02x11 - Hollywood Swinging (Part 1)

[bunniefuu]

- What’s up, baby?

- Baby, I got it!

Yeah!

- You got the promotion?

- Yes, martin, and pam got bumped up to my old job, martin!

- Wait. Wait a minute.

Buckshots got bumped up?

Beady bead got bumped up?

- Yes, martin, beady bead buckshot got bumped up too.

- Whatever. You, baby, you.

- You are now looking at the new assistant...

[Snaps finger] director!

- What?

Girl, you’re gettin' us paid, you know that, huh?

[Laughs]

Assistant di-rector.

Is that why you looking so sexy tonight, girl, huh?

Well, maybe you can assist me in the bedroom.

- Oh, no, no.

Tonight...

I will be directing in the bedroom.

- Oh, oh, oh.

So now that you got the promotion,

I guess you going for the raise.

- I’m going for the raise. - And the raise.

[Laughter]

[Upbeat hip-hop music]

- ♪ Martin

♪ Martin

♪ Martin

- Lawrence, y’all.

What’s up? How y’all feel?

- ♪ Martin

♪ Martin

- Congratulations, nina.

Pam told us all about it.

- Thank you, tommy.

- Yeah. We all getting paid now, huh?

- Yes, yes.

I’m making so much money now,

I might start investing in stocks.

- Well, fine. I got a tip for you.

[Clears throat]

Looking at the back of your neck, uh,

Hot comb stocks are way up.

- Martin! - Way up.

- You know what, martin, you’re just jealous.

Face it, brah.

You’ve been in the same job for, what, two years now?

Your career is going absolutely nowhere.

What’s up?

Mm-hmm. I said it.

- You know--

See?

I was just playing with you, okay,

But you just got real.

Now, you know i’m sensitive about my job.

You didn’t have to go there.

- Well, you know i’m sensitive about my buckshots.

You didn’t have to go there.

- Okay, okay, but there’s a big difference, all right?

A good job is hard to come by.

But they got dark and lovely

On damn near every corner you pass.

- See? - Okay?

And lube it down, beady bead.

Ain’t no excuse. Lube it down.

- You always start this.

- You always start this.

You come up into my place.

You lucky I let you up in here.

[All shouting]

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

- So? So?

- Pam. Pam.

The kitchen is fine, okay? - I know that.

- [Laughs] check again.

[Laughs] you know?

- Martin. - Yes?

- Martin. - Yeah?

- You’re exactly where you should be:

Where varnel hill was two years ago.

- He started off at wzup.

Look at him now.

The man is bigger than arsenio.

- He’s in town.

I cleaned the plane he came off of last night.

- Varnel hill.

Now,hemakes me laugh.

He was very funny when he was on wzup,

And now he’s the man.

- Oh, yeah. He’s large now.

I mean, you know, I hear they thinking

Of naming a day after him.

- Really? As in a holiday?

- No, no, I mean it like,

Monday, tuesday, varnel, thursday...

- Man, please, all right? Varnel’s whack.

He’s a sellout.

And he ain’t funny.

W-w-what’s the line he always said...

All: did ya miss me?

- Man, please.

- [Laughs] I like that one.

- Baby, look.

Look, don’t you worry about it.

- I’m sorry.

- You’ll be as large as varnel.

And you got a lot going for you.

In fact, my man, my baby, is hosting the opening

Of the new community center tomorrow.

- All right.

- Girl, I forgot about the community center.

You looking out for your man.

Huh? Huh? That’s right.

That’s right.

I’m getting ready to blow up.

I’m heading to the top, and you know what,

I’m gonna buy you that big house you want, girl.

Look at you, with the blush, huh?

Look at ya.

[Laughs] tommy cole.

- Yo, wassup? - You got porsches.

- [Laughs] - oh, you knew that.

- You know what i’m saying? - [Revving sound]

All right, pam. You’ll be there too.

[All talking at once]

You’ll have a saddle on your back,

Giving my kid horsey rides.

[Laughs]

Stan, my man.

See, this is the kind of publicity

I’m talking about, brother.

Look at all these people.

My people, stan.

See, they here to see me,

Because they know i’m finally stomping with the big dogs.

So what’s up, stan?

When do I give my speech?

When do I cut the ribbon?

- Uh, martin, now, look.

There’s been a slight change in plans, okay?

Look, varnel hill is in town, and he’s giving the speech.

- Varnel hill?

- Martin, look. I had no choice, man.

Varnel is huge.

He’s so large, they’re even coming out

With a varnel hill nintendo game.

