03x04 - Martin Gets Paid

[bunniefuu]

Guess who's back.

How y'all feel?

♪ Lawrence ♪♪

We're going in three minutes,

Martin!

Hey, mart--oh!

Hey, remember when was the last time

You bought some groceries?

When was the last time you had hair, tommy?

After eight hours of buffing floors,

I'm not trying to feed your big no-job-having a*s.

Damn!

Hey, martin, now that we in the same union,

We can go to them meetings together...like men.

Yeah!

And if we need a ride, mom's can take us there.

So how is work, man?

Uh, better than I thought.

For the first time I'm happy.

Radio stuff was cool,

But show business ain't no way to make no living.

You know, now I got my time.

I can think, plan for my future.

And in years when we cash in our pensions,

We going to be living large.

Yeah. A week, tax-free.

That's right.

That's a lot of money.

[Telephone rings]

What the hell was that all about?

'Ello.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is martin payne.

Yea--what?

Yeah.

Y-yeah...yeah.

You mean tomorrow?

Uh-huh.

Yeah. I think I can make that.

Hey, about time y'all found me.

All right! All right!

I'm back!

Marty-mar's back, man!

I'm going to be on tv.

That was channel calling me about an interview tomorrow.

Y'all know what that means?

I'm going to have my own show!

Aah!

O.k. O.k. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, martin.

Hold on.

Now, you just said that you had it with show business.

And don't you have to work in the morning?

I should be asking you that, brother.

Go t*rture your boy with his jealous a*s.

What? What?

Hey, tommy.

Let me call the buffing boss.

Yeah.

Let me speak to the buffing boss.

Yeah, buffing boss. Martin payne.

Yeah. About work tomorrow,

Buff this.

[Hang-up tone]

I can't believe you just quit a job,

And you don't even have another one.

Believe it, baldy savalas.

[Humming]

All right, martin.

What is so important I had to rush over here at a.m.?

First, girl, let's get some food in you.

Get you some breakfast.

Now, baby,

I'm on my way back.

I got a new job.

A better job.

You didn't!

Baby, I'll be hosting my own show on channel .

That's great! They gave you your own show?

No, no, no. Not yet,

But they're going to.

You talked to them?

No, no, no...

But I'm going to.

What makes you think they'll give you your own show?

They called me!

Girl, all this time, I've been thinking too small.

Now I know why it's taken me so long to break out.

Radio is cool, but now... This face...

Belongs on the t-tube.

Hel-lo! How are ya?

What do ya want?

Don't you need some kind of audition tape?

Audition tape?

Yeah.

W-w-what's an audition tape?

It's a sample of a show you've done,

Like a résumé on tape.

Pfft. Girl, please.

I don't need no audition tape.

I've been on the air all my life.

I'm a natural, gina.

Don't you get it?

They called...me!

I know...martin.

I just want you to be realistic.

Do I have to say it again?

No!

They called... They called...

Me!me!

I know!

Whaz happening, sister?

Ooh...tv!

Tv station.

This end.

Whoa.

Ahh...

Tonight in the audience, we have...

Smokin' joe frazier.

Right over here is smokin' joe.

I'm sorry.

I thought you was the champ.

Get off that stage! Don't you have any home training?

Who are you?

I'm mr. Martin payne,

Here to see ms. Rodriguez for the job.

She's in with a qualified applicant.

I don't see why? I mean, they called...me!

Thank you very much.

Where can we get in touch with you?

You can catch me on the fifth floor.

Bro man, bro man, bro man.

What are you doing here, bro man?

Nothin'.

Just chilling.

Trying to get me this j-o-b-b.

You're not here for this job?

Yeah.

They called me.

Hey...

How you doing?

I'm martin payne.

I'm gloria rodriguez.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, oh, rodriguez.

Well, let me say, whazzup?

Or should I say, ¿que pasa?

You speak spanish?

Oh, well, I do a little some--some.

I like to keep up with my latino brothers and sisters.

Check it out. Uh...

¿Como esta usted?

Uh, el lisa lisa.

Menudo, rico suave.

Just a little jokey joke.

El joko?

El ha ha.

Ooh.

What I'm looking for

Is an on-air personality with a lot of edge for a new talk show.

Well, don't push me, 'cause I'm close to the edge.

Good.

Let's see your audition tape.

