02x05 - Tony the Matchmaker

[bunniefuu]

♪ There is more in life
than what you're living

♪ So take a chance
and face the wind

♪ An open road,
and a road that's hidden

♪ Brand new life
around the bend

♪ There were times
when I lost a dream or two

♪ Found the trail
and at the end was you

♪ There's a path you take
and a path not taken

-Hey, Wally.
-Huh?

Did you catch that new girl
at the juice bar?

Wow!

Yeah, yeah.

She looks just like
my wife, Peggy.

In your dreams.

And, by the way,
she's your ex-wife.

I mean, you've been
divorced six months.

Don't you think we should
stop talking about her?

You're right. All right.
I agree.

My analyst agrees.
My dental hygienist agrees.

I just can't help
thinking that

Peggy's gonna be
coming back to me.

Wally, she's remarried.

Marriages break up,
you know. Mine did.

Come on,
Wally, you've got
to get out there.

You got to start circulating.

It's easy for you to say.
You were born irresistible.

I wasn't born irresistible.

I had to work at it.

Well, no, you know,
women just don't seem
to find me very attractive.

Peggy must've told me that
at least a million times.

Would you forget
about Peggy?

Peggy is not all women.

Well, she is to me.

She was my first girlfriend.

And between us, Tony,

she's the first woman
I ever...

Well, you know.
And I was her only man.

You mean Peggy Putnam?

"Party Time Peg?"

Hey, why don't you guys
evaporate, huh?

See what I'm telling you?

You gotta get out
of your shell,
start circulating.

-How about that girl
at the juice bar?
-No.

She was too aggressive,
too forward.

Wally, she had to ask you
what you wanted,

she's the waitress.

You got anybody else?

Uh...

I've got it.
I've got it. Angela.

She's my boss.

She's real nice,
and she's smart.

And she is really...
Not bad looking.

Then why would she
want to go out with me then?

Hey, I can talk her
into anything.
Don't worry.

Well, if she's so great,

how come you don't
go out with her?

She's got a weak heart.

Can't believe I'm doing this.
I hate blind dates.

Oh, come on, Angela.
You're gonna have
a great time with Wally.

Hey, he's a prince of a guy,

and underneath it all,
he's got a great personality.

Uh-oh.

Well, you look
really...warm, dear.

So, where's he
taking you? Norway?

No, Mother,
we're going to play
miniature golf.

What kind of a lame-o
comes up with an idea
like miniature golf?

Actually, that was my idea.

Does that answer
your question?

Mother, it's a
perfect blind date.

You're always on your feet,

and if the guy tries
anything funny,

you've got a club
in your hand.

Hey, listen. Guys, listen.

You know,
Wally's kind-of rusty
at this dating stuff.

I don't think he needs
a reception committee.
Come on.

Oh, come on, Dad.
We just want to check him out.

Yeah, we won't say anything.

We'll just stare.

-Mother!
-Out.

No, no, no,
come on, come on.

This'll be going to be
really good for Wally,

going out with
a woman like you.

A woman like me?

Well, yeah, you know...

Most guys would've
fixed him up with a dog.

Thank you, Tony.
Sort of.

Hey, Wally, Here you are
right on time and looking
really beige.

Come on in.

Wally, this is Angela.
Angela, this is Wally.

-Hi.
-Hi.

She doesn't wanna
go out with me.

Oh! No, she does.
She does. Sure, she does.

-Don't you, Angela?
-Of course I do.

-Okay. Here.
-Oh!

Thank you.

Oh!

A wrist corsage!

I know... I know that
flowers aren't exactly right
for miniature golf.

-But Peggy, that's my wife...
-Ex-wife.

Right.
You're absolutely right.

My ex-wife.

The greatest woman
I've ever known
in my entire life.

She just loved flowers.

I can't believe she's gone.

-Uh, Wally. Wally...
-Uh-huh?

Uh, if you'd would like
to call this off,
I really would understand.

No, no, no, no.

He's raring to go,
he's raring to go.

Right. Right.
I won't let you down.

Let's play golf!

