05x17 - Ed's Contact Lenses

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

The Horse Game

I'm pooped.

How long have we been out riding?

Two minutes.

That's enough. Let's go home.

Wait a minute. Don't start that.

You're not fooling me, you know.

You're not tired.

You just want to get back to the barn

and finish that detective book of yours.

It's a great spy story, Wilbur.

Four murders, three stabbings,

a hanging, bombing, judo fight,

and a body in the river.

Hey, that sounds pretty exciting.

The second page was even better.

Was it?

What happens on the second page?

Oh, the hero starts making love.

First the gorgeous brunette,

then the beautiful blonde,

and then the swinging redhead.

Only that one he doesn't go for.

Why not?

Because she turns out to be an FBI man.

Well, that'll put a damper on any romance, won't it?

Say, I think I'll go over to the shack

and get a little sandwich.

Want to come along?

No, thanks.

Well, you want me to bring you something back?

No, thanks.

The grass looks good here.

Think I'll have lunch on the city.

Yes, I'll take it in a minute.

Mister?

Excuse me.

You want a Palomino?

Yeah, where did he go?

Right over there.

I'd have waited till he got back in the barn.

Did you read a book?

Oh, he's not really reading.

He's just pretending to read.

But how come I saw him turning the pages?

Oh, well, he...

He just imitates everything I do.

When you read a book,

you turn the pages with your tongue.

No, no.

But I've wet my finger.

That's the same principle.

Excuse me.

Yeah, but wait a minute.

Mister, look, there's one thing about this...

Oh, no, no.

Don't take them off, mister.

That's the funniest looking thing I ever saw in my life.

A horse wearing glass.

That's the most ridiculous thing I ever saw in my life.

A horse wearing glasses.

I...

Now, that wasn't nice of him to do.

Well, he's sensitive.

You should never make fun of anyone who wears glasses.

But an animal?

Supposing your cat wore glasses.

Would you like it if my horse laughed at him?

Mister, my cat don't wear glasses.

Let's see.

How many mice has he caught lately?

Well, I never...

Not many.

Then I suggest you have his eyes checked.

I'll talk it over with my wife and...

I still say it's the most stupid thing I ever saw in my life.

A horse wearing glasses.

Pay no attention to what he says.

He's right.

A horse looks like a jackass in glasses.

That is not true. People wear glasses.

They also wear toupees.

And don't tell me I'd look good in one of those.

What... What are you doing?

Ed, what...

No, Ed, no, don't!

Ed, why did you do that?

I'm never wearing glasses again.

Now, how are you gonna read?

I want contact lenses.

Contact lenses?

May I come in?

No, Ed, you can't come into the house.

Not even if I wipe my feet on the mat?

No.

You know you're not allowed to come in here.

Why not? I left you in my barn.

What is it you want?

Contact lenses.

Not that. There's no such thing as contact lenses for horses.

Besides, I'm still angry at you for breaking your glasses.

That fellow in the park said I looked ridiculous in glasses, and he was right.

He was not.

He was, too.

You know what they say.

Fillies don't make passes at horses who wear glasses.

You go back to the barn before Carol sees you here.

She'll blow her top.

Now, wait.

Just one question before you close the door.

What?

May I come in?

No.

Careful.

I can't hear a word you're saying.

Now get back in the barn.

Will you buy me contact lenses?

If it's the money, I'm sure the SPCA will kick in half.

Kid, I told you to go to the barn.

But without my glasses, I can't finish my spy story.

Gee, I'll never know if that blonde is also an FBI man.

You should have thought of that before you broke your glasses.

Now go listen to your radio.

Without my glasses, who can find it?

Stop making things up. You can see perfectly well.

You only use the glasses for reading.

And for looking ridiculous.

Get out of here. Go back to your barn.

Go on.

You crazy horse, you.

Crazy horse?

Yeah, well, it was Ed. He...

Kid, let me give you a hand here.

What did you buy there, dear?

Rennie and I were driving back from the market

and we passed by this adorable hat shop.

Honey, wait till you see what I bought.

You'll say it's worth every penny.

Well, it depends. How many pennies did it cost?

Well, before we were married,

you used to say I looked beautiful in hats.

And when I told you how much they cost,

it didn't seem to bother you.

That was when your father was paying for them.

Oh, you'd love this one.

Well?

That's beautiful.

I'm glad you bought the hat.

Oh, thank you, honey.

And I don't care what it costs.

Oh, thank you, darling.

What, about $25?

I'm only kidding, dear. I don't care.

Look, I don't even want to see the receipt.

Oh, honey.

I'll bet Gordon doesn't care

what Winnie spent for her hat.

I don't care either. It's his money.

Look, dear, I've got to go out

and pick up a few things for Ed.

See you later. It's beautiful, beautiful.

$35.

Tell me, Doctor,

what size contact lenses do you make?

We make all sizes.

Well, the average contact lens

is smaller than your little fingernail.

