04x10 - Home Sweet Trailer

[bunniefuu]

Hello. I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed.

What a spread.

Hay, barley, oats, corn.

Ha, ha, smorgasbord.

Look at him.

What are all these feed bags doing on my desk?

I felt like eating buffet style today.

Well, looking like this, you look like a four-legged Jackie Gleason.

And away we go.

Oh, boy, am I a mess.

Did you finish painting the bedroom?

Yeah, but it's a sloppy job.

I was too lazy to go out and buy a new paintbrush.

Well, if you'd asked me, I'd have been glad to lend you my tail.

Thank you.

In fact, if you ever grow a roller back there, I may take you up on it.

I'll get it.

Never mind, Ed. Never mind. I'll get it.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Wilbur Post?

Yes?

Gordon Kirkwood here.

Gordon Kirkwood?

Your CO. 361st Airborne, remember?

Oh, yes. Colonel Kirkwood, sir. How are you?

Fine, fine.

Mrs. Kirkwood and I just arrived in town. I thought I'd give you a ring.

Well, I'm very glad you did, sir.

What's the matter, Wilbur?

You been drafted?

Colonel Kirkwood, sir.

Look, if you and Mrs. Kirkwood aren't doing anything,

well, how about joining us for dinner tonight?

No, no. No imposition at all, sir.

As a matter of fact, I insist.

I insist, with your permission, sir.

Well, you come on over whenever you can.

Our address is 17...

Just a minute, Wilbur.

Winnie, have you got a pencil?

Yes, of course, Colonel.

Well...

Just a minute, Wilbur.

Will you hold these, dear?

I'll be with you in a minute, Wilbur.

What was I looking for, dear?

A pencil.

Oh, yes, a pencil.

Just hold it, Wilbur. My wife's trying to find a pencil.

Hold these, Colonel.

Oh, dear. I've lost my place in the book.

Will you put your finger in that, dear?

Oh.

Just a minute, Wilbur.

Now, Wilbur, what did you say the address was?





Oh.

Valley Spring Road.

Yes.

Goodbye, sir.

You know who that was, Ed?

That was my old commanding officer, Colonel Kirkwood.

Oh, boy, he was quite a guy.

We used to call him the Big Eagle.

What a pair you two must have made.

The Big Eagle and the Little Chicken.

Oh, you are a funny horse, Ed.

Wait till Carol hears about this.

Will she be excited?

Oh, Wilbur, how could you do such a thing?

I'm a mess, the house is a mess,

the bedroom is still reeking of paint,

and you invite people for dinner.

Today of all days.

I'm sorry. It just sort of...

Well, it came out. I did it without thinking.

Like the night I proposed.

What?

I mean, it was an impulse.

Look, we've got plenty of time to get this place tidied up.

They won't be here for hours.

What's that?

Colonel Kirkwood, sir.

At ease, Wilbur. We're civilians now.

This is my wife, Winnie.

Hello, Mr. Pope.

Hello, Mrs. Colonel.

Mrs. Kirkwood.

Won't you come in?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, you can sit down here.

Thank you.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You, uh...

You and Mrs. Kirkwood plan to stay in town long, Colonel?

Well, in fact, we've decided to settle down here in Southern California.

Oh, wonderful.

Oh, Wilbur, you know there's a house right on the block

that's just been put up for sale.

Maybe you'd like to take a look at it.

That's a beautiful place, and the price is right.

And what's more, you'll be our neighbors.

No, I'm not interested in the house.

Since I retired, Winnie and I have been knocking about the country in our trailer.

It's the only way to live.

Oh, yes, and so economical.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

When those bills come in, you can just step on the gas and away you go.

Oh, that's your trailer out there, huh?

Yes, unfortunately,

there won't be a vacancy in the trailer park we want for several days.

So we've got ourselves a little problem.

A problem?

Well, look, while you're waiting, why don't you park it in our backyard?

Oh, no, we wouldn't think of imposing.

It's no imposition.

Nothing like having guests who bring along their own guest house.

Well, I certainly appreciate that, Wilbur.

I hate to leave the trailer on the street.

It takes up four parking meters.

Well, come on, Winnie, and help me back the trailer up.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Poe.

See you later.

Don't forget you're having dinner with us here.

Thanks again, Mr. Poe.

Sure, we'll see you later then.

Yes, sir.

Now, Carol, after all, they're only going to be here for a couple of days,

and while he was my commanding officer in the Air Force,

and he doesn't have a place to stay,

and I think it's un-American to throw a veteran's house out of your home.

Ed, you sure you don't mind the colonel and his wife spending a few days back here?

Oh, no.

Any ex-serviceman is welcome to stay in my yard.

Atta boy.

Of course, I won't be able to talk with you while he's around.

No.

And I won't be able to play my TV at night.

I suppose not.

And there goes our gin rummy games.

Yeah.

So let's throw them out.

Yes, sir.

This is a private home, not a U.S.O.

You stop complaining.

This is my home, and I say who stays here.

You might as well learn right now you can scream and yell and stamp your feet,

it's not going to do you a bit of good.

That is it.

I don't want to hear any more arguments out of you.

Out of who?

You.

Him.

Oh, hi, colonel.

You finish your shopping?

Wilbur, you flew a lot of missions, didn't you?

Too many, as I recall.

Uh, well, I was just looking around your trailer.

Hey, she's a beauty.

I've always wanted to buy a mobile home, but Carol gets carsick.

And riding in one of these, she's liable to get homesick.

Where's your wife?

Talking to your wife.

Ah.

You know, Mrs. Kirkwood is a fine-looking woman.

What do you think of my horse?

What do you think of my horse?

Well, he's a fat old boy, isn't he?

He's not fat.

He's pleasingly plump.

He must be at least 40 pounds overweight.

Look at the lard on that rump.

Well, of course, he is a little hippie.

A little?

If he were any fatter, he'd need a girdle.

How much exercise do you give him?

Oh, I take him out every Sunday.

Where to? A restaurant?

I'll take him to the park and take a brisk gallop around the bridle path.

He gets plenty of exercise.

Wilbur, have you forgotten your Air Force training so soon?

The way to keep fit is daily workouts.

Ah, well, Sunday is the only day that I have free.

Well, I'll be glad to ride him for you.

Yes, sir, that's what he needs.

Up at six every morning.

Out on the bridle path for a brisk two-hour gallop.

And mark my words, that lard will turn to muscle in no time.

Well, uh, look, if you want to exercise him, Colonel,

well, that's all right with me.

Give me two weeks with this boy and you'll have a new horse.

You'll have a new horse because the old one will be dead.

I've heard of cow punchers,

but there's nothing lower than a horse puncher.

These workouts will do you a lot of good.

Getting me up at six in the morning.

What am I, a horse or a rooster?

The Colonel knows what he's doing.

Before he transferred to the Air Force, he was in the cavalry.

He's an expert on horses.

So am I. I've been living in one all my life.

Well, six in the morning comes around pretty quick.

You better hit the hay early tonight, huh?

See you later, fella.

Ooh! Cut that out!

One more hit and I'm sending x-rays to the SPCA.

That drill master's got to go.

This place isn't big enough for both of us.

Have you got that butane tank hooked up yet?

It's freezing in here.

Almost finished, Winnie.

Hmm.

So they need the butane tank for heat, huh?

The master horse strikes tonight.

Bless you.

Oh, thank you.

I'm afraid I'm coming down with a dandy cold.

Oh, that's a shame, Winnie.

Wilbur!

Honey, have you found out what's wrong with the heater?

No, but I think you've got a leak in your oil line.

Oh, no. When did that happen?

Just after I bumped my head on it.

Don't bother with it anymore.

The Colonel will fix it when he gets back from his ride.

Yeah, he's been giving Ed quite a workout.

They've been gone for five hours now.

Well, Ed could use the exercise.

He's been putting on a little weight lately.

That's just baby fat.

Baby fat?

Oh, don't mind Wilbur.

He pampers Mr. Ed to death.

Well, he is an only horse.

Achoo!

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, Winnie, better come in the house

and let me get you a couple of aspirins.

Oh, thank you.

I hope the Colonel fixes the heater by tonight.

I felt like I was sleeping in an igloo.

Well, we're back.

Welcome home.