- Hey, no, no, no, no. Forget varnel, all right?

This is detroit. These are my people, man.

Damn it, stan. I will be heard.

Excuse me, stan, all right?

Yo, wassup?

People, wassup?

- Where’s varnel?

- All right, look, look, look.

You might want to sit down, zulu lady, sit down.

- I loves me some varnel.

He’s all of that.

- Miss jeri, now, we done been through this in church before.

Okay?

Now, excuse me, but I will fight an old lady.

- I’m warning you.

If I don’t get me some varnel soon,

I’m gonna turn this mother out.

- Slow your roll, all right?

Slow your roll. Slow your roll.

Because, damn it, I will be heard.

Thank you. That’s all I have.

Thank you. That’s all.

[Cheers and applause]

- ♪ Who can tape this talk show ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Sprinkle it with laughs

♪ And do the cabbage patch

♪ Kiss a pretty lady

♪ And then sign some autographs? ♪

♪ The varnel man can

♪ Sha-boing, boing

♪ The varnel man can

Did ya miss me?

[Cheers and applause]

You know, I may be one of the biggest stars in hollywood,

But it wouldn’t mean a damn thing

If I couldn’t bring it back to the community...

A place where i’m from.

So don’t forget to watch my tv show.

Go see my movie, buy them cds, cassettes, and albums.

They’re available in the back.

I’m all that and a hot wheel track.

That’s right.

Oh, consider this community center...

Open.

[Cheers and applause]

- Oh, varnel.

Where’s the party tonight?

- Uh, latifah, party’s right here.

[Cheers and applause]

Play that funky music, white boy.

[Hip-hop music]

- Varnel.

[Laughs]

Varnel.

Hey, come on over here.

You remember my main man martin payne?

He was an intern at the station when you left.

- Uh, yeah, as a matter of fact, I do remember him.

I don’t recognize him without the mop bucket.

You used to go out with that little redbone, am I right?

Hey, man, I tell you what, man.

Give me a, uh, cup of coffee, no cream.

- I’m sorry, brother,

But I ain’t no damn coffee boy, all right?

I happen to have the number one morning show

In all of detroit, brother.

- That’s pretty good.

- Lookee here, varnel.

If you’re gonna be here tomorrow morning,

Why don’t you come on down to the station

And do martin’s show?

- Does that mean free publicity?

- Free publicity. - Hold up, stan.

- I will be there. - Varnel!

- Uh, okay. Hey, look.

I’ll see you tomorrow, huh? - All right, okay.

- And, martin, remember one thing, huh?

- Yeah.

- There’s two things that are important in this world,

But both of ’em are love.

You chill, hear?

Outta here.

Hey, snooky.

There’s a crowd between me and my car.

Straighten it out.

- Did the brother smack me?

- I guess he did.

Hey, martin, i’m just gonna go get an autograph.

I’ll be back in a minute, all right?

- Girl, I can’t believe I got that corner office.

- Yeah, the one with the big window too.

- Ah! Ugh!

You’re burning me.

- Sorry. Here.

There you go.

And--and my own receptionist.

You know kevin?

- Yeah, I know kevin.

He’s cute.

You think he’s g*y?

- I don’t know,

But I know his boyfriend definitely is.

- Damn.

Why all the good-looking brothers got to be g*y?

Why can’t cole be g*y?

- Yeah. [Laughs]

- But you know, gina, this promotion is, like,

The best thing that’s ever happened to me.

I’m making so much more money,

And I am getting treated with much respect.

You know what i’m saying? - Pam, shh, shh.

Martin’s still down about his job, girl.

He doesn’t want to hear anybody’s good news right now.

Okay?

- So?

- Hey!

I just found a $ bill!

I mean, it was sitting right outside the door, eh?

Martin, anybody could have found this, brother,

But I did!

Damn, life is good!

- That’s right, tommy, and you know what, brother,

It just got that much better, okay,

Because I got right here

Five tickets to anywhere you want to go in the u.s.

Right here.

- What? For real?

- Uh-huh. Love me. Love me.

Yes, yes.

- Cole, where’d you get the tickets, man?

- Yo, boss had a hookup, all right?

And all you need to know is this:

Us four here,

We the weinbergs, all right?

And, tommy...

- Hmm?

- You’re our danish nanny uter.

- Cole, these are real tickets.

- Oh, yeah, girl. I know they are.

And check it, we can go anywhere we want to go, right?

I say we go down south, uh-huh,

Visit us some rednecks,

Start a little trouble, get a little payback.

