04x09 - Taller Than She

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Oh.

Ed.

Ed, what's the big idea?

It's her, Wilbur Penelope.

Hi, Robert.

Just look at her.



Oh, Penelope, kiss me, my little English beauty.

Ed, wake up!

Huh? Oh, hi. Wilbur, isn't she gorgeous?

Yeah, no doubt about it. She is beautiful.

A filly like that separates the horses from the colts.

I see what you mean. She'd be a knockout in a black lace saddle.

Please, Wilbur, you're speaking of the horse I love.

Oh, I'm very sorry. Well, look, we've got to get back.

Carol is redecorating the living room, and I promised I'd help her shop.

Please, Wilbur, let me stay to drink in the loveliness of my Piccadilly filly.

Please, Wilbur.

Okay, Ed.

Kay, do you really like this new coffee table?

Believe me, Carol, it's gorgeous.

Wilbur promised he'd be back in time to help me,

but I had to do all the shopping myself.

Now what if he doesn't like it?

Well, then you can exchange it for something more expensive.

That'll teach him to get here before the prices change.

Wilbur loses all sense of time when he's out with Mr. Ed.

Sometimes he is so inconsiderate, he makes me furious.

Look, we'll ride over there, I'll get a cup of coffee,

and then you two kids can get together, all right?

Oh, no, Wilbur. I'm afraid Penelope and I can never meet.

Well, why not?

She's taller than me.

Oh, I see. Is that why you turned around when she passed?

Well, that shouldn't make any difference, Ed.

Yes, it would. I found out she only goes with tall horses.

And you're too sensitive.

Oh, if I were only taller, why couldn't Mother have married a giraffe?

I've got to get back to Carol.

Oh, Mr. Post.

Hi.

Here's your mail.

Thanks very much, Mr. Benson.

You're welcome.

Been riding, huh?

Oh, not too much. Ed just wanted to stand there and stare at some horse.

Why? What was wrong with this horse?

Nothing. She was a doll.

I mean, to another horse she'd be a doll.

You and me wouldn't mean a thing.

Probably not.

Besides, I'm a married man.

You should have seen Ed's face when this filly went by.

Well, I mean, you know, it may sound crazy, but animals fall in love.

I believe it.

You should see the beast my brother married.

Yeah.

What's Ed's girlfriend like?

She's English.

Yeah.

And comes from a very good family.

I've never met them. They live in London.

Oh, poor kid's here all alone, huh?

Could be a break for Ed.

I mean, he won't have any mother-in-law trouble.

Oh, that's for sure.

Well, I'd better be going.

Good luck, fella.

Oh, one thing, Mr. Post.

If they get married, be sure he keeps everything in his name.

Goodbye, Mr. Benson.

Wilbur, why did you have to embarrass me like that?

Come on, Ed.

What's wrong with letting people know you're in love?

Because it's hopeless.

Penelope will never have me.

Just because she happens to be a little taller than you, huh?

A little?

Next to her, I'm a shuttling pony.

Oh, you got a little problem with Penelope.

I've got the same problem with Carol.

She isn't taller than you.

No?

I was supposed to be home here two hours ago.

And when Carol gets sore, she suddenly becomes 20 feet tall.

Wilbur, you promised me you'd be home in time to help me select a rug and some lamps.

Honey, I'm sorry. Really, I am.

What'd you buy?

You didn't even notice.

Oh, who didn't I notice?

As soon as I walked in here, I flipped over the new carpet.

New drapes?

New lamp?

Am I getting close?

You're sitting on it.

New pants?

Oh, a new coffee table.

Hey, that's beautiful, that table.

You don't really mean it.

Oh, I do, honey. It's just perfect.

Well, Wilbur, if you don't like it, we can always exchange it.

Good. Let's get an oval one.

I would like a...

Oh, look, I'm sorry. No, I didn't mean that.

Don't do that, darling.

I think the table is perfect.

