug
until it started chasing me.

It's alive!

Carol, don't step on it!

[SCREAMS]

I'm telling the truth.

It growled,
it jumped.

Otherwise, why would I run
all around the room?

Dad, he actually
believes it.

I knew it would
happen sometime.

He's finally flipped.

Mr. Post, let's get to the cause
of your bear phobia.

When you were a child,

did you have
a, uh, little teddy bear?

- Yes, I did.
- Ah.

And you were
afraid of it?

No, I loved it.

Then why are you afraid
of a little bearskin rug?

Well, because it chased
me around the room.

Let's get back
to the teddy bear
you had as a baby.

Now, I want to imagine you
are back in your little crib.

Mommy's gone shopping
and you're all alone.

Where's Daddy?

Daddy has gone to work.

Good.

We were hoping
he'd get a job.

Uh... In lying there
in your little crib,

did you ever imagine
that the teddy bear

would jump up and chase you
around the room?

Of course not.

I didn't believe the rug
would either, but it did.

Do your stuff, Sadie.

Remember, we're fighting
to keep your relatives
off living room floors.

[GROWLING]

Uh, Mr. Post,
I'll be honest with you.

Now, that bear that you think
chased you around the room?

Just a figment
of your imagination.

Now, just convince yourself
of that and you'll be all right.

- Figment?
- Mm.

Just a figment?

Of course.
That's right.

- Mm-hmm.
- Figment.

Hi, Figgy.

Uh, who was that
you waved at?

The figment.
It just walked by.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You think
it just walked by.

- I think?
- Yeah.

Doctor, I "think"
it walked by again.

Uh, Mr. Post, you're
obviously suffering
from a bear psychosis.

Now, there's only one way
we can lick that fear.

Get rid of the rug.

Oh, no, no.
Just the opposite.

You must learn
to live with it.

There goes my horse.

Your horse?

Uh, has he been chasing
you around the room, too?

No, he doesn't
approve of the rug.

I mean,
he's very sensitive.

Doctor, Figgy's back.

Is that what
the doctor said, Wilbur?

He wants you
to get used to it?

Yeah. He says,
"Once you get used to something,

why, you lose
the fear of it."

Just like marriage.

[LAUGHS]

Wilbur, if this rug
disturbs you this much,

I think we ought to
get it out of the house.

No, no, no, no!
The doctor said

when you face the thing you
fear most, you got it licked.

Well, excuse me,
I think I'll turn in.
Goodnight, honey.

Goodnight, Wilbur.

I think I'll turn in, too.
Coming, honey?

No, no. I'm gonna
stay a while longer.
Just get used to it.

Okay.

Oh, honey,
if you want a snack,

there's some chocolate
pudding in the refrigerator.

- Thank you.
- Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Don't go away, Figgy.
Be right back.

Yeah, this last switch
ought to do it.

Come on, Sadie.
Get in there.

- On the double.
- [GROWLS]

Goodnight, Figgy.

[GROWLING]

No! No!

You're not Figgy!
You're a real bear!

Ed!

You brought this
bear in here!

What bear, Wilbur?

You're cracking up.

[EXCLAIMING]

[GRUNTING]

Come on, Smokey,
I'm rooting for you.

- Ed!
- [LAUGHING]

You're doing fine,
Wilbur.

Ed.

Ed, she's squeezing me.

Don't worry,
I won't tell Carol.

Okay, Sadie,
go home.

The zoo closes
in half an hour.

[GROWLING]

Ed,

that was the dirtiest
trick you ever pulled.

Wilbur, do I have to
bring that bear rug back?

No, I don't want that
thing in this house.

Because you don't believe
in skinning animals, huh?

No.

I just don't want
to go through life

wrestling
somebody's grandmother.

Hi, Ed.

Why, hi, Wilbur.

Hey, you're talking
to me again, huh?

Oh, well, yes, you did scare
the life out of me, you know,

but I see your point.

I mean,
if I were an animal,

I wouldn't want anybody
spreading me out in
front of a fireplace.

That's right.

How do you think
those Persians feel

when they make rugs
out of them?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

What do you got in that
package, buddy boy?

Something for me?

Oh, well, uh, you see,
Dad, uh, exchanged

the bearskin rug
and he got a few gifts.

One of them was this,
uh, this electric blanket.

Oh, no!
Get rid of it!

Why?

Well, that blanket
is made of wool.

Wool comes from sheep.

How would you like someone
plugging your grandmother
into the wall?

Ah, no, Ed!

Well, would you?

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse is
the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yackety-yak
the street and waste
your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will
never speak unless he
has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed. ♪

ANNOUNCER: