04x07 - Getting Ed's Goat

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

I just love to surprise Wilbur on his birthday.

Hey, I hope it's the right day or we'll both be surprised.

Hey, where'd you come from?

Beat it, goat.

This is a private party.

Guests by invitation only.

Go on, go on.

Beat it.

Before old Wilbur gets here,

I better find some matches and get these candles lit.

Let's see.

No matches.

I could get a spark by hitting my back shoes together.

No, that's too dangerous.

Might set my tail on fire.

Oh, well.

Hey, cut that out.

It's not your birthday, you crazy goat.

I told you to beat it.

Now you're going to catch it.

Take off those horns and step outside.

Oh, you are hungry, huh?

Shh, that's Wilbur.

Now lay low till I soften him up.

Hello, Ed.

Happy birthday, buddy boy.

You keep scaring me like that,

it's liable to be my last one.

Well, thank you very much anyway, Ed.

I've been so busy with these Benson plans,

I forgot it was my birthday.

I didn't.

Read my poem, Wilbur.

It's under your blueprint.

Oh, well.

No, the other side.

Where?

Oh.

Yeah.

Ah.

Happy birthday, beloved boss,

straight from the heart of your little horse.

I pray together we'll always be

like bacon and eggs,

the toast is on me.

Beautiful, Ed.

No horse ever wrote a lovelier poem.

I meant every word, Wilbur,

because you love all us animals.

The horse, man's best friend.

Yeah.

The dog.

The cat.

The goat.

Goat?

Man's second best friend.

What are you talking about?

No.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

My new riding boots.

Ed, where did that goat come from?

Now at your age,

must I explain the facts of life?

You get your mooching friend out of here.

Is that clear?

Oh, he must be lost and lonely, Wilbur.

He's got no roof over his head.

He probably ate it.

Get rid of him.

Well, it looks like you'll have to go.

All right, you win.

I'll take care of you.

Only stop calling me mother.

Wilbur's been hinting for a new golf sweater.

It's the first one I've ever knitted.

Gee, I hope it isn't too big.

Well, if it is,

we'll either shorten the sweater or stretch Wilbur.

Okay, keep your eyes open.

Wilbur should be home from the market any minute now,

and we want this to be a complete surprise.

Well, all right.

Oh, Carol,

wait till you see the beautiful golf clubs I got Wilbur.

He's going to flip.

A whole set of clubs?

That must have cost a fortune.

$174.50 to be exact.

And my sister did it the hard way.

No trading stamps.

Okay, but you shouldn't have done it.

That's what I kept telling her.

But I wanted to.

Now every time Wilbur hits a golf ball,

he'll think of me.

But $174.

And 50 cents.

You know that's more than I earn

in a full month on the unemployment line.

Oh, there he is.

Oh, quick, everybody hide.

Turn off the lights.

Okay, you kids hide.

I'll turn them off.

Carol?

How come the lights are out?

Are you in here, hon?

Surprise!

Surprise!

Oh, are you all right?

Here, honey, here's a napkin.

We just wanted to surprise you.

You did?

Oh, what's the matter?

I think I swallowed the candles.

You're going to have to light them from the inside.

Well, happy birthday, neighbor.

Okay, for me?

Oh, you shouldn't have.

I mean, they're so expensive.

Yeah, $174.

Brother dear, why don't you go back in the house

and play with your block?

Wait till you get the feel of them.

They're just beautiful.

Yeah, let me, Paul.

Just look at them, Wilbur.

$174.50 worth of golf clubs.

But brother dear, it isn't polite

to tell anyone what a gift costs.

Why not?

You have to give them some idea

of how much to spend on you for Christmas.

Yeah, see, I want to thank you again, Kate.

They are just beautiful.

Wilbur?

Oh.

Happy birthday, darling.

Thank you.

This is for me.

Oh.

It's a new golf sweater.

Oh, great.

Let me try it on.

Try it on for size.

I don't want to get any icing on it.

Oh, it'll look great with your new golf clubs.

Yeah, if Paul lets me use them.

Oh, you can have them Wednesday.

That's when I pick up my unemployment check.

Gee, the sleeves are a little too long, aren't they?

Oh, no, this is something I've always wanted.

It's a combination of sweater and mittens.