And we certainly had ourselves a wonderful workout.

Right, fella?

How did he take to the exercise?

He didn't give you any trouble, did he?

No, not at all.

Except for one thing.

I stopped at Kitty Land to get a cup of coffee,

and when I came out, where do you think I found him?

Where?

Crouched between two horses on the merry-go-round.

You'd almost think he was trying to hide from you.

He was.

Oh, I mean, he was, um...

He's very fond of kids, and what he was...

How's your wife?

I understand she was coming down with a bit of a cold.

Yeah, that butane went out on us last night.

I'd better call somebody to have it checked.

Well, I'll see you six o'clock in the morning, old fella.

Colonel, I'm awfully sorry.

That was a bad fall.

Maybe you, uh, better not ride in the morning, huh?

Nonsense.

I don't let a little thing like that stop me.

I'll be here first thing in the morning.

Ed, that was a nasty thing to do,

using judo on the colonel.

Self-defense.

The way he keeps pounding me,

I'm gonna wind up with a cauliflower tail.

Well, all right.

You'll feel better when I give you a nice rubdown

and you get some ice-cold water, huh?

Make you feel like a new horse.

Ah, here we go, fella.

What's that?

Scrap metal to help the w*r effort.

What w*r?

The one you and I are about to have.

So that's why that butane tank went out.

How did this get broken?

Just a wild guess, but I think it got kicked by a horse.

Ed, on account of you, Mrs. Kirkwood caught cold.

I'm sorry, Wilbur, but I was desperate.

I gotta get rid of that horse k*ller.

That was a terrible thing to do.

I'm gonna have to punish you.

Okay, cut out my early morning rides.

The plane is that way.

Ah-choo!

Oh, excuse me.

That cold's getting worse, dear.

We'd better check into a hotel tonight.

Oh, that won't be necessary, Colonel.

You can sleep in our house.

Oh, well, I was going to invite them, Wilbur,

but the guest room still reeks of paint.

They can use our room.

Oh, no, Wilbur, we wouldn't dream of it.

Where will you sleep?

In your trailer.

We've always wanted to try one out, haven't we, honey?

Oh, yes, always.

See? It's all set.

Well, it's awfully sweet of you, Wilbur,

but we can't let you do it.

There's no heat in there.

We'll take out plenty of blankets.

Believe me, you are doing us a favor.

This'll be a marvelous opportunity for us

to try out trailer life.

Right, honey?

Right, honey.

Wilbur, I knew you were itching to get in that trailer

the minute you saw it.

And believe me, it'll only take one night to sell you on it.

Well, come on, dear, we'd better move our things in.

Oh, excuse me.

It's awfully sweet of both of you.

Believe me, you're doing us a favor.

Right, honey?

Wrong honey.

Wilbur?

Yeah?

Here's the mail.

Oh, thanks, dear.

Wilbur, we've been sleeping in this sardine can

for two days and two nights.

When am I getting my house back?

Yeah, you like the good old trailer life, huh?

Not when I'm making payments on a house.

Well, in a few days,

this is Kirkwood's coal will be all gone.

So will your wife.

Remember, my parents have a very large house.

Would you care to swap it for a small trailer?

I hate trailers.

We can't even move in there without bumping into each other.

Dear, that's togetherness.

I promise, dear, I'll talk to the colonel today.

That's what you said yesterday.

Well, I tried to talk to him, and he was in a hurry.

He had a lot of things to do around his house.

That's our house!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's back.

Honey, I'll talk to him right away.

And I promise you,

you'll be sleeping in your little bed tonight.

I'm tired of sleeping in a little bed.

I want my big bed back.

You'll have it.

Just give me five minutes.

Five minutes.

Well, we had another grand ride today.

Look at the difference already.

You parried him home?

He's just resting.

A little nap will do him good after the workout.

If you'll excuse me,

I've got several things to do around the house.

Colonel, sir, if you can spare a minute.

Wilbur, I wish you'd stop calling me colonel.

We're civilians now.

Even better than that, we're neighbors.

That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about,

Mr. Kirkwood.

Gordon.

Okay.

Gordon, sir.

Sounds kind of funny,

calling you by your first name

after all these years of calling you

Colonel and sir and old chicken.

