04x14 - Ed's Dentist

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course,

that is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse, he'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course, talk to Mr. Ed.

Well, Ed, looks like I've got you trapped.

Yeah, I'd be ahead now if I hadn't swallowed my bishop.

No excuses.

Yeah, I'm a cinch to win this game.

Big deal.

Now you can tell all your friends you beat a horse at chess.

Now it's your move, huh?

You move your king, you're in check.

You move your knight, I take your queen.

Oh, it's lucky you're not a bedding horse, Ed, or you'd be riding tomorrow without a saddle.

Yeah, it looks like...

Oh!

What's the matter?

It's my tooth.

It feels like it's got a headache.

You've probably got a cavity from all that sugar you've been eating.

Well, I better get the vet over here.

No, not the vet.

Every time he comes over, he gives me a shot.

Now, Ed.

Keep that trigger-happy nut away from me.

Just calm down.

I'm gonna call Dr. Howard.

I don't need old sawbones around here.

My tooth feels... Oh!

Fine now.

But I tell you, I saw him.

He's playing chess with his horse.

Oh, Colonel, that's a ridiculous story.

How could a horse play chess?

I can't even learn the game.

I'm telling you it is true.

Oh, Gordon, don't be silly.

Wilbur is probably practicing a few chess moves,

and Mr. Ed just happens to be standing around.

No, Wilbur is playing chess with his horse.

Not only that, the horse is winning.

Well, would you ask him to get over here as soon as possible, please?

Well, he has my address.

Please tell him to hurry.

Thank you very much.

I'm sorry, Carol.

The Colonel doesn't usually play practical jokes.

Wendy, it was no joke.

I know what I saw.

Wilbur was playing chess with his horse.

Wendy, have I ever lied to you?

No, dear.

Have I ever played pranks on you?

No, dear.

Then you do believe what I was telling you.

No, dear.

Ed!

Ed, come on.

Ed, for the last time, are you going to open these doors?

Is the vet still coming to fool around with my tooth?

Yes.

Then a team of wild men couldn't drag me out of here.

Ed, I only want the vet to take a look at you, that's all.

Chances are he won't find a thing.

One of the things he won't find is a horse.

Don't tell me you're a coward.

I don't have to.

These locked doors prove it.

Ed, you can't stay in there forever.

You, uh, haven't had your lunch yet, Ed.

I'm on a hunger strike.

Oh, that's too bad, now.

Because I have here the nicest, juiciest carrots.

Oh, this looks so good, I'm going to take a bite myself.

What happened to your hunger strike?

Nothing, I just broke for lunch.

Okay.

Yeah.

Hello, Mr. Boost.

Oh, hello, Dr. Howard.

Thanks very much for coming over.

What's the matter?

Uh, my, uh, horse seems to have a toothache.

That's very unusual.

Horses rarely have any trouble with their teeth.

Yeah, well, he's been eating an awful lot of sugar lately.

You see, I'm afraid Ed has a sweet tooth.

Well, that's probably the one we'll have to pull.

Oh.

What happened to my instrument bag?

Ed!

Give me that bag.

You stop being such a baby.

Sorry, Doctor.

Where was he going with my bag?

Oh, probably to bury it in the backyard.

He's a terrible patient.

Now I've seen everything.

It'll only take a minute to yank that tooth.

All right.

I think I'd better get the big needle.

It's out in the car. Be right back, Mr. Boost.

Yeah, yeah, Doctor.

Hey, Ed, this'll just take a few...

Ed?

Ed?

Ed, where are you?

Up here, on the barn roof.

Stop kidding around.

Up here.

How did you get up there?

Fear.

That's what's gonna keep me up here.

Are you coming down, or do I have to come up there and get you?

Yeah, you look foolish carrying a horse over your shoulder.

Stop acting like a baby.

Look, you're gonna get a shot of Novocaine, you won't feel a thing.

Ed, the tooth has to come out sooner or later.

And the longer you keep putting it off, the worse it's gonna get.

Mr. Boost.

Hi, Doc.

How did your horse get on the roof?

He didn't say.

Well, I mean, I'm not sure, but I think...

Of course, he just took those two planks, you see,

and he laid them up on the ledge there,

and then when he got up on the roof,

he kicked them back down here again, right, Doc?

Yeah, maybe he shinnied up that tree,

swung over on that big branch and dropped down.

Yeah? No, no, Ed is not much of a climber.

Doctor, if I put a ladder there,

would you mind going up there and pulling his tooth?

Mr. Boost, I make house calls, not roof calls.

But how am I gonna get him down?

Why don't we each hold one end of a blanket and let him jump?

Doctor.

Mr. Post, I have no time for this sort of nonsense.

The next time you need me, you bring your horse to my office.

I thought the mad butcher would never leave.

I'm ashamed of you.

Dr. Howard came all the way over here to help you,

and you pull a stunt like this.

You know, if you didn't hurt yourself,

it would have been all over now.

You wouldn't have felt a thing.

As it is, you're just gonna have to go on suffering.

And if it starts bothering you again,

don't come to me looking for sympathy,

because you're not gonna get me.

Well.

Well, we'll...

We'll go down that plank.

What plank?

The plank you used to get up here.

I didn't use a plank.

I shinnied up that tree and dropped off the branch.

Don't be a wise guy.

Come on.

Come on.

Psychiatric division, please.

Dr. Vernon speaking.

Oh, yes, Colonel Kirkwood.

Of course I remember you, sir.

How have you been?

Fine, thank you.

But I'm worried about one of my former officers,

Wilbur Post.

I believe he's suffering from delayed battle fatigue

or some neurotic...

Well, anyway, whatever it is,

I'm convinced that he's finally popped his weasel.

Oh, well, why do you say that, Colonel?

This morning, you found your friend

playing chess with his horse.

And now he and the horse are on the barn roof?

What are they doing up there, Colonel?

Don't ask me.

Captain, this boy served under me.

He flew a lot of missions for his country,

and now he needs...

What?

How many missions did I fly?

Captain, we're not discussing me.

We're discussing Wilbur...

What do you mean, what ward am I in?

I'm at home.

My wife takes care of me.

No, she doesn't take care of me.

She...

Look, I know this all sounds very peculiar,

but it's the truth.

Oh, just a minute.

Here's my wife,

and she can verify what I've been telling you.

Oh, Winnie,

will you take a look at Wilbur's barn roof?

Why, dear?

Don't ask why. Just take a look.

Winnie, I want you to tell this man

what you saw on Wilbur's barn.

All right, dear.

Hello?

I saw a roof on Wilbur's barn.

Tell him what you saw on top of the roof.

Oh.

Shingles.

They must have climbed down.

You want to speak to the nurse again?

She is not my nurse.

Now, listen, Captain.

I want you to check this matter immediately.

I certainly will, Colonel.

Yes, I've got the name Wilbur Post.

I'll check his file immediately, sir.

Yes. Goodbye.

Kirkwood.

Colonel Gordon Kirkwood.

Who was that on the phone, dear?

Captain Vernon.

He used to be my medical officer.

Now he's in the psychiatric department,

and I was talking to him about Wilbur.

Wilbur?

What I saw on Wilbur's barn

has convinced me that boy is cracking up.

Oh, now, really, Colonel?

Many people have roofs on their barn.

Winnie, I saw Wilbur and his horse

standing on the roof of his barn.

Playing chess?

No, they weren't playing chess.

Now, who knows what they were doing?

But I know what I saw.

And believe me, when you...

Now, Winnie, stop that.

I have not been drinking.

Colonel.

You look a little tired.

Why don't you go upstairs and have a nice nap?

Have a nice nap?

If you want, I...

Oh, what's the use?

Nobody seems to believe me anyway.

I believe you, dear.

You do? Do you, Winnie?

Do you believe I saw Wilbur playing chess with his horse?

Certainly.

And if you say he was on the roof with his horse,

I believe that, too.

Oh, thank you, Winnie.

At least you don't think I'm losing my marbles.

Of course not.

You have every marble you were born with.

Now, go and have a nap.

Thank you.

Have a nice rest.

Operator, could you get me the Veterans Hospital?

Captain Vernon, Psychiatric Division.

Ed, I made a 3 o'clock appointment with Dr. Howard

to have your tooth pulled,

and I don't want to hear any more.

Ed?

Ed, where are you?

Is this a new couch we've got here?

I guess Carol must have got it for me as a surprise.

Now, what style would you call that?

Um, Swedish modern?

French provincial?

I think it's palomino chicken.

