09x10 - Field of Dreams

[bunniefuu]

♪

[ Somber music plays,
birds chirping ]

Morty: Oh, [weakly] Riiick...

[ Weakly ]
You were [coughs] right, Morty.

Chili... was too... spicy.

[ Coughs ]

Ohhh...
Ah.

[ Fire crackling ]
Oh.

[ Bowl clatters,
portal whooshes ]

Estate sale is open!
[ Clones chattering ]

Getcha post-its out,
first come, first serve.

If you see a post-it,

the item has
already been claimed.

Shopping Morty: Oh, yeah.
Shopping Rick: Alright.

Luchador Rick:
Hey, nice office chair.

Wet Rick: Hatchi-Matchi.

Pretty ghoulish,
don't you think?

W-we just get to
take anything we want?

Morty, they're dead. You want to
be buried with your porn magazines?

Magazines?
[ Coughs ]

W-what's a magazines, old man?

f*ck you, Morty.
Go practice your pronouns.

[ Rick clones chuckling ]
Whoa!

An in-ground
two-post vehicle lift?

You could park a motorcycle
on this bad boy

and rotate it any which way.

I put my post-it on it first.
Ninja Morty: No, no, I did!

I come from a water planet.

I should get the snorkel.

If you're from a water planet,

why do you need a snorkel?

[ Grunts ]

[ Shopping Rick grunts, laughs ]

These estate sales
are lame af, am I right?

Yeah.

I came to funeral hop,

but there aren't any Smiths left

to hold a funeral.

Wait, funeral hop?

Oh, sh*t.

You gotta try it, dude.

[ Whistles ]
Some version of your mom,

your dad, bawling their eyes out

and saying the nicest sh*t
you've ever heard.

But... can't happen when
the whole family

checks out at the same time.

Your Rick brings you
to your own funerals?

Nah, dawg,
[chuckles] I drive myself.

Whoa.
You don't got a Portal Jr.?

sh*t. bunch of us have one.

Let's see, I bet...

[ Objects clattering ]

Bam.

Pop a post-it on that bad boy

before someone else does.

Thanks.

And, uh, c-cool sunglasses.

[ Portal whooshes ]
Sunglasses?

These are my eyes.

[ Portal whooshes ]

[ Electricity popping ]

[ Platform whooshing ]

Um, Rick,

you ever gone
to your own funeral?

Is that new slang
for taking a dump?

What? No.

Well, I'm gonna start using it.

Look, a Morty at the estate sale

was a funeral hopper, and...

Ugh, you can do better than
getting emotional handjobs

from a fake family.

My real family is dead.

Wow, what a zing.
So is mine.

The only thing that helps
ease the horror of existence

is friction-free rotation.

Did you buy a motorcycle
to justify the platform?

Morty, it turns.

C'mon, man,
I'm asking for guidance.

Do whatever you want.
It's your funeral.

[ Platform whooshing ]

[ Portal whooshes,
Choir vocalizing ]

♪

[ Clapping, choir fades ]

[ Sobs ] Thank you.

Big Legs Morty
loved Ritchie Valens.

And now his Big Legs Grandfather

is gonna say a few words.

[ Slurps ] What!
Let me grieve!

You've been drunk all week.

Maybe if you had been sober,

you wouldn't have
microwaved him.

His big legs were wet!

I should have guessed.

Big Legs Jessica:
Wait! Big Legs Morty.

I should have done this
when you were alive.

[ Smooches ]

[ Gasps ]

Oh, hell yeah!

[ Portal whooshes,
Light music plays ]

♪

[ Toast Morty pops ]

♪

[ Portal whooshes ]

♪

[ Portal whooshes ]

[ Crows cawing ]

[ Flesh squelches, Morty gasps ]

[ Portal whooshes ]

[ Electrical buzzing ]

[ Flesh squelching ]

♪

[ Inhales deeply,
Balloon Morty inflates ]

♪

[ Portal whooshes ]

[ Chips crunch ]

[ Door shuts ]

Well, I guess
this is gonna be hard,

but Mort loved
to do hard things.

So...
we're gonna do this for him.

[ Bag rustles, chip crunches ]

How many of you here
loved my son?

Woman: Yeah...
Woman 2: [ Sobs ] Yeah.

