05x04 - Tunnel to Freedom

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

The End

Boy, that cream pie looks good.

It'll look even better in my stomach.

Giddyap, Ed.

If I could find a horse that could cook like this, I'd marry her.

I should have worn a mask so nobody would know it was a horse.

Think I'll eat it during TV tonight.

Need something to sweeten up Ed Sullivan.

Uh-oh.

Good morning, Ed.

Sure is a beautiful day.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh...

What's the matter, Ed?

What pie?

Who said anything about a pie?

Well, I didn't.

And if you didn't, let's just forget about it.

No, no, no.

No, no, don't shut the door.

No, no.

Let's forget about what?

The pie we weren't talking about.

And what pie weren't we talking about?

The cream pie.

Ed, there's something peculiar going on around here.

You are not leaving this room until I get to the bottom of it.

It looks like you hit bottom, Wilbur.

Don't look now, Wilbur, but your calories are showing.

Ed, that is not funny.

Wilbur, are you in the office?

Don't turn me in, Wilbur, please.

It's a first offense.

Oh, Ed, I'm disappointed in you.

Any horse that would steal a pie would, would, would, would...

Would, would, would, would eat it.

Now give me my pie.

Wilbur!

Uh...

Yes, yes, Carol, I'm in.

Honey.

Oh, yes, dear.

I put something on the window and it's gone.

What pie?

Wilbur, stop playing games.

Did you take it?

The cream pie?

And how did you know it was a cream pie?

Well, well, you always make a cream pie on a Saturday.

And today's Friday.

Oh.

Oh, well, and if you haven't made it yet, how can it be gone?

You know, you're a big help.

So strange, it certainly couldn't have walked off by itself.

Thanks, buddy boy.

I'll have my pie now.

Never mind that.

Boy, I'm tired of covering up for you, Ed.

Don't you understand it's wrong to take something that doesn't belong to you?

Wilbur, am I part of this family?

Well, yes.

And don't you consider me like a son?

Yes.

Then if Mommy bakes a pie, why can't I have it?

Because Carol is not your mommy.

Oh.

You mean I was left on your doorstep?

Wilbur!

Wilbur, Wilbur, big news.

Guess who's going to be riding in the annual sheriff's parade tomorrow?

Uh, you.

Right.

I'll be riding down Hollywood Boulevard dressed in a Mexican cowboy outfit.

Oh, you better get a big size.

You've been putting it on south of the border.

So how did you get in the parade?

The sheriff's w*r buddy invited me just for laughs.

Will you be riding a horse?

Certainly.

You'll get the laughs.

Wilbur, I told the sheriff I could get a nice, gentle Palomino.

You don't mind if I borrow Ed, do you?

Oh, well, Gordon, I don't know.

You see, it'll mean Ed will have to walk 10 or 12 miles in a hot sun,

and I don't think he'd like...

Yeah, he'd love it.

Yeah, you can have it.

Oh, wonderful.

Well, now remember, have him ready about, oh, say, 7 in the morning.

Oh, okay.

Don't worry.

I don't forget things.

Well, you've been known to.

What are you talking about?

When have I ever forgotten anything?

Oh, my pants now and again, sure, but...

Oh, boy, I'm going to be in a parade.

Ed, you surprise me.

How come old Lazy Bones decides to walk in the sun all day?

Well, I might be a horse, but I'm really a big ham.

Oh, I can see it now.

The kids will be cheering, the band will be playing,

and everyone will be admiring me and saying,

look at that handsome horse.

He's a four-legged Cary Grant.

And I'll be proud of you, too, Cary.

And I'll be proud of you, Wilbur, if you'll do me one little favor.

Sure, what's that?

When you're watching me tomorrow, be sure to wear your pants.

Brownies.

Just like Mother used to swipe.

Giddyap, Ed.

Wilbur, it happened again.

I put some brownies on the window to cool,

and now half of them are missing.

Did you eat them?

Me? I didn't eat.

Missing, huh?

I can't understand it.

First my cream pie, then my brownies.

I just wish I knew who I was baking for.

Sounds like an inside job.

And I think I know inside who.

Ed, I am asking you for the last time,

what happened to those brownies?

Are you really asking for the last time?

Yes.

Good, then I don't have to answer.

Ed, where are those brownies?

Why don't you answer me?

Because it's not polite to talk with a full mouth.

Ed, I insist, where are those brownies?

I didn't see any little girl scouts around here.

Admit it, you ate the brownies.

You got any proof?

Proof?

This morning you swiped a pie.

Now I find a trail of brownie crumbs

leading from the kitchen into the barn.

And you've got chocolate all over your lips.

Ed, aren't such flimsy evidence you would hang a horse?

From the highest limb.

Ed, why do you do these things?

Why do you do these things?

Because I got a sweet tooth,

and I got to keep feeding it or it'll turn sour.

You've been disobedient, and you're going to be punished.

You're right, Wilbur.

I'll give myself 20 lashes with my tail.

Ed, you've been looking forward to riding

in the sheriff's parade tomorrow, haven't you?

Oh, yeah.

What do you think I ought to wear, Wilbur?