You know what i’m saying?

Y’all with me?

- Bump that.

I say we go to hawaii.

- That’s the place!

- Oh! That’s right, yo.

Hawaii’s part of america now.

Damn.

Well check it-- anyway, look.

We got to use these real quick, all right?

There’s a catch: we got to do it within three weeks.

- What?

Cole, I just got a promotion.

I can’t take a vacation that soon.

- Me neither.

Thanks for building our hopes up for nothing.

- Achoo!

Excuse me.

You know, I think uter coming down with something.

- Ah, ah.

Yeah, I think i’m coming down with it too.

It’s one of those seven-day hawaiian flus.

- Oh, see, gina. See, you were all up in here.

[Clearing throat deeply]

I--i got it.

I got it!

- We got it! - I got it!

- We got it!

- You know what?

All of y’all need to be ashamed of yourselves,

Lying like that.

- Martin, baby, I know you’re still down

About work and everything, but maybe a vacation

Will be the perfect thing for you, honey.

- Yeah, well, I might as well go, gina, all right?

I ain’t got nothing else going on here.

- Dang, martin.

I didn’t know you were feeling that bad.

- Yeah, man.

I mean, I don’t joke allthe time.

Damn.

- Hmm.

But who cares? I’m going to hawaii!

[Cheering together]

- And we’re back with varnel hill.

- Did ya...miss me?

- Yeah, brother, they--they miss you.

That’s why I cut that last commercial short.

Okay, I was afraid people would call in.

"Where’s varnel? We miss him."

[Laughs]

- "We miss him."

You are funny. Thank you.

- Look, we got to go the phones and take a call.

Caller, what’s up?

- [Like martin] what’s up?

What’s up?

That is funny. You are funny, man.

- Okay, you gonna walk in the footsteps next, brother?

Okay, damn. All right?

Are you writing my stuff down?

- I wouldn’t do that, man.

- Okay. Well, it seems that way.

You’re jottin'.

- This is doodling, man.

My creativity has got to be fed.

- All right, well, caller are you there?

- Yeah, I just want to say, I love you varnel,

And I watch your show all the time.

- [Clears throat] excuse me.

Okay, first of all, honey,

All right, when you call into my show,

Say hello to the host first.

Respect the host.

- Oh, sorry. Hi, martin.

So, varnel...

I saw you dedicating that youth center on the news.

You’re a wonderful human being.

- You sound like a very wonderful human being yourself,

Probably as beautiful

As an early autumn pomegranate wine.

You see, baby, I don’t do this just for the recognition.

I do it for the children.

♪ You can take

♪ The children

♪ Bounce them on their

[Falsetto] ♪ knees

♪ Bounce them on their knees

♪ And then sing to ’em every day ♪

♪ The varnel man

♪ Can--hoo

♪ Did you mi-hiss...me?

- [Laughs]

Whoo!

Ha ha!

Whoo!

Ha ha!

That was lovely.

That was beautiful.

Johnny gill should sign you up.

My, my, my.

[Mock singing]

Oh, man.

All right, look, look.

What the people want to know is about the real varnel.

Varnel is the man, okay?

What kind of car you driving, brother?

- Actually, i, uh, i’m not driving anymore, man.

- Oh, sorry to hear that.

[Laughs]

- I actually have a limo.

- Oh.

- Yeah, a mercedes limo.

- A mercedes limo.

You didn’t have to throw that in.

You rollin’ like that, huh?

All righty. All righty.

Rollin’ like that. Rollin’ like that.

Okay, well, um, you got a big house?

You got acres?

- Uh, we own half the county.

- Yes.

So, you mean, all that’s you--

Whatever’s in the county, all that’s you.

- A lot of investments. We bought homes.

We bought stores. Retail.

- What about basketball courts?

Brother, we like the bas-- what about that?

- Actually, we don’t have an outdoor court.

We have an indoor court. White, bleached wood.

Larry bird was down at the house, man.

Let me tell you something. That boy--

- Why didn’t you have the brothers

Down there to play ball?

Why larry bird got to come to your house to play ball?

- Him and jordan made that mcdonald’s commercial there.

Do you remember that? When they...

- That was your house?

- Exactly. That’s where it started.

- Damn. Okay, enough about that. Do you have a pool?

Brother, you got a thing you can swim in, splash?

You got that?

- Don’t have a pool. Got me.

- [Laughs] I thought I had your a*s.

[Laughs]

- But we got a -mile lake out back.

- Lake?

- We call it lake varnel. Yes.

Catfish are delicious.