I asked...

how many of you here
loved my son?!

[ Crowd cheers,
overlapping chatter ]

Maybe you loved him
because he was a leader,

a scholar, an athlete.

I loved him because he was mine.

Because he was my son.

Jock: We love you, Mort!

Crowd:
Mort! Mort! Mort! Mort!

When I die, I will
k*ll God for taking my boy!

I don't approve of your promise,

but I understand.

[ Dirt trickles ]

Who will be there for me
now that you're gone?

[ Chesterfield whines,
she cries ]

[ Chesterfield panting ]
Chesterfield?

Oh, oh!
No, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh! [ Chuckles ]
Stop, stop!

[ They gasp ]
Mort?

[ Panting continues ]
Oh... no...

You guys have never
seen another Morty before?

[ Gasps ]
Oh!

Oh!

[ Thunder rumbles ]
Does that make sense?

S-shortest version is...
infinite me's, infinite you's.

You want a grilled cheese?

I want to make it for him.

And this thing?

It's how I got here.

Rick made it for me.

Not my Rick...
i-it's a lot of canon.

Where is Rick?

I'm sorry to tell you this,

but, um...

our Rick...

is a drunk, Morty.

Ohh... No?

We had to end our
relationship with him.

We tried everything to help,

but ultimately,
he needed to help himself.

And he, like, listened?

This universe is wild.

Just the way you like it.

[ Bread crunches ]
Morty: Mmm.

Wow. So good.

Don't suppose
there's any tomato soup...

Holy sh*t.

You guys are something else.

You should have met our Mort.

Ray, like it or not...

Beth: Mm. ...the bank's
gonna take your farm.

[ Sighs ]
Terrence: They will come, Ray.

Huh?
Oh, my gosh.

My family's probably worried.

My... other family.
You're leaving?

Summer, he's not ours to keep.

I understand, Mort...

I mean, Morty.

Come back to us, kiddo.

Whenever you want,
you come back.

[ Portal whooshes ]

[ Laughing ]
[ Grunting ]

[ Muffled ] Summer,
stop live-streaming!

[ Snoring ]

[ Scoffs ]

Where have you been?

I've needed you to hand me
wrenches and stuff.

Che[burps]ck this out.

Wow, great.

Huh? Ah!
Oh, Rick!

It's pulling my insides!

You have too much
metal in you dipshit.

[ Magnet powers down ]
Oh!

I didn't put it there.
So?

[ Keys jingle ]

[ Keys jingle ]

[ Portal whooshes ]

Oh, hey!
Hey!

Morty, you came back!
[ Chesterfield barks ]

[ They chuckle ]
Oh, geez. G-Good boy.

That's a dog for ya.
[ Chuckles ]

M-my dog enslaved me.

B-but not this one.

Morty: So I'm hanging out
of the side

of the ship in space,

holding the guitar
that Rick wanted,

but my eyes burst from
the pressure difference

and I couldn't see
for, like, an hour.

[ Gasps ] Morty,
you could have been k*lled.

Oh, yeah, I was.

You died?

You die, and come back?

The worst part
is waking up in the tube,

where the fresh body is

c-cause you have to cough all
that fluid out of your lungs.

You're saying
where you come from,

your grandfather lets you die
over and over again?

What does your father
say about this?

♪ Who's a Mad Men? ♪

♪ I'm a Mad Men ♪

[ Sighs ]
[ Portal whooshes ]

[ Lathe whirring ]

Oh, my God.
I made an owl.

T-this is incredible.

Too bad my big lathe
is up at the cabin.

Built it with my dad.

Then Mort helped me put up

the sleeping porch
just last summer.

Wish we could take you
there this weekend,

but the gals are going to be
at the soup kitchen and...

I mean, we could head up there,

just the two of us?

Really?
You'd want to do that?

[ Engine humming ]

[ Insects chirping,
knife scraping ]

Don't you have any matches?

A man who relies on matches

gets pretty cold
when he runs out.

[ Fire whooshes, crackling ]

You feel like a steak?

[ Steak sizzling ]

Wait till the pan
releases the meat.

[ Insects chirping ]

[ Steak sizzling ] I feel like I've
never learned anything until now.

And Mort, he's climbing so fast.

When he loses his footing,

he's just silent as he falls...

until the crack
of his body hitting stone.