Pajamas, because you're not leaving this barn.

You mean I'm not going to be in the parade?

That is exactly what I mean.

The colonel's going to look silly

riding alongside the sheriff on roller skates.

Here I come.

Olé! How I look, seagulls!

Oh, you look handsome, Gordon.

You look like Pancho Villa.

You mean Ponchy Villa.

Well, in your stomach, colonel,

I don't want you to look like you're carrying the mail.

I am the most dangerous bandito in all Mexico.

He's cute. He looks like he's getting ready

to go out for trick-or-treats.

Ah!

Uh, Gordon, you all set for Halloween?

Oh, say, Wilbur, I just was speaking

to my friend the sheriff, and you know what he told me?

They're going to take newsreel shots of the parade.

Oh, Wilbur, our horse is going to be in the movies.

Colonel, try not to fall off Mr. Ed

till you get past the cameras.

Uh, Gordon, I'm afraid I can't let you have Mr. Ed tomorrow.

You can't let...

What's the matter? Is he sick?

No, he's been disobedient.

Disobedient?

Well, he pulled a few childish tricks,

and I've just got to punish him.

Can't you just spank him and send him to bed without his dinner?

Wilbur, you can't do this to me.

Childish tricks.

Wilbur, it was Mr. Ed

who took my cream pie and brownies, wasn't it?

Now, you said this. I didn't tell you this. I'm no squealer.

Colonel, where's your sense of humor?

Can't you see?

Wilbur is just teasing you.

Oh, ha-ha!

Can't have Ed, huh?

No, serious.

You are pulling your horse out from under me.

Gordon, you've got to understand.

If I let Ed get away with this, why, things will get worse.

Soon, he'll be stealing apples from your backyard,

and carrots from the corner store,

and then night raids on the supermarket.

First thing you know, he'll be on the FBI list.

Ten most wanted horses.

Well, he's finally popped his weasel.

Gordon, you act as if Ed was the only horse in town.

He's the only Palomino in town.

All the others have been rented for the parade.

Wilbur, are you going to let me have Ed, or aren't you?

No, Gordon, I must be firm. Ed has got to be punished.

He's looking forward to this parade, and I just will not permit it.

Don't be ridiculous.

He doesn't know he's supposed to ride in a parade.

What did he do, tell you?

Yes.

No!

Ed will only learn his lesson

when he doesn't see himself in the newsreel.

Oh!

Dear boy.

Master, I'm here to serve you.

Anything else I can do to make you comfortable, kind master?

No.

Like a glass of water?

No, thank you.

How about some nice brownies?

Ed, you don't seem to realize

why I won't let you be in the parade tomorrow.

You know why I'm punishing you?

Yeah, you must be having trouble with your wife,

so you're taking it out on your horse.

Don't be a wise guy. Get back in your stall.

Nobody's keeping me out of that parade.

So, you plan to disobey my orders, huh?

It's a free country, and I'm a free horse.

Not anymore, you're not.

I'm putting you in solitary confinement.

Ed, besides being disobedient, you're also sloppy.

Oh.

Did I teach you to leave your blanket lying on the floor?

No, I learned that myself.

Well, the blanket stays there until you decide to pick it up.

I'm ready to talk a deal.

A deal?

Don't lock me up, and I'll pick up the blanket.

Sorry, Ed. No deals.

Oh, you're locking me up like a criminal.

Yep.

I believe I am allowed one free phone call to the SPCA.

Oh, no, you don't.

You're not talking to anybody.

In fact, I think I'll remove this phone,

just so you won't call a locksmith.

No, I still have ways to get out.

Uh-huh.

Mmm.

Uh-huh.

Uh-oh.

You, uh, you thought I didn't know about this file you had stashed away?

I've still got ways.

Ha-ha!

Uh...

Uh...

When did you find out about the saw?

When I got the bill from the hardware store.

You slicker.

I've still got ways.

Uh, you're bluffing, Ed.

Houdini couldn't get out of here.

Houdini wasn't a wh*re.

I'll slip the hay under your door once a day, Ed.

Once a day.

Goodbye, Ed.

No, Ed, you stay there!

Ah, don't you be smart, Ed.

You get back in there.

Oh, no!

Ah, no, you don't.

Ah!

Get back in there, Houdini.

The only way you'll be able to get out of there is to crawl through the keyhole.

They haven't made the jail that can hold this horse.

Uh-huh.

Yes, sir.

I'm digging a tunnel to freedom.

I gotta dig my way out of this log barn before Wilbur gets back.

It's...

Boy, I wouldn't be a gopher if they paid me.

Wilbur...

Ah!

Now, don't do that, Gordon.

I'm sorry, but I just had to do it.

I had to get away from Winnie for a while.

What's wrong?

Oh, I can't stand to see a woman cry.

Yeah, what's she crying about?

Well, she told all of her friends at the beauty parlor that I was going to be in the parade,

and now that I won't, because I can't find a horse, and...

Well, she says she just can't face any of them for a month.

And, Wilbur, when a woman stays away from a beauty parlor for a month,

have you got any idea what she looks like?

Oh, you got yourself a horse.

Ah, that's my old buddy.