You got any the size of a silver dollar?

There is no eyeball that size, sir.

Wanna bet?

I beg your pardon?

Do you make house calls?

No, I'm sorry.

You'll have to come down to my office.

No, I'd only crowd up your waiting room.

What were you talking to now?

An optometrist.

He wants to fit me for contact lenses.

Let's go.

Wait till you see what I've got here, Ed.

Come on, take a look.

Come on.

I bought some frames, see?

Some eyeglass frames.

Huh? Is that you?

Neat but not gaudy.

Just pick out the pair you want

and I'll have the glasses put in.

No, I don't want glasses.

I don't, I don't, I don't.

Wait till you see yourself in these.

This gives you a real

dignified, professional look.

What do you think?

I think I look like a dignified,

professional jackass.

Ed, there's nothing wrong with wearing glasses.

A lot of great people in history have worn glasses.

Ah, you take the famous rough rider, Teddy Roosevelt.

He wore glasses.

Yeah, but if his horse wore glasses,

he'd have been laughed off San Juan Hill.

You don't like those?

Here we are.

Try these.

These are the latest thing.

Take a look at this.

Rhinestone studded, huh?

Affluent but not ostentatious.

The latest thing.

Fit nicely.

All right.

What do you think?

They look adorable with my high heels.

Ed, you are not getting contact lenses.

Now, do you want a pair of reading glasses

or do you want to go without glasses?

Let's compromise.

Buy me one contact lens

and I'll make believe I'm looking through a keyhole.

Let's forget the whole thing.

You just get back into your stall.

But I've got to finish my book.

Will you read to me tonight?

No.

I promised Gordon I'd drop over and see his new telescope.

Now get back into your stall.

Oh.

I'm getting contact lenses

if I have to go out and work for them.

Hold it, Ed.

That's one bad habit you don't want to get into.

Colonel.

Colonel.

Huh?

I bought something today.

What do you think of it?

It's very nice, dear.

But you didn't even look at it.

Very nice.

Beautiful shoes, Winnie.

I didn't buy shoes.

Colonel, look.

Very nice dress, dear.

Oh, Winnie, this is incredible.

Why, I can see every valley on the moon.

It suddenly went black, Winnie.

Winnie, I think I'm catching an eclipse.

Well, there's a lot of it going around.

Madame Olga's hat shop.

Thanks for the idea of the dress and shoes, dear.

I'll go out and buy them first thing in the morning.

Now I know what Galileo's poor wife must have gone through.

Hey.

Hey, boy.

Hey, Winnie.

They're watching us from the moon.

A big eye is staring back at me.

Take me to your leader.

My earthling?

Oh, won't you ever grow up?

Just kidding, Gordon.

Hey, this is beautiful.

Can I have a look at this?

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Ooh, beautiful.

Ah, there's the moon, the stars.

They're up there all right.

Yeah.

That's my house.

My TV aerial.

My patio.

Hey, there's Carol.

Madame Olga's hat shop.

Hey, she paid $52 for that hat.

Don't fight it, Wilbur.

I didn't.

It's costing me a dress and shoes.

Oh, there's the stables.

Boy, this thing is so clear.

Hey, there's Ed.

Oh, it's as if he was just a foot away.

His lips are moving.

He's trying to tell me something.

Get me those contact lenses or there'll be trouble.

You can't scare me with those threats.

Who doesn't scare you with what?

Huh?

Nothing.

I'm...

Why don't you...

Hello?

The top of the morning to you, Wilbur.

Have you changed your mind about getting me contact lenses?

No, I haven't.

Then the bottom of the morning to you.

Ed, why don't you give up?

Because my eyes are getting worse.

I can't see a thing around the barn.

Then how did you find the phone?

I dialed information and asked her where it was.

Ed, you are not nearsighted,

and nothing you can do will make me believe it.

Ouch! My ear.

Not nearsighted, huh?

Well, before I'm through, I'll convince him

I'm the Mr. Magoo of the animal kingdom.

Here's your breakfast, honey.

Thank you, dear.

By the way, Carol, don't you think $50

is a little too much to pay for that hat?

How did you find out?

There isn't a move you make that I don't know about.

You mean you have me followed all day.

Wilbur, Mr. Ed just bumped into a tree.

Just ignore him. Pay no attention to him.

Wilbur...

What do you mean, Carol? I know what he's doing.

I mean, I know what I'm doing.

Just eat calmly, quietly.

Wilbur, Ed just tripped over the garden hose.

It's just an act. Don't pick him up.

Don't pick him up?

Wilbur, what's wrong with Ed?

There's nothing wrong with him.

He's just a spoiled horse trying to get his own way.

Now, ignore him. Eat.

Okay, okay, so he walked through the fence.

That does not mean he's nearsighted.

Wilbur, what is wrong with Mr. Ed today?

He is spoiled, and it's our fault.

He's an only horse.

We should have had another one.

Pay no attention to him. Eat.