[ Fire crackling ]

Mort was so strong,

but I wasn't strong enough
to save him.

I'm so sorry.
[ Sniffles ]

I know you're not my Mort...

Not really...

but I love you just the same.

[ Cries ]

I-I love you, dad.

I-I want to be your son.

I am your son.

[ Fire crackling ]

Then break the g*n.

What? This isn't one
of your adventures.

It can be your life.

But what if I need to...

What could you need
that isn't here?

A family that
doesn't appreciate you?

A resurrection machine that
makes infinite grandpas?

You need to turn into
a f*cking giraffe?

Do it!

Uh...

[ Grunts ]
Hey!

[ Both grunting ]

[ Glass shatters ]
Oh, my God!

Yes! I love you!
[ Panting ]

[ Grunts ]
I tried to make my son strong.

So strong he would never die!

Ah! [ Grunts, panting ]

[ Owl hoots ]

[ Grunts, thuds ]

[ Panting continues ]

I just want to keep you safe!

Mort?

Mort.
[ Branches creak ]

Mort?

Mort!

[ Branches clatter ]
Come back.

[ Zipper unzips ]

[ Insects chirping ]

Mort: Dad wants me
to free solo El Capitan.

He's crazy.

He wants me to be able
to survive anything.

My only hope's to run away.

Thank you, Mort.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Wolf howling ]

♪

[ Engine hums ]

♪

Woman 3: [ Moans ]

♪

[ Change clatters ]

♪

[ Bus hums ]

♪

And we're left with
a radical non-duality.

The universe is
not locally real.

Which means nothing matters...

or everything does.

[ Students cheer ]

Moral universe, let's go!

I f*cking knew it.

The Central Finite Curve,

portal travel, all of it.

Of course there's
infinite Mortys...

because there's
infinite worlds, Morty,

and infinite me's!

A-am I cool in most worlds?

[ Gasps ] Oh!
Mr. Sanchez?

Oh, sorry I frighten you.

I am from Russia.

[ Sighs ]
Who is hunting you?

Jerry? I don't know.
Ma-maybe all of them?

I just want to go home.

I thought there
was a better version

of my family for me,
but I was wrong.

Do you think
you could make this?

Oh, Morty,
I would love to help you,

but that thing
almost destroyed me.

Salieri to infinite Mozarts.

Do... Do you guys
not have Mozart?

Oh, Morty,
we gotta watch "Amadeus."

sh*t. I'm late.

I gotta do a thing.

Uh, do you wanna come with me?

Ahem.

Hey, uh, hey, everybody.

My name's Rick.
I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Rick.

I know this is an old story
to a lot of you,

but most of us have destroyed
our memories with alcohol,

so it'll be like new.

Back before, I had a wife,

I had a family.

My daughter, Beth,
she was a terror,

but she was my heart,
my whole heart.

I'd always like to get
wrecked every now and again,

but Diane kept it under control.

And then one day,
she was just... gone.

I was so deep in my work,
I barely noticed.

And that's when...

you know how that feels,

when you really start to drink?

[ Overlapping chatter ]

Beth was so little.

I-I blew it with her.

She grew up though, and married
somebody who took one look at me

and said, "Not in my house."

f*ck, I hate that guy.
[ Chuckles ]

But he was right.

I hated him enough
to end up here.

My first meeting
was 17 years ago,


I spoke to my daughter.

But I'm here and I'm happy.

That's possible for all of us.

You just have to find somebody
who believes in you.

[ Sniffs ] Mmm.

My students were assholes
today, so I'm cooking stew.

Oh, hello.

Who's this handsome fellow?

You might want to sit down.

Oh, Rick.

He has your eyes.

Uli: So you must go home.

And you must find a way
to get him there.

It's not that simple.

But you are a good man.

So maybe it is simple.

Morty, will you have more stew?

Yes, please.

My love, don't forget.

Wow, she's...
She's incredible.

So she's a f*ck?
[ Chokes ]

Jesus Christ, Morty,
she's my wife.

She's... she's a human woman.
Oh, geez.

I-I guess I didn't realize
you could love anything.

My bad.

[ Window thuds ]
Have you seen this boy?

Ah, we see a lot
of people through here.

One time,
I saw a horse buy a ticket.

Some kind of promotion
for a kind of horse food.