What do you say, Ed?

You're right. It's palomino chicken.

Oh!

My tooth feels fine now, Wilbur.

Honest.

Oh!

Ed, be sensible.

If I get a toothache,

why go straight down to my dentist,

have him put a filling in,

and get it over with?

Oh, you'd have a filling put in, huh?

That's right.

Why does the vet give me a filling?

Well, because the vet's not a dentist.

So what's he doing,

fooling around with my teeth?

You know, he did make a pretty snap decision.

I mean, after all,

just because you've got a toothache

there's no reason to pull the tooth out.

Oh, sure.

What would happen if I got a pain in my tail?

He'd want to pull that out, too.

Ed?

I wish I could help you, Ed,

but I've never heard of any horse dentists.

Why, I'm not particular, Wilbur.

Take me to your dentist.

Dr. Pearson?

He wouldn't put a filling in your tooth.

How do you know?

Well, I've been going to him for ten years,

and I've yet to see a horse in his waiting room.

Well, there's always a first time.

Would you want to see your little horsey

lose a tooth that might be saved?

No, no.

Well, I could talk to him, I guess.

I mean, I've been a patient of his for years,

and after all, he is a large brother.

Tell him if he does a good job on me,

I'll get him every horse in the valley.

What did the army psychiatrist

think was Gordon's problem?

Well, he couldn't be sure

until he talked to the colonel,

so I invited Captain Vernon to dinner.

He thought it would be a good idea

if we have some other guests,

so would you and Wilbur please drop by?

Oh, I see.

Make it look kind of casual.

Exactly.

And then after dinner,

the three of us can go out on the patio

and leave the couch

to the colonel and Captain Vernon.

Poor dear.

Now, Winnie, don't worry.

Everything's going to be all right.

Winnie!

Oh, yes, colonel.

Uh, did you have a nice nap, dear?

Winnie, what's all this stuff doing on my dresser?

Um, I bought them for you, dear.

I know how much you like games.

Watercolors, finger paint set,

bead stringing kit.

Why didn't you get me some building blocks?

They were all out of them.

I understand finger painting is great therapy.

Therapy for what?

This is the kind of stuff we give to the boys

before we send them...

Oh, now I get it.

You think I'm a kook.

You don't believe what I said about Wilbur.

Carol, believe me,

your husband needs help.

Yes, Gordon, you're right.

Of course.

Now, why don't you make Wilbur

a nice pair of beaded moccasins?

All right.

Now, I see you still don't believe me.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to follow Wilbur around.

And the next screwball thing

he does with his horse,

I'm coming back with a picture.

Fine, dear, fine.

Now, do you want to do the picture

in watercolors or finger paint?

He's in a pretty bad temper.

How was I to know he wanted building blocks?

Jay, I certainly appreciate you

staying late like this.

Oh, forget it, Wilbur.

Where is your friend?

Out in the waiting room?

No, he's in the freight elevator.

Freight elevator?

Regular one, not running?

Yeah, but he wouldn't fit in it.

He's too big.

How big can your friend be?

You might say as big as a horse.

Wilbur, I don't know.

Wilbur, that look on your face,

I have a funny feeling

you're hiding something.

I am.

He's in the freight elevator.

Who?

My horse.

Your horse is the patient?

Wilbur, it's late.

My wife is waiting with dinner.

This is no time for jokes.

Jay, I'm not joking.

My horse has a bad tooth

and it needs to be filled.

You're serious?

You brought your horse to this office

and you expect me to fill his tooth?

Look, Jay, I'm not telling you

to fill his tooth.

I mean, I'm not a dentist.

Who knows?

He may need an inlay or a porcelain cap.

As long as he doesn't need a brace.

He's very vain about his smile.

Have you any idea

what would happen to my practice

if people found out

that I was treating a horse?

Now, Jay, when you joined our lodge,

you took a solemn oath

to help a member in distress.

Your horse is a lodge, brother?

No.

Listen, Jay.

Oh, now, get him out of here.

Jay, this horse is suffering.

How are you going to deny him

medical attention

because of a mere accident of birth?

Could you sleep tonight

knowing full well...

Oh, shut up

and put this towel around his neck.

Bless you, Jay.

All right, now, boy.

Let's open up and look at it, huh?

All right, now,

let's get this in position.

