05x01 - Hi-Fi Horse

[bunniefuu]

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

And no one can talk to a horse, of course.

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

How you doing, Ed?

I'm finished.

Ed, is there any way to paint a fence?

I was trying to express myself.

Oh, well, what is the message you're attempting to convey to the world?

That I hate painting fences.

I guess it is kind of hard to keep a brush in your mouth, huh?

It's like having a tail on both ends.

I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I'll finish this for you, Picasso.

Oh, Ed, have you got any ideas what I could give Carol for our anniversary?

Well, how about a feed bag?

I can just see Carol wanting to go out for dinner just so she can show off her new feed bag.

Everything for her, nothing for me.

Why couldn't I have been born a woman?

That might be quite a problem if you were a woman, Ed.

Boy, the trouble I'd have finding a gift for you.

Carol, I'd feel pretty silly asking the sales girl for a 30-foot girdle.

Hi, Gordon.

You know, I just always kind of talk to myself when I'm working, you know.

It helps to pass the time, gives me something to listen to.

Oh, I see you brought the paint thinner. Thanks a lot, neighbor.

Wilbur, who are you buying a 30-foot girdle for?

Oh, well, a 30-foot...

Well, it's a little anniversary gift for Carol.

I thought I'd get her something to wear around the house.

Around the house?

Well, a 30-foot girdle would take in the whole patio, too.

Gordon, you got any ideas what I could get her for an anniversary gift?

Why don't you buy her something for the house, something you can both use?

Like soap?

You take my advice and get her something you both can use.

After all, it's your anniversary, too.

Hey, you're right.

I mean, I've been married to her as long as she's been married to me.

Write a very romantic note and get her something you want, too.

A stereo set.

Oh, boy, for years I've wanted a hi-fi stereo radio record changer.

You know, with the Chadwick turntable, huh?

And the Artifact Worthington G212 cartridge.

With the twin Collier 15-inch speakers.

With the woofer and the tweeter.

If I could get an anniversary gift like that, I'd almost give up my wife.

So you like the idea of giving Carol a stereo set, huh?

Oh, yeah. And we can run a speaker into my stall, huh?

Yeah, that'll keep you happy all day long.

You know what they say, cows give more milk when they listen to music.

Don't look at me. I've been called horsey, never bossy.

I'm off to order our stereo set. See you later.

Mm-hmm.

Wilbur's gonna like the stereo. I'm gonna like it.

And if Carol don't like it, well, better luck next year.

Well, just look at that, huh?

I bet you don't see many stereo sets like this around.

No, sir.

Well, you certainly got a beautiful sound system there, Mr. Poe.

Something you're gonna enjoy for years.

Yeah. Well, it's, uh...

Actually, it's for my wife, you know.

I mean, I wouldn't... It's an anniversary gift.

This is the kind of gift you never forget.

Well, in case you do, here's your payment book.

Once a month for 36 months.

After that, the music's on the house, right?

Now, like I say, Mr. Post, you got a great sound system here.

Absolutely trouble-free.

In case anything breaks down, give me a call.

Uh, something might go wrong?

Oh, I said if, and you'll be happy to know

I don't charge for the first visit.

Well, that's swell.

And by the way, this was the first visit.

Oh, well, look, did you find anything wrong with it?

No, if I go back again to take a look at it,

it becomes a second visit, and I gotta charge.

Oh, no, no, no. No, it sounded swell.

Just wonderful. Everything sounded just great.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Bye.

Excuse me.

Now, aren't you glad you took my advice and bought it?

Oh, the girls are back. Now, get ready, Wilbur.

Oh, hide it. Hide it.

What am I doing?

I have the least idea now.

When the girl comes in, just grab her and cover her eyes.

Okay.

Surprise! Surprise!

Oh, that's my... Oh, surprise!

Surprise. Happy anniversary.

Oh, Wilbur, how did you remember?

No, no, kisses, no kisses. Surprise, surprise.

Yeah, well, you'll see. Just step forward. Keep your eyes closed.

