05x19 - Ed's Cold Tail

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Brown Beauty

Brown Beauty, owned by Richard Hamilton III.

Probably the most pampered horse in the country.

Pampered, huh?

Some horses are lucky.

Me, I was born on the wrong side of the racetrack.

Among other luxuries,

Brown Beauty's stall is kept at an even temperature all year

with a special heating system.

Bet if I asked Wilbur for a heating system,

he'd give it to me right between the eyes.

Here he comes.

Maybe I'll throw him a few hints.

Hi, Ed.

Nice day, isn't it, huh?

The sun is shining, the birds are singing.

And your horse is freezing.

Is that your teeth?

That's not a dice game going on in my mouth.

Take a look at my tail, Wilbur.

See if it's blue.

Oh, Ed.

Blue tail.

Watch next.

All right.

Your tail isn't blue.

Look, Ed, I'm not cold.

How is it you are?

Horses don't wear clothes, you know.

Look, if you're cold,

I'll plug in that electric heater there

and you can back up to it.

Never mind.

If my tail catches on fire, I'll wind up unnoticed.

What do you want me to do?

How about putting a special heating system in my stall?

Oh, stop.

It would cost a fortune.

Carol would never stand for it.

Who's the boss in this family?

I am.

Then how come you need her permission

to spend your own money?

Because I love her and I respect her.

And you're chicken.

That, too.

I couldn't possibly ask Carol

to let me put a heating system in the stall.

She'd think I was out of my mind.

If you're cold, a little exercise will warm you up.

Uh, how about a nice game of ping-pong?

All right.

You think you're a good ping-pong player, don't you?

Think?

I am.

Okay, let's make a bet.

If you beat me, I'll forget about the heating system.

If I beat you, you'll ask Carol for it.

Okay?

Okay.

I know where it is.

I know where it is.

Oh, and Ed, while we're playing, don't open your mouth.

We've been running out of ping-pong ba*ls lately.

Yeah, very funny.

Oh!

Five points for you.

Point, game, match, and heating system.

Okay, Ed, I'll ask Carol.

I doubt if she'll go for it.

If that rich horse can have his own heating system, so can I.

Oh, Ed, you are spoiled.

But what's the use of having a mouth

if you can't complain once in a while?

I don't have enough room to store the food for Wilbur and me.

I just don't know what to do.

Either get a bigger refrigerator or a smaller husband.

We've had this box since the day we got married.

Won't Wilbur buy you a new one?

He's funny that way.

Once he gets the thing, he likes to hold on to it.

That should give you a feeling of security.

Oh, Winnie, I've got to get him to buy me a bigger model.

What size do you have?

Oh, it's huge.

We have enough frozen TV dinners to start another channel.

Hiya, girls.

Hi, honey.

Hi, dear.

Excuse my cold hands,

but it's kind of chilly in that barn, you know.

As a matter of fact, I was wondering,

why don't we put up a heating system in the barn?

It won't be expensive.

I'm not going to do the whole barn.

I thought Ed Stahl would...

Well, see, when Ed faces the heater, his tail's cold.

And then when he backs up to the heater,

his tail's warm, but his nose is cold.

And then if he wants to keep everything warm

by spinning around, he gets dizzy.

So what do you say, dear?

How about buying a bigger refrigerator?

And that'll keep Ed warm, huh?

Wilbur, I mean it.

I just don't have room for all this food.

Oh, dear, we've been through all that before.

You just don't know how to arrange things, see?

She's never learned the art of stacking.

A strange thing to say about a girl who's 36, 22, 36.

Yeah, well, look, Carol,

you see, if you place things here scientifically,

you'll have twice as much storage space,

and you will not need a new refrigerator.

That's all there is to it.

Watch me.

Right away.

These are half empty.

Watch what I do.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

There we are.

And throw it away.

I hope you noticed what I did.

Yes, you poured the buttermilk into the orange juice.

Right.

I'm dying to see what he does

with the lamb chops and the ice cream.

Yes, well, we just take our canned goods first,

and we place them towards the back and to the side.

Out of reach, yet handy.

There we are.

