04x19 - Ed Visits a Gypsy

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed.

Wow, look at that shot.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Well, Ed, one more ringer wins the game.

Wonderful! Ed, you are a phenomenon.

No, I'm a palomino.

Well, you've got a point.

You've got a wonderful eye, I'll tell you that.

You know, I bet you'd be a champ at golf.

No, golf's not for me.

I'd wind up 20 pounds heavier after every game.

Why?

Every time I'd get on the green, I'd eat it.

Well, there must be some game I can beat you at.

Maybe next time we'll play horseshoes.

No, Wilbur, I'm sorry.

I never pitch horseshoes.

Why not?

Mother taught us kids never to throw our clothes around.

Do-do-do-do-do-do.

Ed, it's a beautiful day today.

What do you say we go for a nice little walk in the park, huh?

Yeah, then maybe I could see Princess.

Princess? Princess who?

My little four-legged Cleopatra.

How I'd like to float down the Nile with her.

Shh, shh, shh.

Honey, you sure bring out the beast in me.

Come here.

Look, you've been through this so many times before.

Are you sure that this Cleopatra isn't just another summer romance?

Nope.

This is the little filly my kids are gonna be calling Mama.

Well, I'd be very careful about you.

You know, marriage is a serious step, even for a horse.

You, uh, take on a lot of responsibilities when you get married.

You betcha. If you don't believe me, you ask any married man.

Ask me.

Sure, ask Gordon here.

Hi, Gordon.

Hi.

Hello, you bird.

Bird, yeah.

Uh, Gordon, how long have you been standing here?

Long enough to be a witness at your sanity hearing.

Is he getting married?

No, no, he's just in love.

I mean, he thinks he's in love.

It's just a case of puppy love or pony love.

Now, you've got to stop talking to this animal.

Otherwise, you're going to be imagining he's talking back,

and then the only time we'll be seeing you is Visitor's Day.

No, just kidding.

Bobby, you had me.

He was, uh, hey, have you seen our wives?

Any idea what happened to them?

Oh, yes, yes, I had a call from Winnie, of all the fool things.

Do you know where she is downtown having a palm read by a gypsy?

Oh, you're kidding.

Your wife believes in that kind of thing?

Does she?

She'll go through a whole Chinese dinner just to get to the fortune cookie.

Now, relax, Gordon.

Look on the bright side of things.

Maybe the gypsy's telling your wife that she's going to meet a tall, dark, handsome man

and get you off the hook.

Oh.

Well, just the same, I'm going to have a talk with her,

spending my hard-earned money on a lot of this meaningless jibber-jabber.

Oh, come on, Gordon.

I mean, look at Winnie's point of view.

She works hard around the house all day so she gets her palm read.

What harm is that going to do you?

You are a loony bird if I've ever seen one.

Madame Kirkwood, I see your husband is a tyrant.

I see you allow him to bark at you, treat you like a doormat.

Oh, the colonel doesn't treat me like a doormat, does he, Carol?

No, you have welcome written all over your face.

My husband doesn't bark at me much,

except when I spend too much money or I'm late for a meal

or I disagree with him or...

all over my face.

Madame Kirkwood, you must assert yourself.

Let your husband know you have a mind of your own.

Fight back.

Fight back?

As I said, palm reading is just an innocent pastime.

Anything that keeps a woman out of the beauty shop can't be all bad.

Sometimes I just can't understand her,

taking the car, leaving me stranded, no lunch.

It's your fault.

Why did you let Carol take her down to that phony gypsy in the first place?

Now, just a minute.

We're not in the Air Force anymore, Colonel,

and you aren't my colonel anymore,

so don't you start barking orders at me.

Tank, John.

Test here.

Turn in.

See you in that stomach.

At ease.

Imagine him making such a fuss over a gypsy palm reader.

I wonder if a gypsy could tell me

if I'd be happy married to Princess.

You can't really believe in that stuff.

Don't tell me you're superstitious.

Why do you think I wear four horseshoes?

Forget it.

I gotta see a fortune teller

and find out if Princess and I would be happy,

or if she is just another passing filly.

Think I'll find out how I stand with Princess.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

Oh, no.

Ran out of carrots.

Oh, no.

She loves me.

Can't let one old carrot ruin my love life.

Yeah?

Ed, do you mind if we skip our ride?

Gordon asked me to play golf.

No, I don't mind, Wilbur,

if you'll do me a little favor.

Sure, what do you want?

Take me to that gypsy fortune teller.

Why do you want to see a fortune teller?

To have my hoof read.

Your hoof read?

Well, I don't have a palm, remember?

You're talking like a child.

Which still isn't bad for a horse.

Well, will you take me, Wilbur?

Sure, sure.

If I can find a gypsy horse who reads hoofs, I'll take you.

I gotta find out if Princess will make me a good wife.

Ed, you don't see a fortune teller

to find out if you're going to have a good marriage.

I didn't do that.

I don't want to make the same mistake.

Well, will you take me?

The answer is no.

Now, go and have your lunch.