Well, honey, I can always shorten them.

Yeah, all right, okay.

Oh, I'll get that.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Will you come out here, Wilbur?

Please.

It's important.

Oh, yes, yes, Mr. Benson.

I'll check on that right away, yes.

Excuse me.

Mr. Benson wants me to check the plans.

I'll be right back.

Can't it wait?

It'll only be a second, dear.

Happy birthday, Paul.

Oh, thanks.

That's beautiful, Herbert.

When Wilbur sees this, he'll let you stay.

Now, keep it up.

Don't lose your nerve.

Steady.

Steady, boy.

That's beautiful.

That's it.

Easy.

Hey, what is going on here?

Oh, Wilbur, isn't it amazing what you can teach an animal to do?

I don't care if you taught him the saxophone.

I told you to get rid of him.

I just couldn't, Wilbur.

My mother never turned away a hungry stranger.

Okay, we'll send him to your mother.

If you knew this little guy's story, Wilbur, it would tear your heart out.

Born on the wrong side of the garbage dump.

Product of a broken home.

Mother running around with fast goats.

Father coming home smelling from beer cans and old wine bottles.

And poor little Herbert.

Cast adrift at the age of two.

A four-legged hobo.

Eating anything to keep whisker and tail together.

Oh, please, Wilbur, give this kid the chance he's never had.

Give him a home and love.

What do you say?

You win again, Perry Mason.

He can stay until I find him another place.

Bless you, Wilbur.

You know, you're lucky, Ed.

If you get thirsty during the night, you can always have some nice fresh goat's milk.

I doubt it. His name's Herbert, remember?

Wilbur!

Good night, Ed.

Wilbur, we thought we heard a goat.

A goat?

No, it must have been a stray dog.

Well, if it is, it's the first dog I ever heard that went maaah.

Daddy, do we have any neighbors that have any goats?

Well, as a matter of fact,

Paul, I certainly appreciate you breaking in my birthday sweater.

May I borrow it sometime?

Oh, sure, sure.

Uh-oh.

I can't get it off, Wilbur. The zipper's stuck.

Oh, come on, brother dear. Just pull it over your head.

Paul!

Oh, you brother is so...

Paul!

Don't look.

You're not really gonna send the little fellow away, are you, Wilbur?

I'm sorry, Ed, but we can't have animals around here that do bad things.

Name me one bad thing that goat did.

He butted Kay's brother.

Name me one bad thing that goat did.

Don't bother me now, Ed.

Mr. Benson's coming by first thing in the morning to see these plans.

I want to make sure everything is ship-shaped.

You must be kidding with that corny Gothic arch.

It's coming back. It's quite the thing in Italy.

So's pizza, but you don't put it in buildings.

I didn't ask for your advice, Ed.

I adjure a horse, not an architect.

Oh, yeah? How about the hodgekiss plans I drew last month?

They were all out of proportion.

Only because the compass got stuck in my nose.

Go back to your own office.

Uh-oh.

Good night, Ed.

Wilbur?

What?

If I promise to keep Herbert in my stall, will you let him stay?

I'm sorry, Ed, but no. Not after what he did to Paul.

How can you send this little orphan out into the storm?

No mother, no father.

He's got nobody but his Uncle Wilbur.

Uncle Wilbur, huh?

Well, all right, Ed.

Maybe I'm an old softy, but I'll talk to Paul first thing in the morning.

Good night, Ed.

Good night, nephew.

Well, I got you in the family.

You're welcome.

But I warn you, another false move and you'll be getting your meal at the animal shelter.

Rrrr!

Rrrr!

Rrrr!

Hey! What was that?

Oh, it was me.

If I wasn't chicken, I'd have my adenoids out.

Hey, what are you doing?

You're eating the Benson plans.

They'll have to x-ray you to make the building.

Cut the alibis and get back to bed, you walking garbage disposal.

Go on, go on.

Gee, I can't let Wilbur find out.

I gotta draw these plans over from memory.

Well, they don't taste bad.

Come in, Mr. Benson.

Thank you.

Mr. Benson, I really think I have outdone myself.

You're gonna have a home you'll be proud of.

Well, I'm sure I am. After all, that's why my wife and I picked you to draw up the plans.