Watch your step. One down. That's it.

One more. Don't look now.

Come on, straight ahead.

Oh, honey, I can't wait.

Well, you're gonna have to wait.

Oh, you're just teasing me.

Straight ahead. One more step. There we are.

Okay, Gordon, you ready?

Oh, Wilbur, what's going on?

Wilbur!

Surprise! Surprise!

Surprise! Surprise!

Wow.

Happy anniversary, dear.

I said, happy anniversary, dear.

Well, it's very nice, dear.

You finally got the stereo set you've always wanted.

We've always wanted it. It's for both of us.

She's got twin speakers. It's his and hers.

Are you happy?

Well, let's say one of us is happy.

Winnie, we'd better go. I smell a pot roast burning.

That isn't possible, Colonel.

I don't have a pot roast on the stove.

Put one on and burn it.

Carol, get the receipt from him.

We'll need it for the exchange tomorrow.

Um, that's a great little stereophonic system, dear.

I mean, that has the Chadwick turntable.

It's got the artifact Worthington 212-G cartridge.

And then, of course, the two 15-inch Collier speakers

with the woofer and the tweeter.

Just what I always wanted.

My own woofer and my own tweeter.

Carol, I mean, I don't know what to say.

You're going to say I'm imagining things, I know,

but I get the feeling that you don't like it.

Honey, I like music the same as you do.

But that's not a personal gift.

That's a house gift.

Look, dear, if you don't want it,

I mean, just say you don't want it.

I mean, simple as that.

Just come right out and say,

sweetheart, I don't want it.

Sweetheart, I don't want it.

I don't want it.

Hey, one, two, cha-cha-cha.

That's pretty good, eh?

You're really enjoying your stereo, huh?

Oh, I love the cha-cha-cha.

Come on, dance me around, cha-cha-cha.

Oh, thanks, cha-cha-cha.

Oh, I'm just, uh, not in the mood

for dancing with a horse right now.

Oh, why did you turn it off?

My front end was just starting

to catch up with my back.

It's too bad my wife doesn't appreciate the gift

as much as my horse does.

When a man gets married,

it's to have a faithful companion.

Well, you've got one.

Me!

Oh, don't you knock, Carol, Ed.

She's a wonderful girl, and I love her.

Oh, I'm not knocking her, Wilbur,

but remember one thing.

What's that?

If Carol ever leaves you,

I can cook, clean, and keep house.

Don't be silly.

Name me one thing Carol does

around the house for you that I can't do.

Can you sew?

I can learn.

That's no good, Ed.

I can't go running to my horse

every time a button comes off my shirt.

You know,

I just wish Carol was more like Winnie.

She's happy with any gift Gordon gives her.

Well, I must say I can't understand Carol.

Wilbur gives her a beautiful stereo set,

and she's not satisfied.

For our anniversary,

you gave me an old coffee pot.

Old coffee pot?

That's an automatic, electric,

genuine chrome 50-cut percolator.

But when I gave it to you,

you beamed like a bride.

Well, I felt like a short-order cook.

Colonel, what use could I have

for a 50-cup percolator?

We never drink more than two cups a day.

Well, it'll come in handy yet.

There'll be some occasion.

Please, when was the last time

that we had 50 friends drop in on us suddenly?

Well, I must say I'm surprised.

Well, I...

I thought you loved that gift.

Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Then why are you hurting them now?

I've had time to brood.

Christmas present for you.

This isn't Christmas.

I like to shop early.

Don't tell me you're having trouble with Winnie.

I thought she loved this anniversary gift.

Now she's going around the house

calling it an old pot.

Welcome to the club.

You know, next year on our anniversaries,

we should do the sensible thing.

What's that?

Leave town.

Imagine, she says this coffee maker

is not a personal gift.

That's ridiculous.

Who's gonna be making the coffee in it, Winnie?

Who's gonna be cleaning it and scrubbing it, Winnie?

If that isn't personal, I don't know what is.