Now, next comes the butter.

We, of course, use this offener,

so this goes to the front.

Now, we, uh, we then take our turkey.

We've left a lot of room here.

We can squeeze in the whole bird.

There we are.

A little help.

Turkey, butter, cans.

Now, the eggs.

What do we do with our eggs?

Squeeze them back into the turkey.

Or you could fry them and stack them.

Both excellent suggestions,

but, uh, we'll do it scientifically.

Slide them into the side.

There, you see?

Poultry, butter, milk.

Milk.

We shall slide naturally next to the eggs.

There we are.

Now, what do we have left?

Lamb chops and ice cream.

We have left room for the meat down by our poultry.

There we are.

Ice cream, of course, in the freezer.

Door.

And close our old door.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh, dear, you've, uh, you've got a lot of cleaning up to do,

so I'll just get out of your way.

Remember, Carol, you married him for better or for worse.

Tomorrow may be better.

The nerve of Carol.

Telling Wilbur I can't have my own heating system.

Well, this ought to prove I'm cold.

That cold tail ought to melt Wilbur's heart.

Brr!

Oh, I'm cold.

I can't feel my tail, Wilbur.

Ed, you can forget about a heating system.

Carol said no, and her no is a lot colder than it is in here.

I tell you, Wilbur, I can't feel a thing back there.

I'm a dead-end horse.

I'll take a look.

But believe me, it just isn't that cold.

And your tail is not that cold.

You see?

Ed, your tail,

that's frozen stiff.

I told you.

I tried to chase a fly off my back before,

but he just sat there laughing at me.

It's not that cold out here.

What caused this?

Thin blood.

I come from a long line of cold tails.

You do?

It's in the family genes.

My mother must have been frightened by a penguin.

Ed, I just can't believe this.

That tail is frozen solid.

Yeah.

I'll have to wait for the spring thaw

before I can wave at the fillies again.

Wilbur, don't be ridiculous.

What do you mean Ed's tail is frozen stiff?

Carol, you can hang your washing on it.

But frozen in this weather?

Well, his family has thin genes.

In their blood.

What I'm...

Look, we've either got to get him a heating system

or a wool sweater.

Wilbur, you're just making this all up.

No, you want to see for yourself?

Go out in the barn.

If his tail is not frozen stiff,

I'll get you that new refrigerator.

Well, you have got yourself a deal.

Now that I've convinced Wilbur I need a heating system,

I can defrost my tail.

Nothing like the feel of a warm, bushy tail.

If human beings had any sense,

they'd grow one.

His tail is frozen stiff.

Thank you, Ed, for my new refrigerator.

It looks like I goofed.

With a capital G.

Now, Wilbur, be fair.

Ed's tail was not stiff.

It was frozen stiff.

As a matter of fact, it felt hot.

Now, when do I get that new refrigerator you promised?

Felt hot, huh?

Gee.

I wonder if cold tails ever skipped a generation.

Oh, excuse me, Carol.

She's right.

She's right. Your tail does feel hot.

Think maybe it's got a fever?

Your tail has a fever?

Who knows? I'm a horse, not a doctor.

Well, Ed, the main thing is

you don't feel cold anymore, right?

Wrong.

I get cold spells, then hot spells.

Wilbur, you think maybe my tail's gonna drop off?

No, I don't think maybe your tail's gonna drop off.

Well, I hope not.

I'm kind of attached to it.

Wilbur, when do I get my new heating system?

Well, not right away, Ed.

You see, I'll have to wait

till Carol gets off this new refrigerator kick.

And meanwhile, what's your cold little horsey supposed to do?

I don't know. Pray for a heat wave.

Wise guy.

I can't get over Wilbur

telling me I can have a new refrigerator

then going back on his promise.

Men.

That's right, dear. Get rid of your frustrations.

That's what I do when I get mad at the colonel.

I fix the turkey and knock the stuffing out of it.

I think there's some way,

just some way I could convince him.

I know.

We'll appeal to his pride.

His pride?

Sure. Some husbands have it even after years of marriage.

Winnie, why are you turning down the thermostat?

Turning it down?