Whoa. Wait, uh...

Audition tape?

No, I didn't bring no audition tape.

Then we have nothing to talk about.

Did you--

Did you say audition tape?

I thought you said new edition tape.

That's my bad.

You know what I did?

I think I had left the tape in my other pants.

I can bring that in for you next week.

I'm sorry, mr. Payne.

I have to make a decision by tomorrow afternoon.

Nice meeting you.

It's like-- you know what?

Did I say I was going to bring the tape in next week?

Why am I tripping?

Know what? I can get that to you tomorrow.

Zoom. Right there tomorrow.

Good. I'll see you at :.

Right. Right. I'll be here.

Pronto!

Mrs. Rodriguez, I'll be here, uh, manana.

That's mañana.

Oh, oh, o.k. With the plural.

Sound like the plural.

Call on my boy, cole.

Cole!

Yo, cole!

Get everybody over to the house.

It's showtime, boy.

Yeah! I'm back in the business!

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Cole, what are you doing?

You look like you should be on tv, man.

Think so?

Kind of like a low-budget montel.

Gina, why are we doing this?

To help martin get a job.

It's the first step to me getting out of your apartment.

Y'all got to move your asses.

O.k. Listen to this, everyone.

Listen to this.

We are going right away.

I'm going to need your help on this.

We need to make this look like the perfect talk show.

All of you can help me do this.

All right? Gina, baby, you're my first guest.

O.k.?

I want a lot of energy.

I don't know. I've never been on tv before.

I'm nervous.

No. Don't be nervous.

Trust me. I'm with you, baby.

O.k.? Hey...

I'm gonna make you look good.

Really?

Real good.

O.k.

Tommy, if gina bombs, I'm going straight to you.

I won't let her jam me up on this.

All right.

Pam, please.

Try not to look directly into the camera.

I'm responsible for any damage to the lens.

Hey, don't listen to him.

You know, you look good.

[Knock on door]

What?

Yeah. All right. Come on in.

Take your seats.

We're going right away.

Lot of energy. All right.

Come on in. Cool.

Yeah. Come on in.

Uh, martin.

Yeah, yeah.

Who are these people?

It's my studio audience.

Soon as word got out I was doing a show,

Couldn't keep 'em away, man.

Yo, man.

I got you your audience. Can I get my money?

And where's oprah?

You're asking an awful lot of questions...

For a dollar, o.k.?

Now sit your a*s down and enjoy the show.

O.k.?

We got the equipment for an hour.

Let's go. Let's go.

Audience, I want you in it.

Tommy, I'm going to need you behind the camera.

O.k. I got it.

Cole, you getting everything together?

Yeah. Speak out, take one!

♪ Dit dit da, bi beda do do do ♪

♪ Badip badip, da da da ♪

♪ Bip da do ♪♪

All right.

Well, all right!

Whaz happenin'?

Whaz goin' on?

Welcome to the number one talk show speak out!

All right. I'm your host martin payne.

And my first guest...

Is a marketing executive on her way to the top.

Please welcome...

Gina waters.

[Pam] gina!

Give her a round of applause.

Thank you. Hello out three!

Ha ha! Well, we're glad to have you.

Glad to have you.

All right, tell us a little about yourself.

Well, I have a master's degree in public relations,

And I work at a firm in--

Yeah, well, let's get to the good part.

At what point... Did you decide...

To become a shoplifter?

What?

I mean, it's right there.

I mean...

Don't--don't do that.

I mean--

Respond.

I mean, don't deny it, ms. Waters.

At what point did you become a shoplifter?

Did gambling push you into it?

What drove you to doin' the things that you do?

Speak out!

Are you crazy? Hold up, tommy.

Stop the tape now. I'm serious.

Wait, wait.

Is that your answer for everything, ms. Waters?

Because in real life,

You can't just stop the tape!

Speak out!we gotta pay some bills.

We'll be right back.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Clear!

Good.

You're doing great!

Everyone loves you.

The audience is into it.

I love it.

You are humiliating me!

I'm supposed to.

Haven't you seen the other talk shows?

How else can I compete

With geraldo and them?

Martin, you're telling lies.

Lies, martin!

Well, what about...

What about when I lie for you?

Did you k*ll my hummingbird?

I was there for you when you were down under the...

All right, all right, martin!

You better tone it down, or I swear I'm not...