Gee, my whole future at stake,

and he tells me to eat lunch.

If I wasn't hungry, I'd tell him all.

Oh, Wilbur.

Hi, honey.

I'm sorry I didn't get back in time to fix your lunch.

Did you find my note on the kitchen table?

Yeah, it was delicious.

Oh, sorry, darling.

But we went to a fortune teller.

Yeah, Gordon told me.

You know what the gypsy told me?

What?

She said I was going on a short trip soon.

And you know she's right.

Really?

Yeah, you're gonna go in the kitchen and fix my lunch.

You should have heard what she told Winnie.

Yeah, what?

She said that she was a doormat.

Doormat?

Mm-hmm.

She said that Gordon was stepping all over her

and Winnie should fight back.

The truth, Carol.

Did Winnie see a gypsy or her mother?

Let me tell you one thing.

There's going to be a lot of changes

in the Kirkwood household.

Fight back.

Well, rattle the earrings

and bang the tambourines.

My wife has returned from the gypsies.

Winnie, you had no right

to leave me without the car

to pick up the laundry,

make my own bed, fix my own lunch,

and impale myself on the canoe.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

You're sorry?

I'm sorry, and what about my golf sweater?

Now, I asked you this morning

to please sew a button on it

so I could use it this afternoon.

But what happens?

While I'm bleeding to death in the kitchen,

my wife is holding hands with a gypsy.

Are you going to put me in the guardhouse, Colonel?

Never mind that.

Or do you intend to break me,

tear the service stripes off my apron,

give me a dishonorable discharge from the kitchen?

Winnie, for the last time,

are you going to sew a button on this sweater

or aren't you?

I will if you stop yelling at me.

I am not yelling.

Then you must be whispering very loud.

Well, how do you want me to say it?

Would you please sew a button on this sweater?

Colonel, don't you lower your voice at me.

Winnie, what's gotten into you today?

Well, dear,

I just don't want to be treated like a doormat.

Doormat?

Who's treating you like a doormat?

You are.

The gypsy told me.

Oh, h*, h*, the gypsy told you.

That's right, Gordon.

Now, look, here is the marriage line.

Here is the heart line.

And this is the influence line.

When I get through with that gypsy,

she's going to end up on the unemployment line.

This line shows that I have a very submissive nature

and people tend to take advantage of me.

What about me?

Where am I?

Looking at my hand and still yelling at me.

Winnie, for the last time,

are you going to sew the button on this golf sweater

or are you not?

Are you going to listen to that gypsy

or are you going to listen to your husband?

I must say you are being very obstinate,

unreasonable, and opinionated.

Well, it's over.

Yeah.

Either he ran out of breath

or she k*lled him.

Looks like Gordon is not going to be playing any golf today.

Well, I think I'll go for a little walk.

I got a better idea.

Let's take a little ride.

It's okay. Where to?

To the gypsy.

My hoof is just itching to be read.

Enough, Ed.

I'm getting tired of your nagging.

Please, Wilbur.

I don't want my marriage to end up in a divorce court.

I told you.

And even if I said yes,

the gypsy would never allow a horse in her parlor.

Maybe this one has curb service.

A drive-in gypsy, huh?

Yeah.

Forget it, Ed.

Look, I'm not taking you over there.

She'd never allow a horse in her place.

Believe me.

Then how about bringing her here?

Here?

Yeah.

Tell her it's an emergency.

Maybe she makes house calls.

No, Ed.

Wilbur.

If you don't bring her here,

I'm running downtown by myself to see her.

No. No, Ed, please.

Now you get me into a lot of trouble

when you go running around town.

And promise me you will not leave this barn.

Sorry, Wilbur.

I've got to protect my future.

Are you bringing me that gypsy,

or do you want to see your horse in a police lineup?

Okay.

Okay.

One gypsy coming up.

I dream of princes with the dark brown eyes.

I dream of princes with the dark brown eyes.

The things we do for our children.

Hello, horse.

Hello, horse.

Hello, horsey.

Gypsy lady, you can see.

Hello, horsey.

Gypsy lady has come to read your fortune.

Ah, I see in my crystal ball

that you are a very lucky horse.

Your master is kind.

Generous.

Thoughtful.

Screwy.

Aren't we being a little foolish, Wilbur?

Now listen, Ed.

Go away, Wilbur.

Ed, don't you want to hear my prediction

about your girlfriend?

But you're not a gypsy.

You're just a Wilbur.

Oh, I beg your pardon, Miss, uh, Mrs., uh, Madam.

May I ask what you're doing here?

Are you breaking up homes from the inside now?

I've been reading the future.

Well, I'll read your future, gypsy.

You're flying out of town on the next broom.

Excuse me, sir.

I have a 12.50 an appointment

with a palm in Beverly Hills.

Oh, I see.

Just a minute.

You're not going anywhere

until I find out what you're doing in Mr. Post's office.

Well, if you'll excuse me, sir,

I really must be leaving.

Trick or treat?

Pathetic.

A child's mind in a man's body.