You're not just saying that.

No, of course I'm not.

And one other thing.

As soon as we've had lunch, I'll take you right down and we'll pick out the rest of the stuff.

You've been saying that for the last week.

And every time I need you, you're out with Mr. Ed.

Not this time.

We're gonna forget all about Mr. Ed, dear.

I promise you, I am yours for the rest of the afternoon.

Cross my horse.

Heart! Heart! Heart!

Did you get something to eat, dear?

All right.

But don't forget your promise.

What promise?

Ooh!

Oh, yeah.

I'll get it, honey.

Oh, nice. Lovely.

Hello?

Oh, Wilbur, come quick.

I'm dying.

Hey, what's the matter?

It's my heart.

Your heart?

Hold on, Ed. I'll be right in.

Ed.

Ed, what's wrong with your heart?

It's... it's breaking.

Oh, Ed, I don't think that's funny, scaring me like that.

Take pity, Wilbur.

I'm a fool in love.

You can't go around moaning like this.

What do you intend to do?

I don't know.

This is all too new to me.

Why do I feel this way, Wilbur?

Well, Ed, I, uh...

I think it's about time we had a father-to-horse talk.

Sit down.

What?

Look, Ed, I...

I want you to listen carefully

and try to understand what I'm saying to you.

Okay, Papa.

I think we'll start with the birds and the bees.

Can't we jump right to the horses and the horses?

This is the way my father taught me about life,

and this is the way I'm going to teach you, son.

Ed.

Ah, now, um...

First, you see,

in every hive, you have the worker bee,

the queen bee, and the drone.

I'll buy that.

Thanks.

Well, you see, the worker bee works,

and the queen bee...

She sits around with the king bee.

No, they don't have any king bees.

I don't think the queen bee got too good a deal.

Ed, will you listen to me?

What's the use, Wilbur?

Penelope will never go for me.

I'm too short.

What do you want me to do, get you some elevator shoes?

Hey, that's a great idea.

Let's go get them right now.

Look, you're a crazy horse.

Next, you'll be wanting contact lenses,

and to get your nose fixed.

Well, it was your idea.

I was only kidding.

No horse ever wears lifts in his shoes.

Don't be too sure.

A lot of tall horses are trotting around,

and only their blacksmith knows.

Even if I went along with that idea,

I couldn't take you today because I promised Carol

I'd go shopping with her this afternoon.

Oh, please, Papa.

Please.

Please, Papa.

Please.

Hi.

Hi.

Is Ralph around?

He's on vacation.

I'm taking over for a couple of weeks.

Your horse need new shoes?

Yes, corrective shoes.

Corrective horse shoes?

Yeah, I want them, you know,

a little bit thicker than the regular ones.

Oh.

You mean you want me to raise him up

by an eighth of an inch?

Well, even more than that.

Six inches.

I shouldn't be any trouble.

Six inches?

Yeah, that's fine.

Oh, our horse is going to look like he's on stilts.

Well, that's okay.

The taller he is, the better.

Why do you want him to look taller?

Well, you see, he's interested in his horse,

and she's taller than he is.

Yeah?

Well, you know how embarrassing that can be.

To who?

To my horse.

Oh, to your horse.

You know, animals, they're just like people.

I mean, how would you like to go dancing with some girl

when she's taller than you are?

You mean your horse wants to go out dancing?

No, no, no, no, no.

He just wants to meet her.

Huh.

Meet who?

Well, that's this tall horse.

She's about three inches taller than he is.

Hmm.

You know what I would do if I was you, mister?

What?

I'd get the other horse to wear flats.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

That may seem pretty funny to you, fella.

You don't know how he feels.

That's right, I've never been a horse.

Look, couldn't we take about six horseshoes

and put them all together?

That would raise it up about this high.

Would that be all right? What do you think?

Yeah, yeah, that would just about do it,

but let me ask you something, mister.

Are we being honest with Penelope?

