05x16 - Ed the Godfather

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

Now, don't worry, Gina.

If I say you're my house guest,

there's nothing Wilbur can do about it.

One thing about me, I'm part tiger.

Here comes Wilbur.

I'm also part chicken.

This is the way we beat the rug.

Beat the rug, beat the rug.

This is the way we beat the rug.

Ed, you don't have to do that.

Why not?

You're always doing me favors, buddy boy.

Oh, well, thanks a lot, Ed.

And I certainly appreciate...

Yeah, yeah, thanks for helping me, Ed.

But somehow I think this will do a much better job.

Stop!

You'll k*ll her.

Her?

Well, it ain't a him.

Now, Ed.

Don't frighten her, Wilbur.

She's gonna be a mother.

Well, you sly old devil.

So you've been secretly married.

Oh, no.

I've never met the filly I'd want to share my feedback with.

Well, then, what is going on here?

Who is she?

Well, her name is Gina.

Her husband's in Italy.

This is gonna be her first kid.

And she's nervous and scared.

How would you like to become a mother with no friends around?

Well, I don't think I'd like it even with friends around.

Who does she belong to?

Bill Johnson down the road.

Please, Wilbur, can she stay with us a few days

so we can cheer her up?

I don't know, Ed.

Two horses here?

The neighbors might object.

Oh, look, this is a barn we have here,

not a maternity ward.

I better take her back to the...

You know, you gals are all alike.

This is how my wife got her fur coat.

Here's some water, Gina.

I would have brought wine, but you're underage.

Ah, I see Gina's still putting it away.

I'd hate to be her husband.

A horse could go broke keeping her in hay.

Don't forget, Ed, she's eating for two.

Yeah, you're right. Her lunch and mine.

Buon appetito, signorina.

What did she say?

It's hard to make out.

She neighs with an Italian accent.

Oh.

h*, h*, h*.

She wants to know what's for dessert.

Oh, let's see.

Tell her we have apples, carrots, and sugar cubes.

How about molasses?

Sorry, Ed, that doesn't come with a hay dinner.

We'd have to charge her extra.

Gotcha, Bambina.

She said to skip the dessert.

She's worried about losing her figure.

Honey, you've been working so hard, you forgot your lunch.

Oh, thanks, dear.

Wilbur, is this all the work you've done

on the plants for Gordon's hobby room?

Well, I've been kind of busy with Gina, you know.

I mean, she's just over from Italy,

and it seems to be a nice thing to do,

make her feel at home, hoofs across the sea,

and all that sort of thing.

I still think Bill Johnson was out of his mind,

letting his horse stay here when she's expecting a foal.

Well, it might not happen for days.

And Bill agrees it'll be worthwhile

if Ed can cheer her up.

What are the horses going to do, play hopscotch?

Oh, silly.

Gina's condition?

Oh, honey, take her back.

You have enough to do with Ed.

And with two horses, you'll never get the plans

for Gordon's hobby room done.

That's not true. That is not true.

Once I start to work, nothing distracts me.

Absolutely nothing.

I just block everything out of my mind.

That's it. She's having a baby.

A horse. A co*n.

Carol, please, you go boil some water.

I told you this.

Go pack a suitcase.

Hurry along. Hurry, please.

Yeah, bye.

Let me call Bill Johnson.

Put the phone down, Dr. Zorba.

What? You mean she's not going to happen?

What was she neighing about?

She wasn't neighing. She was laughing.

Broke her up with my imitation of Hedda Hopper.

Oh, you big clown.

Look, Carol is right.

I couldn't work here,

worrying about Gina becoming a mother right here in my barn.

But it won't happen here, Wilbur.

She promised me.

How could she promise you a thing like that?

We got a plan.

As soon as the foal's on the way,

she'll tell me, and I'll call a cab.

Oh, very funny, Hedda.

Look, I'm going to call Bill Johnson

and tell him to take her back.

Oh!

Let go, let go, please.

I'm sorry.

I've got to call...

Well, when Mr. Johnson gets back,

tell him Mr. Post called. It's about his mare.

The one that's having the foal.

Never mind. Tell him...

I'll call him later.

Hey, what are you doing?

Making diapers.

You're wasting your time.

As soon as Mr. Johnson comes home,

I'm having him take Gina back to her own stable.

Instead of gabbing,

why don't you give me a hand?

Believe me, she has got to go.

And that's no way to fold a diaper.

Can you do better?

You forget I was once a baby.

And you diapered yourself?

Just watch. You see, they don't use the triangle anymore.

The trend is toward the square.

Fold it like that,

then over here,

and then over like that.

Put the pins in here, and the forelegs...

What am I talking about?

Horses don't wear diapers.

Maybe not, but my godson will.

Your godson?

Gina's naming the kid after me.

Mr. Eduardo.