I'll hold it right there.

There.

There, now, that should do it.

Get it out of there.

Thank you.

Now, I'll just have this

develop to be a right...

Oh, what am I doing?

Oh, I'll be back.

What was all that about, Wilbur?

He just took a picture of your tooth.

Oh.

So in case he pulls it out,

I'll remember how it looked.

He wanted to find out

what the trouble was.

Oh.

Come on, let me have a look

in there, will you?

Open it.

What?

Stop it.

Stop it.

Huh?

Winnie.

Winnie, wait,

did you see this picture?

Hello, Colonel.

It's nice to see you again.

Captain Vernon,

what are you doing here?

Well, I, uh...

Um, I...

Uh, uh, uh,

well, he just happened

to drop in for dinner, dear.

Yes, yes,

I was in the neighborhood

and I thought I'd drop in

and say hello.

Well, that's fine.

I'm glad you did.

Oh, Carol,

you have no idea

how sick poor Wilbur is.

I followed him tonight

and do you know what he did?

He took Mr. Ed

to a medical building,

broke into a dentist's office

and began playing doctor

with his horse.

Colonel,

your building blocks came in

and they're the giant size, too.

Oh, now, stop that.

I've got proof right here.

There.

There.

Colonel,

it's a picture of your face.

It's a picture of my face?

I...

Oh, I guess I was in such a hurry

I held the camera backwards.

Yes, yes,

of course, of course.

Now, why don't we just

sit down on the couch

and have a nice little chat,

shall we?

Chat about what?

Oh, well,

we might talk about many things.

Name one.

Hey, I'm sorry I'm late,

but what happened?

as your former commanding officer,

I order you to tell the truth.

Is that clear?

Yes, sir.

This morning,

were you playing chess in the barn?

And after that,

did you have your horse

up on the barn roof?

And tonight,

did you take your horse

to a dentist's office?

Is that true or not?

That's true, sir.

Ha-ha, there.

Ha-ha.

Well, you see, what happened,

we...

Hello.

What happened is,

Ed got this toothache, you see,

and the vet wanted to pull it out.

Well, I got to thinking,

why pull out

a perfectly good tooth

when all it might need

is a little filling?

So you took your horse

to a dentist

to get his tooth filled?

I hope that's all it needs.

We won't know for sure

until the x-rays come through.

I see.

Why don't you, uh,

sit down, Mr. Post?

Huh?

Right here.

Right here would be fine.

Thank you.

Now, you see,

Ed is scared to death

of the vet.

That's why he was

on the barn roof.

He didn't want to get

his tooth pulled.

And, uh,

it is true

that you play chess

with your horse?

Oh, yeah, no,

just not in the game.

Here, Carol,

the watercolors,

the finger paints,

and the bead-stringing kit.

It is sure tough

to play chess solitaire.

Hey, Ed.

I'm back.

Hi.

Did you pass

that psychiatric examination?

Oh, with a cinch.

They put me

through a lot of tests,

but there's nothing

wrong with me.

Oh, no?

Let's face it, Wilbur,

you're a bit eccentric.

Eccentric?

Oh, yeah.

What man talks to a horse?

I suppose you're

so normal, huh?

What horse talks to a man?

Yeah, I guess we're

just a couple of kooks, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, look,

I got some good news for you.

I just dropped by

the dentist,

and there's nothing

wrong with you.

You're just getting

a new tooth.

Oh, darn the luck.

What do you mean?

I was hoping

I'd get a gold filling.

A gold filling?

Why?

To make the fillies

think I'm a rich horse.

Oh.

Hey, how about it?

How about a game of ping pong, Kook?

Okay.

I, uh,

I better lock the door first.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Because the next time

you might not

pass those tests.

Yeah.

Hey, good shot, Ed.

Oops.

Got you with that one.

Come on.

Let's keep this rally going, huh?

Ooh.

Aw, darn you, Ed.

Winnie,

you'd never believe

what's going on in that barn.

Wilbur and that horse are...

are...

Yes, Colonel?

What about

Wilbur and the horse?

Oh, what's the use?

Where'd you put

my building blocks?

Talk to Mr. Ed

He will yakety yak a streak

And waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse,

of course, of course

And this one will talk

to his voice, his voice

You never heard

of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed

This has been a Filmways presentation.

Thank you for watching.