Are we?

What am I doing? I'm talking like you.

Look, look.

Look, I promised my wife I'd pick her up in about an hour.

Couldn't you get started on the shoes?

No.

I am not an orthopedic blacksmith.

You asked me to do an awful lot of hard work.

Well, you, uh, you surprised me, you know.

You're not at all like Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's blacksmith.

Very well, then. Take your horse to him.

Speaking of Longfellow's poem,

in which he immortalizes your noble profession,

under a spreading chestnut tree

the village smithy stands.

The smith, uh, how mighty man is he

with large and sinewy hands

and the muscles on his brawny arms

are strong as iron bands.

And...

no matter what a horse may need

the smith will help him.

Yes, indeed.

Ick.

You want me to raise him up six inches?

Okay.

No matter what a horse may need

the smith will help him.

Yes, indeed.

I think I'm gonna have it engraved on my anvil.

Thank goodness. There's no Wilbur Post at the emergency hospital.

Carol, will you stop worrying?

He's probably off with that silly horse again.

Oh, but he was supposed to be home two hours ago.

He promised.

Yeah.

Well, there you are, Mr. Post.

Those boots ought to cover them horseshoes pretty good.

What's her name, uh... Penelope?

Yeah, Penelope. She'll never suspect a thing.

You know, this is the first time I ever put 20 horseshoes on one horse.

I bet I tell the guys down at the stable.

Oh, yes, yes. Well, look, I'd rather you didn't tell anybody.

You know, this is kind of personal. I'd rather it didn't get around.

You know, I think you're right.

If this thing gets around, we'll both be in trouble.

Thank you very much.

Would you send me the bill? I'm in a hurry to get home.

Sure thing, Mr. Post.

You know, people are gonna wonder,

does he or doesn't he?

And no one will know for sure?

Cute, cute.

Excuse me.

Certainly.

Come on, Ed.

I gotta get home and help Carol pick out the carpeting.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh.

I can't move.

What do you mean, you can't?

These horseshoes weigh a ton.

Look, this is no time to kid around.

Who's kidding?

I feel like I'm wearing four buckets of cement.

This is all your fault.

You wanted to be taller.

But I didn't want to be heavier.

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do, you mean?

If I don't get home soon, I'll be in terrible trouble with Carol.

But I can't lift a hoof.

We'd better go home in a cab.

You and these mixed-up love affairs.

I ought to have my head examined for listening to you.

Listening to who?

Him.

You.

You.

Listen to you.

He's so loaded down with shoes, he can't move.

Now, look, Mr. Post.

You asked me to make your horse look taller.

I made him taller.

I didn't guarantee he'd be able to walk.

You've got to do something.

Haven't you got any lighter shoes?

You mean like sneakers?

Don't they make aluminum horseshoes?

Well, of course, but I don't have any in stock.

You don't expect me to run all the way downtown to the supply house, do you?

Under a spreading chestnut tree, the village smithy stands.

The smith, a mighty man is he with large and sinewy hands.

And no matter what a horse may need, the smith will help him.

Yes, indeed. I'll be back in an hour.

Go back to the barn, Ed.

Take another look, Wilbur.

For the tenth time, Ed, they look fine.

Penelope will never suspect you're wearing elevator shoes.

I hope not.

Look, I've got a lot of explaining to do to Carol.

Whatever happens, Wilbur, make sure you get custody of me.

Go back in the barn, Ed.

All right.

Here he is, the late Wilbur Post.

Carol, I don't blame you for being annoyed at me.

Don't blame you a bit, but let me explain, will you?

You see, what happens, I was out riding on Ed, of course, and I went by this blacksmith shop.

And, well, Ed's had this foot trouble.

Fallen arches.

I didn't want to tell you, dear, because I knew how you would worry.

Yeah, well, I said to myself, well, now is as good a time as any to take care of those feet

and get the arch supports that Ed so desperately needs.