Winnie, we did it. It worked.

Oh, I'm so happy, Colonel.

What's the matter?

You told Wilbur I was crying, and I don't want to be married to a liar.

Oh, deep in your...

Good news, Ed.

Last-minute reprieve from the governor.

You'll be riding in that parade tomorrow.

I hope you've learned your...

What do you mean the horse disappeared?

I tell you, he's gone. Vanished. The moose...

But, Wilbur, you said all the locks were still on the doors.

How could the horse possibly get out?

Well, I know. Don't tell me.

He disguised himself as a termite and crawled out through the woodwork.

I tell you, he just fit.

Oh, the horses don't fit.

This one fitted.

Note that, Lord.

Lift that spade.

Gotta keep digging to make that parade.

Wouldn't it be something if I came up in the winner's circle at Santa Anita?

Well, uh, Sergeant,

I would appreciate it if the police would keep looking for my horse.

Yes, he's probably headed for the parade ground.

See, he's determined to get in that newsreel.

It's an ego thing with him.

Want to speak to my attendant?

Yes, yes. Wants to talk to you.

Never mind.

Where could Mr. Ed be?

Where could Mr. Ed have disappeared to?

It's as if the earth had opened up and swallowed him.

Boy, this is rough.

I wonder if John L. Lewis started this way.

I better check my map.

Let's see.

If I dig north by northeast,

uh, I'd come up on the Hollywood freeway.

And with those crazy drivers, I'd wind up underground for good.

I'm hungry.

Think I'll go topside and eat some hay.

Let's see. How do you shift a horse into reverse?

Colonel, I still say it's not polite to snoop around someone's house without their permission.

I'm only trying to prove that Wilbur was lying about Ed disappearing.

There, look. Look here.

All the doors have got padlocks.

Oh, now, Colonel, why would Wilbur lie?

Look for yourself.

Why would Wilbur lie?

Why would I lie?

If Ed is in his stall, you can ride me in the parade tomorrow.

Okay, be ready about six.

And be sure and have your tail braided.

Colonel, Wilbur, maybe Mr. Ed came back.

Impossible. He couldn't have come back because he couldn't have gotten out.

I had locks on the doors. The doors were closed.

And I better check it because I don't know.

Ed's not here.

What are they talking about?

It couldn't possibly be...

Oh, no.

Ed.

Look what dropped in.

What are you doing down here?

Digging for clams.

We're trapped.

We'll never get out of here alive.

Oh, Wilbur, please be brave.

You've got to be brave.

Okay, Ed. I will.

Good, because I'm scared to death.

Wilbur.

I wonder what's keeping Wilbur.

More coffee, Gordon?

Yes, thank you.

Do you suppose Mr. Ed ran away again?

Oh, he didn't run away in the first place.

You know, I hate to say this, Carol,

but when I get through with Wilbur,

he'd better dig a hole and hide in it.

Well, Ed, you disobeyed me.

Now, if we ever get out of this alive, I hope you've learned your lesson.

I'm sorry.

You know how much I love you, Wilbur?

How much, Ed?

I'll tell you.

If I gotta go, there's nobody I'd rather take with me.

Thanks, Ed.

Let's not do too much talking.

We've got to conserve the oxygen.

I got a better way.

Let's just exhale.

Ed, wait a minute.

I think we're going to be saved.

I hear some tapping.

Oh, that's just my knees knocking.

I always thought I'd end up in that great big prairie in the sky,

never in that great big hole in the ground.

You've got to try to be brave.

If we have to go,

it's not a matter of when you go,

but how you go.

Well, I know how I'm going,

like a rat in a trap.

Help! Help!

Yeah, help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Look!

I think I can just squeeze through.

You stay here till I get back.

I wasn't planning to go dinner dancing.

Take it easy, Ed.

I'll get you out of here, boy.

Oh!

I'd better go out and see what's happened to Wilbur.

I know it's hard for anybody to understand the reason,

but I love him.

I found him! I found him!

You'll never guess where he was.

Oh, please.

Give up!

Colonel, look!

It's a... it's a...

It's an earthquake.

Oh, it's a horse quake.

Now, be calm, everybody.

I'll take charge here.

Open the doorway.

It's the safest place in the house.

Follow me, everybody, into the street.

It's the safest place in the house.

Perfectly safe.

Oh!

Ed, what are you doing up here?

A bee got on my tail,

and there was only one way to go.

Straight up.

Ed, I was real proud

of the way you went strutting by that reviewing stand.

Did I really strut, Wilbur?

Strut? You looked like a 1,200-pound rooster.

And I didn't forget to smile for the newsreel camera.

Right, Wilbur?

Right. You were one big dimple

from your head down to your tail.

I noticed that little filly nuzzling up to you.

Yeah, but I got rid of her.

Why?

You ever try smooching

with a bass drum pounding away in your ear?

Not lately.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk to a horse, of course

That is, of course, unless

The horse is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer that you endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

People yackety-yack a streak

And waste your time a day

But Mr. Ed will never speak

Unless he has something to say

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And this one will talk to his voice, his horse

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this!

I am Mr. Ed

This has been a Filmways presentation.