Of course, I'll never understand women's reasoning.

You know, I'm having the same trouble with Carol.

Beats me how she can say that stereo set

is not personal.

I'm not worried about my wife.

Once she gets used to the set, she'll love it.

I wish I had your courage.

Eh?

Gordon.

Here.

Take this back.

Take it as a symbol of your leadership.

Your determination

not to retreat one inch

from the woman who serves in your command.

We'll fight them on the beaches,

in the living rooms,

and in the kitchens.

Good show, Colonel.

What a snow job.

Why'd you make him take it back?

Don't you understand?

Why, if Gordon buys his wife another gift,

I'll have to take the stereo back

and get something else for Carol.

Pretty sneaky.

Are you sure Carol won't

send our set back?

Don't worry. Tonight after dinner,

I'm gonna put on a real campaign

to sell her on that stereo.

I'll be matching my cunning,

my wit, and my intelligence

against hers.

Yeah, now I'm worried.

Just relaxing, eh, dear?

Hmm.

Romantic, romantic.

Why don't you just

keep reading, dear, and I'll put some nice background

music on our new stereo set, huh?

Music for happy lovers?

Huh.

Gotta handle them delicately, you know.

Don't dare get any scratches.

Ruins the sound type.

Can't get your fingerprints on it

because it gives a sort of a click

to the sound.

Well, you...

You wouldn't like this one anyway, dear.

This is a medley of Welsh mining songs.

Anything you'd care to hear especially?

Suit yourself, Wilbur.

It's your set.

This one, dear.

This is Sounds From Life.

I hear it's just great.

I heard about this.

They say it's just great.

It's a dog.

That's a cat. That's a cat.

Big. Right in the house. Big.

I know, I know.

That's a chicken. And the cow says

moo-moo, and the pig says oink-oink,

and the wife says goodnight.

No, wait a minute, dear. Wait, wait.

The best is coming. Listen to this.

That's another chicken.

It's a white chicken now, I guess.

What's that?

Chickens.

Cows.

Oh, there must be a stampede.

Help. Help, Wilbur.

Help.

That's another chicken.

Wait, dear. This is the best part coming up.

I understand.

It's a ping-pong game.

Isn't that amazing?

You'd think it was right here in this room, wouldn't you?

My goodness.

How did I get in this cattle car?

This certainly makes wonderful coffee.

Have another cup.

I've already had six.

Are you going to make me drink all 50?

What a rumor.

Now, don't you feel silly

that you haven't used your coffee maker?

I could k*ll myself,

and another cup of coffee just might do it.

Oh, hi, neighbors.

Good morning, Wilbur.

Oh.

Finally enjoying your brand-new coffee maker, huh?

Oh, that's using the old bean.

Coffee bean.

Wilbur, get a cup of coffee.

Yeah.

Are you sure you got enough to spare there?

43 cups, to be exact.

You can drink it or swim in it.

Wilbur, I heard you playing your records last night.

How does Carol feel about her stereo now?

Well, uh, she's gradually getting used to it.

Where is Carol?

She's packing to go home to her mother.

How about I'm not worried about that?

See, my mother-in-law takes my side.

This annoys Carol, so she leaves her mother

and comes back to me.

Hey, this spigot's broken off.

How do you stop the coffee pourer?

Turn it off. Turn the handle.

Here's the handle. You turn it off.

Do something. It's spilling all over the rug.

Give me your other cup, will you, please?

Hurry.

Winnie, get me another cup.

Oh, dear.

Better get another one ready.

I can't. We're all out of cups.

Well, you better find something.

Here, quick, quick.

This is awful. You're ruining the rug.

Well, now, let's just be calm, all of us.

Keep our heads.

Do something, Wilbur, and that's an order.

Here, quick.

Well, Winnie...

Well, I can't do anything.

Do you got any hip boots?

Yes, I'll do...

Stop! Stop!

Don't just stand there!

Let's keep our heads.

Up there.

Carol went to her mother's, huh?

Yeah.