I'm pulling it out.

I don't get it.

Now that your refrigerator broke down,

you'll have to use mine.

Oh, and Wilbur will be ashamed

to keep his groceries at a neighbor's house.

How clever of you, Winnie.

It's like having your food live out.

Hi, Winnie. Dinner finished yet?

I'm famished.

In a few minutes, Colonel.

Well, uh, while I'm waiting,

I think I'll take a little bite out of the refrigerator.

Fine. And after that, you can nibble on the sink.

No, Colonel.

That lamp isn't ours. It belongs to the post.

What did it do, jump the fence

and climb into our refrigerator?

Carol's refrigerator broke down,

and I told her she could store her food in ours

until they get a new one.

What are we running from?

Are we running a food locker business?

Oh, stop being so grumpy, dear,

and eat your salad.

I see you're eating our tomato.

Oh, go ahead, Gordon. Be our guest.

Oh, I'm sorry, Colonel.

I forgot. The tomatoes are theirs.

But the lettuce is ours.

No, no, no, no. Come on, Gordon.

You go ahead and eat our tomato.

Oh, no, Colonel.

I don't want to borrow food from the neighbors.

Now, Winnie, don't be silly.

What's the world coming to when two friends can't share a tomato?

Well, all right, Wilbur.

We'll keep your tomato on one condition

if you take our lettuce.

That'll make you any happier.

No, Colonel. That's their lettuce now.

Well, at this rate, I won't be eating dinner before breakfast.

Well, look, if you'll excuse me,

I've got to pick out a few things for dinner tonight.

Uh, oh, sure.

All our stuff is way in the back here.

Well, pardon me.

Excuse me.

Let's see. That's yours.

No, that's yours. That's ours.

This is... Oh, that's yours.

This is ours.

Uh, pardon me.

You're not drinking that anyway.

Let's see. Here. Yeah.

That's... Eggs are yours.

Here. Yeah.

Here. I'll put this over here.

Excuse me.

This is the leftovers I was looking for.

Aren't those our lamb chops?

I don't know. I never forget a face.

But to me, lamb chops all look alike.

No, no. No, I'm sure.

You see, uh, these are ours.

I put our initials on the panties.

What do you do with your steaks, Brandon?

That's very funny. Very funny.

Look, don't let me disturb you. Go ahead and eat your salad.

Eat it? I can't even find it.

Sorry. Here. I'll put this stuff away.

There.

Right there. This over here.

Uh, Wilbur, uh, when are you buying Carol a new refrigerator?

Oh, we're not gonna get a new one. I'm gonna fix up the old one.

Oh, well, they're having a fabulous sale at Mayfair.

They have a beauty that's even larger than ours.

What would I want with all that room?

So your lamb chops will have a home of their own.

And, uh, we just get the milk away.

There. All the food is tucked away for the night,

and I'll be on my way.

Wilbur.

You know, I think you should get Winnie

that larger model she was talking about.

Ten-two.

No, wait a minute.

I'm gonna get that heating system in here

if I have to use every trick in the book.

What a ridiculous-looking horse.

I hate to fool Wilbur,

but who else have I got to fool?

Oh, Wilbur.

Hey, it's a beautiful day out.

It's a beautiful day.

How about slipping in the old saddle and go...

Ed.

Stocking cap, a shawl, hot water bottles.

You look like Nanook of the North.

Very hot.

What did you say?

Very.

Very what?

Ed, I can't hear you.

You'll have to speak louder.

Laryngitis.

You've lost your voice.

Ed, you're back to being a dumb animal again.

Ed, can you let me know what you want

so I can get it for you?

You do want something in, huh?

Well, what is it?

Well, I got it.

We'll play charades, okay?

Fine.

How many words is it?

Three. Three words.

Okay.

Now, first word.

Give me a hint.

Wink.

It's a wink.

No.

Sink.

Think.

Brink.

No.

But it has to do with the eyeball.

Eye socket.

Eyebrow.

Eye.

Eye.

First word is eye.

What's the second word?

Yeah.

What do you want here?

The feed box.

Feed.

Feed.

Breed.

Seed.