Don't know about that, but...
oh, you never forget a face

as sweet as that right there.

Oh, yeah.
I seen him headed to Boston.

Sure is sunlight
and right as rain.

Hey, where you going?

Found him.
[ Thunder rumbles ]

I'm gonna love
that little guy so hard.

Ah!
You okay, buddy?

He's gonna find me
and tie me to a pole

and hug me until I throw up.

[ Cries ]

I'll be trapped here forever.

I'll get you home, okay?

I'll make a portal
and get you home.

Are you gonna call me
a piece of sh*t now?

What?

[ Hopeful music plays ]

[ Cat purrs ]

[ Electrical zapping ]

Yeah?
Oh!

[ Electrical zap, loud crash ]

♪

[ Liquid bubbles, explodes ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Fire crackling ]

[ They laugh ]

[ g*n whirs, acid poofs ]

[ They cough ]

f*cking sh*t.

You'll get it.
You've got this.

[ Portal whirs, flames whoosh ]

[ Groans, g*n shatters ]

[ g*n blasts, fish plopping ]

Oh!
Ah!

♪

[ Flask clatters ]

[ g*n whooshes ]

Ah!

[ g*n whooshes, blasts ]
[ They gasp ]

[ Portal squelches ]

[ They groan ]

[ Electrical whir, expl*si*n ]

[ Fire extinguisher hisses ]

[ Groaning ]
[ Paper ripping ]

[ Objects clatter, g*n whirs ]

[ g*n blasts ]

I know you're gonna get it.

If God doesn't want me

to praise him with inventions,

why implant the desire?

Everything okay out here?

f*ck! Just let me work.

[ Sighs ]

[ Groans ]
She's gonna leave.

They all leave.

You know, you didn't
drive Diane away.

It wasn't your work
or your drinking.

It just happened, everywhere.

To every Rick.

Wha...
It wasn't your fault.

Most Rick's never got
this far with portal stuff.

They took a shortcut.

But I believe in you.

Rick: I can feel it, Uli.
I-I'm so close.

Uli: Close to losing
another wife.

I've become tepid.
I-I wanna boil.

You can sleep on the couch.

I'm done sleeping.

[ Door slams ]

This is what yours is like?

It's the only way
I can get home.

Where on God's earth
did a 14-year-old boy

learn this kind
of mind poisoning?

From your husband, infinitely.

He belongs more to me
than to you.

[ Sniffles, cries ]

Professor Sanchez
hasn't shown up for days.

Well, he's my father,
and I'm worried about him.

We just need his address.

You don't have your own
father's address?

[ Grunts ]
I was just asking a question.

[ Choking ] You're right.

It's personal.

[ Thuds ]
Summer. The files.

I'm in.

Also gonna approve myself
for early admission,

just in case I decide to go
to this f*cking nerd school.

I'm gonna get my boy
and put him on a leash.

A leash?
What's up with your family?

Oh... you're right,
it's personal.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Belches ] Morty,
I, uh, figured it out, Morty.

M-Morty, c-c'mon, we're gonna...

We're gonna [belches]...
gonna get some stuff, Morty.

[ Groaning ]

[ Slurping, belches ]

Uli: Rick.
[ Clears throat ]

It's the middle of the night.

[ Groans ]

C'[burps]mon, I'm working.

It-It's helping me think.

Do you want to go talk to her?

f*ck that.
She's... there's...

there's a multiverse of her
out there, right, Morty?

W-we gotta...
we gotta...

Are you gonna get in trouble?

[ Glass shatters ]
I-I got tenure, Morty.

They can't fire me.

[ Burps ] I built
this place with my d*ck

and hammered it with my ba*ls.
[ Glass shatters ]

W-wouldn't a d*ck
be a better hammer?

You're right, Morty.
ba*ls are too soft.

G-Grab... grab some...
Gra... any-anything.

Grab anything.
Mr. Sanchez. Is that...

[ g*n blasts ]

[ Grunts, barks ]

Oh my God, Rick.

The problem is morals, Morty.

Ethics. I-I was scared
of the gray areas.

B-But... but now...

[ Belches ]
I-I can live in them.

I'm gonna get you home.

Y-You... you small, little...

y-you little guy.