Will you get that, darling?

Sure thing, dear.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Gordon.

Well, it's a little hard to explain, but just...

Just ignore him.

Just ignore him?

How can I ignore a horse that's trying to sit in my lap?

Why do you do these things to me?

Don't you like me?

I love you, Wilbur.

Then why do you always hurt the one you love?

Because he won't buy me contact lenses.

And no tears.

No horse looks good in glasses.

Can I have contacts?

Please?

Daddy?

I've been waiting for this for a long time, son.

Our diplomas hanging side by side.

I hope you'll be proud of me, Dad.

I know I will be, Herbert.

Very proud.

Thank you, Dad.

Well, I'm going out for some lunch now, Herbert.

Let me help you, Dad.

Thank you, son.

I'll, uh, leave you in complete charge.

Good luck with your first patient, son.

Thank you, Dad.

Have a good lunch, Dad.

Uh, good day, madam.

Uh, good afternoon, sir.

Uh, how do you do, miss?

Try Hello Horse.

That's a funny name.

I'm sorry, sir.

I didn't know anyone was waiting.

Come in, please.

Thank you.

Um, I'm interested in contact lenses.

Yes, sir.

Now, if you'll just sit down, I'm sure we can get you fitted.

Oh, no, they're not for me.

It's all mental, sir.

Believe me.

You'll get used to them.

Now, then.

Now, just sit.

Open that eye wide.

No, no, no.

Please.

Ah!

That's good.

Now, the other one.

Now, wait, wait, wait.

Now, sir, just relax.

This isn't going to hurt a bit.

I've done this hundreds of times.

I haven't lost a patient yet.

No, it's for my horse.

Now, then, just sit back.

Ah!

Now, I'll get you a tissue for that eye.

You know, sir, many people have the mistaken feeling

that contact lenses...

Horse?

Excuse me, sir.

Did you say horse?

Tissue.

Oh, thank you.

Sir, did you say something about a horse?

Yes, yes.

These contact lenses are for my horse.

Your horse needs contacts?

Yeah.

He refuses to wear his regular glasses.

Oh.

He wears glasses?

Uh, he did.

But, uh, now he's got this thing for contact lenses.

What does he wear regular glasses for?

Reading, mostly.

Your horse reads?

Nothing deep.

Really, he likes to look at the pictures.

TV.

Light stuff.

Is he one of those trick horses?

He knows every trick in the book.

That's how he got me down here.

Look, sir, uh, my father is having lunch.

If you wouldn't mind waiting...

Oh, well, I don't mind waiting,

but my horse is in a hurry, so some other time.

No, no, wait. Please don't go.

I'd hate to lose him.

Don't tell anyone.

Your horse is my first patient.

Oh.

Well, that makes you even.

You're his first optometrist.

You say he'll nod his head

every time he's able to read a letter.

Right. You point him out, he'll let you know.

Excuse me.

I've got to see this to believe it.

What happened?

First he nodded, and then he shook his head.

What does that mean?

Well, the nod means that he saw the letter,

and the shake means there was a fly on his nose.

Oh.

Well, thank you.

Must have been absent from school

the day they lectured us about horses.

Now, Mr. Post, in this test,

he's supposed to tell me when he thinks

my fingers are pointing at each other.

Now, how do we work that out?

Uh, well, just do it.

He'll let you know.

Oh, okay.

Excuse me.

Yes.

All right now, Hussie.

This won't hurt a bit.

Oh, fine.

Fine.

These eyes look fine.

Of course, it'll be pretty expensive

making contacts this size.

How expensive?

Oh, a few thousand.

A few thousand?

Now then, Hussie, wider.

Ah.

Wider.

Ah.

That's better.

There we go.

Oh, hi, Dad.

How is the hamburger?

What are you doing?

Examining a horse.

We were considering contact lenses,

but I didn't think they'd be that expensive.

Oh, I'm sure Dad can work out an easy payment plan.

You keep quiet.

What is this?

Some kind of a fraternity joke?

No, no.

No, you see, I was just...

Well, never mind.

Get out.

What are you trying to do?

Ruin my business?

Now, get that horse out of here.

Hurry up.

Get the animal out of here.

Dad, that's my first customer.

Out.

Never mind.

Get that horse out of here.

I just...

Doctor, do you validate for horses?

Out.

Get out.

Out.

Dad, what'd you go and do that for?

Hey, listen to this, Wilbur.

Woman leaves her cat $10,000.

Pretty stupid move.

The cat will probably buy a cow

and drink herself to death.

It's fun to be reading again, isn't it, Ed?

Oh, yeah.

That's what separates you and me from the dumb animal.

I hope you're not embarrassed anymore about wearing gloves.

No.

As a matter of fact, you can do me a big favor, Wilbur.

Oh, what is it?

I've got a date with a cute little English filly tomorrow.

How about getting me a monocle?

Yeah, that's you.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course,

unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yakety yak a streak and waste your time a day.

But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.