I will get you for this.

Thank you. I had
a wonderful time.
Goodnight.

You said "Wonderful."

That's the exact word
I was going to use.

Wonderful.

-There it is again.

From now on, Angela,
that's gonna be our word.

How sweet.

Well, thank you and goodnight.

Wait a minute.

I was wondering
when can I see you again?

I mean... Tomorrow?
Friday? Saturday?

-Sunday? You say when...
-You know, Wally...

You know, this is a time
when you should be
seeing a lot of women.

-You're still recovering
from your divorce.
-No.

You are the one for me.

I haven't felt like this
since the night I met
and proposed to Peggy.

Wonderful!

Oh!

Goodnight.

WALLY: Wonderful!

Hey, Angela, how'd it go?

-Not wonderful.
-So, how was it?

-Pretty bad.
-Did you have a good time?

-Horrible.
-Hi, Mom.

It was awful, okay?
It was the worst night
of my life.

Can't say I didn't warn you
about the miniature golf.

Oh, come on, Angela.
It couldn't have been
that bad.

You're wrong.

I'm sure
he's a very nice guy

but's he just a little too...

Pathetic.

I mean, he is so desperate.

One date, and the guy thinks
he's in love with me.

That is desperate.

Hey, Angela.
Come on. Angela, wait.

He needs another chance.
He's like a guy
who fell off a horse.

He's having trouble getting
back in the saddle.

Well, you know what I mean.

That's right, dear.

I mean, what is one more
bad date in your life?

No. No. Never again.
Absolutely not.

Forget it.

-I think she's coming around.
-Oh, yeah.

Wally? All right, all right.

-Wally.
-Hi. Has Angela gone?

Yeah, she, uh,
she just left for work.

Did she tell you
anything at all
about our date?

Well, she filled me in
on the highlights.

Tony, it was magic!

We were made for each other.

-You sure you two
were on the same date?

-Hey, Tony?
-Yeah.

Is this Angela's toast?

I think so.

Oh, look at that.

It's perfect.

I can hardly wait to kiss her.

Now, come on,
sit down and tell me
everything about her.

Everything!

Well, all right, look.
She's...

She's five-foot-seven.

She's a Gemini,

and she never wants
to see you again.

Figures, you know.
Peggy was a Gemini.

Oh, would you
stop with Peggy?

Good morning, Tony.
Oh, sorry.

I, I didn't realize
you had company.

Mona, this is Wally. Yeah.

Wally, this is Mona,
Angela's mother.

-You're Wally?
-Yeah.

Well, my goodness,
I've heard so much about you.

No, no, no, no, not that.
Not that, look?

Uh... Stay here
with Mona, okay?

Yeah, that's right.
You really should not be alone
at a time like this.

Stay and have a cup of coffee.

Finish your toast.

Mona, thank you.

-Hey, buddy,
see you later, all right?
-Yeah, yeah.

You know, I should have
expected this.

Why would
a woman like Angela

be interested
in a loser like me?

You're not a loser.

Stop playing with your food.

Wally, you have a lot of...

Potential.

-I do?
-Yes!

Trust me.

Wally, you are a diamond
in the rough.

I'm a lump of coal.

No, you're not, maybe...

Maybe you're just
trying too hard, huh?

You know,
women like a, a little...

-Flirting.

No, I could...
I could never do that.

Never obvious.

Then you turn back slowly.

This time
staring a little longer.

This sure beats
miniature golf.

Okay, all right, you try it.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm no good at it.

No, you were great.
I can't do that kinda thing.

Have fun! Have fun, come on.

All right, okay.

First, okay, I look...

Mmm-hmm.

-Look at you.
-Mmm-hmm.

Then I smile...

Then I turn away...

I forget what comes next.

Oh, Wally, don't worry.

You're gonna be great.

Because you've got
the best coach
in the business.

-Oh, hi, Tony.
-Hey, Angela.

Listen, before you say
another thing.

I'm real sorry
about last night.

I never should have
made you go out with Wally.

Oh, Tony.
You know, it's funny...