- [Laughs]

- So what I do is, I go out back, man...

Cast my reel,

Pull that out, fry it, dye it,

Lay it to the side.

Red beans and gravy.

I ain’t too lazy.

- So, uh, uh, uh...

You got, uh, catfish in the pool.

Brother, look, we got to break for commercial.

We’ll be right back.

Ain’t this something.

All right, all right, listen.

Maybe--maybe i--

Okay, let me just sit down and clam down.

Okay, brother, you got a lake named after you

With catfish all...

- Delicious. - Catfish? Huh?

- Delicious.

- You got greens planted around there anywhere?

- Exactly. I mean, if you want ’em.

- You got yams?

- Actually, they’re imported from new orleans.

- Damn! - Sweet as can be.

- Okay, look, i’m gonna cut right to the point, man.

- Okay, what’s up?

- Okay, um, I got bills.

And what I got going on here ain’t cutting it, brother.

It ain’t getting it.

So what I want to know is, who did you hook up with,

And, brother, how can I be down?

How can I get to the yams?

- Man, you gotta-- you don’t get it, man.

You got to get an act.

You got work on that road, man.

- Brother, I don’t have time for the road, okay?

I got bills, okay?

I’m trying to get to the yams.

The yams, okay? The greens and catfish, okay?

I don’t have time.

- You gotta have faith, man.

- All right. Faith.

Faith. Okay. You got to have faith.

What’s her last name?

- You don’t get it, do you, man?

- I don’t get it? You don’t get it.

- Hey, man, hey.

[Both shouting]

- So when we come out of commercial,

I’m gonna ask you this next question here.

You know... [Indistinct]

- Varnel, um, look, man.

I’m sorry about that earlier.

I was just tripping, you know.

Brother was just tripping, man.

- Hey, man, ain’t nothing to it, really.

- All right. - I’m serious, man.

- Well, look, brah.

It’s just, you know, i’ve been doing the same thing

You’ve been doing, right, and i’m still stuck here.

You know, I don’t-- I don’t get it.

- I remember the first time I was onthe tonight show.

- Wait a minute. Which one was that?

Johnny or jay?

[Laughs] oops, johnny.

- Man, I had three minutes.

White-hot set. - Yeah.

- Cooked like clams. - Yeah?

- Once that set was over, bang-pow, to the moon.

My career took off.

- Damn. Word?

Straight up, you go pyooong! - Pyoong!

You hear me? Was in the green room.

Bill cosby came back in the green room,

Asked me for some jell-o pudding.

[Laughter]

- That’s something, huh?

Listen.

Um...listen.

Uh, you know how you just did my show?

- Yeah.

- How about a brother come out and maybe be on your show?

- Yeah. All right.

When’s that--are you going to be in hollywood anytime soon?

- Naw, naw.

- Damn.

You see that?

If you were in hollywood sometime soon,

You would be on my show.

- For real? - For real.

Come on, man.

Come on. - You a real brother.

- Man, I am real.

- Oh, man.

- Hey. Gotta get out of here, man.

Plane’s about to take off.

I’m out.

Look here, man. Take care of yourself.

- All right. - And I mean that, man.

- You be safe. - Hey, man, i’ll do that, man.

Oh, yeah, and by the way, this little tinker shop

You got going-- this is all that, man.

I dig. I dig.

Crowd: varnel!

- Did ya miss me?

- Yo, mart-in.

I’m now ready to talk to you about that new promotional idea.

- Not now, stan, all right?

I got--i got some things on my mind, okay?

- Martin, this is foolproof.

Dig it.

Martin, you are now the new wzup stripper

For ladies’ night at the black expo.

- You know what, stan,

You done sold me out for the last time, brother?

- What do you mean, martin?

- First the community center, now this, huh?

You want me to put on some orange drawers with the a*s out.

Man...

Stan, I ain’t taking it no more, brother.

- You gonna do this, man, because I give you a paycheck.

Man, you will be a rump shaker.

You got that martin?

- Yeah, I got it, stan. - Uh-huh.

- And you get this:

Kiss my a*s, okay?

’Cause I quit, stan.

Will you miss me?

- I say we go to maui.

- Yeah, that’s where they got the coconuts.

- What do you know about coconuts...

Oh, look. Martin’s happy again!

Baby, I knew this trip would raise your spirits.

- Ain’t gonna be no trip to hawaii.

Yep, I quit my job.

[Laughs]

We all are going to hollywood.

I’m gonna be on the varnel hill show.

Beady bead, get your saddle.

We heading out west.