In ...

...

...

...

We're back.

We're back to speak out!

Gina waters...

Tell us about your marketing job.

Well, what I do is work with different clients--

Are you stealing money from them, too?

I'm going!

What, gina?

What is it? You can't handle it?

You don't want people to know?

Shut up!

She done cracked under the g*n.

Thank you very much.

Welcome back to speak out.

My next guest is an expert psychologist on relationships.

He's also author of a new book called

Getting the drawers.

Please welcome to the show

Tommy strong.

Thank you very much.

All right. All right.

How you doing, doctor?

Got the drawers.

Ha ha! He has the drawers.

Thaz right.

Well, dr. Strong, please tell me and my audience

And the audience out there,

Uh, tell the world about your secret.

Oh, martin, I don't have any secrets.

Ha ha ha ha.

I haven't any.

Why do you lie, man?

Don't be a liar, o.k.?

Explain to the world, o.k.?

About your addiction to phone sex. Speak out!

Wh-what are you talking about?

Oh, man, don't play dumb, o.k.?

I'm holding here, right here,

Your phone bill.

O.k.? Huh?

$ Charged to -strok-e-doke?

Speak out! You a pervert, aren't you?

A pervert?

Pervert, indeed.

How do you live with yourself?

Get him out of here.

Get him off my set.

Ms. James, would you prefer to be called...

Ms. Or mister?

That depends. Do you prefer jack or a*s?

Very funny.

Ha ha. O.k. Please.

Tell the people out there about your life as a voodoo priestess.

Girl, just hold your tongue.

What is that,

Some kind of hocus-pocus magic?

Pblblbl-- "hold your tongue."

What is that?

You better watch your step,

Or I'm gonna shrink you, martin.

Oops. Somebody beat me to it, webster.

As you can see,

Voodoo women not only curse others,

But by looking at her face,

They damn sure curse themselves.

I can tell by the hair on her forearm,

Oh, it's gonna be a full moon.

Arooo!

That did it!

I ain't gina!

Get her out! Get her out!

Get her out! Get her out!

Get her out! Get her out!

As you can see,

It got a little rough when that female impersonator attacked me.

Um, but other than that,

Uh, you got to admit, ms. Rodriguez,

The tape is all.

All what?

Child, please.

Bernice, you will get your chance to be on my show

Next week, o.k.?

Now, please?

Mr. Payne, your tape was entertaining.

But it's just not what I'm looking for.

I'm sorry. I'm going to go with somebody else.

Wow. Right in my face you tell me that?

O.k. You could've called me when I got home.

Nice to meet you.

Nice meeting you.

Thank you for the interview.

Ha!

Ms. Rodriguez, look. Check this out.

So what i--i don't get my own show.

I'm cool with that.

I'm not afraid to start again, work my way up to the top.

I'm a hard worker.

I can prove it if you'll just give me the chance.

I know I can.

Look, I put this tape together in no time.

You know, I have one more opening.

How does associate producer sound to you?

What?

Oh!

Let me weigh my options.

Associate producer.

Buffing floors.

Associate producer.

Buffing floors.

I'm going to go with associate producer.

Good.

You're also messenger, caterer, and security.

Cool. Whatever.

Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

See you at :.

Ms. Rodriguez, you all right, so this goes with you.

¿Que pasa?

Yeah, I'm into tv.

A.m. Sharp,

And your first assignment

Is to bring doughnuts for the crew,

Mr. Producer.

All right. Well, I'll see you tomorrow at work,

Mrs. Doubtfire. Poop!

I like.

♪ Clink dink dink dink dink dink dink ♪♪

Whoo! Hoo!

Baby, I want to thank you for being there for me.

You know I couldn't have done it without you.

Actually, I could have,

But I wanted to include you.

No. Thank you, baby. I appreciate that.

I know that.

I know that you love me.

I do love you. I love you.

Before I forget, I bought you a nameplate for your desk.

No.

No?

No.

I don't have no desk.

Oh, baby. That's o.k.

That's o.k.

You can put it on your parking space.

No.

No?

No. I don't have no parking space.

Uh, honey, what's your extension at work?

Let me think.

No.

I got no extension. I have no phone, baby.

I'll call you.

I'll give you a couple quarters.

O.k.

Congratulations, anyway.

I love you.

I love you. Come here.