You, Wilbur.

Me, Gordon.

Well, I guess I'd better be getting on home.

Okay, Gordon.

See you later, Gordon.

Say, Wilbur.

Yes, Gordon.

I almost forgot.

Winnie and I would like you and Carol

to come over to the house for dinner tonight.

Think we can make it?

Well, we'd love to, Gordon.

All right, we'll look for you about 6.30.

Okay, Gordon.



And regards to Winnie and Gordon.

Well, did you have your talk with the colonel?

Yep.

What did he say?

He said to call him Gordon.

Wilbur, when are we going to get back into our house?

At 6 o'clock tonight.

Oh, that's wonderful.

We've been invited for dinner.

We've been invited to our own home for dinner?

Yes, but I'll talk to Gordon tonight, I promise you.

Wilbur, I warn you.

Tonight, if it isn't goodbye, Gordon.

Tomorrow, it's hello, mother.

What are you doing?

I want to see if our name is still on the door.

Oh, don't be silly.

Is it?

Well, come in, come in.

Good evening.

What are you all dressed up for?

Well, we always dress up when we go out.

Uh, Winnie, the posts are here.

Do come in.

Thank you.

Let me take your rack, colonel.

Oh, thank you.

My, you look nice.

Thank you, colonel.

Oh, Wilbur, Carol, I'm so glad you could come.

It was also nice of you to invite us.

Yeah.

Well, why are we so formal?

Make yourselves at home.

Sit down, sit down.

Nice place you got here.

Oh, you mean it's a nice place you've got.

We're just temporary boarders.

How about a drink before dinner?

Fine.

Where do you keep it?

It's in the kitchen.

Good, I'll be right back.

He might have trouble finding it.

Why don't you go with him?

Yeah, it'll give you two girls a chance to talk.

And it'll give you boys a chance to talk, too.

Is your cold any better?

Oh, yes, the bugs are in full retreat.

Oh, Carol, I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed your home.

We enjoyed it, too.

It seems all my life I've been on the move.

My father was an army officer, and we never did stay in one place too long.

And then when I married the colonel, of course, it was the same thing.

But then when he retired, I kept thinking we'd settle down someplace.

Oh, but I thought you loved trailer life.

The colonel loves it.

And I love the colonel.

So, that's the way it has to be.

Gee, Winnie, that's a shame.

That house down the block is such a wonderful buy.

I don't think I haven't dropped a few hints.

Subtle things like pinning a note to his pajamas.

What did he say?

Just, ouch.

I've tried everything, he just won't bite.

No, I won't, will I?

Wilbur, you were eavesdropping.

No, I wasn't.

I was just standing there watching while he eavesdropped.

Gordon, I didn't mean a word I said.

Are you sure?

Absolutely.

Well, in that case, I'd better give back these keys.

Keys to what?

Keys to the new house.

I closed the deal this morning.

Oh, Charlie!

I don't think one more night in the trailer will hurt us, do you?

No, not if we take the trailer to a motel.

Right now.

Just get behind the ears while you finish.

No, don't run too hard.

Oh, look out, you've got it in my eyes.

Stop complaining.

Next time you need a bath, I'm just going to walk you through a car wash.

Wilbur, how much longer are you going to let that mad colonel ride me?

Now admit it, Ed.

Don't you feel a lot better since he's been working you out?

No, I wasn't meant to run.

I was meant to be loved.

Now, don't worry.

He's so busy with his new house now, he won't have much time for you.

Oh, and I had such a nice low-hanging branch picked out for him tomorrow.

Come on, Ed. You know you haven't got a mean bone in your body.

Maybe not, but there's a lot of angry fat.

Yeah, you'll get used to it.

Wilbur.

Yes, Gordon.

Will you help me move our couch in?

Yes, I'll be through here in just a second.

I, uh, I guess you're so busy with your house now, you won't have much time to go riding, huh?

Oh, no, I've got plenty of time to keep our horse in shape.

Yep, we've got another date at six in the morning.

Right, fella?

Isn't that cute?

Our horse wants to share his bath with you, Gordon.

Colonel.

Sir.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yakety yak a streak and waste your time a day.

But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.