All day I'm at work
with confident,
good-looking men

who say the right things
and wear the right clothes,

and you know what?

It got me thinking
about Wally.

-Our Wally?
-Yeah.

Yeah, you know,
he's nothing like those men.

You can say that again.

And Tony, last night
wasn't so bad.

I mean, the wrist corsage,

although totally
inappropriate,
was rather sweet.

I was the only one
at Puttin' Palace wearing one.

And when he stepped in
the water hazard,

I mean, most guys
would've quit.

But, you know,
he hung his socks
on the windmill

and he played on through.

I mean, the guy
has a certain...

-Nerdy-charm?
-Exactly.

Well, Angela, you know,
he was here this morning,

old Wally, and...
And he's wild about you.

He would die for you.

Really?

Oh, there is something sort of
appealing about that.

And, you know, I do know
what he's going through.

It's very, very tough
dating again after divorce.

Yeah, yeah.
That's why you'd be
so perfect for him.

But Angela, this time
could you try to be
a little more, um, fun?

What?

I'm fun.

Yeah.

Hey, Wally. What's up?

I am, Tony.
I'm walking on air.

Well, I can see that.
Hey, I like the new threads.

Yeah? Oh, yeah.
Well, I'm trying
to change my image.

Well, good change.

Very good change.

Oh, hi, Angela.

Hi, Wally.

You know, Wally,
as it turns out,

I... I'm going to be free
on Saturday night...

Or, uh, even tonight
if you'd like to do something.

Oh, yeah.
Well, actually, tomorrow would
be a lot better for me

because tonight, I,
I have plans. Okay?

You... You have plans?

Well, there you are, gorgeous.

Wait a minute.

Wally. Now you're
going out with Mona?

Yes. Isn't life strange?

You know, I didn't realize
you two even knew each other.

You know that Tony
introduced us?

TONY: What? What?

I, I said,
"Mona, this is Wally,
Wally, this is Mona."

You call that an introduction?

Could I have a word
with you, sir?

-Sure, what's on your mind?
-Inside.

Wally, what is going on?

Well, you said I should date
lots of other women.

I didn't mean
in the same house!

Uh, Mother, would it be
prying too much to ask you

why you stole my date?

I didn't steal him, dear.

I thought you didn't
want him anymore.

Really?

Whatever gave you that idea?

You did.

You said that it was
the worst night of your life.

I thought I was
doing you a favor.

Oh, thank you, Mother.

But I've decided to go out
with Wally again.

Well, that's nice, dear.

Don't wait up.

Wait a minute.

You're still
going out with him?

You bet. And it won't be
the worst night of my life.

Come on, Wally.
Let's blow this pop stand.

Oh... Goodnight, Tony.
Goodnight, Angela.

I'll, uh, see you tomorrow.

Can you believe my mother?

Poor Wally,
poor, vulnerable Wally.

Shattered by a divorce,
on the rebound from me,

he falls right
into her clutches.

That's one way
of looking at it.

Was that Grandma
leaving with Wally?

Yeah, sport.

You're right, Sam.
Wally dumped Mom
for Grandma.

That's just another way
of looking at it, you know.

Well, we'll just see
who gets dumped.

Oh, what are you gonna do?
You're gonna break
the date with Wally?

No. I'm gonna to keep
the date with Wally.

And I'm gonna
take your advice.

Now you're talking!
Take my advice.

What advice was that?

You said I should be more fun.

Well, I'm going to be
so damn much fun,

Wally's not gonna see straight
for a week.

Dad, did you ever date
two women at the same time?

Well...

Well, once.

When I was in high school,

I went out with
the Camisa sisters
for a while.

But it didn't last.

What happened?
Did they find out
and break the date?

No, the Camisa brothers
found out and broke my nose.

Well, I'd better go upstairs.

I told Jonathan I'd play
hide and seek with him.

-He's been hiding since 7:30.

Good evening.

Check it out.

-I hope I grow into that.
-Get outta here.

Angela, that ain't a dress,
that's a weapon.

Oh, this?