Well, you see, it isn't that easy.

They've got to take foot impressions of the foot,

and they've got to send away for these aluminum horseshoes.

I didn't want to spend the time.

I said, I can't spend this kind of time, but I knew what my wife would say.

She'd say, if it's to help Ed, you spend all the time you want.

I've got a great wife here, Kay.

Most wives wouldn't be this understanding.

Most husbands would find themselves sleeping on the couch.

Yeah.

Mine.

Look, dear, I promise, tomorrow I'll take you downtown first thing.

We'll buy the carpet, pick out the drapes.

I've already done that. They'll be here in the morning,

and if you don't like it, it's just too bad.

Oh, that's silly, dear. If you like them, I'll like them.

And if you like it, there's something wrong with it.

Oh, sweetie, look, you've had a tiring day, huh?

You're tired, I'm tired. Come on.

It's off to Betty-bye.

It's off to Betty-bye.

For you, it's off to Couchie-bye.

Well, there she is, Ed.

Your little bundle from Britain.

Well, you got your wish.

You're as tall as she is.

Ed, I'll go in the clubhouse and have a sandwich,

and good luck, huh?

Oh, thanks.

And if things work out, I want you to be the best man.

Swell.

Six o'clock.

I gotta get Wilbur and Carol out of the house.

Well, I told Carol I am not sleeping on that couch anymore.

So tonight it's the barn, eh?

Carol's a wonderful girl, but you know how unreasonable she can get.

Well, uh, the whole thing is your fault.

My fault?

Why, sure.

Instead of helping the little woman,

you're out fooling around with your horse.

Now, hold everything, Ed.

Take my advice.

Tell her you love her,

then take her out on the town.

Show her a good time,

and don't come back till 3 in the morning.

Maybe you're right, Ed.

Maybe you're right, as usual.

All right, buddy boy.

Have fun, and stay late.

Three o'clock.

And now to get Carol's new furniture in here

and make this a real playhorse pag.

GROWLING

Yeah, this carrot juice feels about right.

Just a little above stall temperature.

Yeah.

GROWLING

I'm sorry we didn't see the movie, dear,

but I didn't get much sleep last night.

That's all right, honey. We can catch us some other time.

Yeah.

Here, let me help you.

Thanks, honey.

Okay, you're still up.

Do you want to stop in and have some coffee?

Not tonight, dear, no.

My golly, a cup of coffee would be lovely.

You're gonna get too tired.

Me? No, I'm wide awake.

Come on, you go ahead, dear. I'll be right after you.

I've got to take care of Ed.

All right, well, hurry. Yeah, I'll hurry.

Okay.

Whoops, my shoes.

Uh, look, honey.

Wait!

Ed, what have you done?

Be kind to me, Wilbur.

I just lost my love.

If Carol sees this, you're gonna lose your owner.

I wanted to impress Penelope,

but it looks like I goofed.

What's Carol gonna say

when she sees her living room and your stall?

Tell her the truth, Wilbur.

Tell her I did it.

Oh, fine. I tell her that,

I'll spend the rest of my life on the couch.

The psychiatrist's couch.

Help me get this stuff out of here and into our living room.

Okay.

But first, let me get rid of these Cuban heels.

The fruit!

What's the big idea?

It's such a nice day.

Let's go for a ride, huh?

No, I can't, Ed. I've got to finish these plans.

Oh, come on.

You've been sitting all morning.

Do you good to get out and stretch my legs.

Okay, Ed.

I'm glad to see you got over Penelope.

Well, you know me, Wilbur.

Love them and leave them,

especially when they leave me first.

Ed, I hope this experience has taught you one thing, Ed.

Never pretend to be something you are not.

You're right.

Besides, Penelope was not for me.

Oh, why not?

Well, I don't go for fillies

who can't hold their carrot juice.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course

Unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People yakety yak a streak

And waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed

This has been a Filmways presentation.