Heed.

Need.

Ah, need.

Ah, that's the word.

Need.

Good boy, Ed.

Good boy.

Okay, third word.

Come on.

Third word.

Huh?

What are you doing in there?

I got it.

Hay.

Hay.

No, it's not hay.

Uh, eat.

Sounds like eat.

Uh, sounds like.

Sounds like.

I got it.

Sounds like eat.

Heat.

I need heat.

Is that what you're trying to say, Ed?

Forget it.

I'm sorry.

Carol won't go for it.

Look, if you've got laryngitis in the morning, I'll call a vet.

Nice try.

Good night, Ed.

Now, where did I goof up?

Hey, I got my voice back.

What am I talking about?

I never lost it.

Coming to bed, honey?

Wilbur?

He's never had laryngitis before.

Who?

Ed.

Ed?

Our horse has laryngitis?

You haven't heard a peep out of him all evening, have you?

No.

And before, when I said goodnight to the cat, it didn't answer me either.

The silly thing just meowed.

Carol, why don't we get a heating system for the stall?

Ed's cold.

He's an only horse.

I mean, it isn't as if we were blessed with two.

Wilbur, I am fond of Mr. Ed, too.

But it's warm out now, and he just doesn't need it.

Good night, honey.

Maybe I'll get some hot milk for his throat.

Carol?

Do we have any milk?

Yes, but it's over at the Kirkwoods.

We can't afford a new refrigerator.

Stick him up!

Oh!

Oh, hi.

Gordon, that was a foolhardy move.

Yelling, stick him up.

What if I'd been a real burglar and armed?

You'd have wound up with a lot worse than milk all over you.

Think that over tomorrow when you're not speaking to me.

Ed, I got some cough syrup for you.

It doesn't taste very good.

In fact, it tastes pretty horrible.

But I'm sure it'll soothe your...

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Your tailgate is down.

I had no choice.

I called every turkey's bath in town,

but they don't take horses.

Ah, Ed, it's nice to see you getting your voice back.

This, uh, this cough medicine ought to do it.

Ugh, woes me.

The lid's stuck.

I'll get the pliers out of the toolbox.

No, don't bother, Wilbur.

No bother.

Uh-oh.

You know, for a horse with laryngitis,

you shouted pretty loud.

I have the type that comes and goes.

You see how it works?

Yeah.

Yeah, I, uh, I see how it works.

You've been putting on a nest.

You weren't cold at all.

As usual, you're just a big phony.

Well, you might say that,

but, uh, couldn't you say it another way?

Do you realize the trouble you've caused me?

Uh, holler at me later, Wilbur,

but first get me out of this crazy woolen underwear.

It itches.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Putting on an act,

getting me into arguments with Carol and Gordon,

Carol causing all these arguments,

making me worry about you.

Stop, Wilbur.

You're tickling me.

Oh, be quiet.

You charged this whole thing to me, didn't you?

Stop it.

Oh, Winnie, just wait till you see my new refrigerator.

It'll be delivered tomorrow.

You can thank me, Carol.

If I hadn't jammed up your old refrigerator,

Wilbur never would have bought you a new one.

It's times like this makes me glad I'm a bachelor.

Morning, Ed.

Hey, Wilbur, guess what I heard on the phone.

What? What did you hear?

Well, your wife...

Yeah?

Hey, wait. This could start a fight.

You'd split up, she gets custody of me,

and I see you only on Father's Day.

Forget it, April Fool.

I didn't hear a thing.

¶ A horse is a horse, of course, of course

¶ And no one can talk to a horse, of course

¶ That is, of course, unless the horse is a famous Mr. Ed

¶ Go right to the source and ask the horse

¶ He'll give you the answer that you endorse

¶ He's always on a steady course

¶ Talk to Mr. Ed

¶ People yackety-yack a streak

¶ And waste your time a day

¶ But Mr. Ed will never speak

¶ Unless he has something to say

¶ A horse is a horse, of course, of course

¶ And this one will talk to his voice, his horse

¶ You never heard of a talking horse?

¶ Well, listen to this

¶ I am Mr. Ed

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