I must admit, you'll make a very young-looking godfather.

Thank you.

And you'll make a very young-looking great-godfather.

Me? A great-godfather?

You're not a blood relative,

so you can't be an uncle.

Well, all this is very nice,

but I've got to send her home.

I've got to get going on Gordon's plans.

Please let Gina stay,

and we'll have the adoption papers drawn up

first thing in the morning.

No, Ed.

One bright and guiding light

That taught me wrong from right

I found in my mother's eyes

Those baby tales she told

That road all paved with gold

I found in my mother's eyes

Just like a wandering sparrow

One lonely soul

I walked the straight and narrow

To find my goal

God's gifts sent from above

A real unselfish love

I found in my mother's eyes

I wonder what can be keeping Wilbur.

He should have had my plans finished hours ago.

Now, don't be impatient, Colonel.

I'm sure Wilbur's spending a lot of time

on your hobby room.

How's that, Ed?

These curlers should perk up her morale,

you know, make her feel young and pretty.

Huh?

You'll never find a more conscientious,

devoted architect than Wilbur.

He's probably fooling around with his horse.

I don't know why I hired him to draw up those plans

in the first place.

I know why.

He charged you half price.

Winnie, please.

What, dear?

Stop that.

I can't hear you.

I said turn that thing off.

I...

Oh, poor Colonel.

Did you lose your voice?

No, but I'm liable to lose my mind

trying to concentrate with all that noise.

I can hardly wait till you have

your very own little hobby room in the back.

Well, neither can I.

I...

Oh, Winnie, I must say,

you are a very considerate wife.

It isn't every woman who understands

a man has to be alone every once in a while.

Oh, it's going to be a wonderful hobby room, Colonel.

There's only one thing it needs to make it perfect.

What's that?

A little sewing corner.

I don't sew.

Well, I do.

Home, Ed.

Hey, pull your radio down a little, will you?

What are you doing?

Trying to make Gina feel like she's back in Italy.

I like the Italian travel posters.

Nothing like taking out a filly in Venice.

If she doesn't smooth, she swims home.

What's the idea of this brick wallpaper?

Gina said her barn in Italy looked like that.

It kind of gives her a feeling of security.

I'm glad she isn't a Japanese horse.

We'd be up to our knees in sukiyaki.

You're doing everything for Gina, aren't you?

Except for one thing.

Gina wants Dr. Chadkin to deliver her.

Dr. Chadkin?

Ed, Dr. Chadkin is the most expensive baby doctor

in Beverly Hills.

What do you think Gina's going to have, an elephant?

Yeah, but why Dr. Chadkin?

He delivered Bill Johnson's baby last month.

Gina saw him around the place

and she likes his barnside manner.

I mean, he's the only one that she'll allow to deliver her colt?

She says if she doesn't get him,

she may call the whole thing off.

Nonsense.

I'm sure Gina will settle for any competent vet.

I don't know, Wilbur.

Look how worried she is.

She didn't even touch her lunch.

Ed, forget it.

Dr. Chadkin, he would just laugh me out of his office.

Besides, Ed, Gordon's been giving me a hard time

for not finishing the plans for his hobby room.

So now, if you'll excuse me...

That taught me wrong from right

I found in my mother's eye

Cut it out, Ed.

Dr. Chadkins?

Mr. Post?

Yes.

Where's your wife?

She's playing tennis.

Tennis?

She shouldn't be playing tennis at a time like this, Mr. Post.

Why not? It's a beautiful day.

I mean, it's not good for the baby.

Oh, she's not going to have a baby.

Oh?

Who is?

A horse.

Thank you.

Your horse is going to have a baby?

No, she's going to have a horse.

But it isn't my horse.

It's my horse's horse guest.

House guest.

She's Italian.

Mr. Post, I don't know what you're talking about,

but obviously you've made a mistake.

I am not a veterinarian.

I'm an obstetrician.

A baby doctor.

I know. You delivered all the Johnsons' babies.

Yes.

Well, I don't see what that has...

This is their horse.

Well, I still don't see what...

Well, Gina belongs to the Johnsons.

You're the family doctor,

so it isn't as if you're delivering a total stranger.

No, Mr. Post, no.

It's completely out of the question.

I deliver humans and not animals.

What's the difference?

So this one has two extra legs and a tail.

Doctor, may I remind you,

this is America,

where every horse has the right to be delivered

by the doctor of his choice.

Her choice.

Of course.

But, Mr. Post, this horse did not choose me.

Oh?

Then why am I here?

Well, I don't know, Mr. Post,

but I wish you'd go.

All right, Dr. Katkins.

Never mind.

I'll tell you one thing.

When my great-godson wins the Kentucky Derby,

I just hope you bet on another horse.

Godson?

Great-godson.

Great-godson.

Oh.