[ Dog whines, trunk shuts ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Speaks in Swedish ]

[ Glass shatters ]
They told me I was crazy.

But now... now who's crazy?

T-They are.
That's right!

[ g*n whooshes, blasts ]

Rick!
I did it!

[ Both cheering ]

[ Laughs ]

Oh, man.
I-I'm gonna miss you, Rick.

I can come visit you, Morty.

W-We got... we got a doorway.

And now that
I don't have a dumb wife,

I have all the time
in the world.

I-I can go on adventures, Morty.

We... we could go
on adventures.

Yeah.

You're sure
I didn't ruin your life?

You saved me.

And so did this.

Because alcohol is good, Morty.

It's not evil.
Everyone should drink it.

W-wait... wait till I tell
the guys at AA.

All right, off you go.

Jerry: Let go of my son!
[ g*n c*ck ]

f*cking Jerry!

Morty, please don't go in there.

We didn't mean
to come on so strong.

We just love you.

Honey, you can stay here

where you don't get
thrown into space

and have to die all the time.

What the hell is this thing?

Have you even tested it?
You're drunk!

You're gonna let
a child go through that?

The science is sound, d*ck.

Watch.
[ Cat growls, portal whooshes ]

[ Cat squelches,
Good Beth gasps ]

Ooh.
[ Cat breathes weakly ]

He's still breathing.
That's worse!

[ g*nsh*t ]
Oh!

[ Grunting ]

I've always f*cking hated you!

I hate you in every
conceivable reality.

k*ll him!
f*cking sh**t!

[ g*nsh*t, portal whirs loudly ]

[ Good Beth screams ]
Good Summer: Oh, my God!

[ Wind whooshing ]

[ Grunting ]

Jerry! [ Grunts ]

[ g*nsh*t, Good Rick groans ]

Oh, my god!
[ Portal zaps ]

[ Good Summer screams ]
Summer!

[ g*n blasts ]

[ Fish plopping,
Good Jerry screams ]

Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!

[ Good Beth panting ]

No! [ Squelching,
Good Beth screaming ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Cat meowing ]

[ Squelches ]

[ Portal whooshes ]

Estate sale is open!

Getcha post-its out,
first come, first serve.

If you see a post-it, the item
has already been claimed.

Check it out, Seahorse Morty,

it's a fish g*n.

This guy had some cool stuff

for a basic Rick,
and I would know

because I'm defined
by my cool shorts.

[ Clones chattering ]
Oh, Jesus Christ.

Rick?
'Sup?

None of this stuff is any good.

Let's go home.

Damn, you look like sh*t.

Was the funeral that good?

[ g*n blasts, dog barks ]

Oh, sh*t, a long-neck dog g*n.

Let's f*cking go!
[ g*n blasts, dogs barking ]

Woof, woof, woof, woof
woof, woof, woof!

Hey. You okay?

Yeah.

I love you.

All right.
No need to get weird.

You're in my sun.

So the hat was not a hit today,

♪ But maybe it
will be tomorrow ♪

[ Somber music plays ]

♪

[ Belches ] Morty, Morty,
Morty, I g-gotta show you...

I gotta show you something,
Morty.

Rick, it's the middle
of the night.

I just want to sleep.

I-I'll call in a b*mb threat

at your school, c'mon.

Hey, I-I took your note, Morty.

I fixed the magnets.

You ready to ride?

L-Let's... let's go on
a hero's journey, Morty!

[ Engine rumbling ]

Take the wheel.
But I'm behind you.

Take the wheel.
I'll tell you when to turn.

I'm like...
I-I'm your dad, Morty.

I'm your f*cking dad.

It's f*cking me, Morty!

Yeah, you're my dad.

I'm your son.

You're my son!

♪

♪

♪

♪

[ Beeping ]

DNA scans clear.

Ooh, wee.

What a season.

Amy figured out
what I was up to,

and now she's gonna use my DNA

to make a multiverse waypoint...

And get my f*cking husband back!

Activate fourth-dimensional
thrusters.

[ Beeping ]

[ Ship whirring, expl*si*n ]

I-I assume all
the shaking is unintentional?

Oh, my god!

Scientist Butthole:
Abort, abort!

[ Voice vibrating ]
That's never good.

Ooh, weeee!

[ expl*si*n ]

Man:
Did you get any of that?