Carol?

Wilbur, if it makes you feel better,

I learned how to sew.

Thanks, Ed.

You could never take Carol's place.

Why not? I'm more lovable.

Ed, a wife is a wife and a horse is a horse.

Oh, yeah.

Ever hear anybody say,

my kingdom for a wife?

Duke of Windsor.

Wilbur, at least you got more spunk

than that chicken Colonel.

He's really getting his wife another present, huh?

Yeah. A rug for the living room.

Well, excuse me, Ed. I'm going to take a nap.

You haven't had your lunch yet.

It's all right. Thanks a lot, but I don't feel hungry.

Somebody's got to cook for him.

And if there's anybody who's at home on the range,

it's a horse.

Sweetheart, you're home.

That's right, honey.

Ed, what are you doing in the house?

If Carol sees you here, she'll k*ll you.

She left our bed and board, remember?

What do you got here?

Your lunch.

Kind of makes your mouth water, huh?

Yeah, it kind of makes my stomach turn.

You pick on my cooking,

and I'm going home to my mother.

What is this?

Some hay.

I thought I'd join you.

That's Carol.

Ed, you've got to get out of here.

sl*ve over a hot stove all day,

and what do I get?

Abuse.

Hi, Carol.

Oh!

How's your mother feeling?

Well, what have you got here?

Uh...

Oh, Wilbur, you do need me.

I was halfway to mother's,

and I felt guilty about not giving you breakfast.

Oh, it's all right. I wasn't very hungry,

and looking at this food kind of k*lled my appetite.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Wilbur, if that stereo set gives you so much pleasure,

it's all right with me.

No, now, look, Carol, if you'd rather have something else,

just name it.

A mink coat.

And we'll compromise, huh?

Ah, welcome home.

Yeah, they make a nice couple.

But the day I learned to cook,

she's finished.

Midnight.

It's too early to hit the hay

and too late to eat it.

I wish Wilbur would turn the music on in the house

so I could sing along with Mitch.

Think I'll mosey over to the house

and put on a soothing record.

There must be an album,

music for horses to sleep by.

Looks complicated.

A.M., F.M.,

multiplex receiver,

high filter,

low filter,

stereo beacon.

Gee, you'd need an engineering degree

to play a record.

Uh, I'll, uh, press one of these buttons.

Most I can do is blow up the house.

This is no place for a horse.

What's that airplane noise?

Go back to sleep. It's one of ours.

Well, this is my second visit, Mr. Post,

and after midnight, I gotta charge you a triple time.

Union rules?

Wife rules.

She'll lock me out of the house at night.

She's got cold feet.

I don't care what it costs.

Just get this thing turned off.

That'll be 20 bucks.

20 bucks for just one little turn of a knob?

Want me to turn it on again?

No, no, no, never mind.

I'll send you a check.

Now, look, Mr. Post, you're not paying me for my labor.

You're paying for four years of electrical college

followed by two years of postgraduate work in the field,

donating my services to the poor

who can't afford a house call.

Now, be glad I got here in time to save your set.

Thank you, Dr. Schweitzer.

Now, Mr. Post, I wouldn't play the hi-fi again tonight.

It's kind of shook up, and it needs a rest.

Think I ought to send it to Florida for a few weeks?

I'd laugh, but I'm on my own time.

20 dollars just for turning a little knob.

Mister! Top! Sir!

It's had a relapse! It's had a relapse!

Come on back! Please fix it!

I hate to keep messing Wilbur up, but that's life.

You always hurt the one you love.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,

and no one can talk to a horse, of course, that is, of course,

unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed.

Go right to the source and ask the horse.

He'll give you the answer that you endorse.

He's always on a steady course.

Talk to Mr. Ed.

People yackety-yack a streak and waste your time a day,

but Mr. Ed will never speak unless he has something to say.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course,

and this one will talk to his voice, his horse.

You never heard of a talking horse?

Well, listen to this.

I am Mr. Ed.

This has been a Filmways presentation.