05x12 - Ed the Stowaway

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course. Talk to Mr. Ed.

THE HORSE

Not bad. When did you learn to do the hula?

The day a grasshopper got caught in my tail.

Well, that was very thoughtful, Ed.

Getting me in the mood for my trip to Hawaii.

You mean our trip, buddy boy.

Okay, I told you. I cannot take you along this time.

Carol considers this a sort of a second honeymoon.

If the first one was such a flop, why repeat it?

Okay, we've discussed this before.

Kirkwood's won a trip to Hawaii.

Carol and I decided to go along.

As far as you're concerned, I'm going to board you in one of the finest stables until we get back.

That's what you think.

What do you mean by that?

I'm going to Hawaii if I gotta swim all the way.

Just look at us, Carol.

Miles and miles of ocean.

I feel like I've been on it all my life.

How long have we been at sea now?

Twelve minutes.

Is that all?

Oh, honey, do you still feel badly about not taking Mr. Red along with us?

Oh, poor Ed.

I feel guilty leaving him alone in a strange stable.

He must be pining away.

You know, it's funny. I've never been so far away from Ed before.

And yet I feel that he's still near me.

Honey, Ed's going to be just fine. Now stop worrying.

Well, I guess you're right, Carol.

I mean, after all, Ed's a big boy now.

I suppose he can take care of himself.

It was kind of touching, though.

I said goodbye.

I put my arm around him.

I said, now you be a good horsey.

And you get to bed on time.

And you have your meals on time.

And the week will fly by.

Carol.

You better tell Winnie and Gordon to get ready for lunch.

We'll be having lunch with them in half an hour. Tell them to get dressed.

I'm not hungry.

Well, you will. You will be hungry.

Just run around the deck a couple of times.

Get a nice fresh air. Build up a nice appetite.

Make you hungry as a horse.

Or a bear. Or any kind of big animal.

Here you go. Run.

Ed.

Aloha, Wilbur.

Ed.

What are you doing on this ship?

Nothing much I can do, Wilbur.

I'm a stowaway.

How did you manage to sneak aboard without being caught?

It was easy, Wilbur.

I just followed a bunch of cows that were being shipped.

And went into the hole in the deck.

How did you get away with it?

Well, I bent down real low.

And said moo with the rest of the girls.

sh**t.

But those cows thought it was so funny,

they must have lost 60 quarts of milk laughing.

Okay. How am I going to explain your presence to Carol?

To the Kirkwoods? To the captain?

Well, tell him you packed me by mistake.

Don't blame me if the captain makes you shovel coals all the way to Hawaii.

I could wait on tables.

Never mind.

Wilbur.

That's Carol.

Wilbur.

Wilbur who?

Stop fooling around and unlock the door.

I want to get in.

Go hide somewhere.

Wilbur, why are you trying to keep me out?

What's going on?

What are you looking for?

Nothing, nothing.

But I couldn't find it, so I guess I really never had it with me.

Oh, stop clowning. I told the Kirkwoods we'd be ready for lunch.

I better go freshen up.

Yeah, come on.

No, no, don't go in.

Wilbur, you did it.

You really went and did it.

I can't believe it.

You actually muggled Ed on board ship.

No, I didn't. That was his idea.

It's not enough for you to take your wife on a second honeymoon.

You have to take your horse along.

Carol, are you going to believe your eyes or your husband?

Wilbur, if we don't hurry...

It can't be.

Would you believe it?

No, I didn't bring him.

And if you don't believe me, I defy you to find his name on the passenger list.

What's taking everybody so long?

Why, it's Mr. Ed.

How did he get here?

Wilbur went in the bathroom and pulled the plug out.

Mr. Post, what you're asking is just impossible.

Why? Why can't my horse have a stateroom?

I tried to tell you. Because he's a horse, he'll have to stay in the hold with those cows.

That's very embarrassing.

To who?

To my horse.

I mean, how would you like to be locked up in a room with 60 females?

Let me rephrase that.

Never mind.

Now, Mr. Post, you're just lucky that the captain hasn't thrown you in the brig

for smuggling that horse on board.

I didn't smuggle him. He stowed away on his own.

Strictly against my orders.

You ordered that horse to stay home?

Well, not at all.

Not in as many words, no.

I mean, an animal can tell by the tone of your voice what is expected of it.

My horse is very uncomfortable down in the hold.

I am willing to pay for a stateroom.

It isn't a matter of money.

And forgetting that it's an animal, there is just no space available.

I happen to know the bridal suite is vacant.

You want me to put that horse in the bridal suite?

Why not?

Well, because the bridal suite is for honeymoon couples only.

Oh. In other words, you want to keep my horse in the hold

because he happens to be a bachelor.