Cheer up, Gina.

Look what I just got for your little cold.

My godson's first little feed box.

Look what happens when he opens it.

Well, now, that's a very thoughtful gift, Dad.

I'm just trying to get Gina's spirits up.

The poor kid, she still feels bad

about not getting Dr. Chadkin to deliver her cold.

Well, she'll be going home in a day or two,

and the Johnson's vet can take over.

She likes you, Wilbur.

Maybe you can do it.

No, thank you.

I can't see myself holding up a 100-pound colt by the tail

and slapping it across the back.

Good night, Ed.

Well, it's beddy-bye time, Gina.

Eh, buona notte, signorina.

Oh, sure, kid.

Well, good night, Gina.

Mother raised us kids to be gentlemen.

Hello?

What's that, Ed?

Hurry out to the barn.

Oh.

She's having a baby.

The horse, the colt.

Ed, is she okay?

Did you call the vet?

The vet? What for?

Well, she's having the colt, isn't she?

No, she's just hungry.

She's hungry?

Yeah, she wants pizza.

She wants pizza?

You know how expectant mothers get those cravings.

So you expect me to go chasing around town

at 1 o'clock in the morning to buy her pizza?

I don't think she'll go for that milk and cake you got for her.

What milk and cake? Wait!

Ed, I am not leaving this house.

Oh, look at her, Wilbur.

The poor kid hasn't touched a drop of hay all day,

and she needs her strength, Wilbur.

Then, Ed, you buy her the pizza.

Good night. Carol is waiting for me.

One bright and guiding light

That taught me wrong from right

I found in my mother's eyes

I'd like 40 pizzas, please.

40?

That's right, 40 pizzas.

It's a pretty big order for this time of the night.

You giving a party or something?

Something, yes.

Okay, what kind of pizza you like?

We got onion, garlic, anchovy, green peppers,

mozzarella, mushroom, pepperoni,

and kosher salami.

What do you have?

Well, I don't know.

She just said she wanted 40 pizzas.

All of this is for one lady.

You might say she's a lady.

She must eat like a horse.

You might say that, too.

You see, she woke up in the middle of the night

with this craving for pizzas.

You see, she's expecting.

Mister, if she eat 40 pizzas,

you know what she's expecting?

An ambulance.

Let me worry about that.

Why don't I just phone and see what kind she wants?

May I use your phone?

Why, the cooks, we get it this time of the night.

Hello, Ed.

Huh?

She still isn't eating, huh?

You had to finish her hay?

Well, look, Ed, they want to know

what kind of pizza she wants.

She's asleep.

Give her a yank on the tail and wake her up.

Hey, watch it!

Sorry, mister.

Oh, okay.

Uh, she says just mix them up.

Only make sure they're crisp,

not soggy like this one.

Oh, oh, Mr. Poe!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Dr. Champkin, what are you doing here?

Well, someone phoned and said the mayor was ready

and that Mr. Johnson's vet was out of town, so I...

Someone...

Oh, well, look, we better get in there fast.

It's right through my office.

Oh, well, all right.

Oh, and, doctor, thanks a lot.

Mr. Post, please don't let this get around.

I like my little office in Beverly Hills.

Oh, don't worry, doctor.

My horse will keep his mouth shut.

Good thinking, Ed.

Don't mention it, Wilbur.

Eight-thirty.

What's taking Gina so long?

My godson must be coming by slow freight.

Take it easy, Ed.

The worst is over now.

If those fillies only knew what we fellows go through.

Hey, your godson!

He's here!

Well, it's all over, Mr. Poe.

Mr. Post, the mayor and the little filly are both fine.

A filly!

Ed, did you hear that?

Your godson is a girl!

He's fainted!

Dr. Shadkin, quick!

Smelling salts!

He's fainted!

Oh, isn't she adorable?

She sure is.

We've got a great little great goddaughter there.

Oh, look, Wilbur, she's standing.

She sure is a pretty little thing, isn't she?

She's beautiful.

The Colts will be standing in line to carry her saddle to riding school.

Oh, girl!

Now I gotta worry who takes her out nights and where.

I better teach her judo.

She's lovelier than Lola Brigida.

Anyway, she's got more legs.

Wilbur, oh, Wilbur,

do you know what Winnie wants in my hobby room now?

You mean besides the sewing room, I added?

She wants a dress closet and a kitchenette and a bedroom.

Not a bad idea.

Then you can both move into the hobby room and rent out your house.

I've got a better idea.

Hi, Wilbur.

Hi, Ed.

Ah, so you've been taking pictures, huh?

Yeah.

Isn't Edwina a smart-looking little filly?

He sure is.

Say, why don't you teach her to talk?

Just what the world needs, another talking horse.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People yakety yak a streak

And waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this

I am Mr. Ed

This has been a Filmways presentation