I just grabbed the first thing
I saw in the closet
and threw it on.

You've been getting dressed
for an hour and a half.

The zipper was stuck.

Oh, hello, dear.

My goodness, you look nice.

Oh, your dress is ripped.

Oh, Mother, what a lovely
sweater you have

clinging to you
like a long lost relative.

Yeah, you know, you do.

You both look terrific.

Really, terrific.

Mother, did you come over here
to show off your sweater

or is there something
you wanted?

Well, I borrowed Wally's
jacket last night, uh...

Late last night and. uh...

I just thought
I'd bring it over
and thank him.

I can thank him.

I don't think you can really
thank him the way I can.

Girls! Girls!

Ladies!

How about if I thank him
and he gets it in one piece?

Now what is going on here?

Well, my mother has
clearly set her cap for Wally

and I'm afraid she's
going to be disappointed

because it's obvious that
he is quite interested in me.

After last night, I doubt that
he even remembers her.

And after tonight
I doubt he'll ever forget.

Hey, uh do you
want me to get that

or do you two
wanna duke it out?

-Hey, Wally.
-Hi, Tony.

-How are you?
-Hi, Angela.

Hello, Wally.

What a pretty dress.

Well, thank you.

Hi, Wally.

What a great sweater.

All right, look, you two
have a good time.

-Go ahead.
-Did you see that sweater?

Wally, it's just you
and me tonight, let's party.

Well, before you go,

wouldn't anyone like a drink?

I would.

Well, it is Saturday.
I mean, let the
good times roll.

Well, then, Mother,
why don't you

make a round
of your specialty?

Old fashioneds.

Oh, Angela, you make them.

You're the expert
at ice and bitters.

Why don't you both go?

You're getting fur
on the rug here.

Tony, are those
two gorgeous women
really fighting over me

or is this some kind of
a cruel, practical joke?

It's hard to believe,
isn't it?

I mean, it's really
hard to believe.

Well, I don't know. I mean...

Maybe beneath
this civilized exterior

beats the heart of a savage.

It's really hard to believe.

Listen, "savage",
I'll be right back.

Do me a favor.
Don't swing on anything
while I'm gone.

And may the best woman win.

She would stoop to
blatant sexuality.

Where are the Camisa boys
when you need them?

Tony, you're not going
to believe this.

They want me to choose
between them.

-I know.
-How did this happen?

I don't know.

Maybe what I've been
telling you all along is true.

That underneath it all,
you're a terrific guy.

You just needed
some confidence.

And now I got it.
Thanks to you...

Dude.

Give me five.

Wally!

Keep your money.
Just tell me who
you're gonna go with.

I don't know.
I've been thinking
this over. I mean...

I don't want to hurt
their feelings, Tony.

Could you do it for me?

-Ugh!
-Come on.

All right.
All right, "wild man".

Go ahead,
go break some hearts.

-Thanks, a lot Tony. Thanks.
-All right.

You know, I wish I was
still married to Peggy

-because I could
dump her, too.

That's great, huh.

Oh...

-Where's Wally?
-Yeah.

-He has to make a decision.
-Yeah.

Well, Wally made
the only decision
he could make.

He, uh, decided to leave.

Why?

Well...

He was overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed with the thought
of having to choose

between two such
loving and caring ladies
such as yourselves.

He asked me
to tell you that,

and hoped
you would understand.

Oh, we understand, all right.

Right.

We both got dumped.

Bingo.

TONY: Who's The Boss
will be back in a moment.

Stick around.

Tony, just for the sake
of argument,

who would you have chosen?

Just for the sake
of not arguing,
I won't say, okay?

Well, you know...

Mother, I think he would
have chosen you

I'm sorry I stole
your boyfriend.

Oh, Mother, you didn't
steal my boyfriend.

We all know if I wanted to,
I could get him back
like that.

In a pig's eye.

Oh, yes? Mother, really...

Ladies, ladies! Time!
Time! Time, time, time

I'll get the mud,
you get in your bikinis,

we'll settle this
like we should.

Come on, let's go.