Exactly.

No.

That horse has got to stay in the hold with those cows.

Now, if you have any further complaints, take it up with the captain.

Very well.

But if my horse comes down with some sort of milk allergy,

you will hear from my lawyer.

Carol. Carol, believe me.

It was not my idea to bring Ed along here.

If you don't mind, I'm going sightseeing with the Kirkwoods.

What am I supposed to do?

Why don't you go surf riding with your horse?

I'm sorry we're late, but you know how long it takes a man to get dressed.

I couldn't help it.

Every time I thought of Wilbur smuggling his horse on our ship,

I doubled over, and you try putting your pants on over your head.

Now, Colonel, stop teasing Wilbur about Mr. Ed.

Are you kids ready? It's a lovely day for sightseeing.

Yeah, come on. Let's go.

I heard of a place down the street that has hula dancers.

It's called Hips Ahoy.

Now, I, Colonel, I'll do the wiggling in this family.

Ready, Wilbur? Carol?

You kids go ahead. I'll join you later.

Why? What are you going to do?

Well, Ed didn't sleep very well aboard ship, so I'm going to check on him.

Why didn't you have them put a cot in our stateroom for him?

Oh, boy.

It's a good thing she has no horse and Ed was her son,

because she'd be a heck of a mother.

What did he say?

Well, he was perfectly clear.

He said Carol was definitely not Ed's mother.

Look, why don't you two go along?

I'm afraid I'm not very good company.

If you don't mind, I think I'll take a swim instead.

See you later.

Let's go to the museum, Colonel.

I understand they have a lovely lava exhibit.

Winnie, I did not travel 3,000 miles to look at a pile of rocks.

It's very educational.

So are hula dancers.

Come along, Colonel.

Now, you really got me into a lot of trouble with Carol this time.

You know she won't even talk to me.

I'll bet you're the only guy in the world

with a wife that doesn't talk and a horse that does.

Well, looks like I'm stuck with you now.

Unless I...

Hello, there.

Uh, hi.

Beautiful day, huh?

Yes, it's beautiful.

Are you enjoying yourself?

Oh, just fine.

But this hotel, between you and me, the prices are sky high.

Service is terrible.

And you know that rock garden they advertise in the folder?

Last night, I found it in my mattress.

Oh, that's too bad.

I am Sam Monaloe, the owner of the hotel.

Hi, I'm Wilbur Post.

Ah.

But despite these minor inconveniences,

it's a nice little place you got here.

And I happen to like rock gardens, wherever they are.

And, uh, that's a pretty filly.

What's her name?

Leilani.

That's a nice-looking Palomino you got there.

We don't see very many on the islands.

You want to sell him?

Oh, no, no.

He's, uh, he's like a member of the family.

But there are times I'd like to give him away.

If you ever do, I'd be glad to take him.

Leilani is looking for a boyfriend.

Oh, my horse has been pulling a lot of childish tricks lately.

Frankly, I, uh, I don't think he's ready

for the responsibilities of marriage.

Nice to have met you, Mr. Monaloe.

Come on in.

Excuse me.

He's hoarse.

Getting married?

Winnie, I don't know how we got separated at the museum.

Oh, one thing, Colonel.

You ran away.

What happened, Winnie?

One minute he was standing behind the statue of King Kamehameha.

The next thing I know, the king's there, but the colonel isn't.

I'm trying to tell you, I ran into this old w*r buddy of mine.

He invited us to dinner tonight, and that's the truth.

I don't believe that story, Colonel,

and telling the truth won't help.

You coming for a swim, Carol?

I just came out, Winnie. You go ahead.

Well, now, Winnie.

Winnie, now listen, you're gonna believe me

when you meet my friend at dinner tonight.

He's even hiring some hula dancers to perform for us.

Now, now, Winnie.

Winnie, I'm trying to explain.

Hi, dear.

Carol, I'm sorry I'm late, but...

Naturally, you can't be with your wife and your horse at the same time.

Look...

Well, there's one thing about having a fight away over here,

you can't go home to your mother.

I guess we could fly her in, though.

Oh, Wilbur, we can't really have any fun

as long as you have to spend all your time taking care of Ed.

Why don't you send him back?

Well, all right, if it means so much to you,

I'll send him back on the next freighter. Right?

All right.

Nobody's sending me home like excess baggage.

I'm gonna live here and become a beachcomber.

Ed!

Ed, are you around?

Look, no hand!

Look!

Oh, no!

Oh!

Wee-hee-hee!

This is a life!

Yippee!

Oh, you crazy horse.

Surf!

You realize you could have broken your neck out there?

Come along with me next time, Wilbur.

Sit on my back.