You are a loony bird.

I was doing all this for you.

This is the way you treat me, huh?

That wasn't very funny, Ed.

What you did to me wasn't funny either.

Wilbur, you gotta help me.

Please take me to a real gypsy.

I gotta know if Princess is the right mate for me.

All right, Ed, you can turn off the tears now.

You know I can't bear to see a horse crying.

Oh, thanks, buddy boy.

Thanks.

Uh, Wilbur.

What?

Your slip is showing.

The tears worked again.

What's the matter, woman?

No customers today?

Business is so bad, I've been reading my own palm.

See if you can find a new husband there.

Because you're gonna lose this one

if you don't drum up some business.

Oh, don't yell at me, Sultan.

I'm not a doormat.

Someday, Amanda, someday.

Someday, if you touch me again,

I see a very dead gypsy.

A customer.

Make sure you get plenty.

Come in, come in.

I'd like to have a fortune told.

Yes, won't you sit down?

Well, it's not exactly for me.

Oh, for your wife?

No.

Your lady friend?

For my horse.

Your horse?

He'd like to have his hoof read.

I'm sorry, I don't care for such jokes.

Well, I'm willing to pay.

A horse?

No, I'm sorry.

Wait a minute, mister, wait a minute.

It's all right, it's all right.

But I must tell you, I charge double for horses.

Why, that is no problem.

This way, Amanda, right in here.

All right.

Have him turn his hoof upside down and place it on the table.

I don't think he can do it.

Well, I'm sorry, I'm afraid there's nothing I can...

Well, we'll figure something out.

Why you want to have his hoof read?

Well, you see, he's in love with this filly.

Princess is her name, and she's a lovely horse.

I think they'd make an ideal couple.

But my horse is very cautious,

and he wants to know if you see a happy marriage in his future.

I want to know.

You see, he's an only horse.

I guess all this sounds kind of strange to you.

Oh, no, no, no.

I think all animals should have their hoofs read

before they get married.

Mr. Lady, go ahead.

Step right over here.

Okay.

Oh.

I see your horse has a long, active love line.

He's been around. He's no kid.

But he has sown his wild oats, and he's ready to settle down.

I see trouble here in the marriage line.

This princess, she has a very bad temper.

And if they marry, she will treat him like a...

a doormat.

Just like Winnie Kirkwood.

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

Colonel, you don't have to do that.

No, step aside, step aside.

I'll never finish with my housework.

Colonel, I don't want you to do any housework.

That's my job.

Oh, no, marriage is a 50-50 proposition.

I'll take care of the downstairs.

You take care of the upstairs.

Our laundry, you'll wash, and I will iron.

And in dishes, I'll wash them, and you'll dry.

And we'll handle the money the usual way.

I'll make it, and you'll spend it.

I took you seriously.

Dear, give me that.

Oh, no, no, no, I am serious.

I will not have my wife feeling she's being used as a doormat.

Oh, I'm not a doormat.

That's what you said this morning.

Well, that was before the second gypsy read my palm.

Second gypsy? Where'd you see the second gypsy?

Coming out of Wilbur Post Barn.

Oh.

Oh.

And, uh, what did the second gypsy tell you?

She said that I had the most wonderful husband in the world.

Well, now, I like that second gypsy.

She's got brains between her earrings.

Don't hold me to that.

And, uh, what else did the second gypsy tell you?

She said that you owe Wilbur $5.

Oh.

You owe Wilbur $5.

I do now, and it's worth every penny of it.

What'd you say, dear?

Hi, neighbors.

Well.

Gordon, you, um, you change your mind about playing golf?

Well, uh, I don't know.

Of course you will.

Now, you wait right here, Colonel.

I'll go upstairs and sew that button on your golf sweater.

I, uh, believe I owe you, uh, $5.

Oh, what for?

As if you didn't know, for reading my wife's palm,

you little old gypsy.

It's all right, madam.

Keep it.

You've earned every penny of it.

Well, look, I'll keep it on one condition.

What's that?

Promise to stop calling me a loony bird.

Oh, I promise.

Say, by the way, where were you all day?

Oh, I took Ed downtown to a gypsy to have his hoof read.

I know.

What do you see in my palm, gypsy?

Uh...

Four-legged gypsy,

see a big event coming up in your life.

Oh? What's that?

Your horse's birthday.

Why do you see me giving my horse for his birthday, gypsy?

Yeah.

I see a sterling silver saddle,

imported cashmere blanket,

and platinum horseshoe.

I see a short trip for myself.

Right to the poorhouse.

Thanks a lot.

What do you say we hit the hay, huh?

Get a nice early start for our ride tomorrow.

Hey, who knows? Maybe we'll see Princess, huh?

I hope not.

She's not for me, Wilbur.

Come on, Ed.

You don't really believe all that stuff

the gypsy told you about Princess's bad temper, do you?

Why, sure, sure.

And my mother didn't raise her son to be a doormat.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yackety-yack a streak and waste your time a day.

But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

This has been a Filmways presentation.