Thank you. I've got a surprise for you.

Wait until you see where I have put the fireplace.

Ah, yes, the fireplace. They...

In the ceiling?

Yep. I knew you meant the ceiling.

Oh.

Why is this sliding glass door opening into this wall?

I have got that.

Where?

In my bathroom.

Did you have to put it in the middle of the front lawn?

In the shower, in the living room.

Look, something's happened here. Somebody's been fooling around with these plans.

Windows in the floor and the cellar in the attic, I...

Mr. Post, you really should not drink when you're working.

Mr. Benson, these are not your plans, really.

Why don't I call you as soon as I've found them?

Do you have my telephone number?

Of course.

Well, tear it up!

Mr. Benson, Mr. Benson!

You wouldn't hit a woman, would you?

No, but I might slug a horse.

Okay, Ed, where are the Benson plans?

You know the book, Inside Europe?

Yes.

Well, the plans are inside Herbert.

Oh, you mean he ate them?

Paper clips and all.

I'll k*ll him. Where is he? Where is he?

Ed, this is all your fault. Where is he?

He disappeared.

What do you mean, disappeared? A goat just can't vanish into thin air?

Could be he began nibbling on his tail and ate himself up.

Ed!

Ed!

Ed!

Ed!

Ed!

Ed?

That goat goes to the animal shelter.

If my friend goes, I go.

Do you mean that, Ed?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

I never thought Wilbur would do this to me.

Sending me to an animal shelter like I was some kind of animal.

Don't you worry, Herbert. I'll bust you out of here.

I've got a plan.

Hey, Skunky, we gotta get the keeper out here.

Distract him, then make a break.

Nothing personal, honey, but would you mind turning the other way?

Hey, let's hear a little noise from you cats and dogs.

Come on, dog, bark.

That a boy. Keep it up, only louder.

Start a riot.

Meow, meow.

k*ll the keeper, k*ll the keeper.

k*ll the keeper, k*ll the keeper.

What do you know? I'm the bird horse of Alcatraz.

Okay, hogs, let's have it.

k*ll the keeper, k*ll the keeper.

Keep it up now.

Come on, everybody, that's it.

Reach, apes, k*ll the keeper. Come on, bird.

Bark, bark, bark.

Hey, you.

Okay, quiet.

What's going on out here? You heard me. Be still, will you?

Quiet, dog.

Well, how'd he get out?

Come on out, lady. You see, there's lots of pets here for your little boy.

Now, what do you have in mind?

Well, do you have some dog with a pedigree?

Well, I don't know. When we pick up a dog, it isn't carrying its papers.

It could be a mutter, it could be lassie, you know what I mean?

Mommy, I want a horse. I want that horse over there.

Oh, no, you can't have him, dear.

Anyway, a horse isn't a good pet for a kid.

I want that horse.

Ow.

k*ll the keeper, k*ll the keeper.

Who said that? Who said that?

Excuse me.

I've changed my mind about the horse.

I want to take him home.

You can't take him. He's my horse.

No, no, sonny. He's my horse.

Why, you little...

bundle of joy.

Come, Rocky. Mother will take you to a pet shop.

Buy him a mule, lady, or something that'll kick him back.

If you want the horse back, Mr. Post, I've got to get some papers for you to sign.

Well, Ed, you're going home.

Ed, I don't blame you for feeling hurt,

but believe me, I only intended to leave you here for one day,

just to teach you a lesson.

But I think you taught me a lesson.

You stuck by your friend when he needed you.

Can we take Herbert home with us?

You bet we can.

Come on, little Herbert. Come on, boy.

Down you come. That's a boy.

You promised not to change your mind.

Why should I change my mind?

For one thing, Herbert's eating your coat.

Here's your lunch, Herbert.

I got you the best.

Some of these cans are imported.

You're welcome.

Good news, Ed. I finished the Benson plans, and he loves them.

Oh, swell.

I took care of Herbert, too. I just got him a job at the circus.

Oh, no, you're not.

Not what?

sh**ting my buddy out of a cannon.

Oh, it's nothing like that.

He's going to be a partner for Hazel, a dancing goat.

A dancing goat?

Come in, Roland.

Yeah!

People yackety-yack a streak and waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed

This has been a Filmways presentation.