No, thanks.

You'll make history.

The first man who ever went horseback riding on the ocean.

Uh, Ed, I, uh...

I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you.

Oh?

We're gonna have to ship you home.

Oh?

Now, how do you want to go home?

By ship or cargo plane?

I'm a horse. Ship me Pony Express.

Please be serious.

Wilbur, I am not going home.

I've decided to live in Hawaii.

Live here?

That's right.

I love Hawaii, Wilbur.

Guess I got pineapple juice in my blood.

I'm gonna loaf around in the sun all day.

Get myself a nice, even tan.

No bathing suit marks on a horse, you know.

I mean, you...

You want me to go back without you?

I could fly in and visit you on Father's Day.

I feel bad leaving you alone here with strangers.

Oh, I'll have company.

Mr. Mauna Loa said he wanted a husband for Leilani.

Just make sure he kicks in with a nice, fat dowry.

Well, I guess this is it, Ed.

If you really want to live here in Hawaii...

That's right, buddy boy.

This horse is hitching his wagon to a surfboard.

What do you mean you gave Mr. Ed away to the owner of the hotel?

Ed seemed to want it.

I mean, he's a grown horse. He knows his own mind.

Mr. Mauna Loa wanted him.

Wilbur, you did it because you don't think I like Mr. Ed.

And that isn't true.

I'd miss him a lot.

Pardon me, please.

Now, you call Mr. Mauna Loa right now...

And tell him you want your horse right back.

Glad you feel that way.

Hello. Would you put me through to Mr. Mauna Loa's office?

Ed would never be happy here with Leilani, you know?

Hay and poi just don't mix.

Hello. Mr. Mauna Loa.

This is Wilbur Post.

My wife and I were having a little talk, and...

Well, I hate to be an Indian giver, but...

I was wondering if I could have my horse back.

Mr. Post, in Hawaii, when we give, we give with a full heart.

You give me a horse, I keep the horse.

You give me an Indian, I keep the Indian.

Goodbye.

Ed?

Ed?

Ed, it's me.

Ed?

Oh, hi, Wilbur.

Ed.

Ed, I've come to take you home.

Talk louder.

Talk louder, Wilbur.

My ears are full of water from skin diving.

Just a minute.

Now, uh, what were you saying?

I said I've come to take you home.

Sorry, Wilbur.

Hawaii has won my heart.

And where my heart goes, my tail must follow.

Ed, Carol's gonna feel pretty bad about this.

Wait a minute.

Carol wants me back?

Yeah, that's right.

She told me not to come home without you.

But that's the reason I left.

I thought I was breaking up your marriage.

Well, Ed, you mean you really want to come home?

Yes, Daddy.

Pack your things. I'll have you out of here in no time.

Okay, pops.

Yes, sir?

Howdy-do.

I'm Mr. Post.

Oh, I'm Manakura, houseboy.

Would you tell Mr. Manilu I'm here to see him, please?

Mr. Post, you're the gentleman who wants his horse back.

That's right.

Nice meeting you, Mr. Post.

I'll come back.

Mr. Manilu.

Ah, girls, come in.

The boss is waiting inside with his guests.

Another dancer.

Come on in, cutie.

How about a kiss, baby?

Please, I'm not that kind of a girl.

Well, Winnie, now do you believe I met my old buddy at the museum?

I'm sorry I doubted you, Colonel,

but I'm your wife, and I have a legal right to be suspicious.

Sorry, friends.

It was a long-distance call from the mainland.

That's all right, Sam.

It's a wonderful place you've got here.

Oh, yes, I love Hawaii.

True, it's part of the United States.

Still, I have a feeling I'm away from home.

Well, Colonel, how do you like the girls?

Wonderful, wonderful.

It's amazing how they can tell a whole story with their hips.

Hands, hands.

Head.

Head!

Head.

Somehow that one in the middle looks familiar.

Maybe you took her out during the w*r.

Oh, I was never that desperate.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

This Hawaiian hay isn't bad.

The middle is wearing pants.

Yeah, kind of destroys the illusion, doesn't it?

Understand, I hired two dancers.

It's Wilbur.

I didn't know he rented out for parties.

Him no wahine.

Him blala.

Yeah, blala, I'm a blala.

Stop him, stop him.

Oh, I certainly enjoyed our trip to Hawaii.

So did I.

But I'll be glad to get home, and so will Ed.

Do you think he's comfortable in the hold with all those other animals?

Yes, as long as they aren't cows.

Ed's more comfortable around fellas.

Oh, I'm tired.

Let's get ready for bed.

Okay.

Wilbur.

Oh.

Oh.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you'll endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yakety yak a streak and waste your time a day.

But Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.